Saturday, February 19, 2011

Ooh-la-la, She's Trippin'...La-dee-dah, Mental Slippin'

My theme song for the day:

I once saw an interview with this singer, where he said something about how he tries to be straightforward and honest but everyone just ends up thinking he's being ironic and confusing.  It's a weird thing to not have people understand you when you're saying things the best way you know how.  I feel like I had this moment yesterday where I was doing everything I could to be, I guess vulnerable and open...but all anyone else heard was demanding.  It is kind of a lonely feeling to feel misunderstood, no that's not the right sentiment.  I think it's lonely to feel like you're not on the same page as other people, especially if it's probably your fault.

I have been up all night, which isn't helpful the night before a big party.  I finally decided to get up and put some words down, really try to work things out.  And who knows if I'll end up posting this and in what form but I've always been really open with you guys.

I know you guys see this little part of me, and most of the time it's a really great part - when I'm happy I want to write and share it with you guys, share it with the world.  When I'm not doing well it's not so simple.  I think it's a pretty normal reaction to not want to share or spread the awful, negative feelings we all feel from time to time.  Maybe that skewed view is what makes people not understand me, or maybe it makes you all think I'm a different person than I really am.

I've been forced to really consider a lot about the things I do and how they affect people.  Specifically, how my most recent episode with OCD has affected people around me.  Something like that is difficult because in the moment, when I have zero perspective, when my head is all consumed with the obsessive thoughts - I can't snap out of it.  It sounds so easy to say that I should see things how they are but that's not how the disease works.  And while I am glad that I am out of it now after a couple weeks of slowly climbing out, it's really depressing to reflect on the effect my checking out had.  It would be so nice to just snap back into life but that's not how LIFE works.  All we can hope for when it comes to other people is that if we try our hardest to be good to them, that they will do the same for us.

I had a very emotional and really...serious talk with a couple of friends last night.  One of them said something last night that really stuck out in my mind - actually it was the thing that kept me up last night.  She was talking about...not having seen her in her darkest hour (yet).  It spoke a lot to me.  These past few weeks have not been my darkest hour, that "honor" will hopefully forever be stuck far, far in the past.  But they surely have been the worst times of my adult life, at least when it comes to the unhappiness lurking in my head.  And now they have seen me like that.  And it has been hurtful to them.  I have had these pockets of escape, my weight victory, my vacation in Tahoe and my new online friends - and those things have been validly AMAZING, but I just have taken and taken from my "normal" life to give to them.  It has to stop - this is a balance that needs to be restored.  Because those things shouldn't be an escape.  They should be a part of my regular life, things that don't detract from regular life (work, friends, everything) but that ADD to it.

It's strange too because in the midst of all this one of my new friends went through something similar...feeling like new friendships or new fun things to bond over are threatening in some way to old friends.  At least I think that's what it was about.  It turns out that's what it was about for me anyway - that I didn't even see how much I was neglecting the things that made my life so wonderful before this stress attack.

And that's where I am now.  Figuring out how to recover from this whole episode.  Trying to take these awesome new things in my life out of the "escape" category and merging them with the awesome things that were already there.  Acknowledging that some things in life take work - and those things are so, so often the most rewarding and the most amazing.  Anyway, I love you guys.  Readers and friends alike.

I feel better.  I'm glad I got all that out.  I am hopeful.  I am really, really excited about my party tonight.  My friends Amanda and Erin have outdone themselves, it is going to be amazing and something I could not be more grateful for.  I hope you are going to be there too :)

as a little post script I want to acknowledge that today is the Day of Remembrance.  It is the anniversary of Executive Order 9066, which led to Japanese Americans being taken from their homes and put in camps during World War 2 (  In addition to all of the other crazy emotional stuff going on today, I am really missing my Jichan.  He and my Bachan (my grandparents) were in the camps, and it wasn't something that was really talked about but I hope they know that I am thinking of them today and missing them, wishing they were both still here.


Anonymous said...

Kyoko - I love reading these blogs. Your writing so closely mirrors my own thought patterns. You have so much going on and try to present yourself as... hmm.. dignified... put together... content... not sure of the right word. Well, you pull it off! Everyone has ups and downs. Sometimes there are ungraceful moments of reality. You are such an amazing person - keep at it, the world is better for having you! :) See you tonight.

Cladeedah said...

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. I hope you find your balance. God knows I'm struggling to find mine. Sometimes I think I'm like a superhero -- not the cool, crime-fighting part, just the double-life part. Super serious responsible adult by day -- hyperactive rock groupie by night. There's gotta be a balance. Maybe my career is so serious and stressful that I need the exact opposite in my personal life? Who knows?

I just want you to know that I think you're completely amazing and I'm so thankful I found you. That's all. :-)

Bobbi said...

It sucks going through rough patches; I hope everything meshes and the escapes become part of your everyday very soon. I also hope you had a great time at your party. Also thanks for your willingness to share so much with us - you rock!

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