Jump out, jump out, get your groove on

Lovely people who I adore: I have been doing really well in the past week.  I know, right?  After my last post...you'd think I'd be all jumping up and down to let you know that I'm happy.  And I AM, I just haven't had much time.

Yesterday was an odd Saturday.  I had to go in to the office this morning.  I just had a lot of stuff to get done and a giant wave of responsibility that came over me, forcing me to act like a grownup.  Afterwards, I came home to take care of HusbandCake who is sick.  He's been achey since Friday with a sore throat.  Don't get me wrong, I really do love taking care of my husband.  It's one of those things that just makes me feel happy...or...girly?  Wifely?  Whatever it is, I do enjoy caretaking.  At the same time, I am terrified of getting sick.  So he's been getting a lot of tea and soup and blankets and...space.

Haha.

Seriously though, taking care of a sick person has been making my mind wander, and I got to thinking about this blog, about my weight loss, about everything I set out to do when I started this blog.  I have been thinking about taking care of MYSELF.  Longtime readers have probably picked up on the fact that I go through serious phases and lax phases.  Some weeks the only thing I have to be proud of is that I haven't done too much gaining of weight.

I think that taking care of myself is going to have to change going forward.  I am so excited about all of the mental and emotional taking care of myself that I've done lately and that I'll continue to work on intensely over the next couple of weeks.  Now I need to go forward and take better care of myself physically.  No more starts and stops, I need a sustainable lifestyle.

I know I'm not giving up meat for health reasons (although without a doubt my most unhealthy temptations tend to be meat dishes) but I've been doing really well without red meat.  I've had a couple of slip ups, but they were one-bite slip ups and I am not really beating myself up over them.  I'm ready now, to move on to other meat.  I'm hoping this goes easily for me - over the next couple of weeks I won't be around the temptation of meat sitting there mocking me deliciously.

Really though, I've been going through phases of running every day for a week and then not exercising for a week.  It's bad - I need a regular schedule.  I have started using my weekly calendar to plan out not just food but exercise as well.  I am going to force myself to take days off and not burn out.  Forcing myself to have treats, so that I am not tempted to go overboard.  Sustainable!

I so set out to blog about weight loss.  I guess I am writing about my process.  And I'm excited about it - now off for some healthy breakfast!!

Ooh-la-la, She's Trippin'...La-dee-dah, Mental Slippin'

My theme song for the day:


I once saw an interview with this singer, where he said something about how he tries to be straightforward and honest but everyone just ends up thinking he's being ironic and confusing.  It's a weird thing to not have people understand you when you're saying things the best way you know how.  I feel like I had this moment yesterday where I was doing everything I could to be, I guess vulnerable and open...but all anyone else heard was demanding.  It is kind of a lonely feeling to feel misunderstood, no that's not the right sentiment.  I think it's lonely to feel like you're not on the same page as other people, especially if it's probably your fault.

I have been up all night, which isn't helpful the night before a big party.  I finally decided to get up and put some words down, really try to work things out.  And who knows if I'll end up posting this and in what form but I've always been really open with you guys.

I know you guys see this little part of me, and most of the time it's a really great part - when I'm happy I want to write and share it with you guys, share it with the world.  When I'm not doing well it's not so simple.  I think it's a pretty normal reaction to not want to share or spread the awful, negative feelings we all feel from time to time.  Maybe that skewed view is what makes people not understand me, or maybe it makes you all think I'm a different person than I really am.

I've been forced to really consider a lot about the things I do and how they affect people.  Specifically, how my most recent episode with OCD has affected people around me.  Something like that is difficult because in the moment, when I have zero perspective, when my head is all consumed with the obsessive thoughts - I can't snap out of it.  It sounds so easy to say that I should see things how they are but that's not how the disease works.  And while I am glad that I am out of it now after a couple weeks of slowly climbing out, it's really depressing to reflect on the effect my checking out had.  It would be so nice to just snap back into life but that's not how LIFE works.  All we can hope for when it comes to other people is that if we try our hardest to be good to them, that they will do the same for us.

I had a very emotional and really...serious talk with a couple of friends last night.  One of them said something last night that really stuck out in my mind - actually it was the thing that kept me up last night.  She was talking about...not having seen her in her darkest hour (yet).  It spoke a lot to me.  These past few weeks have not been my darkest hour, that "honor" will hopefully forever be stuck far, far in the past.  But they surely have been the worst times of my adult life, at least when it comes to the unhappiness lurking in my head.  And now they have seen me like that.  And it has been hurtful to them.  I have had these pockets of escape, my weight victory, my vacation in Tahoe and my new online friends - and those things have been validly AMAZING, but I just have taken and taken from my "normal" life to give to them.  It has to stop - this is a balance that needs to be restored.  Because those things shouldn't be an escape.  They should be a part of my regular life, things that don't detract from regular life (work, friends, everything) but that ADD to it.

It's strange too because in the midst of all this one of my new friends went through something similar...feeling like new friendships or new fun things to bond over are threatening in some way to old friends.  At least I think that's what it was about.  It turns out that's what it was about for me anyway - that I didn't even see how much I was neglecting the things that made my life so wonderful before this stress attack.

And that's where I am now.  Figuring out how to recover from this whole episode.  Trying to take these awesome new things in my life out of the "escape" category and merging them with the awesome things that were already there.  Acknowledging that some things in life take work - and those things are so, so often the most rewarding and the most amazing.  Anyway, I love you guys.  Readers and friends alike.

I feel better.  I'm glad I got all that out.  I am hopeful.  I am really, really excited about my party tonight.  My friends Amanda and Erin have outdone themselves, it is going to be amazing and something I could not be more grateful for.  I hope you are going to be there too :)





as a little post script I want to acknowledge that today is the Day of Remembrance.  It is the anniversary of Executive Order 9066, which led to Japanese Americans being taken from their homes and put in camps during World War 2 (http://dayofremembrance.org/).  In addition to all of the other crazy emotional stuff going on today, I am really missing my Jichan.  He and my Bachan (my grandparents) were in the camps, and it wasn't something that was really talked about but I hope they know that I am thinking of them today and missing them, wishing they were both still here.

Keep On, Keep On, Keep On, Yeah

I realized today how awesome I am.  I know you all already know, because I remind you on a very regular basis lest you forget that I am the awesomest, but today it came to me epiphany-style and it was great.

I had a pretty bad panic attack this morning.  I was just feeling so overwhelmed with things that were awesome, awful, stressful, and scary (in the sense that the unknown is scary).  I don't even want to get into it though because those thoughts are gone and I don't miss them.

I was thinking this morning, as I have been for several days now, that I have really changed as a person since I started this blog, since I lost the weight, since I wanted to be healthier.  I am so proud of myself, and so grateful for all of your support.

So now that I've kicked my most recent goal's ass, am not obese, and am a runner, what is my next goal?  Well friends I'll tell you.  I want to be not overweight.  Yep, another 30 pounds need to go out the freaking door.  And I figure even though not being overweight would be 149 for me, I'm going for 147.5.  Why?  Long time readers might know that that will be a HUGE MILESTONE of 100 pounds lost since my heaviest weight.  And I'm gonna get there.

I set a tentative goal date of July 23.  My 6th wedding anniversary.  We'll see how I'm doing a month or two in and if I need to change anything up, but I think I can accomplish this NO PROBLEM.  Especially with my half marathon training, which is on hold during this gross weather.  I am so excited.

I feel like the end is in sight.  I know it's not really, I know I have a lifetime of watching what I eat, of maintaining and staying fit.  But when I'm on, I am ON and I know I can eat well, exercise and get my weight down even more.

I also feel this insane hope about my OCD.  I know I've talked about it so much lately, and I know if you don't suffer from it it's really difficult to understand, but know that I'm sick of talking about it/thinking about it/living with it/being obsessed with...being obsessed.  However, I have been...accepted to a program that I think is REALLY going to help me out.  I don't want to talk about it much until I've gone through it (it will be over mid-March)...no sense in painting a picture of something I haven't seen yet.  But I am hopeful, and happy, and I can't wait to move past this most recent obsessive crazy-time.

The feeling of the day is awesome hope for the future.  What's making you excited about your own future today??  Let's keep all this happiness going...

You Make The Rainclouds Disappear

Hi lovelies.  I haven't posted in awhile have I?  Over a week, I believe.  As usual, I was just too too too busy!!  I had a woooooonnnnnnnnderful weekend in Tahoe with some really fabulous people, and then of course spent the past two days really spending some quality time with Husbandcake and getting my relaxing on.

Yesterday was my birthday.  I'm 30!!  I'm not one of those people opposed to aging.  My life has gotten better every single year I've lived it (ok let's say, since I turned 18 at least).  It's continuing to get better.

I entered my 30s not obese.  My scale told me yesterday that I was at 178.1 (that's after a weekend of some serious drinking and eating of delicious foods).  I cried a little bit...not being obese still means a lot to me, gets me very emotional.  Last February I never realized how serious I could be about losing weight and being healthy.  The dress I wore to my 29th birthday party was a 3x.  The shirt I wore yesterday was a size large.  I feel different.  I had a little mini cake roll from the Asian market instead of a full on cake.  Don't get me wrong, I loved it like a fat kid loves cake, but I never envisioned a day I wouldn't have a good sized cake that me and Husbandcake would pick our way through for a whole week.

Look at these BEAUTIFUL LADIES!!  (and look at my lack of chipmunk cheeks, that's pretty awesome too!)

I entered my 30s a runner.  A runner!  I was on vacation in Tahoe over the weekend...and I ran.  In the snow, all bundled up.  It felt so good.  My whole life I thought I hated nothing more than running.  I played soccer for 12 years growing up, and I mean...if they made a sport like soccer where you could kick the ball around without moving I think I would have liked it a lot more.  Now I crave it.  It took what, a month??  And I crave running?  Love, love, love it.

See that Erin and Amanda?  Yeah I rocked the monster hat.  Monster hat, giant scarf, too stylish for words.

I entered my 30s wearing pants.  Yeah, I know that sounds crazy but after years of not wearing them I feel great.  That extra 70 pounds looks great now that it's gone from my body.  I lost my chipmunk face.  I would say I look great in my jeans but to be honest with you...they're feeling a little big on me ;)  Husbandcake and I were at a friend's house briefly yesterday and he said when he came and stood next to me, putting his arm around me he couldn't believe how different it was.  To go in a year and a half from barely being able to give me a big hug, to being able to hold me like that meant so much to him.  And it means SO MUCH to me.

I entered my 30s in control.  Well, almost in control.  I'm still having some trouble with the OCD stuff.  Still a little obsessive, but it's nowhere near where it was a couple of weeks ago.  No depression, everything has been happy.  There's been pockets of stress here and there but nothing I can't handle!  I feel so much more in control of my own thoughts and it makes me happy.
I entered my 30s feeling beloved. I know quite a few of you are my facebook friends and my new Twitter friends and I was so overwhelmed by the number of people wishing me a happy birthday (although sorry all of you, because my favorite birthday wish came today, courtesy of the singer of my theme song - speaking of which, I've been listening to it every morning to remind me that I can kick ass every. single. day.) I actually was brought to tears twice yesterday just from feeling surrounded by the most wonderful people anyone has ever had in their lives, online and in person.

I swear, Twitter makes me feel like it's ok to be a crazed superfan.

I love each and every one of you reading this.  I'm feeling sappy today.  I wish you all lived close to me and we could just hang out in one big fabulous group of amazing people.

I doubt I'll be back posting until after the masquerade ball on Saturday (do you live near me?? Are you coming to the ball??), I think I'm about to become the busiest person ever.  But I will be back, I do miss blogging, I do love all of you and I think about you and wonder how you're doing and want to read your blogs again, but it's just so tough.  I'm gonna have to...cut down my list of like 400 blogs I read or something!

All right loves.  I hope you are all having beautiful wonderful healthy times!!  If you really, really love me...post a comment telling me how you've been, because I really, truly want to know.  I miss you guys when I am only posting sporadically and not reading blogs.  I miss you a tonnnnnnn :) have a fabulous day!!

If you wanna start something, know one thing: I'm king.

I have had this theme song this week - it's this mildly obscure song by Weezer called King (by obscure I mean, I am not 100% on this but I think it was a bonus b-side to one of their deluxe albums and is sung by the bass player).  Anyway the feel of the song is this really mellow confidence, the song itself feels laid back but the guy is pretty much talking about how he is no doubt in charge and don't mess with him.  It's definitely not your typical get pumped up song, not at all.



But it's been my theme song because I feel like I am on top of the world.  I heard it Monday morning and it just nailed how I need to be feeling right now and I made this conscious choice to let it set the tone for my day.  I felt like I was singing it straight to my stress, straight to all the things that have been getting me down.  And since then I've been riding a high from my weight loss, my running, everything.  There is no feeling so wonderful as climbing back out of that pit of OCD despair.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still feeling very obsessive, but I've also been really happy.  I feel like I am turning things around, I can do anything...Isn't it amazing the difference only two days can make??

Yesterday was one of the best days I've had in a long time.  I went running at lunch, Week 3 Day 2 of c25k is, I believe, run a minute and a half, walk a minute and a half, run three minutes, walk three minutes - and then repeat.  My last run, I must not have heard the beep telling me to stop and I ran for over four minutes.  That...is HUGE.  I was complaining to a friend last week that I hated the jump from one minute to one and a half.  And now I'm running around for four minutes without collapsing?  What a freaking feeling!

I feel like it was some kind of crazy sign that I was right to really make the effort to attack my stress.  It didn't hurt that the thing that made me look down at my phone and see that I had run too long was the very guy that sings that song tweeting at me that I made his day (from telling him that the song made my day).  Which made MY day.  AGAIN.

Anyway, I guess I just want to really appreciate and enjoy this inspiration, motivation, happiness.  My life is great.  I've accomplished every single thing I really, truly wanted to do by the time I was 30.  Married Husbandcake, which I wanted to do from the day I met him.  Bought a house and made it into a home, have wonderful pets and an amazing group of friends, life does not get better.  And the best part is that there IS still room for improvement.  I am going to phase meat out of my life, I am going to take better measures to manage my stress, these are all goals that I can accomplish, that I will accomplish.  Because I can do anything...I'm king.

So I'm looking to you all for just a little more inspiration.  Tell me what your theme songs are.  What gets you pumped up, excited, just plain happy?  What makes you run a little faster or put that extra effort in?

Oh hi

You don't know it but my little oh hi, yeah that little greeting up there, comes to you from a different KyokoCake.  A KyokoCake that is...not obese.  A KyokoCake that will enter her thirties being not obese, being in the best shape of her life (ok since high school anyway).

That's right.  With a freaking week to spare, I am calling it!!  It's been four days that I've been under 180 both in the morning and at night.  That includes a martini party, fried rice, you name it, I had an awesome weekend and kept it around 178.  This morning?  177.7 - OH MY does that feel good.  It just occurred to me I should have taken a picture.  But I have been too excited, every morning I get off the scale and dance around a bit.

In fact, if I could do it, I would hack all of your computers so that when you open the blog post, your screen shoots out confetti and you can hear me all giggly with delight.

*now for a quick disclaimer.  I know there are a lot of people out there who think BMI is a horrible indication of fitness and health.  I kind of agree, it takes into account zero variables, and really fit people are often miscategorized because muscle weighs a lot.  But in this case, just knowing that there's a number out there and now I'm on the side of it I want to be on...it makes me feel great.

Time to set a new goal!!  What should it be, what should it be?  I can't even think of it right now.  I can't even think about my OCD right now, I can't think about anything but how far I have come.  About forty pounds since I started this blog, and I think a little over SEVENTY POUNDS from my heaviest.  What a freaking day.

I can hardly concentrate on anything this morning.  I've been waiting, kinda expecting the scale to go up and down all weekend, and it didn't.  I could honestly go on and on.

But instead, I'm going to go get my work done, revel and be happy, think about my new goals and wish all of you so much luck on the way to yours.  Because damn it feels SO GOOD to achieve one :)

It's Time I Got Back to the Good Life

All right.  It's been awhile again and again all I can really explain is that I've been in the pit of OCD...and there's no internet there.  Haha...no, the past few days I've kinda been into Twitter (@KyokoCake) because my attention span for things outside the realm of my obsession is closer to 30 seconds than 30 minutes, and believe me when I say I can't write a blog post in 30 seconds!!

I'm climbing out of the pit.  I'm still in it.  Just slowly trying to...I guess logic my way up to the top.  I have nothing in my life that should make me less than ecstatic.  I really mean that.  I know you long time readers know that I think I am AWESOME, and I do...I really do.  Being obsessive can be a sad and ungrateful feeling, and it's tough on the people around me.  I have these friends...and my husband, and my family.  They remind me of all the wonderful things I have and it's hard to be aware of how great things are and to still not just snap out of it.

So I've gotten quite a few emails, texts and everything else after my last post.  And by quite a few I mean, I have not had the time to even reply to everyone.  I've cried more than once.  I...can't express how much it means to me to know how much people who read this blog care about me.  The right words don't even exist.

I had the weirdest thought this morning.  I have been thinking about all of my anxiety lately and I gave myself a bit of a break.  Honestly people, there is a LOT going on with me.  Not necessarily bad.  Mostly good.

I have been talking for so, so long about a career change.  Husbandcake wants me to be home, my work hours are stressful and so is the commute.  But there is a type of stability in having a real job, there is a comfort in working for a fitness company while losing weight and being in shape is still such a huge focus in my life.  My job is not all rainbows and sunshine but I can honestly say I work for a great company in an AWESOME group, we all get along and hearing other people talk I know I have it good.  So it's not an easy decision, and I feel like there are people just waiting on me while I'm in limbo and not committed fully to anything - which isn't fair to anybody.

Limbo itself seems to be hardest on me.  Husbandcake, for now, will support me in whatever I decide to do.  But it's tough for him to hide his preference to have me home, because he works from home most of the time and it's...tough for us to be apart every day.

A couple of you asked about what was making me want to do some grand gesture.  Maybe it's because I am only nine days from leaving my twenties behind me.  Maybe it's because the job limbo is one of a million things I feel like I am on the edge with.  I feel like it's time for me to have more substance.

I'm not saying that I'm shallow.  I'm not, I am actually surprisingly intellectual.  I say surprisingly because I don't really let that geeky philosophy loving girl out very often.  I am really self conscious about the way my brain works, and I feel like I don't make sense to a lot of people.  And even if I did, well...I don't think many people would find it fun to over analyze the things that intrigue me.  I can spend hours listening to a song and just reveling in the fact that the pieces fit together like a puzzle, and not a lot of my real life friends follow Disgrasian enough to go on and on about it like I can.

That's not really the point though.  The point is that I have all these thoughts, these serious thoughts about life, where I'm going, the state of the world, you name it, and at the end of the day I've been really happy to let them go at a moment's notice when I see a pretty handbag or the potential for a theme party.  And maybe I feel like it's time to find a different balance between being serious and being...frivilous.  It's tough though, because I really am comfortable being that distinctly frivilous person.  The mildly sarcastic, probably slightly drunk and easily distracted girly girl who is texting you RIGHT NOW because she saw a bunny with a mustache in a store window.

See, I got distracted from the serious thoughts again.  Not that I really knew where I was going with this in the first place.

I know serious me wants to do things like...make the world a better place, stop eating meat (I don't like feeling guilty about delicious things), be more in control of her OCD.  She thinks she wants to keep getting more into running.  She wants to finish losing this damn weight so she can get pregnant.  She wants to be calm and centered in her life.  And I want to help her.  Maybe I should just pick one thing and stick with it.

Maybe I just need more confidence.

I've been writing this post for about an hour now and I'm so frustrated - I wanted to delete the whole thing but I thought in the end I'll just share my frustration.  I wrote all that, I mean all of it and I have no conclusion.  No place to go, no real resolutions reached.  Rawr...what is this, a mid-life crisis at 29?!!!  I hate ending on such...dissonance.

Thanks for bearing with me so long though.  I've actually been working on a post for tomorrow that makes me almost feel like myself again - some really good news that I have been holding on to for a couple of days.  You'll be happy to read it.

For now...Husbandcake has some pretty bad allergies and we're having to miss a wonderful Superbowl party so I can take care of him.  So I should probably...do that :) hope you are all having a lovely Sunday!