Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Epiphanies and Other Journey-Related Things

I am way, way behind on your comments on my blog. It’s awful. I am behind on everything, I still can’t remember to check/use Twitter even though I really like it. Today is one of those days that all those tiny little things feel like they’re piling up on me. That’s right friends, I’m having an off day and I don’t like it!

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2601 calories
Consumed 1422 calories
Deficit of 1179 calories

Not bad. But my calories burned did remind me that when I’m losing weight, the time for coasting is extremely short lived. Right when you really feel comfortable relaxing into a groove, your workouts don’t burn as many calories and it’s time to change things up.

My burn on the lunchtime walks, which for weeks has hovered around 505-510, was down to 460 yesterday. Today it was at 484. I’ve been walking faster, getting better and I’m on my way to being fit. I’ve been repeating to myself all afternoon – this is GOOD. This is what I wanted! But there is a part of me (come on, there’s a part of you too) that just wishes I could relax in a routine, and easily lose the weight and be fit without putting in the effort. That part of me is whiny as all heck today.

I think it might be that I’m exhausted. I wonder if I’m getting sick, or if I’m having some kind of deficiency in my diet. I have a multivitamin but honestly I forget to take it more days than not. It could just be an off day, we all have them, we all get in bad moods but something about today is just making it hard to get through. All day I’ve been slow, thinking about sleep with a longing that is way too strong, and going through the motions without enough caring.

That’s enough whining for one post, don’t you think? Let’s move on to the things I SHOULD be focusing on today. I say it every day and I find new ways to say it but I am just changing so much! Changing too slowly (I am after all impatient) and at the same time too fast. I barely had time to adjust to almost-200 lbs me and now I’m under. And under for good – I mean even after a big meal I am still at 198 – time to make that spa appointment! But after the happy jumping around dance and then the excitement that my celebration probably burned a few more calories, I take a minute to look at myself and wonder what is happening to me.

You learn so much about yourself when you make a change. I’ve learned that I wasn’t ok with my weight. You might not find that to be an epiphany but it is for me. I always thought I was happy, I always had cute clothes and thought I looked just fine in them – and I just never really considered that I was one of those people who didn’t want to be fat. But you know, getting in the way of myself, always being the first to get tired or winded…being the slowest, seeing truly disgusting bulgey parts – I was not happy with my weight. It’s good to realize this now. Good because I can really FEEL myself feeling better about myself.

What else have I realized? I like appreciating things. I love it in fact. I love that going for a bike ride makes me appreciate lounging on the sofa. I like that I appreciate housework when I see how many calories it burns. I LOVE that eating only one cookie makes me savor every bite, every crumb and it really just tastes better.

I realized I don’t need sugary sweet everything. I don’t particularly like soda (although you’ll catch me drinking lemonade or limeade every chance I get) and the only ones I ever enjoyed were the sweetest. Cream soda, root beer, those old fashioned orange cream ones. But I don’t really enjoy them now when I do indulge. I will take a sip of Husbandcake’s soda, and then think about how I could not even finish an entire can.

The last thing…I didn’t realize it about myself. I realized it about everyone around me. As the people I know realized that I was trying to lose weight they have been overwhelmingly supportive and encouraging. People like Erin, or my coworker Elizabeth, who have TOTALLY inspired me along this journey are coming back and saying that I have inspired them too. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and happy. People mention when they can see I’ve lost weight, they mention when they see me walking faster or being more active, but best of all, is when they mention that I just look happier. It’s like the weight off my body is lifting the weight of stress around my head too. And it’s like I am finally understanding just how sweet and wonderful the people in my life are.

Oh! I really don’t feel whiny anymore!

I know that I have a lot of readers now and those of you who have made it this far in a long post I am wondering – what has been your favorite/most surprising epiphany along your journey so far?


Erica Marie said...

I recently just started my journey a few weeks ago, and i find myself still having many struggles and blah moments. But, i look forward to having those moments of epiphany's! So far, it's been pretty simple. I realize drinking more water makes me feel more energized & already in a short time span when i do usually indulge in a soda, i can't finish the whole thing. Congratulations to you!!

Erin said...

YAAAY!!! There is so much I want to say! But, overall, just congratulations to you for the changes you have made. Ugh...I can't find words! I'm going to stop typing now and will tell you this stuff in person tomorrow! :)

Andrea said...

Great post KC, I think for me - it is having control over my emotions and attitude. Its amazing how having control over what goes in your mouth and how you use your body affects this.

Ice Queen said...

My most surprising one is that I don't have to drug myself with food. That I can feel and it isn't going to kill me. It might be unpleasant, but I can handle it. And handle it quite well, actually. :D

Anonymous said...

That was a wonderful post. I think my epiphany was twofold; one, that I was able to find a physical activity that I not only love but that's becoming a big part of my life. Two, that I didn't have to starve, eat diet foods, that there was a whole world of whole foods that I could eat and lose weight. I always dreaded the idea of giving up good food and I didn't have to. :)

CJ said...

I started this at the beginning of this year, did ok for 4 months and then fell off track. I then realized that too much too sudden changes were the reasons that made me sabotage my own efforts. This time around I am taking it slowly one step at a time. I don't mind if I don't lose weight right now. But more importantly I want to live a healthy lifestyle.

You are doing so well! Keep going strong :)

Brigitte said...

I think my epiphany was that I really am an extrovert (well to some extent). I guess being a fat girl made me introverted and shy. I didn't particularly put myself out there or anywhere near the center of attention. "Is there a wall for me to hold up" was my mentality. I am much more outgoing and charismatic than ever before. I still don't love new people or situations but at least I will try them!!

So I guess I found me!!

Spaghetti Cat said...

I think we all have our off days, but you are right, think about how much we have accomplished! How far we have come and how much we have learned about ourselves! life is so amazing and so are we!

I think for myself as I transitioned away from being a super emotional food addict into someone who is just enjoying life, like I did when I was younger- I noticed how much of an affect it has on me, and how much food actually affected my life. When i am eating high protein (and generally low carb but either way feleing fullish), I am not sitting there constantly thinking about food.

Recently I went and visited some friends and one of them has a total food addiction. Everything was food related or food obsessed, it actually kind of hurt my feelings that she cared more about food than she did about visiting me (we hadnt seen each other in a while)... but then I remember, that used to be me.

I thought my self dialogue and addiction were pretty much invisible to others. Now I know they were not. Instead of constantly being concerned about what I am going to eat, i am thinking more about who do I want to hang out with today, or what is something fun me and the husband could do-and of course other more serious issues.

On the same note, I now totally see everytime I have a bad day- for example? yesterday I totalled my brand new apple computer. poured an entire bottle of water all over it on accident. My first thought was- what can i shove in my mouth. My second thought was- oh crap where is a towel... how can I fix this, dry it etc.
Now that computer is totally gone, I am back to using my old one without much data gone... but how thankful am I- that I didn't self medicate the issue with food. I would have just been miserable about eating too much in addition to a broken computer.
Instead I am thankful I have my older computer and it works fairly well and that from now on I am getting bottled water or water bottles!

Take Care Kyo!

Anonymous said...

Congratulations on your under 200 milestone. I'm hoping to get there, sooner rather than later :).

I think my biggest epiphany so far is that I actually crave a good hard work out. Before all I would crave was pizza and french fries. Now I really think about how hard I have to work to make all those useless calories go away and I want to get out there and ride / run / walk whatever.

thanks for being inspiring!

Anonymous said...

So far my milestone has been just the determination to stop eating when I am full. To not go into the kitchen unless I am cooking. And the fact that my clothes fit again. Now, to just get them to be big on me.

KyokoCake said...

@Erica Marie - I realized the same thing about water, at first I had to really work at training myself to drink it and now I almost crave it!

@Andrea - I love how awesome eating well makes me feel too!!

@Ice Queen - I was surprised at realizing that the food is usually what made whatever happened feel even worse...when I was mistakenly thinking it was the only thing making me feel better.

@eatthedamncupcake - I feel like I eat more delicious foods now than
I ever did when I was sitting around gaining all this weight...weird how that works!

@CJ - ME TOO! I am much more concerned with living a life that I'm able to keep up with than losing the weight, but I won't lie, losing still is the thing that makes me happiest!

@Brigitte - If you could see my face, shock! I never thought of you as shy :) but it's awesome to feel more extroverted...I hope I can get to that point!!!

@Spaghetti Cat - Isn't it weird how as soon as we realize our own problems with food we tend to see other peoples' so clearly? It is frustrating too that people don't want you to change, that so many bonds are created over food. Sorry to hear about your laptop but so happy to hear you are not too crazy stressed over it!!

@Suzanne - Awww I'm not there yet, I want to be! I know I feel good after a workout but for the most part I have to plan it out and MAKE myself do it.

@Crystal - they will be SO SOON!!!

Midori Mighty Warrior said...

Your post is in an inspiration Koyoko! You're doing so well and are learning so much! I've said it once before and I'm sure I'll say it again, but I can't wait to get out of the 200s!

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