Monday, January 31, 2011

Why am I so obviously insane...

I’m not dead…I swear it. I feel kiiiinda like a zombie though. Please know that I haven’t forgotten you and I haven’t left the blogging world again, I just find it hard to find a spare few minutes to write thoughts down at all. Which is sad.

Quick blog related update: um, I’m at 181.3 as of this morning Yep, lowest weight since…who even knows when (like I really had a scale those 5-6 years I was steadily gaining a hundred pounds). The scale numbers are steadily if not quickly going down and the running is improving ever so slightly. I’ve been insisting to everyone in my life that I have NOT been losing weight lately and now I have to stop doing that because it's not true anymore!! I’m totally confident about my birthday weight goal too which is great! To be honest the weight loss is the only part of my life that I really feel like is going well right now. I know that’s not really true…but I think maybe I’m just lacking perspective.

I have been having a really rough time. I kind of have two jobs, most of you know one of my jobs is working in property management for a fitness company…well in a past life I was an editor of sorts and that job is complicated at best. I still do work from time to time for this publishing company. Maybe 90% of the time the whole company is just my dad, by himself, taking orders and all that, he doesn’t put out new material anymore really and it’s just kind of plugging along. But when things get complicated, like this giant project we’ve had lately, I have to help out.

So between work-work being really complicated, editing-work being extremely time consuming, birthday party planning being crazy and about ten other things I’m lost. I’ve retreated into my OCD in a really bad way. I’ve found a new obsession, and I spend all of my time thinking about it, reading about it, and just…in general being obsessed.

There’s something so unnerving about knowing that you’re crazy. In some ways it’s terrifying and in some ways it’s calming. I know what needs to be done – I need to stop fixating on something so frivolous. But in the moment…when I feel panicked it’s so comforting to retreat into my own little world. It’s just a weird dynamic I guess. The whole thing is making me have all these disjointed and grandiose thoughts. I’ve contemplated this ten day meditation course, just up and leaving my life for ten days to be a part of it, and I’ve contemplated becoming a pescetarian. Is that how you spell it? What I mean to say is that I would be giving up all meat, except fish.

My brain is all over the place. I was pretty convinced I could sit here and write something to you all that didn’t sound crazy. I’m not 100% sure I succeeded. But I adore all of you, I haven’t been keeping up on your blogs, and I’m sorry. I’ll get back from this obsession and be a part of the real world. I hope it’s soon.


Tammy said...

I was actually thinking about you today and almost sent an email. It's good to hear from you and that the weight and running are doing well.

Sorry about the other stuff, I hope you can find some peace soon. You've got a lot on your plate right now - can others help with the birthday planning or your dad's company?

Nope, you didn't sound too crazy just too busy. Take care :)

Anonymous said...

I love this post, because it's so real and honest! You're not perfect, and that's ok. We all have a bit of crazy in us, and owning it is half the battle. I feel compelled to tell you that I like my eggs to be balanced in the container...moreso when life goes crazy. It's the little things I guess, and since we're both still functioning, that's ok :-)

Annie, The Amazing Shrinking Girl said...

Great job so far! Running isn't my thing (though wish it was) so I always get jealous of people who love it.

Keep it up and can't wait to support you on your journey!

Diet Starts Tomorrow said...

That's awesome that your meeting your weight loss goals! You should be really proud about that and it should help motivate you to stay positive in all aspects of life!

Farrah said...

I just found your blog from a link on someone else's blog.

I really like reading it! :)

Best wishes,

template by