Thursday, November 4, 2010

Oh Heeeeeeyyyyyyy

Hi friends.  My friends who are so sweet every time I post even though I never get around to it.

The big time-sucker that was our FABULOUS Candyland Halloween party is over.  I would love to say there are a billion pictures to post but I seem to have lost my camera.  I'm sure it will turn up and once it does you will all be able to see just how amazing everything was.

Of course my time there was a little dampened by my OCD which seems to be rearing its ugly side lately.  I just can't take anything frantic or any change in plans at all.  It sends me into an awful tailspin of...despair.  It's so difficult to go outside of my routines and for the past few months any deviation has meant hours of being angry or unhappy.  It doesn't work out well for my eating either.  I've been off plan in both food and exercise and have made several attempts (most of which you've seen here) to get back on track but they all just kind of fall away.  Also Husbandcake has been indulging my desire for eating out lately, I don't even want to tell you guys all of the awful things I've had.  Ok they weren't awful, they were delicious but just so high calorie.

But I'm saying goodbye to all that high calorie food because here goes another attempt!!  I am hoping I'll make it.  There's another Biggest Loser-type competition at work.  Not a big one, just a few people trying to use each other for motivation.  I hope it kicks in again for me!  They've already started walking again, but I haven't joined in as I have been sick all week.  Super sick.  It started out with a bit of a sore throat, went through the sniffles and runny nose, back around to coughing, and today I'm all scratchy dry throat.  I did go to work today, and I have been trucking through it.  I'm coughing a lot and all morning I attempted to space out my cough drops but it didn't keep.  I have an hour and a half more to go and only one drop left!

Anyway, with me and my sicky demeanor, I know the best thing to do is a lot of relaxing.  But if I give myself the weekend to really get better, I am going to be good to go Monday for a walk and a healthy lunch.  I've got to do it, got to find my motivation, got to take more of this weight off.  I know this...I don't know how the motivation has just flitted away from me.

All right, I do.  I'm having an issue with my shape.  I don't understand how I can be wearing a size large in dresses, and yet when it comes to trying on pants I can't even squeeze into a 20.  I have my one pair of jeans that I have grown to love and wear pretty regularly, but to be fair they're kind of...elastic-y at the waist band and at the end of the day, I still have to wear baggy tops because I feel really muffin-top-ish.  Any regular (read: non elastic waisted) pants or skirts that fit me in the waist are just huge for me everywhere else.  I don't know what to do about it and I feel so discouraged...the idea that even if I am wearing smaller dresses I am still wearing almost the same size pants really sucks.  And I know we can't possibly compare ourselves to one another due to height and body's hard some days to hear people who weigh the same as me wearing at least 4-5 sizes lower than I do.

I would love to say I respond to this feeling with a nice ab workout (because let's face it I absolutely KNOW that all my weight is in my waist and I need to seriously target that area) but I've always been honest with you so I'll just say that more often than not I respond with ice cream or a piece of cheese.  All of my mental training has been undone and the idea of starting from scratch is daunting.  I think back to how I felt right after my little "detox" of eating organic vegetarian foods.  I felt so good and so happy.  Since then I made a two day attempt to try that again but the second day involved 3 sour punch straws and it was just all over.

Maybe I should go back to it.  Maybe I should let the abundance of Halloween candy in the office become a test to test how committed I am to this.  Maybe I should close my eyes and remember how far I have come instead of dwelling on how far I have to go.  Maybe I should go home and not let Husbandcake open another can of high sodium high calorie mega-noodle soup, because I know how easy it is to make my own low calorie chicken soup for making my sicky self feel better.

I've said before that every moment is a chance to do the right thing.  Today I've had grapefruit and orange citrus salad for breakfast, creamy butternut squash soup and half a sandwich, for lunch...a bite size Milky Way and a mini sour punch straw (what?? they're SO GOOD!! lol).  The day is not ruined, despite the fact that I'm guessing my soup by itself came in at over 500 calories...heavy cream being something around 450 per cup...and I have time to turn it around.  I've already been drinking hot tea most of the day, and water too.  I'm going to step up the water, have my low calorie soup for dinner and more citrus salad for dessert.  Get my vitamin  C up and my calories down.  I know I'm not ready for exercise or exerting myself as I'm still coughy and gross but I will do what I can to get myself better.

I feel better now...maybe not quite as hopeful as I'd like but better.  If I can make today a healthy day, tomorrow will be a little easier, Saturday a little easier and we'll work our way ahead just one choice at a time.

Friends, I hope my post finds you all well and wonderful!!  I have been somewhat keeping up with most of you (it's been tough) and once again I really hope to be back and more active here!!

I have a really random question to end on - is anyone else having an issue with Google Reader?  It's only showing 4 of the like ten billion blogs I subscribe to, and I can't get any of the others to show up...not sure what is going on there but if you have any insight I'd love to know!


Elizabeth said...

A) Clothing is just sized stupid. You can quote me on that, especially as someone who can't wear a dress due to apparently being shaped weird. Jeans are even more dumb. Not that I am saying down with clothing at all, it's just difficult.

B) I have been an extra tooth brushing fiend this week to avoid eating all the leftover candy in the office, as in always tastes bad post-minty brushingness.

C) No probs with Google Reader today, but I have experienced the problem to which you are referring in the past.

That's all my insight for today. My problem this week is that my body is mistaking sleep deprivation for hunger.

Tammy said...

Hey there, it's good to see you posting. You don't know me, but just before you stopped blogging (or took some breaks), I started following you. I loved hearing about how good you were doing with the challenge at work and how you came in 2nd overall, but first in your office. You really inspired me. I know all too well about derailments and how difficult it is to find your way back. I believe you can make it though. You already know how to live healthier, it's a matter of making a committment to yourself to do it.

I had been on a roll for a few weeks and was feeling optimistic, but then my lack of planning did me in last week. This week I have made adjustments and am doing well. My husband returns tomorrow night from his trip to China. I've already ordered groceries and made plans for what to eat next week. I won't make last week's mistake (not planning for when husband came home from a trip which lead to eating out several times) again this time. I am prepared. The point of all that is that if I can turn this around anyone can. I still have over 230 lbs to lose, so I am no expert (far from it).

I hope you are able to relax this weekend and feel better soon. I look forward to more posts. Stay strong and maybe away from those sour punch straws :)

Brigitte said...

I've missed your blogging! I hope you are back to stay!!! Love ya.

Clothes are sized stupidly. Men get like 6 sizes for length and we get 3. Jeans are the worst and most dress pants don't have belt loops. It sucks!

Ice Queen said...

There you are. :D

I totally get the whole start again. Been there. Done that. Have a whole frakking closet full of t-shirts.

Good thing is that you see a need for yourself and you are not giving up. You keep trying and one day, blammo! You will hit your stride. Keep working at it and keep blogging. We will be here and support you.

Sizing sucks. It is stupid and inconsistent and... Stupid. Why can't clothing makers just get together, make everything consistent and put us all out of our misery? Gah!

Ms. M said...

I agree, take the weekend to really get to feeling better and start strong on Monday with the exercise. I know its tempting to eat whatever is easy and comforting when you'r sick, but I swear I always get better quicker when I keep eating healthy foods. Hope you feel better soon! :)

And yeah, clothing sizes make absolutely NOOOOOO sense.

KyokoCake said...

@elizabeth - I did the same thing!! Mint gum throughout the day...oddly works as a cough suppressant too :)

@Tammy - does your husband eat healthy with you?? I wish I had that...Husbandcake is super supportive but he's trying to put on weight and instead of strength training he's just eating more potato chips! And the sour punch straws seem SO good (only 21 calories each) but the problem is I can't eat just one!

@Brigitte my friend - I agree completely. I just need to...internalize my agreement and stop trying to wear clothes that don't fit my body type when I know I can rock a dress and a lot of girls can't!

@Ice Queen - I totally agree with you there...I am so used to shopping online for more variety in plus size clothing and now it seems like I'm a different size everywhere and it's tough to buy things without trying them on!

@Ms. M - I did fabulously last night, so here's hoping I have another good eating day today!!

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