Sunday, February 6, 2011

It's Time I Got Back to the Good Life

All right.  It's been awhile again and again all I can really explain is that I've been in the pit of OCD...and there's no internet there., the past few days I've kinda been into Twitter (@KyokoCake) because my attention span for things outside the realm of my obsession is closer to 30 seconds than 30 minutes, and believe me when I say I can't write a blog post in 30 seconds!!

I'm climbing out of the pit.  I'm still in it.  Just slowly trying to...I guess logic my way up to the top.  I have nothing in my life that should make me less than ecstatic.  I really mean that.  I know you long time readers know that I think I am AWESOME, and I do...I really do.  Being obsessive can be a sad and ungrateful feeling, and it's tough on the people around me.  I have these friends...and my husband, and my family.  They remind me of all the wonderful things I have and it's hard to be aware of how great things are and to still not just snap out of it.

So I've gotten quite a few emails, texts and everything else after my last post.  And by quite a few I mean, I have not had the time to even reply to everyone.  I've cried more than once.  I...can't express how much it means to me to know how much people who read this blog care about me.  The right words don't even exist.

I had the weirdest thought this morning.  I have been thinking about all of my anxiety lately and I gave myself a bit of a break.  Honestly people, there is a LOT going on with me.  Not necessarily bad.  Mostly good.

I have been talking for so, so long about a career change.  Husbandcake wants me to be home, my work hours are stressful and so is the commute.  But there is a type of stability in having a real job, there is a comfort in working for a fitness company while losing weight and being in shape is still such a huge focus in my life.  My job is not all rainbows and sunshine but I can honestly say I work for a great company in an AWESOME group, we all get along and hearing other people talk I know I have it good.  So it's not an easy decision, and I feel like there are people just waiting on me while I'm in limbo and not committed fully to anything - which isn't fair to anybody.

Limbo itself seems to be hardest on me.  Husbandcake, for now, will support me in whatever I decide to do.  But it's tough for him to hide his preference to have me home, because he works from home most of the time and it's...tough for us to be apart every day.

A couple of you asked about what was making me want to do some grand gesture.  Maybe it's because I am only nine days from leaving my twenties behind me.  Maybe it's because the job limbo is one of a million things I feel like I am on the edge with.  I feel like it's time for me to have more substance.

I'm not saying that I'm shallow.  I'm not, I am actually surprisingly intellectual.  I say surprisingly because I don't really let that geeky philosophy loving girl out very often.  I am really self conscious about the way my brain works, and I feel like I don't make sense to a lot of people.  And even if I did, well...I don't think many people would find it fun to over analyze the things that intrigue me.  I can spend hours listening to a song and just reveling in the fact that the pieces fit together like a puzzle, and not a lot of my real life friends follow Disgrasian enough to go on and on about it like I can.

That's not really the point though.  The point is that I have all these thoughts, these serious thoughts about life, where I'm going, the state of the world, you name it, and at the end of the day I've been really happy to let them go at a moment's notice when I see a pretty handbag or the potential for a theme party.  And maybe I feel like it's time to find a different balance between being serious and being...frivilous.  It's tough though, because I really am comfortable being that distinctly frivilous person.  The mildly sarcastic, probably slightly drunk and easily distracted girly girl who is texting you RIGHT NOW because she saw a bunny with a mustache in a store window.

See, I got distracted from the serious thoughts again.  Not that I really knew where I was going with this in the first place.

I know serious me wants to do things like...make the world a better place, stop eating meat (I don't like feeling guilty about delicious things), be more in control of her OCD.  She thinks she wants to keep getting more into running.  She wants to finish losing this damn weight so she can get pregnant.  She wants to be calm and centered in her life.  And I want to help her.  Maybe I should just pick one thing and stick with it.

Maybe I just need more confidence.

I've been writing this post for about an hour now and I'm so frustrated - I wanted to delete the whole thing but I thought in the end I'll just share my frustration.  I wrote all that, I mean all of it and I have no conclusion.  No place to go, no real resolutions reached.  Rawr...what is this, a mid-life crisis at 29?!!!  I hate ending on such...dissonance.

Thanks for bearing with me so long though.  I've actually been working on a post for tomorrow that makes me almost feel like myself again - some really good news that I have been holding on to for a couple of days.  You'll be happy to read it.

For now...Husbandcake has some pretty bad allergies and we're having to miss a wonderful Superbowl party so I can take care of him.  So I should that :) hope you are all having a lovely Sunday!


Anonymous said...

I joined Twitter just now...kinda because of you, kinda because I've been so curious, why hold out. I mean, I held out on FB forever, and it's my best friend now :-)
I just blogged about needing motivation to lose weight....wanna help each other? I need a kick in the pants like no other!
I have to say, 30 was a turning point for me. I feel like the time for screwing around is done, and it's time to get real with my life. Honestly, owning a home never appealed to me before, and now it's all I think about! Turning point or not though, I can't seem to find all the motivation I need for all things...
I heart you KC (KyokoCake) for being real :-)

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