Running. *shudder*

186.9.  Another pound lost and another reward (this one was a white board).  I reeeeeally need to take these in to my office and enjoy them!

Hi!

Hello my lovely lovely friends.  I've been off in the world of masquerade masks for a few days.  I literally can't think of anything else.  It's been awful and wonderful at the same time.

I have a lot of new subscribers, and I am so very very pleased.  Hi new followers!!  Introduce yourselves!  If you are brand new you should know I'm planning a masquerade ball, and if you're in the bay area (or not) I would love you to come.  Because I am THAT excited.  You should probably also know that I have OCD and that is why I obsessively talk about it.  I'm trying to keep it to a minimum so that today I can talk about...

Running.

I was going to link back to a blog where I know I very strongly stated I was not a runner but I can't seem to find it.  I don't like to run, I don't get running, I quit c25k on week 1 day 2, and not even after I completed day 2!  However, upon further thought I've decided I'm going to run.  To be a runner.  I said in an earlier blog that I was going to run the Disneyland half marathon, and I'm pretty excited about that goal.  I actually am procrastinating signing myself up, although I know that is going to happen by the end of this weekend.

I have a plan.  A running plan that goes from today until race day.  A plan that will make sure that I can run it in the time allotted or hopefully faster.  I'm scared of this plan.  And embarrassed by it a little bit.  The thing is, I am starting off by trying to run a tenth of a mile away from my house and then back.  When I looked on Google Maps I felt humiliated to myself that I had to PLAN to run that tiny distance.  But when I really truly admit it to myself, I haven't been working out or walking lately.  I am out of shape.  This is the realistic way to go about things.

There are a lot of emotions I have associated with this plan.  The first is like I said, embarrassment.  I may or may not have mentioned that Husbandcake is a runner.  A distance runner in fact.  He considers himself out of shape when he gets out of breath...after a mile.  I consider it a huge accomplishment when I make it up one flight of stairs without wanting to sit down.  He'd never judge me or make me feel bad or slow but I'd just know that he didn't understand where I was coming from.  Another emotion is anger, anger at myself for letting myself get to the point that I don't have the confidence to run less than a quarter mile.  Then there's hope, that I can actually be a runner and imagine all the glorious calories that I'll be burning when I am out there running 5-6 miles at a time.  But I'd be kidding myself if I didn't tell you that the bad feelings took up about 90% of my feelings.

That's not like me.  Sometimes it's like me.  But I haven't snapped out of it, and THAT is not like me.  I try to be very upbeat and happy.  After all, I am about to start a wonderful fitness journey that will end in tutus!  What else could a girly girl want?

For it to be easy...

Yikes.  Really yikes.  That is NOT freaking likely.  The goal for me is to get my time under 2.5 hours.  That is not likely either.  Or maybe it is, maybe I'll be a natural and end up being faster than I think.  I imagine myself barely making it in under the 3.5 hour time limit and it's scary.

I'm scared that I'll fail.  I'm scared that I'll stick with this plan for a week and then forget it.  That I won't actually run the half marathon, that I will be on the sidelines cheering my friends on.  That while I'm cheering them on I'll be eating a corndog or something.  It's weird not to have faith in myself.  After all, I am awesome.  I really am, I have my moments of doubt but I don't fake how much I like me.  That's what makes those moments of doubt so hard.

I've got to snap out of it.  I can't kill myself with doubt before I've even started.  I have to go look at my plan again and get excited.  Yes it's embarrassing to run a block and back because that's as far as I can go, but it's just the first step.  And soon enough I'm sure I'll be posting that I ran those 5 miles without stopping, and we'll all be laughing at how silly I was that first day being worried about failure.

Right?