Tuesday, November 9, 2010


When I started my current job at the end of July 2009 I was hired on a temporary contract.  I was desperately applying to any job that paid more than unemployment and not getting calls back about jobs I was way overqualified for and feeling all depressed.  So when a recruiter called me about the opportunity I jumped at it.  Being shy, new jobs suck (especially with everyone in my department being SO outgoing!!) and it was tough at first but as time went on I was so happy there and grateful when they decided to hire me permanently.

Today was our health plan fair thing and it left me thinking about last year's.  At that time, I had just been permanently hired, and the fair was a few days before my official start date.  I don't know how it goes at a normal office but here at our enrollment fair there's a raffle you can enter if you get some info filled out: body fat %, weight, waist, cholesterol that kind of thing.  And I was so embarrassed about it that day.  I just wanted my free Met Life Snoopy (Husbandcake has a thing for Snoopy!) and to go back upstairs.  This year was totally different and it's made me reflect on how far I've come.

In the past year, I have:

  • lost 41 pounds.  Forty-one.
  • realized that I can function as well as anyone else at a "real" job
  • learned how to change lanes on the freeway
  • had more encouragement and support than I've known what to do with.
  • shrunk my waist by 12 inches
  • worn "heels" 3 times - and yes anything over a half inch counts
  • grown a thicker skin...and I know that's relative as I'm the most over sensitive person alive but I'm a teensy bit better anyway!
  • gotten an average of 48 mpg in my Prius (better than advertised, I'm AWESOME!)
  • started eating healthier food
  • bought and worn pants for the first time in years
  • won a weight loss competition in my office
  • skipped cake on other peoples' birthdays 400 times...maybe not that many but it feels like I've overcome a lot cake-wise!
  • become a tiny bit more outgoing...
  • been inspired to find all of you beautiful people to help me along the way
You know most of those things have been a direct result of my job.  No - all of them.  Even the driving ones.  If it weren't for taking a job farther from my home that I was comfortable with I never would have learned that I could drive without being terrified.

I'm so happy that I'm here.  Everyone even coworkers know that I'm already ready to retire, I wouldn't lie about that.  I've been saving up and I know I'll never be the type to work my whole life - but as jobs come and go this one has been great, I wouldn't be as happy anywhere else and I was reminded of that today.  I also happened to have a moment to recall any of the things I dislike about my job today, it has its down sides and its negative aspects.  It was nice at the end of that though to realize it was my work-iversary and overall my life is better today than it was November 9, 2009.  SO much better.

And as cheesy as it sounds I hope that all of you are happier and better today than you were a year ago :) I'd love to hear about your progress too!

Anyway I wanted to share that and also even though yesterday was so busy I didn't post I did weigh in at 184.3 - a tenth of a pound down.  So I'm not losing a lot but STILL LOSING and still working hard!!

Friday, November 5, 2010

Tis the Season...

Hello lovely, lovely readers.  I hope that the morning was brighter and shinier for you than it has been for me.  I had one of those days where I sleepily instructed Husbandcake that I don't REALLY have to get in to work and he can let me sleep as late as I feel.  Usually those mornings morph into me angrily spending over an hour in traffic but luckily I got my act together and got into work on time.

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2148 calories
Consumed 1897 calories
Deficit of 251 calories

Yuck!  But you know what, I got better as the day went on.  I really did.  And I'll be even better today.  No creamy soup!

The morning has been rough, I won't sugar coat it.  I went into the break room today to find Belgian waffles, eggs, potatoes, breakfast burritos.  I was so very, very tempted and had it not been for my two coworkers I don't know if I could have avoided it all!  In the end I took some strawberries to mix in with my grapefruit and it was delicious.  But then I thought about it all morning.  I'm about 15 minutes away from going to lunch and still thinking about it.  I don't even love breakfast burritos...I mean sure if they'd had really fabulous flaky looking quiche there, I'm not even going to lie, I'd take it.  But it's annoying to so desire something just because it's "forbidden."  Also it's annoying to keep looking back on something that was not even a big deal and happened hours ago.

Anyway I need your help looking forward today!  I need tips...tips tips tips.

Long time readers remember that I run a married girls group to meet other ladies as fabulous as me.  It's not specifically for married girls so much as it is for girls who are not into man hunting!  I am trying my hardest to host one event every month and for sanity's sake I love to host it in my own home.  Things like afternoon tea or cookie exchanges, that is the type of event that works out really well.  But we all know how much butter and sugar is involved in a cookie exchange.  What can I do that will take the place of a glorious celebration of girl time without breaking the calorie bank?  Or rather, where can I find recipes SO good that I'll only want to eat my own low calorie cookies and everyone else's fatty sugary creations can go to those ladies who are so lucky they don't need to be as strict as me!!

I have been tossing several ideas around in my head, it's tough that so many things revolve around food this time of year.  Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years (which for my family involves vast quantities of all my favorite foods)...I need to find a way to combat it and stay social.  Any and all suggestions welcome...including specific recipes...anything to help me out!

I know from reading other blogs that social situations can be so difficult. There are restaurants out there where literally nothing is low calorie. There are restaurants where every single salad has fried chicken and/or bacon on it. I know you can get picky, ask for it without this or with that, but at the end of the day being social and trying to lose weight can be really, really tricky!  Anyway as difficult as it is to eat out or have party food, it's kind of worse for me when it comes to not being social.  Husbandcake doesn't mind if I cheat on my eating plan.  He is notorious for not complaining when I want to cook pork ribs for him or go out to a steakhouse.  He also has not once complained about me baking too many cupcakes.  Other people (you included) hold me accountable.  I just need to balance that with a lack of...temptation.

Well go on then!  Think think think and help out your friend Kyoko!!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Oh Heeeeeeyyyyyyy

Hi friends.  My friends who are so sweet every time I post even though I never get around to it.

The big time-sucker that was our FABULOUS Candyland Halloween party is over.  I would love to say there are a billion pictures to post but I seem to have lost my camera.  I'm sure it will turn up and once it does you will all be able to see just how amazing everything was.

Of course my time there was a little dampened by my OCD which seems to be rearing its ugly side lately.  I just can't take anything frantic or any change in plans at all.  It sends me into an awful tailspin of...despair.  It's so difficult to go outside of my routines and for the past few months any deviation has meant hours of being angry or unhappy.  It doesn't work out well for my eating either.  I've been off plan in both food and exercise and have made several attempts (most of which you've seen here) to get back on track but they all just kind of fall away.  Also Husbandcake has been indulging my desire for eating out lately, I don't even want to tell you guys all of the awful things I've had.  Ok they weren't awful, they were delicious but just so high calorie.

But I'm saying goodbye to all that high calorie food because here goes another attempt!!  I am hoping I'll make it.  There's another Biggest Loser-type competition at work.  Not a big one, just a few people trying to use each other for motivation.  I hope it kicks in again for me!  They've already started walking again, but I haven't joined in as I have been sick all week.  Super sick.  It started out with a bit of a sore throat, went through the sniffles and runny nose, back around to coughing, and today I'm all scratchy dry throat.  I did go to work today, and I have been trucking through it.  I'm coughing a lot and all morning I attempted to space out my cough drops but it didn't keep.  I have an hour and a half more to go and only one drop left!

Anyway, with me and my sicky demeanor, I know the best thing to do is a lot of relaxing.  But if I give myself the weekend to really get better, I am going to be good to go Monday for a walk and a healthy lunch.  I've got to do it, got to find my motivation, got to take more of this weight off.  I know this...I don't know how the motivation has just flitted away from me.

All right, I do.  I'm having an issue with my shape.  I don't understand how I can be wearing a size large in dresses, and yet when it comes to trying on pants I can't even squeeze into a 20.  I have my one pair of jeans that I have grown to love and wear pretty regularly, but to be fair they're kind of...elastic-y at the waist band and at the end of the day, I still have to wear baggy tops because I feel really muffin-top-ish.  Any regular (read: non elastic waisted) pants or skirts that fit me in the waist are just huge for me everywhere else.  I don't know what to do about it and I feel so discouraged...the idea that even if I am wearing smaller dresses I am still wearing almost the same size pants really sucks.  And I know we can't possibly compare ourselves to one another due to height and body type...it's hard some days to hear people who weigh the same as me wearing at least 4-5 sizes lower than I do.

I would love to say I respond to this feeling with a nice ab workout (because let's face it I absolutely KNOW that all my weight is in my waist and I need to seriously target that area) but I've always been honest with you so I'll just say that more often than not I respond with ice cream or a piece of cheese.  All of my mental training has been undone and the idea of starting from scratch is daunting.  I think back to how I felt right after my little "detox" of eating organic vegetarian foods.  I felt so good and so happy.  Since then I made a two day attempt to try that again but the second day involved 3 sour punch straws and it was just all over.

Maybe I should go back to it.  Maybe I should let the abundance of Halloween candy in the office become a test to test how committed I am to this.  Maybe I should close my eyes and remember how far I have come instead of dwelling on how far I have to go.  Maybe I should go home and not let Husbandcake open another can of high sodium high calorie mega-noodle soup, because I know how easy it is to make my own low calorie chicken soup for making my sicky self feel better.

I've said before that every moment is a chance to do the right thing.  Today I've had grapefruit and orange citrus salad for breakfast, creamy butternut squash soup and half a sandwich, for lunch...a bite size Milky Way and a mini sour punch straw (what?? they're SO GOOD!! lol).  The day is not ruined, despite the fact that I'm guessing my soup by itself came in at over 500 calories...heavy cream being something around 450 per cup...and I have time to turn it around.  I've already been drinking hot tea most of the day, and water too.  I'm going to step up the water, have my low calorie soup for dinner and more citrus salad for dessert.  Get my vitamin  C up and my calories down.  I know I'm not ready for exercise or exerting myself as I'm still coughy and gross but I will do what I can to get myself better.

I feel better now...maybe not quite as hopeful as I'd like but better.  If I can make today a healthy day, tomorrow will be a little easier, Saturday a little easier and we'll work our way ahead just one choice at a time.

Friends, I hope my post finds you all well and wonderful!!  I have been somewhat keeping up with most of you (it's been tough) and once again I really hope to be back and more active here!!

I have a really random question to end on - is anyone else having an issue with Google Reader?  It's only showing 4 of the like ten billion blogs I subscribe to, and I can't get any of the others to show up...not sure what is going on there but if you have any insight I'd love to know!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Surprising Weigh In...

Um, hi. I feel like I start out every blog embarrassed that I haven’t blogged. I’m going to try something new…I’ll tell you now to not expect to hear from me, how’s that? Then you won’t be surprised when I haven’t posted in a week!

Here is how I’ve done the past week:
Burned an average of 2350 calories per day
Consumed an average of 1592 calories per day
Average of 758 calories per day

Do you remember when any deficit below a thousand was pretty much a failure? I do too. But barely. I have to have to have to start working out again. I know I can do it, I know I can go on a walk today at lunch even if it’s cold or rainy. Even if nobody else is, even if I want to eat something delicious for lunch instead of my salad (not that I don’t love salad, just that I’m using the last of a salad kit that just wasn’t so great).

So as long as we’re talking, let me tell you about my weigh in this morning.

Last time I weighed in: Who remembers, but I think it was around 187 and a couple of weeks ago.
This morning: 184.4 pounds

That number struck me as surprising. Yesterday’s meals involved diner breakfast (the coffee cake had butter melted on to it) to Chinese dinner (which ended in birthday cake that has crushed hard candy pressed into the frosting).  Between the salt, butter and oil I was pretty convinced I’d gained about 20 pounds. But this amazing and unexpectedly awesome weigh in is a SIGN. A sign that all is not lost, that maybe it’s not realistic to expect me to reach my 179 goal by November 1 but I can still do my best to get as close as possible! My measurements are looking good too, although I’ve spent the past few days feeling extremely uncomfortable about my shape. I don’t like the shape of less-obese me. I’m hoping that soon enough I will get to find out what non-obese me looks like, and maybe SHE will be able to buy pants at a non-plus size store.  Seriously people, I am like a size 22 on bottom and 12 on top.  How is that even possible??

Anyway, overall I’m very excited this morning. I’m drinking a lot of water, which I haven’t done in weeks, I’m skipping out on the coffee – even though coffee isn’t bad, my idea of coffee is practically equal parts coffee cream and sugar, which I don’t need. I am enjoying a delicious grapefruit breakfast, and I’m feeling good.

I hope you are feeling good too my friends :) and having amazing days, all of you!!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

36. 36!!!

Let’s try this again. TRY. I’ve spent literally every free moment lately planning for Halloween even when I’m thinking about blogging too. That sounds like a lot of Halloween but it’s not, I haven’t had many free moments. So I’ve had to dedicate them to the wonderful cause of Candyland.

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2403 calories
Consumed 2367 calories
Deficit of 36 calories

Oh…my…goodness. Is that my Lego tower crumbling to the ground? I feel like I’ve been punched in the face…and I know that at least a good quarter of my beautiful tower is gone. Let me explain. Let me make a ton of excuses about special occasions and office birthdays and the French restaurant I’ve wanted to go to for years. Let me make more excuses about sparkling wine and cheese plates and a fabulous piano concert and feeling fancy. And let me end with my final excuses of a lack of time and being too tired to exercise at all.

That was a lot of excuses. None of them were good enough. I’m so embarrassed. I feel like half the time I’m SO focused on being healthy and the other half I’m off ordering tomato polenta soup with cheese and croutons (are you seeing a weird tomato soup obsession with me lately?). And it changes on a whim, every few minutes. I was so dedicated to having a salad yesterday for lunch – not a GREAT salad, because it had fried chicken, but significantly better than two sliders and a bunch of French fries. So I order the sliders but decide I will NOT eat the French fries. So I eat half the French fries but will NOT go out to fattening dinner. You see the trend. What had me SO very motivated before? I need to get it back. I absolutely no question have to get it back.

But wait – let me make one thing clear. Every time separately that I’ve been out to a bad-for-me dinner, had one extra glass of wine, took a bite of a cheeseburger slider…they were ALL worth it. Last night was incredible. We went and saw this pianist (Rob listens to the classical “and more” station, and discovered that he was in San Francisco giving a small concert)…well it was near Civic Center and anyone who goes to the city might recognize Jardiniere from its super cute exterior. We used to drive by it often when we lived in the city and I’ve wanted to go since before I knew I liked French food – so finally making it there was SUCH an experience and the food was just beyond delicious. Plus it was so late we almost had the restaurant to ourselves! I’m getting carried away. My point was that it was completely worth it last night, but my problem is that in the past month I’ve had about 20 “completely worth it” experiences, and I need to have more experiences that are just as amazing but much, much healthier.

Speaking of healthier, on the meal schedule for eating today is strawberries and salad…three small meals worth at work. Then go home and eat my laughing cow snack, my peas and onions mix, and a different salad with chicken and feel VERY good and healthy coming in at around 1500 calories. Ok and coffee because we didn’t finish dinner until about midnight last night and I am exhausted…1500 plus a bit. Throw a good double workout, one at work and one at home. All right I am feeling motivated! 36 calorie deficit. That is so embarrassing. But the motivation of embarrassment won’t last beyond the next couple of days. I need to remember why I wanted to lose weight…and KEEP LOSING IT.

I fully implore each and every one of you who knows me in real life to smack me upside the head the next time I talk about pasta and cheese, fried rice and candy corn. I can’t keep saying “ok just this once” – there is ONLY “this once” to make healthy choices and I have to make them more often. All right go make healthy choices today. And I will too!

A random tangent to end on, I have three or four friends in real life (um, plus me) who are stalled on their weight loss and need boosts and positive energy to get through this time of year – from Halloween candy to Thanksgiving feasts to Christmas cookies we are going through some tough times and need our strength in all forms! So if you are so inclined to think positive thoughts for them and pray for strength to give up sugar, get out of the 200s and stay away from the dinner rolls…that would be awesome. I know I am rooting for you guys!!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Questions and Refocusing

My goodness, yesterday was bad, today is bad, but even fully aware of what I'm doing, I don't understand why in the moment I'm making awful food choices.

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2089 calories
Consumed 1537 calories
Deficit of 552 calories

I had a cupcake for lunch today.  Instead of my veggies.  Actually between that and my coffee, of which I only drank half, that's all I've eaten.  I had high hopes, grabbed a peach for breakfast and an orange for a snack, and just didn't eat either.  I feel gross.  I was even going to work out during lunch until I realized that I need to run a couple of errands before home.  I'm so utterly disappointed in myself right now.  I don't know how to pick back up...but I know I have to, because I need to go home, get in a REALLY good workout, and make a healthy dinner (one of my errands is to the grocery store, because I really don't have much going on at home in the way of good food!).

Meanwhile, I am uninspired to write my own stuff today, as it would all be super depressing and self pitying and self being-annoyed-with-ing.  Going through my blogs I found this questionnaire by Christina at Never the Skinny Girl and the more I thought about it the more I wanted to hear YOUR answers too and this could really help me to refocus, so here goes…

1. What was your highest weight, what do you weigh right now and what is your goal weight?
Heh…my highest weight was, I believe 247 pounds. My weight right now is hovering right around 186, and my goal weight for now is 150. Not true, it’s actually 148 because at 149.something I become not overweight anymore!

2. What is your #1 motivation for losing weight?
I don’t know that I have a #1. My most intense reason is that I fear that I’m going to die or become very sick from something made worse or caused by obesity. But my everyday reason as I go through life is that I want to feel healthy and happy about the way I look, I want my activity level to be high and I want to have a healthy (and cute) pregnancy when the time comes!

3. Have you always been overweight?
My whole…adult life I have. And I’ve been obese for about half of that.

4. When you want to give up what inspires you to keep going?
Everyone who reads this. People who say to me that I haven’t blogged in awhile, people who let me know that they follow my journey or see me as inspiring. My friends who hit roadblocks in their lives but keep moving forward keep me going, and all the blogs I read too where people go through things really similar to what I’m going through.

5. What is the #1 thing you look forward to when you hit your goal weight?
Cheaper clothes, more selection. Nah, I mean that will be a fabulous plus but in reality I’m looking forward to being in shape. Both in a fitness sense and then actually being shaped like a normal-weight person instead of a pot bellied one!

6. Do you have support on your weight loss journey?
I have the most support of anyone I’ve ever met. I’m surrounded not only by family and friends who are unbelieveably encouraging, but my workplace has been especially great, the company is awesome but even more so are my fabulous coworkers who (normally, not today lol) walk with me at lunch and keep me on track!

7. What is your favorite exercise?
Well…I do love walking. But I love dancing, I mean like flailing dancing while I’m cleaning or doing stuff around the house. You can’t possibly be in a good mood or feel like you’re working at burning calories when you’re being that silly.

8. What is the most important thing you have learned on your weight loss journey?
I’ve learned that it’s not simple. It’s just not. There is no one-diet-fits-all, no plan that works for everyone and we are all on the journey together but on slightly different paths as we find what actually makes us lose weight.

9. What is one thing you have given up that you miss the most?
Indulging the little voice that says I want this I want that. I used to buy and eat everything I ever wanted. Now, I think things through and try to make healthier choices. But I do miss looking at the highest calorie item on a menu and just thinking “ehhh why not?”  Although I certainly did indulge that little voice when it wanted a cupcake.

10. What is your strategy for losing weight?
Hahaha, I’m about 30 pounds down since I started this blog, and…I don’t have a good strategy yet! It’s still being formulated.

All right your turn. I would love to hear your answers to some/all of the questions!! If you post it in your own blog make sure to put the link in a comment and link back to Never the Skinny Girl.

I hope everyone is having a more on track day than me!  I'll get there, I WILL get there, I'm just going in a bit of a roundabout way lately!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Have fun!

Two days in a row! It’s like I’m on a roll! The amazing blogging Kyoko!

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2241 calories
Consumed 1519 calories
Deficit of 722 calories

Ok, self-congratulation time over, for now. I had a really great day yesterday. As treats come and go it was a fabulous one. My very favorite soup is Campbells condensed tomato bisque (not true, my favorite is the tomato carrot soup they used to have at the Crepe Place in the mall before it closed, and if ever I run into that guy on the street I’m going to get that recipe even if it earns me a restraining order). Yeah it’s not the fanciest thing in the world, but it’s so good. And I had it with half nonfat milk and half….cream. Yeeks! Do you know that heavy cream is like 800 calories for one cup? I didn’t. I do now though. Luckily, happily I didn’t have much and it didn’t completely wreck all of my calorie counts up. But it was SO WORTH IT. Yum.

I can’t believe I’m sitting here 12 hours later still thinking about that soup…man do I have food issues!!

I had a fantastic conversation with a good friend yesterday about having fun. More specifically how I am not having fun. In my defense, it’s tough sometimes. Being the type of person who doesn’t deal with stress well can be overwhelming. Bad OR good stress. Between vacation, work events, being sick (which was probably because of the first two stresses), had a bit of a health scare over the weekend (it’s over and I’m ok…kinda) and on Monday I got some bad news that doesn’t directly involve me but is sad and has been weighing heavily on my mind for a couple of days.

So let’s brush that aside, because those are all things that I have no control over. Let’s start with what I CAN work with – being happy. Being happy and having fun. Can you think of anything better? I can’t either.

It’s time for me to take at least 40 minutes a day to be happy and have fun. No stress, no thinking about obligations, put the dogs outside, no cooking or cleaning just sitting and talking to Husbandcake, just reading my book, just doing my Wii fit, whatever I need to. Maybe I’ve been doing this all along but I haven’t been properly appreciating it. Well that stops here!

Isn’t it weird that on the one hand, you’d think that “planning” fun negates the actual fun…but for me if I don’t plan it, it goes unappreciated completely!

Can I give you guys homework? Good. Go do something fun today. Then come back and tell me what it was so I can be happy for you. And everybody have a fabulous day!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Weigh In and October Goals. Outstanding October Goals, that is...

Let’s start over. Hi…I’m Kyoko. I’m trying to lose weight and blog about it but I keep hitting roadblocks. I’m the one putting them up, I think, but that doesn’t make them any easier to pass.

I had to delete all the old blogs of yours that I hadn’t read yet. My google reader was over 1000. I’m sorry, actually really sorry if I missed anything important that went on with you. The good news though is now I can start over, actually comment and not get overwhelmed. I miss this weird and wonderful blogging world and I have to find my way back.  However this is a good time if I don't subscribe to your blog to let me know so I can start!

For the past month or so, I have been feeling like self awareness should go a long way towards solving my problems. Maybe that’s silly but I feel like I should be able to say “I am aware that X will sabotage me” and then it won’t happen. However I’ve been saying “I am aware that X will sabotage me, so I’m gonna go ahead and X anyway but expect different results.”

We all know how well that works. Just one chocolate, one quick drink, it’s a special occasion, I’m on vacation, everyone TOLD me I just had to have a turkey leg at Disneyland…and the tiramisu comes in a Mickey mug…

But it is out of control. I still can’t find my happy medium. I need to find ways to treat myself and not starve, but still not go overboard. It didn’t work to have small treats here and there, I thought it worked to have my indulgence filled week but it didn’t. There are too many opportunities for delicious dinners, for fancy chocolates. Friends, I bought not one but two salted caramels from a chocolate place on Saturday, put them in my bag, went to eat lunch but didn’t finish and instead of eating those caramels I split a cupcake with my mom. A salted caramel cupcake (I’m obsessed, it’s the best flavor combo since…ever).

I have a new mantra. Don’t even remember what my last one was. But the new one is this – I have all the tools. I have all of the tools. I have the Legos, I have the freaking lego table. I have the knowledge of how to build my tower…and there are days that I feel like I have a Lego construction set that will auto-build my tower for me. So what I thought is this – if my tower isn’t getting taller there are zero excuses. None. Look at you guys, at your support, at your stories, look at HusbandCake and his amazing dedication to my weight loss. I have everything. If anyone out there can lose weight – then I can too.

I have all the tools. I’m going to start building right now.

And now…my sad little weigh in!
Previous weight (2 weeks ago): 186.8
Yesterday’s weight: 186.8
Pounds lost: 0.0

Well there you have it. I consider it a half-win though because I was up…and came back down over the weekend. Now, time to change it up so that next week you see a much happier number coming from me!!

Finally, I’m not going to touch on my September goals. I didn’t meet most of them and we’ll leave it at that. It was an overwhelming month, and I’m a bit ready to move past it and have an amazing October.

With that I present…my October goals!
1. Work out four days every week – even if it’s just 20 minutes.

2. Finish cleaning out my garage – we had gotten so far…but haven’t worked on it in about a month! I really want it to be an organized usable space instead of a big pile of mess.

3. Make good and conscious food choices – I’ve seen that it’s not realistic for me to skip meals out completely, but that doesn’t mean I need to be getting anything fried or covered in sugary sauce. I can’t let a few meals ruin a completely healthy month!

4. Go Candyland crazy – Halloween is a Candyland theme this year and I need to make the best Princess Lolly costume of all time, not to mention helping Erin deck out her yard as a Candyland board. It’s not actually going to be super easy but it will be totally worth it!

5. Do nice things. Really nice things – above and beyond nice things – at least…8 of them.

6. Post my Bodybugg calorie counts – the less I post, the less I post those, and the sadder those numbers make me.  Of course I didn't post today, well...that's because I am having trouble with my computer at the moment but I'll be in touch with IT today and get it for you tomorrow :)

7. Get below 180 pounds – I am not about to beat myself up if it doesn’t happen but I would really, really like it to be this month!

8. Blog – blog blog blog. Every day. ok not every day. Most days!

Thursday, September 30, 2010


I know I've been gone again.  A business trip snuck up on me, and as I went to Disneyland (for the first time since like 1993!) for two days beforehand I have been super busy.  Of course I didn't intend to spend ten days away from you all, I never do...and I'm paying for it now!

So as to not bore you, let me try to briefly explain what I've been doing the past few days...oh who am I kidding we all know brevity is not a strong point of mine!
Saturday: get up at 3am, leave for the airport at 4:00...fly to Anaheim and drop off bags, then head to Disneyland to gimp around on my bum knee all day (I was pretty doped up on Extra Strength Tylenol and feeling ok) but have a great time!
Sunday: spend all day at California Adventure, sadly missing the Toy Story ride which was closed.  I mean open to close we were there, followed by a trip back into Disneyland for a couple last rides and souvenirs.
Monday: Work conference...which was an all new experience as to be completely honest I've always thought of those as career type things, and myself as a non-career type person.  It was cool though and I did learn quite a bit, but instead of resting afterwards I found myself having an early dinner and heading to Angels stadium to watch the A's game - Husbandcake has the uncanny ability to find himself in the same city as the A's even when we're not in the Bay Area and as he's a superfan he is quite happy about that.
Tuesday: Work conference in the morning, then a flight back home where we all went straight from the airport to our CEO's house for an executive meet and greet.  Yeah all that is still as exhausting as it sounds.
Wednesday: All day meeting.  Our department is spread out over a few different offices in different cities so every year there is a big caucus.  Last night was also the big dinner event but we'll get to that in a second.  But I think you get the idea that it has been a SUPER CRAZY few days.

Anyway, about Tuesday morning I started getting the sniffles and sneezes.  I reluctantly bought some Sudafed in the hotel gift shop as I wasn't keen on being extremely gross or snotty in my conference classes.  The last time I was on Sudafed was last...November I think, and there were disastrous results.  I mixed it with some medication I was on for some bad stomach aches without reading anything about drug interactions, ended up passing out and getting sick while out with friends, and spent a few horrible hours in the emergency room.  Oh and when I passed out I was on a barstool and wound up with an ankle injury and a super attractive huge boot thing.  Which as it was healing I dropped a small stack of shelves on myself (yeah I'm an idiot) and ended up having a gross purpley bruised foot bone.  Overall, it was about a month starting with me having super gross stomach aches all the time and ending with me on crutches for a couple of weeks - although I did decorate them with big pink bows...

I'm babbling.  Anyway the point was I was on Sudafed and was taking my iron pills and all that (I have quite the history with anemia...I'm realizing right now that I sound like a total sicky).  But still, last night at the dinner I was feeling really lightheaded.  We were at a hotel and I went up for a second into one of my coworkers' rooms to lie down and Husbandcake insisted on coming to get me...I'm sure he like me was not interested in a repeat of that last incident.  So I waited for him outside, and very sadly listened to my amazing enthusiastic department cheer each other on be their fabulous selves.  Unfortunately out of all the work related things I've done this week that dinner was the one thing I wouldn't have chosen to miss.  You all know that I am pretty shy and I am really just feeling like I'm finding my place and my stride at work, so to miss it was just super sad.

HOWEVER, Husbandcake informs me that when he picked me up I was stumbly and he thought I'd had about 8 drinks (not even close, I had about a sip of wine and then another sip of another drink...so...definitely not drunk).  So I'm really happy that I didn't stay and potentially embarrass myself sitting with the three biggest bosses in the group!  Silver lining!!

This morning my throat is sore and I'm feeling nauseous.  I'm taking the day to sleep, but wanted to take advantage of my forced down time to give you lovely lovely friends an update.

And after all that babble, I have not much to report on the weight loss front.  Both Saturday and Sunday I was at over 3000 calories burned!  Fabulous!  Today though it will be much lower I'm sure, as I'm not planning on moving much from the sofa.  I wasn't with my trusty scale on Monday so no official weigh in but let's just say I'm wanting to refocus.  Monday I'm going to weigh in and then go back on my four day fabulous organic mostly vegan diet to get back on track!  And speaking of diet, I'm off to go eat some chicken soup!  Sadly Husbandcake had to go in to his office today but this morning he left full boxes of lotion Kleenex everywhere for me.  It's the little things, I just adore him so so much!!  And....I adore you too.  Thanks for reading my wonderful friends, you are the best!

Monday, September 20, 2010

Sleepy Post...and Weigh In

Good evening lovelies. First let me say, holy crap what a weekend - I am truly, truly exhausted! Between my stressful Friday and my fabulous tea party on Sunday I just felt go-go-go all on a bum knee and it caught up with me this morning when I could hardly get up for work.

I didn’t post on Friday. I was having what you might call an absurdly frustrating day. I posted about my knee bothering me, so I had an appointment in the afternoon which meant stress all day, thinking about how much I don’t want to go see doctors of any sort and I just woke up feeling defeated. Hmmm…I’m going to have to start a better list of things to change and create these plans of attack – first I’ll work on not having any more mood swing nonsense, and second I’ll have to realize that doctors didn’t become doctors to intimidate and scare me personally. That would be a good thing to believe. Anyway one knee brace and a few large-ish doses of ibuprofen later, I am doing a lot better. I did a really slow version of the lunchtime walk today, and the more I walked on it the better it felt, to the point that I was barely gimpy by the time I got back to the office and spent a bit of time sitting with my knee bent, which I haven’t done pain free in about a week!

I haven’t really posted about what is going on with my puppy Chips but here is the very condensed version. His face was swollen so we went to the vet, who found a little bite mark that my food aggressive little spoiled princess dog Potato made, and the vet figured it had gotten infected. Got some medicine, went home and the next day it was worse. We ended up having to go to the emergency vet, who cut open his skin to let it drain out. It...was truly disgusting.

Fast forward to a week later, he seemed to be healing up ok. But then suddenly Friday morning his face started swelling again, and bad (yay, more stress!). Husbandcake took him back to the vet, who decided to knock him out and look to see if she could find what was causing the problem. If you are easily grossed out (and by that I mean, I almost threw up in the car with him on the way home and I’m about to describe why) skip to the next paragraph. She thinks what happened is that a foxtail got into his eye and burrowed its way down past his eye socket and into his forehead. Seriously the thing was almost at his ear. And it was huge. And to aid in the drainage of all the nasty stuff it caused him to make he has two little tubes sutured into his face. And they drip.

The end result though is that he will be ok now. He has his follow up appointment today and he will be well on his way to healing by tonight. And even though Potato is off the hook for making him all puffy and infected, we are still working on her food aggression (she lets me take it away no problem but not even Husbandcake can go near her when she eats. Stress! But less stress now that I know he will be ok.

What? Is there something I’m forgetting? Oh…yeah…my weigh in…
Last week’s weight: 186.9
This week’s weight: 186.8
Pounds lost: 0.1

Uh, yeah. I mean I was down to 186.7 on Sunday morning – and that was my lowest. Really I felt like I was off track this week. Too many treats, not to mention that while my tea party was fabulous and I was surrounded by wonderful people…I was also surrounded by some delicious food that made my calorie count at mumble mumble yesterday. Ok it was at 1800. Which would be fine on a really active day but on a totally inactive day (when my Bodybugg was apparently dead without me realizing) it was just way too much.

I haven’t posted weekly goals in awhile but I have one for this week. I felt happiest and healthiest when my daily calories were at about 70% fruits and vegetables (well…and I guess salad dressing), 15% meat and cheese type things and 15% delicious indulgences and carbs. Which are often one and the same. That is my plan for this week. I have one more day of Dr. Tabor’s diet, which I think I may stick with, and before you all start wondering, know me enough to know that while I’m totally excited about eating more candy like things…I’m not a salesperson and I am not going to dedicate my blog to yammering on about you all trying it too. Anyway, all that to say that I’m going to take some time after tomorrow to REALLY get back on track food wise.

I feel like I say that a lot. I hope that this time I mean it more than before. I was doing SO WELL for a few weeks and I really need that momentum back. Really, really need it. Without all the mental anguish that I went through losing that weight. So once again it’s time to buck up, forget about what I’ve been doing and start fresh. I am so close to my next milestone I can just almost see it and I want so badly to get there!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

The Happy, The Painful and the Tasty...

Let’s begin with various updates…those of you who are lucky enough to be Facebook friends know that I got my free food yesterday! And I’m so excited. I’ll spend the next 4 weekdays probably telling you guys about what I’m eating and letting you know how it is. Yes, some of you will find it boring, but you know – with all the diet food out there, and there is a lot…hopefully it will be informative and dare I say, helpful?!!

In non-food related news, my knee hurts like a motherf@*^er. Yeah, bad. Anyway I have a doctors appointment for tomorrow. YAY for starting off my weekend with Kaiser (sarcasm).

In GOOD non food related news, a huge huge HUGE non-scale victory. I came across one of my favorite dresses ever. I haven’t fit into it for about 5 years, and even before that I never wore it without a body shaper. Friends, it is too big for me. Now in case you didn’t see that exactly how I did – I have lost at least FIVE YEARS worth of weight. I used to weigh myself maybe once a year as my own scale gathered dust in the garage, but I know that I put this weight on slowly and steadily, whereas I seem to be taking it off much more quickly than expected. It’s just a huge thing to know that I have undone all of the extra strain on my body that I piled on since 2005. What an amazing feeling…

On that fabulous note, let’s go on to my food for today. And can I just mention that the food all has really cute names? Or maybe I’m just really cheesy…I think anyone who has seen my new beloved headband can tell that with me the cutesier the better.

This morning I had a Vanilla In Vogue shake.  They say to mix with 12-16 ounces of milk or water – I wanted a real shake feel so I did 10 ounces of milk and then about 4 ounces of ice in the blender. I thought it was good. It doesn’t taste like a regular ice cream shake, definitely. It’s more like chocolate milk except with a vanilla flavor. But if you’re like me and have for convenience ever had Slim-Fast or Carnation Instant Breakfast let me assure you, this doesn’t have the same chemically gritty attributes that those have. It was yummy, and I would definitely choose it again if after this week I stick with this plan.

I also had a Double Chocolate Catwalk bar.  I knew from the size of the package that I wouldn’t be able to eat it all at once. I cut it up into 12 bite size chunks both for my own benefit and since I am so, so picky about food I wanted to hear what other people had to say. It’s like a Tootsie Roll to me both in texture and flavor. Take that how you will – personally I love Tootsie Rolls so I’m very happy with it. My coworkers had mixed reviews on it, everything from "just like candy" to "chewy" to "edible" which I considered to be the most critical review, but even she said she'd definitely eat it again.

What a delicious first day!  Not knowing the rest of your eating habits, be warned that these may be big meals. Not calorie wise – the shake was 200 calories (307 with the milk), the bar is 270.  I've eaten about half the bar and I haven’t been hungry enough to eat ANY of my fruits or vegetables yet.  Of course, if these are meal replacements based on 3 meals a day then it makes sense.  I'm at 6-8 meals a day, so each of them would make up at least two of my smaller meals.  Everyone who tasted the bar agreed that it was extremely filling, not like most bars that feel more like snacks.
I should add that we are SPOILED at work. We get protein or diet bars, shakes and supplements in a ton of flavors all the time for free, so we can afford to be extremely discerning. I am extremely flattered that I was chosen to review food (I know, a lot of bloggers get sent things to review but this is my first time and I am enjoying feeling important!) and I’m hoping if the rest of it is this good, to be able to get you guys some kind of giveaway so a couple of you can try it too!!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Goal Check In and Knee Woes

RAWR!!! That is my angry-yell. My knee hurts. It’s been hurting a little since Saturday, but got worse last night and is really bad this morning. One of the (many) things I want to work on is better dealing with pain. I’m a total baby when I’m sick or injured, and I am awful at dealing with the frustration of not being able to do what I want.

I have no idea what is wrong, it hurts to bend the knee mostly, although it is uncomfortable even to straighten it out. I’m great at home on the recliner, but at work it’s been challenging. I mentioned previously that I wanted to stand up at work and I have been, since Thursday.  However I’ve been sitting today, because I’m worried that's what caused the pain - I really, truly hope it isn’t. I have so enjoyed standing all day, I move more and I feel better and I want to continue.
My plan is to take today and tomorrow morning to sit at work instead of stand, take some ibuprofen and hope it gets better. I hate doctors, especially after a time last fall when I felt like I was at Kaiser at least twice a week – but if it’s not better by lunch tomorrow I know I’ll have to go in to see what’s wrong.

I know from reading blogs that we all get injured or have existing physical problems. I wish none of us did. It’s tough to have your body in the way while you’re actually trying to do something that will help it.

That being said, I guess it’s time to take my lunch break and do a mid month goal check-in since I can’t walk!
1. Be a better friend – I’m not even working on it. I just have not had the real effort to spend on it. I think there is just too much me stuff going on for me to actually be a good friend to anyone else.

2. Have or at least schedule my reward spa day for getting under 200 pounds! – Nope, not done!

3. Have at least 6 work appropriate outfits that fit me NOW – I have maybe 2. I’d like to up it to 8. Ideally 10 just so I can go 2 weeks without repeating my clothes. But for now I’d be happy with not being an hour late because things don’t fit. YES it’s a better problem than too small but still frustrating and I can barely find stuff I like enough to buy much less cheap transition weight type stuff!

4. Wear pants twice – Haven’t worn pants since that one day. I thought about it today but it’s tough with no shirts that fit! Yikes, these clothing goals are gonna get me!

5. Teach my puppy how to walk with me – I’ve only gone out with him once, and then my poor little guy was injured and we haven’t been since. We are actually watching the dogs of our close friends…so as of today there are 6 dogs in my house, 3 of whom have medical issues, one who is immobile and one who has a cone on. There is quite enough dog craziness.

6. Go walking with fabulous people – WHAT? I am about to completely scrap this mid month goal check in!! Do you see a pattern?! I haven’t done ANY of these things!!!! Rawr again!

Deep breath…deep breath…all right. This one I do have to put off and may have to give up completely. But keep your fingers crossed that this knee thing is really nothing and I’ll be walking again in no time.

7. Get my rings sized down – Actually I think they’re ready to be picked up today!! Yay, at least I can mark one goal done!

8. Track my food all month – all right, I’m ending on a good note. I’ve definitely done this every day, for better or worse.

Overall I'm super disappointed with this goal check in.  Seriously.  I am so sad that I haven't accomplished much so far.  The rest of the month is not going to be the easiest either, as I have a work conference and then a big department week long to-do.  It's kind of exhausting just thinking about it.
ALL RIGHT.  I need a plan.  I'm going to go home tonight, get my ground turkey cranberry onion type casserole on and ice my knee.  I'm going to pick out and try on my clothes for tomorrow (seriously, I left 40 minutes late because I had not one thing that was clean, not wrinkled, and fit me.  Not good!) and make sure I have enough healthy stuff to take food wise.  And then, I will go to bed early and wake up tomorrow REFRESHED and feeling great.  Right??

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Sugar Doll Award...version 2!

I can't stop giggling.  My mood is swinging up.  I was sitting here reading through Erika's fabulous post and thinking about what my ten things are when I realized that I had received this award previously and...guess who was one of the people I gave it to!  Yup, that's right Ms. Ice Queen herself!!

Love it!!

And now, just like then I think she is a fabulous blogger who you should all read!!  Thank you my dear :)

What's wrong with emotional eating?

I want to change something about me but I don’t know how. I have really severe mood swings…and I don’t want to anymore. They dictate my life and mood and sometimes relationships. I don’t like feeling crazy and I don’t like feeling out of control. I just need a plan.

Anyway, here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2628 calories
Consumed 1070 calories
Deficit of 1558 calories

I ate poorly. I ate poorly and not enough good stuff. The most I ate yesterday was a bowl of spaghetti (a too-big bowl) with cheese all over it. I was just feeling lazy, and afterwards I felt SO gross!! Today I am back on track though.

Beyond needing a new plan for self improvement, I have a question to pose to all of you. A lot of us struggle with emotional eating. The question I have is, what is it about emotional eating that is bad?

Let me clarify. I’m having an off day. I was an hour late to work this morning and I’m just feeling the general blahs after my severe downward mood swing this morning. I was craving, craving something sweet this morning. To my delight, there were white nectarines for us today. Now, food wise I was not hungry, in fact I had already eaten breakfast. But I scarfed that nectarine so fast it was like an alcoholic taking a shot. It was definitely emotional eating. It was healthy though, and it was 67 calories.

I feel guilty. Is the problem with emotional eating just that it so often leads us to finish the bag of Cheetos or that second slice of cheesecake? Is it ok to emotionally eat good-for-you things? Or is it a problem that needs to be resolved and shouldn’t happen no matter what the repercussions are?

Quite a few of you know about me that I majored in philosophy in college. I love to think and overthink and analyze everything. This is going to be something that bugs me all day and I am wondering what you all think about emotional eating. Should I be feeling guilty? Trying to change? Or should I just shut up and be happy that I didn’t reach for a candy bar??

Monday, September 13, 2010

Weigh In and Foodstuffs

I feel good today. Healthy. Despite my Saturday and Sunday where I was a bit off track (let’s just say when you’re not feeling your best you’re potentially not eating your best). Every minute though is another minute to start over, another minute to take a drink of water and another minute to not grab that piece of Trader Joe’s liquorice that is so delicious and only 26 calories but you DO. NOT. NEED. IT. Especially 10 pieces of it. And you just had frozen yogurt. So go work out or something.
Here is how I did yesterday:
Poorly. Let’s move past it. At least I tracked, right?

I do have a quick rant. Over the weekend I had various health problems…that cleared up just in time for me to go to work. Does that bug anyone else?? It’s like in school when you are sick over spring break! What a waste of time off. I spent most of yesterday sleeping, only getting up to eat a couple of times and whatnot. All in all I guess I’ve had worse Sundays but I mean, what a sad, sad waste!

Moving on, I received an email asking me if I would review a line of healthy foods and let you lovelies know what I think. I was and am so flattered. If you guys know me in real life you’d know that I sometimes lose track of myself in all of the good things that happen. I can’t believe that I am over 50 pounds down from my heaviest weight. I can’t believe how supportive you all are towards me. I can’t believe that life is going so easily. So in the same vein I couldn’t believe someone wanted to send ME samples for free that I could test out.

Now you all know me, I am TRYING to do this in as healthy a way as possible (well, healthy plus delicious pork ribs). I don’t want to mess up my body, don’t want flappy skin, none of that stuff. So I asked them for the nutritional information and checked it out and friends I am excited to report it all looks fabulous to me and for me. All that’s left is to get some and test them out. If you want to see what it is I’m trying you can look here: http://www.drtabordiet.com/ to check it out. We’ll see – I have high hopes that I’ll like it, but I am fairly picky!

And now the highlight of my week (what, I have OCD!) - my weigh in!!
Last week’s weight: 193.0
Today’s weight: 186.9
Pounds lost: 6.1

Ok just kidding. You and I both know I didn’t REALLY lose 6 pounds this week. Last weigh in day I was all full of salty gross foods and not enough water and all that junk. So let’s go back 2 weeks to 190.2, and say I’ve lost 3.3 pounds over 2 weeks. That sounds better, sounds more realistic, much nicer.

My goal for this week is to blog every day. Also to catch up on blogs. I am not joking when I say my Google Reader is at over 600 blog entries I haven’t read. Le sigh! As always I miss knowing what is going on with you guys! Oh and my other goal is that every day until I’m done I share the lovely lovely bloggers who have given me awards!! You guys are so sweet and I’m so awful for not even acknowledging them but I WILL!!!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

I'm Naked! An Ode to My Bodybugg

Well, let me start off by saying I will not be posting for a few days about my calories burned...I am without Bodybugg.

I mentioned yesterday that it was Erin's birthday.  Well when I asked her what she wanted...she wanted to use my Bodybugg to see how many calories she burned in a day.  Sigh.  It's not that I didn't want to, other than the momentary panic that set in when she asked.  It's more that I didn't know what to do without it.  My arm feels wrong.  I'm not loving the super obvious tan line either.  But I feel completely naked without it!

So while she is enjoying her time with the little device that means so much to me, I found myself so lost this morning that I have decided to let you all in on why it has changed my life so drastically.  I know I've said how it works and why it works for me, and you all know that I struggle to not live and die by my calorie deficit, but I feel like you can't really understand how much it helps me mentally and emotionally without me sharing something I haven't written about before.

All right...I'll just come out with it.  I worry sometimes (often) that I am going to die and it's going to be something I could have prevented.  Without going into much detail, I've had a fear for years that my father is going to die of something weight related.  It's an intense, extreme worry that at more than one point has seen me literally petrified and unable to function.  As he's lost a ton of weight, my worry for him has lessened to something that I would call normal, but I could so easily see myself following in his footsteps, so the fear became not about him but about myself. 

So far in life I've been lucky.  I'm obese but have never been advised by a doctor or even any professional in the health industry to lose weight.  I have stomach issues, sure, but they're not so bad and they aren't weight related at all.  But I look at how much I weighed in 2000, 2004, 2008 and I never want to see my weight have a mindless, steady climb up and up again.  But I also know that there are multiple health problems in my family that are caused by or made significantly worse by being overweight and out of shape.

You know, I keep reading those two paragraphs and it all seems simple and straightforward.  It's not.  There are years of turmoil and severe emotional problems wrapped up in all of that.  I want to respect my dad's privacy by not going into a lot of detail about his situation, and I don't want to imply that my worry over him and his health is at all his fault.  Just know that the most intense fear that I've felt in my life, and the most intense relief is all wrapped up in health which in turn is wrapped up in weight for me.

Not every weight loss tool works for everyone.  Diets, Weight Watchers, gym memberships, or even Bodybuggs, everyone has something that will just CLICK for them.  And mine was my Bodybugg.  And I miss it.  But I also adore it enough to know that for such a simple thing it is so powerful.  I am so happy that I have the ability to share something that means so much to me with someone else.  I wish I could share it with ALL of you that want one, every single one of you that entered the contest.  By the way, if any of you want to buy them...please let me know.  I just ordered a new blue armband for Crystal and I may be able to get you a pretty significant discount.  And anything I can do to help my lovelies, I will!

I credit my Bodybugg with saving my quality of life. And my sanity.  When I feel like I'm improving my life, as I feel myself sliding away from obesity, I know that this was the one thing that really worked.  It continues to help me, hold me accountable, teach me, even hold my hand.  My goodness, I feel like I should give it a name or something.  Believe it or not, this post took me about two hours to write.  There are just too many feelings I had, too many starts and stops, too many tangents.  And all over an armband with a little rechargeable sensor.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

The Good, The Bad, The Scary, and The Weigh In

Let’s start off with The Bad. Get it out of the way. I told you in my September goals that I was going to track my food all month no matter what. Well friends, that I did. I tracked this whole week and we’ll get to what exactly I ate this week later, but instead of typing it all out I have decided to just give you an average of the first six days of this month.

On average, I burned 2363.5 calories per day.
On average, I consumed 1864 calories per day.
On average, I had a deficit of 499.5 calories per day.

Heh heh, quite the change from normal, right? We’ll talk about that later. Anyway it’s not the numbers that are bad. It’s the fact that I logged them almost all into my Bodybugg last night. I just had been writing on scraps of paper everything I ate, not paying attention to or adding up the numbers and calories or any of that. Not good! The point of tracking is to know how you’re DOING not how you DID. At least it is for me. I’ll get better. I’ve already logged everything I ate today!

On to The Scary, there’s actually a reason I haven’t been around to post or comment on all of your wonderful blogs. When I’ve been at home, I’ve been with my puppy Chips. The poor guy is hurt. And we all know how I can get when my dogs are hurt.  Ok, something odd just happened to me. Thought I was ready to write about him and what is going on but as I’ve suddenly gone crazy emotional over it, I guess not. I’ll get there and let you guys know what happened when I do. He’s doing well now, and he’s perfectly happy so it’s nothing too bad, just a bit frightening to a worrier like me!

Let’s do the Weigh In next…so that we can end on good. I weighed in yesterday even though I didn’t post, so here goes.
Last week’s weight: 190.2
Yesterday’s weight: 193.0
(Just for kicks, this morning the scale surprised me with a lovely 194.4)
Pounds gained this week: 2.8

You’d think I’d be sad. However the surprise for you is that my weigh in? Is also The Good I spoke of. I read a lot of blogs that talk about binges and regret. What I did, I don’t know if I can call it a binge. I gave the unhealthy food a limited amount of time in my life. I ate glorious food in small amounts, and the best part was that I lost that feeling I was getting for so long. The feeling of “you better enjoy it and eat as much as you can, because THIS is all you’re getting this week” – it’s gone. I knew that all week I was going to have glorious food leading up to my return to CAKE yesterday.

I want to share with you all that just like my other gain since I started this blog – it was worth. Every. Ounce. Every GRAM, every bite, everything was worth it. From the Chinese food to the fancy dinner, to the bread and butter, to the PASTA! And when I went to bed last night I was ready to go back to my healthy life. Actually the interesting thing is that last night I ate too quickly, and it really upset me. We were out to dinner with two of our best friends and everything was good from the conversation to the tomato sauce, and I just ate without thinking and had too much too fast. I was so annoyed with myself, feeling like my desire to eat was preventing me from enjoying such a nice meal, and it made me realize that too much of a good thing, especially food, is actually a really bad thing. Someday I know I will have a better balance. I am working on a relationship with food that doesn’t make me feel like a crazy hoarder, but until then my treats are going to have to be severely structured in weeks off and the like.  All in all though, no real complaints.  It was a delicious week!

Events and outing-wise it was a great week for me to be off of my healthy habits! Saturday I went to my fabulous knitting group and had a great time before meeting friends for wine tasting and cheese-laden tapas. My sister’s best friend and his boyfriend were in town and they are just really, really fun people! We only were able to hang out for a little while but I wish we had had longer, we had never been wine tasting in Livermore before (it’s so tough to NOT go to Napa when it’s so close!) but we will definitely be going back.

Also if you guys read this, come BACK Greg and Patrick and bring my sister and Brigitte along!

Then Sunday we were at the Scottish games, due to my dad wanting to hang a bit with other Clan MacAlister folk and I just cannot stay away from those games. Throwing logs, rocks, tin cans, whatever else they can think of – I mean it’s an awesome time. I absolutely love going and rooting for my boy Harrison Bailey III.

So why do I root for this guy year after year? Well besides the fact that he’s AWESOME and wins a lot, and holds a couple of world records in “throwing stuff over a bar” – he’s a vice principal, and I just feel like that is the awesomest thing a teacher/principal/authority figure can do on the weekends – toss logs and carry heavy suitcases between two cones. Love it!

Yesterday was a fiasco. We figured out the night before, that the cupcake place I was so excited about is closed on Mondays. Why we had not looked at their hours of operation is beyond me. After a long and boring story we ended up eating lunch locally and trying to go to a different cupcake place, which turned out to be closed for Labor Day, and then finally drove into Walnut Creek to go to a place we had been to before and is good.

Ok so it's not a cupcake so much as a cupcake parfait, but it was the pinkest thing they had!

The always-fabulous Erin put together a second prize pack for my winning the Biggest Winner, including the girliest headband ever, which I have to admit I have been eyeing since like April. It was PERFECT for the occasion!
it's like a big flower on my head...what could possibly be more girly?

And finally, the oddest part of the day. Have I outgrown cake? I couldn’t finish it!!!

Wow, looking at the picture it looks like I probably ate less than half!!

What is going on with me?! However I did get two cupcakes for Husbandcake and I to each have one for dessert…but I did not come close to finishing that one either! I figure all together I had one cupcake lol.

But soooo much credit has to go to the wonderful Erin for trying SO hard to get me the cupcake I desperately wanted! You should all also know that today is Erin’s birthday, so I think you should all leave comments wishing her an amazing day because she is a really special person. Happy birthday friend!!!!! I can’t even express in words how happy I am, even after the crazy cupcake day fiasco, that we are friends.

What a long blog post. You see what happens when I don’t post regularly? I have too much to report to you all!

Friday, September 3, 2010

Gas Card Winner!

Good morning my lovelies!!!

Well it has been a fabulous morning so far as I have done very little but what I have done makes me feel great!!  I've gone to random.org and used it to find this number:

Came back to my blog to find that the winner was.....

CONGRATULATIONS STACY!!!  Send me an email to kyokocake@gmail.com with your address and I'll get you your gas card!!

After that I was scrolling through the entries reading about your dream cars (you folks are WAY too practical, I suppose that's a good thing though right??) and checking out the blog posts to see if there were any new blogs to be following, and I come across this one comment that just spoke to me.  It was so sweet, so very thoughtful and I loved the dream car sentiment...I just had to choose a second place winner!

Congratulations Husbandcake...you win...a fabulous weekend with an amazing wife driving around in her Prius!!  Yay!!!  And a home cooked delicious meal...except we're grilling tonight so you're the one that is technically cooking it!  PS, I know you did that while I was driving to work...but the contest ended yesterday...maybe that's why your prize isn't as good as Stacy's ;)

Thursday, September 2, 2010

No time!!!

I was all set to put up a blog award that I got, and then write about a few other things, but today is flying by and to be honest I lost myself catching up on all YOUR blogs!

So let me say two things...

First, go enter to win my GAS CARD - it's the last day!!  I really love and want to continue sharing prizes and anything I can with you guys.  And who can't use $100??

Second, it's Thursday, which means blog hop:

I've clicked through more of those links than usual today and followed I think 4 new blogs...so I'll warn you it's addictive!!  But show them some love because there are some awesome writers in there!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Oh Happy Day and September Goals

Hello lovelies! When I post every day, it makes me so happy. Do any of you other bloggers feel the same way? I’ve been in a good mood and I just really love sharing it! I’m just going to warn you that I pretty much have rainbows and sunshine emanating from me today so get ready for a big dose of CHEERINESS!

There are some things on my mind today, and they’re unrelated, so here goes:
I realized last week that I can cross my legs. We used to have these little lessons, once a week (or maybe a bit more sporadically) in my sorority house where we would learn little etiquette things and one of them was that ladies crossed their ankles. Of the few things that stuck with me – I still tear my bread into bite size pieces and then butter it instead of taking a bite out of it – that one always felt just fine because my stomach was literally so large it was hard to put one leg on top of the other. However, now it’s my favorite thing to do. Why? Because I CAN. And the thing I’ve always looked forward to the most is not being hindered by my own body, so it feels just amazing to be able to do that.

Yesterday, Sherae and I were downstairs (our company is on the 5th and 3rd floors of the same building) and I saw the setup of one of the girls down there – she has her computer monitor and keyboard up on this arm thing, so she has the option to stand up and work. Friends, I have been OBSESSED with this since I saw it. I can’t get it done without proof that I need it for ergonomic reasons, but I wonder if I can find stuff to buy on my own and put it in! Honestly, all day I love sitting on my exercise ball, but I hate those days when I wear certain dresses and they get all scrunched up and wrinkly! And even though it can be awkward I love standing more than sitting. I look better, my stomach doesn’t get all gross and sticky-outy, and I hope you will all keep your fingers crossed that I am able to find what I want and get it!!

I am 1.7 pounds away from losing 60 pounds since January 1, 2009. How do you like them apples?? I’ve come so far from that morning in my auntie’s house looking at the scale, feeling like my year was just beginning and was already out of control and just thinking “How did I get here?”

Speaking of statistics, I started this blog at 216 pounds…headed towards 150 (with mini goals along the way)…I’m 40% done. 40%!!!! Although I’m just as excited about the next mini goal as I am about my 150. And as I will be when I figure out where I want to be permanently weight-wise. I’m giddy about weight loss today….she types thinking about the Chinese food she’ll soon be eating for lunch. But hey, one order of Chinese food, this is my fourth meal of it, not bad considering less than 4 months ago I would have eaten it ALL in one sitting.

I cried yesterday after the texts and Facebook and blog comments I got about the Biggest Winner. Knowing that people are proud of me, happy for me and even inspired by me means so, so so much more than winning. And that kind of surprised me. But I always have done what I put my mind to, so I knew if I tried really hard I could excel and do MY best. What always felt like it was missing (I say felt like because I don’t think I really knew how amazingly supportive the people in my life are) was this support structure, so thank YOU, thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!!

Some days I feel so happy to be full of amazing things to share with you. Like today.

And here are my August goals…
1. Finish out the Biggest Winner competition STRONG. No slip ups, temptations, indulgences, nothing. One month of being really, really good. – Um, yes. YES I did finish out the competition strong, I just didn’t finish out the month strong. But that’s ok because I finished out the month HAPPY!

2. Learn how to meal plan even better. Look up recipes ahead of time and really be extra organized. – holy wow, I did AWESOME on this one. I love my meal plan so much!! It allows me to really look forward to my treats and therefore indulge less and even though I give myself wiggle room I like knowing what I’m going to be eating for lunch tomorrow (Asian salad that I bought from a bag!)

3. Have two days where my calories burned are at 3000 or higher. – I only had one. But that’s ok, there’s always next month and hopefully it will be a little less dreadfully hot out!

4. Get back to wearing eye makeup every day. I have so completely stopped this and I always feel like I look tired and bleh and that’s not good! - …ummm *looks at self in mirror…notices how tired looking she is…not even foundation on today…* it’s a mostly-win.

5. Embrace my new work schedule by fixing my hair. I always love how my hair looks on the weekends but for work it’s usually the messy bun look. My new work schedule puts me starting 45 minutes later and I’d love to take a few of those minutes to look a little less like a slob! – Again, I totally have my hair pulled back today but I have totally embraced this for the most part. I’m loving my highlights, loving having my hair down and now all I need is to get out of bed ONE snooze earlier to squeeze in ten minutes with my hot rollers.

6. Let those fabulous friends whose friendships I cannot live without know how important they are. It’s a goal worth repeating until I get it just right. – I’m SO on my way. A few notes have gone out. Why is this goal so hard even though it’s so important? Maybe I just put it off because I feel cheesy. But it looks like this is going to be a September goal too.

7. Take at least two awesome things from this four day happy fun time that I can keep up permanently. I’ve got one – the water consumption, so I need to find one more thing! – All right, so I did take the water consumption, still drinking a ton! I’ve also realized that I am happy being about a 60% vegetarian. I feel better without meat, for the most part and even though I don’t feel worse when I eat it per se, I just appreciate it a lot more. Chicken is a treat. Fish is a great treat (especially this week as every single dinner is fish, I’m fish CRAZED right now). So I’m going to drink a lot, and eat meat sparingly, and red meat…let’s just say I can probably get by eating it once a month and be super satisfied.

8. Get to 100 blog followers…a lofty goal to gain 33 in a month but I’ve got some awesomeness coming your way momentarily – well that goal is so far behind me I can’t see it in my rearview mirror. Hello new followers and I am so happy you are along for my journey!!!

And now on to my September goals, my fabulous incredible September goals that will help me on my way!
1. Be a better friend - as in, not someone who can set a goal to be extra nice to her friends and not do it after two months!

2. Have or at least schedule my reward spa day for getting under 200 pounds! - I just have to call and make the appointment. Why am I slacking?

3. Have at least 6 work appropriate outfits that fit me NOW - because I’m sick of feeling frumpy. Yes it’s happy that my clothes are loose but it’s not fun to scramble every morning because nothing fits. At least one of those is going to have to be another top to go with my PANTS!

4. Wear pants twice - I’m working my way up slowly! Keep your fingers crossed that I don’t just wear pants September 29 and 30!!

5. Teach my puppy how to walk with me - He is awful on a leash and I haven’t had the patience to walk super slowly with him! I have to be more patient and work with him because eventually he’ll be a nice happy energy ball to go on my fast walks with!

6. Go walking with fabulous people - get ready for THIS lofty goal, this month I want to go to the reservoir with Erin and hopefully Amanda too at least twice, go walk with Candis because Lord knows I am an awful friend who never sees her or the baby and I don’t know why she puts up with me and is so nice, go with Emilie because we live so close that it’s a travesty we hadn’t seen each other in so absurdly long, and meet up with Hannah who I haven’t seen since HIGH SCHOOL but I can’t wait to catch up. Not to mention keeping up with my walks at work, because I am more excited for them now than before.  Oh this is my favorite goal so far because I know I’m going to have a great time! And if we live close and you want to go walking or other exercising or out for healthy fabulous time with me TELL ME because I bet I would love love love to hang out and see you!!

7. Get my rings sized down - they are about to fall off, and I never want to miss out on a trip to my favorite jeweler.

8. Track my food all month - even the weekend of cupcake and wine-filled gluttony. Track, track track!! I want to stop feeling like eating bad stuff means I don’t have to track, because that would just give me a license to eat poorly without consequence. We ALL know there are consequences!!

9.  Bonus goal!  Take an updated profile picture!!!!

I love my goals! Maybe I just love everything! Maybe I’m just happy from the walk and not falling behind walking up the stairs! Maybe I am just a happy person after all! Doesn’t matter – it’s a fabulous day, now go drink a bunch of water, be active and be happy that you are all awesome people who make me happy!

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

I'm the Biggest Winner!! (ish)

Well in complete honesty I came in second place.  But I am calling it a win that I came in first for my office...as I don't know any of the people down there in southern CA!

Today was really great beginning to end - er, now.  For our healthy breakfast potluck, I brought fruishi - fruit sushi that was like little nigiri.  It turned out awesomely!!!  I loved it.  Sushi rice covered in a bit of light coconut milk and splenda - and I topped it with various fruits.  I used pineapple, mandarin orange, strawberry and raspberry, I think raspberry was my favorite.  They were only about 40 calories each and so yummy (I can't wait to have some of the leftovers for dessert!).

I also HATED talking in front of people which was hilarious because out of all the people in that room there was only one I haven't had quite a few conversations with.  Anyway I babbled and I think I repeated myself and completely forgot what it is I meant to talk about...but it's ok because it was short and then it was over!

When it came time to announce the winners I was so nervous...I know I had done well but honestly I kept thinking about how embarrassed I would be if after all my coworkers built me up I didn't even place!  But I shouldn't have worried because I know that the real win was getting healthier and not winning wouldn't have been the end of the world.  And then I saw that the first place winner had lost less than 1% more than me and I just KNEW!

During the Biggest Winner competition at work I lost 24 pounds, or 11.2% of my body weight.  I set out to lose at least 10% and thought it was a lofty goal, but August was such a great month for me that I just couldn't believe I had done so well.  I lost the highest percentage of weight on the final 2 weigh ins!!  And I lost the highest percentage of weight in my entire office...but let's be honest, I couldn't have done it without the support and encouragement of everyone that participated and I hope I properly let them know in my mini-speech.  I am so incredibly shy that getting to know people was the biggest blessing and the best part of it.  Ok the weight loss was great but let's be fair, I was on that track anyway.  It was every walk that I met a new person or had a good conversation.

I won a few fabulous things...another gas card, personal training, some supplements and a rolly-up blanket...haven't decided what if anything I'm going to give away but I'll be sure to keep you updated!!  And that's not the best part.  The best part was Monday when Michele asked me if I wanted to go on a walk - and I couldn't, but Elizabeth and I did today, and it was just as intense as any of the ones we've done before.  Such a little thing, but it makes me feel like it's NOT over...I still have a long way to go and I am really happy to know that those girls are still going to be walking with me until I get there...or...until it rains, but we'll worry about that later!

For all that I haven't found my groove yet like I was talking about yesterday, I am doing something right.  Today for some reason I am feeling better about not having a routine, like maybe my routine is just to constantly try new things?  I don't really know what I'm saying other than...I feel like my non-routine worked, so I'm going to stop whining about it.  For a little while anyway!

Not to mention that after my complete Chinese food pig out I was still down on the scale from yesterday so woo hoo to that :) what an awesome day!!

Monday, August 30, 2010

Weekend Fail, Routine Cravings and Weigh In

First of all, don't you want a $100 gas card?  Because I would really love it to go to one of my fabulous regular readers, because the whole reason I am giving it away is to show YOU how much I adore and appreciate you!!  If you have already entered good luck, if not go do it now!!

I meant to be vegan and organic this weekend.  I did well on Saturday, except that I got chicken in my salad without thinking.  But for the most part I was super healthy.  But I realized Sunday that I needed to do a test run on these healthy muffins I wanted to make for the Biggest Winner potluck.  It was my first foray into gluten free baking, as one of the girls in my department has a gluten free diet.  But, it didn't work out.  I made six batches with about 6-8 mini muffins per batch and EVERY SINGLE ONE came out gross (that's not true, one was kind of ok but looked like purple rocks....).

Those of you who know me in real life know I'm a baker.  I love to bake and I'm good at it, whether I'm making boxed cupcakes or super fancy bread or whatever.  So this has brought down my entire weekend.  I've never spent a day in the kitchen and come out frustrated before so this is a big hurdle.  At the end of the day I scrapped the whole thing and I'm making something non baked.  Found a recipe for fruit bruschetta that looks so pretty, I may just do that.

It just doesn't erase the frustration, you know?  And the frustration that I can't just make some really delicious buttery sugary high fat muffins was there too.  Ok, rant over.

Anyway, my frustration carried into this morning, and was not overcome by my awesome weigh ins.  First my weigh in at home:
Last week’s weight: 192.5
Current weight: 190.2
Pounds lost this week: 2.3

Woo hoo!

And then my awesome work weigh in:
Last weigh in: 194.0
Today's weigh in: 189.8
% loss: 2.16% - that's for 2 weeks.  I will tell you all my final % during the Biggest Winner tomorrow!
So after that I don't understand how I can still feel frustrated but I do.  I want to go home and try MORE muffin recipes which I know is not going to do me any good.  I guess I'm just feeling a bit obsessive.
I am REALLY happy with my loss this week.  I am continuing to feel like I'm right on track with my weight loss and I'm loving it.  I love where I'm headed and having OCD I have a fabulous spreadsheet that tells me things like, how many pounds a week I have to lose to be X weight by X date and some other fun things to play around with.
There is something that has been bugging me though and it's my lack of routine.  Testing out different things throughout this month and trying to find sustainable healthy habits has been taking a toll on me.  I am a creature of habit, and the part of weight loss and especially fitness where you have to change up your routine is really difficult for me.  I'm enjoying eating all kinds of healthy food, but I think I may take a mini vacation from it this week.  I'm allowing myself to have a little break where I eat some foods I've been trying to cut out of my life.  I don't know what it is about me, but I feel like I don't have the right balance and I'm trying to figure out what to eat and how often and how much and all of those things - but I'm not finding the right combination with the results I want.  I feel like food wise I'm right on the tip of having a routine and a good balance but I'm just not there yet.
And the limbo of trying new things is making me crave sweet and sour fish.  People in my life are probably really tired of hearing me talk about it, but I've been craving it for awhile, even though I really didn't feel great the last time I had it.  Why is it that eating is so emotional?  Knowing how great my body feels eating these fresh veggies and fruits all the time, I just don't understand why nothing makes me feel as good in my head as rice with sweet and sour fish.  I don't get ME!
But I'll continue to try to embrace it and work forward.  And maybe scheduled indulgences will be what works for me, to eat really healthy stuff and give myself a time limit, like every X days I can have food that will make me feel awful but happy at the same time.  Or once a month I'll have a certain week where...um...let's just say craving bad food seems more urgent than other weeks and I'll allow myself a few indulgences and some chocolate or something.  Whatever it is, I just want to figure it out, start it and get into a routine with it.  Then I'll feel so settled!  That's the hope anyway.
Ohhhhh I've gotten to the point in my blog where I hate how whiny I have been!  All right let's end on a fabulous note.  Husbandcake, who has been gone since Saturday morning, comes home today!  He was in Vegas with his cousin and their friends/fantasy football league having a super fun time (and today he happened to see that there's a Valentino boutique in Caesar's, soooo...I'll be going to Vegas sometime soon) and I missed him like crazy.  So I could not be any happier that he's headed home tonight!!
See?  Don't you love happy endings?  It puts everything in perspective.  No muffins?  No routine?  Who cares, my husband is on his way to the airport to come home to me RIGHT NOW!!

Friday, August 27, 2010

Very Happy Friday!!

Here is a list of things that are making me especially happy today.

1. I’m wearing pants – or at least I was when I got to work (changed into my walking skirt for the walk!).

Those of you who have been with me from the beginning will remember that I don’t wear pants. These are those pants that I bought in March, except they’re looser now and I was not wearing either of those suuuuuuper gross body shapers that are so awful and uncomfortable. I got so many comments already from coworkers and I felt really good about the way I look, to the point that maybe just maybe I will wear the pants a little more often. Of course…I did still wish I was wearing a dress, old habits are hard to break!

2. Surprise goat cheese
Yeah…we had a meeting this morning and I kept trying to repeat to myself that I’d only eat healthy stuff today. And then I saw the quiche. Oh, my friends, if I could explain to you how much I love quiche. So I took a little slice, and on my first bite there was goat cheese. Which is one of my very favorite things. I had to have a second slice. I’m giving myself lego blocks for not having the one with bacon though!
3. Good friends
Especially today it’s making me happy to have good friends to vent to. Friends who know that whatever is driving you insane that second might not matter tomorrow and they see the whole picture and keep things in perspective. Also friends who vent to you and YOU are the one that knows that they don’t really mean things and you can keep it in perspective too.

4. My rings are loose
My guess is that within the next 5-10 pounds I’ll have to get them sized down! I may have to do that more than once but I can’t handle not wearing them for however many months it takes me to reach my goal. Plus I have the best jeweler in the world, so any excuse to visit him makes me happy.

5. Last lunchtime walk
Last OFFICIAL lunchtime walk that is. It was a great one. I hadn’t walked up the big hill in I think a week or so, so it felt really good. I kept up with Elizabeth (or maybe it was just that we were the only two!) and I was out of breath a lot but felt really good.

6. My Bodybugg!
I recently redid my whole Bodybugg program. For awhile I had my goal weight in there as 120, changed it to 150, but there is a smaller, more happy goal that I will share with you guys when I get there (should only be a month or so away) and I get SO much more excited seeing that I’m so close to it. I feel like I should set a new goal for every 4 pounds just so I can really see all that progress.
’ve been “off” of cake so long, I am not about to end my cakeless streak with just any old grocery store bad icing confection. Oh no. I have had an inkling for a few days (I guess that birthday cake that was in the office really DID get to me!) that I want cake and I am planning to do it the right way, with amazing cake, with fabulous people. At American Cupcake where I will replace a lunch with a flight of cupcakes paired with wine. Cannot imagine. Also their mixed drinks look delightful and amazing. Champagne with sprinkles? Yes please, sign me up! I deserve a treat…so keep your fingers crossed that it works out for me!!

8.  It’s making me happy to see people entering to win the $100 gas card. Come on you guys, who wouldn’t appreciate the extra $100…so enter!

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