Thursday, May 19, 2011

I Am Complete Is What I'm Saying

This blog post has been months in the making. I have written and unwritten it several times, and I just find that I am trying to describe something that is indescribable.  I know it's cryptic, and I'm sorry!  I'll do my best to put my thoughts out there coherently for you.

I mentioned to you lovely readers forever ago that I was going to go through a program that I thought would help with my OCD.  What I did in March was go to a 10 day vipassana meditation course.  To read up on what it is all about you can go to - but the basic premise is that it helps you to simplify things to the most basic level there is.

I may at some point if there are enough people who want to know, go into greater detail about the course.  If you have questions - I would be more than happy to answer any and all of them - just ask in comments or email/tweet at me!  For now I'll just say it's spent in noble silence, you don't talk to any of the other people there (exceptions were made for emergencies and the like).  You're really stuck in your head, meditating about 12 hours a day and the rest of the time stuck in very confined spaces.  For someone who is mentally ill - especially someone who is obsessive - this was so, so difficult.

All that paired with a lack of physical contact and I was beyond miserable.  I probably hadn't gone two days without a hug from someone or other since I was 16.  On day 4 or 5 I dreamt about a hug. From a person I only kinda knew at that point (though we are closer now, and I've found him to be the type of person who really would have been that nice).  A really simple and sweet dream, but I swear it mentally saved me.  I woke up and cried with relief, from this subconscious gesture of caring that I gave myself.  My point is that this course was at times the hardest, worst thing I've ever done and I was a total wreck for a lot of it.

As the days went by though, everything we did was evolving.  You learn the technique in such baby steps and you don't even realize how much progress you're making.  It's an amazing feeling on the last day, this sense of accomplishment when you realize you've achieved the level of meditation that the teacher has been talking about.  It's unbelievable, that so much suffering just vanishes as you reach the destination you were working towards.  Incredibly it's like you're able to physically brush off the cravings and aversions that are plaguing you.

I've now made it past the two month mark, and I can happily say that this meditation is a part of my life.  I meditate for an hour every morning and one every evening.  All right, sometimes I skip, if I've been out drinking I don't really think it's very helpful to be meditating ;) but for the most part I've really kept with it.  I understand now that it's not as magically healing as it was when it was my entire world for 10 days. Some days I walk away from my meditation spot still confused, still unsure.  But most days I feel peaceful and all right with the way things are for me. (More on that another day)

Other random updates, at the course we were given vegetarian meals.  They were beyond delicious, and I'm happy to say that since the course I have not eaten meat.  I've had fish, I'm trying not to eat fish but I've made the decision not to beat myself up if I have.  It's in my blood to love fish so I'm ok with it.  And I'm happy with my choice to give up meat, it feels like the most right thing I've done in a long time.

I'll end with a quick weight loss update.  I've been up and down.  I'm going down now.  I don't want to post the number because I'm unhappy about it.  I'll get over it - and I'll get back to posting about it.  But lately I just...I see the weight in my face and it makes me so unhappy.  I know that 2 or 3 pounds from now I'll be happy again and I'll see my face become more slim again, we'll see.  I've been running off and on but I need some momentum to get my butt going again.

What a sucky note to end on.  Ok here's some happy news - next week I'm going to Atlantic City to see the best band ever ('ve probably picked up on that).  And going with two wonderful gorgeous ladies who I adore, and I can't help but be so very very excited. Can. Not. Wait.

I hope you guys have all been doing awesomely. And haven't abandoned me like I did you!! I'm SORRY!!! I'll catch up with you wonderful people before you know it :) have wonderful days my loves.

template by