Thursday, January 3, 2013

How did I get here?

I wouldn't say my weight loss journey has had its ups and downs.  I don't lose five pounds and gain three, lose ten and gain eleven.  One day, I stepped on to a scale and I saw a big 247 staring back at me.  It was a serious wakeup call.  From there, over the next three years I lost almost 70 pounds.  Some months I was right on course, some months I stayed the same but I didn't regain any substantial weight during that time.  This blog was such a help :) the people I met, they were so inspiring. Some of them have become real friends, which I'm so grateful for.

But at some point, I lost my way.  To say my life fell apart is kind of an understatement.  Yeah maybe I'm dramatic but everything I thought I knew about my life has changed, from what I thought I'd be doing with my days to where I'm sleeping at night.  I can't say that it's all been bad, because I've been working so hard to believe that everything that has happened will lead to bigger and better things for everyone involved.  But what I will say is it's been the most difficult year and a half I've been through.

And I think anyone who used to read my blog knows how I deal with intense unhappiness.  I eat things.  My two major food groups become white rice and gummy candy.  When I was alone or lonely, food was company.  Then when I finally reached out to my wonderful friends who I'd been neglecting, I found that being sad is like being pregnant - everyone wants to give you a hug and a cookie and you take it because you know it means they love you and you're grateful and it makes you feel good.  I was extra grateful for those friends because some people didn't forgive, and some people I couldn't forgive for abandoning me when I needed them most.  And when I mourned those friendships I did so with ooey gooey mac and cheese because it comforted me.

Which brings me to where I am now.  Reading over that to be honest I don't even feel that bad about the choices I made.  I wasn't mentally strong enough to watch what I ate, and I was so intensely trying to stay afloat that I couldn't make working out a priority.  You know what feels really good is that now I do feel strong enough.  I worked out today at lunch.  It wasn't anything big - 12 minutes on the AMT and 10 on the stair machine.  But it was a start, and I feel good today.

I feel like I'm at a good turning point.  I actually feel how I felt a few days after I saw that 247 looking at me - like I have the ability to take control of my life and get it under control.  Sure these days I am working on more than my weight - I'm working on organizing my home and becoming the person I want to be, but I've got this.

Also it feels good to have my workout shoes on again.  It's been too long :)


Karen Q said...

I love this post ... and I love you. After my mom died I was in much the same way with not really being able to watch what I was doing and then I was and things started falling into place. They didn't always stay exactly where I wanted them, but they weren't too far off ;) When you need a hug, I've got a bunch for you ... no cookies attached.

Tammy said...

Thanks for stopping by! I am so happy you are blogging again, I missed you. Best wishes for a great 2013, I know you can make your dreams a reality. Any Disney tutu runs planned for this year?

KyokoCake said...

Karen - you are just too sweet :) I'm glad that you were able to get back and find your way <3

Tammy - I wish! I'm hoping to do one of those color runs in July, so far that's it. Of course...I could always rock a tutu there ;)

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