Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I'm Back!

I’ve been a bad blogger. I’ve neglected my wonderful readers who I care about so much! It’s just that I’ve been really down and negative and I hate being that way – I hate everything about it. I hate people knowing how down I get, and I hate people seeing my inability to snap out of it. I hate the ups and downs of it, that I can feel so happy doing something and the second it’s over I’m super mopey again. I hate that I feel like I’m always whining to you guys and it’s no different than begging for sympathy or fishing for compliments.


I know that’s silly, I know you guys are all really sweet and understanding people. It's just tough for me to be that person who spreads her negativity. To put those thoughts out in the world…well I can’t imagine how it could do anything but infect other people, which is the last thing I would want. It’s because in the past, I’ve handled unhappiness so poorly and run the extremes between hiding it and dumping it on anyone who is unfortunate to be near me. In addition to my OCD related paranoia (I did manage to hide my OCD from friends, family and even my husband for 10+ years of my life) I have had problems with depression for years and years. I went through a time (middle school through college, so almost half my life) where I couldn’t deal with my problems or my depression properly, including a time in high school where it came to a point that I tried to harm myself. After that it was various medications with various side effects and throughout all of it I acted in a way that made everything worse for myself and those around me.

All I thought I wanted that whole time was sympathy and understanding. Now I realize that I wanted people to give, give, give to me emotionally even though I had nothing to spare for them. And I’d get annoyed or even angry at people who I thought weren’t taking my feelings into account even though they had no idea what I was going through, yet I didn’t ever bother to care about their feelings and problems. Of course, everyone’s problems are going to be more important to them than other people – maybe with the exception of a few very rare relationships or a marriage. I just didn’t realize that there was a world outside the pit of despair that was my own head. Now of course I understand that it’s not realistic for even the best of people to carry on a friendship with someone who takes and expects so much but can’t give you anything – so of course a bunch of teenage girls could never handle the stress of that and so many friendships ended in so many horrible ways and hurt feelings. It was so horrifyingly painful to learn this lesson that even just writing it out brings tears to my eyes. And that’s the reason that I don’t ever want to go down a road where I ask people for things again, because I don’t want to get any closer to that person I used to be.

I do have serious but non-mopey things to write about. How feeling successful in my weight loss threw me into such a dark and confusing place, how I’m dealing with it now and doing better, and how climbing out has even been hard as completely unrelated stress is weighing me down – but I AM getting out of it. It’s taken me days as it’s emotional to write but I think so relevant to all of us that are trying to lose a lot of weight, and I am hoping it’s ready for you to read tomorrow. I started writing this whole blog post about the things that have gone on in the past two weeks, from my fight with Husbandcake through last night, but I just don’t want to relive it. We will just say it’s been a rough time for awhile and I’m very, very grateful that Husbandcake gets home tonight!

But it’s also been a reminder of the love in my life and the great people I am surrounded with. I credit those people with so much of what makes me like myself. They inspire me to be better every day. They offer to come by and eat carrot sticks with me at my house when I’m not eating out and I’m tired. They think through my problems and give me this amazing feedback and the insight of someone who isn’t in the thick of things. They get out of bed way before they need to and come to my house to fix my plumbing when I can’t reach an emergency plumber, and some of them are nice enough to go out and buy parts, fix my shower while I’m at work, and then invite me for dinner so I don’t have to eat alone. They send me emails even though they don’t know me in person, even though we’ve never had a conversation before, they want me to know they will be there for me. My alienating so many people in past parts of my life has taught me that not everyone has that and it makes life so much better. That’s probably why I talk about it just so much, because just saying it once doesn’t really express how much joy the people in my life bring me.

I didn’t put my calories for yesterday, because for my dinner I mixed some of my low calorie soup with the significantly higher calorie version I made for Husbandcake and I have no clue how many calories it was! But rest assured I have done well. The one exception being the mini binge of strawberry liquorice from Trader Joe’s, of which I had about 150 calories’ worth by the end of the day. But it’s okay, I could have done oh so much worse!

Anyway if you made it through all of that I want to thank you so much. I really love sharing with you guys when I am at a place where I feel like I have things in perspective.  Just like all of you have been so sweet and giving to me, I wish I was always able to send you nothing but positivity and happiness!

10 comments:

Leah said...

Good for you for not running away entirely from the blog world. I know things seem crummy right now but eventually that will lift.

I hope you see more and more of the silver lining! Thanks for sharing with us all.

Hope said...

Hey women! I am so proud of all you have accomplished. Even though you are feeling down, I respect your thought process. You deserve a hot bath and a hug. =)

Suzanne said...

Hey! Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone! We all have days where we just get mopey, down and in a dark place (well I know I do for sure!). This is the first place you should come and get it all out. We're all here for you (and each other!) It's good that you can face it and start to move forward. Keep up all the hard work you've been doing. We're all so proud of you for the things you've accomplished! As my mum says "this too shall pass!"

Fat Girl vs. World said...

It's okay to lean into us when you need some help. As a collective, we're strong enough to support you when you need supporting. And you'll be part of supporting someone else once you're out of the funk.

Crystal said...

I'm so glad you're back. I missed reading your posts. I was hoping nothing was wrong. I now see you were/are working through some things. I think you are very strong to write about them. I find writing about all of the pwoerful emotions help, but it takes a lot to share them with everyone. Good for you, and you're not alone.

Brigitte said...

I am so proud of you! You have made wonderful changes and great strides in all areas of your life. I hope having hubby home is helping heal this bummer time. So glad your are back. We all have pitfalls and I am so glad you were willing to share yours! I love ya! Now kick some booty, girlfriend!

Sarah said...

As someone who has been depressed before and is currently climbing back out, I understand. This is so hard.

Sunshinemeg said...

Just stumbled upon your blog today and love it! Love this post. New follower and just wanted to say hi = ) Happy Sunday!

Alexia said...

hey! i just found you. thank you for your honesty. i look forward to learning more about you!

KyokoCake said...

Thank you guys for all your support. As for sharing and leaning on this community...I am trying. You all are always supportive and that's what really drew me to blogging in the first place. I know there's a balance between sharing with people and just whining and dumping your troubles on them. And I know I'm getting closer to finding it...I will be there soon!

 
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