Sweetness, I like your style

You guys...I am boring.  Didn't I write really interesting blog posts at one point?  Where is my inspiration and enthusiasm for weight loss.

I was trying to write today and tell you all about how much I love my new dessert goodness that I've been eating but it turned into an obscene love letter to candy.

Here goes the abridged version:

I love candy and having it around the week after Halloween is so difficult!!!  So lately I've come up with this awesome solution...baking chips.  If I'm craving a candy bar I'll eat a chocolate chip, and instead of an 80 calorie bite size Butterfinger I've only had a 2.3 calorie little bit of sweetness.

I know it doesn't sound nearly as appealing, but five minutes afterward I feel really fantastic about me and I still got that mini chocolate fix I was looking for.  And when I'm not craving chocolate?  Well...they have them in all flavors. Vanilla, cappuccino, butterscotch, peanut butter, mint, everything.  That's my little tip.  They're almost all between 2 and 3 calories, though I believe the peanut butter ones are a bit more.  And really I end up going through maybe 8 or so a day, which is only 20 calories.

Yeah, I am still counting calories.  It's what works for me.

I need to find my voice again.  I'm a little lost with what to say.  I hope you all have gorgeous and wonderful days <3

Sandwiches On My Mind

I'm eating a sandwich right now and it's not particularly healthy.

And yes, that was the first sentence of my return to blogging.

I mostly menu planned for this entire week but purposefully let myself have a carb filled tomato and cheese sandwich today so I could get that particular craving out of my head.  I've been off track for awhile and it's time to get back on.  There's been a lot going on in my life.  Not ready to share.  It's all too serious and too upsetting at the moment.  My future feels uncertain like for the first time I don't have a clear focus about where I'm going next.  It's really unnerving.

You guys know how it is, we have all been there, weight loss has its ups and downs and really none of us are immune.  So I'm gonna head back on an up now, I've got a weight goal to reach by January 17 and I'll get there!  It's 78 days away, and when I get closer maybe I'll share with you all my weight and weight goal but for now I've turned randomly shy about it, sorry :P

So I've been out of control. Not denying myself much lately, which has led to fried rice and massive amounts of candy, especially with Halloween goodies everywhere you turn. I've also had perhaps more than my share of a box of British sweets sent to me by a good friend.  Silly Kyoko...must stop acting like you can eat anything and not gain weight.  I've got that um...icky issue where I haven't really put on much weight at all (two pounds max) but it seems like it's all visible in my face.  I've got the chipmunk cheek look going on and it is just not something I want to see when I look in the mirror!

I feel really excited about starting to lose weight again.  I've been walking a bit more, gonna start running again soon too.  Food wise, I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I need to eat well. No more vegetarian dinners of cheesy melty carby goodness, because that just makes me feel lazy and sleepy.  There are a lot of delicious and low calorie vegetarian options out there, and now I'm going to find the best of them :)

Anyway that's all I've got to say for now, thanks for all of you amazing and gorgeous people who have been checking in on me.  Feel free to fb or tweet me telling me to post more, and hopefully I can get back into the swing of things!!

I Am Complete Is What I'm Saying

This blog post has been months in the making. I have written and unwritten it several times, and I just find that I am trying to describe something that is indescribable.  I know it's cryptic, and I'm sorry!  I'll do my best to put my thoughts out there coherently for you.

I mentioned to you lovely readers forever ago that I was going to go through a program that I thought would help with my OCD.  What I did in March was go to a 10 day vipassana meditation course.  To read up on what it is all about you can go to http://www.dhamma.org/ - but the basic premise is that it helps you to simplify things to the most basic level there is.

I may at some point if there are enough people who want to know, go into greater detail about the course.  If you have questions - I would be more than happy to answer any and all of them - just ask in comments or email/tweet at me!  For now I'll just say it's spent in noble silence, you don't talk to any of the other people there (exceptions were made for emergencies and the like).  You're really stuck in your head, meditating about 12 hours a day and the rest of the time stuck in very confined spaces.  For someone who is mentally ill - especially someone who is obsessive - this was so, so difficult.

All that paired with a lack of physical contact and I was beyond miserable.  I probably hadn't gone two days without a hug from someone or other since I was 16.  On day 4 or 5 I dreamt about a hug. From a person I only kinda knew at that point (though we are closer now, and I've found him to be the type of person who really would have been that nice).  A really simple and sweet dream, but I swear it mentally saved me.  I woke up and cried with relief, from this subconscious gesture of caring that I gave myself.  My point is that this course was at times the hardest, worst thing I've ever done and I was a total wreck for a lot of it.

As the days went by though, everything we did was evolving.  You learn the technique in such baby steps and you don't even realize how much progress you're making.  It's an amazing feeling on the last day, this sense of accomplishment when you realize you've achieved the level of meditation that the teacher has been talking about.  It's unbelievable, that so much suffering just vanishes as you reach the destination you were working towards.  Incredibly it's like you're able to physically brush off the cravings and aversions that are plaguing you.

I've now made it past the two month mark, and I can happily say that this meditation is a part of my life.  I meditate for an hour every morning and one every evening.  All right, sometimes I skip, if I've been out drinking I don't really think it's very helpful to be meditating ;) but for the most part I've really kept with it.  I understand now that it's not as magically healing as it was when it was my entire world for 10 days. Some days I walk away from my meditation spot still confused, still unsure.  But most days I feel peaceful and all right with the way things are for me. (More on that another day)

Other random updates, at the course we were given vegetarian meals.  They were beyond delicious, and I'm happy to say that since the course I have not eaten meat.  I've had fish, I'm trying not to eat fish but I've made the decision not to beat myself up if I have.  It's in my blood to love fish so I'm ok with it.  And I'm happy with my choice to give up meat, it feels like the most right thing I've done in a long time.

I'll end with a quick weight loss update.  I've been up and down.  I'm going down now.  I don't want to post the number because I'm unhappy about it.  I'll get over it - and I'll get back to posting about it.  But lately I just...I see the weight in my face and it makes me so unhappy.  I know that 2 or 3 pounds from now I'll be happy again and I'll see my face become more slim again, we'll see.  I've been running off and on but I need some momentum to get my butt going again.

What a sucky note to end on.  Ok here's some happy news - next week I'm going to Atlantic City to see the best band ever (Weezer...you've probably picked up on that).  And going with two wonderful gorgeous ladies who I adore, and I can't help but be so very very excited. Can. Not. Wait.

I hope you guys have all been doing awesomely. And haven't abandoned me like I did you!! I'm SORRY!!! I'll catch up with you wonderful people before you know it :) have wonderful days my loves.

Jump out, jump out, get your groove on

Lovely people who I adore: I have been doing really well in the past week.  I know, right?  After my last post...you'd think I'd be all jumping up and down to let you know that I'm happy.  And I AM, I just haven't had much time.

Yesterday was an odd Saturday.  I had to go in to the office this morning.  I just had a lot of stuff to get done and a giant wave of responsibility that came over me, forcing me to act like a grownup.  Afterwards, I came home to take care of HusbandCake who is sick.  He's been achey since Friday with a sore throat.  Don't get me wrong, I really do love taking care of my husband.  It's one of those things that just makes me feel happy...or...girly?  Wifely?  Whatever it is, I do enjoy caretaking.  At the same time, I am terrified of getting sick.  So he's been getting a lot of tea and soup and blankets and...space.

Haha.

Seriously though, taking care of a sick person has been making my mind wander, and I got to thinking about this blog, about my weight loss, about everything I set out to do when I started this blog.  I have been thinking about taking care of MYSELF.  Longtime readers have probably picked up on the fact that I go through serious phases and lax phases.  Some weeks the only thing I have to be proud of is that I haven't done too much gaining of weight.

I think that taking care of myself is going to have to change going forward.  I am so excited about all of the mental and emotional taking care of myself that I've done lately and that I'll continue to work on intensely over the next couple of weeks.  Now I need to go forward and take better care of myself physically.  No more starts and stops, I need a sustainable lifestyle.

I know I'm not giving up meat for health reasons (although without a doubt my most unhealthy temptations tend to be meat dishes) but I've been doing really well without red meat.  I've had a couple of slip ups, but they were one-bite slip ups and I am not really beating myself up over them.  I'm ready now, to move on to other meat.  I'm hoping this goes easily for me - over the next couple of weeks I won't be around the temptation of meat sitting there mocking me deliciously.

Really though, I've been going through phases of running every day for a week and then not exercising for a week.  It's bad - I need a regular schedule.  I have started using my weekly calendar to plan out not just food but exercise as well.  I am going to force myself to take days off and not burn out.  Forcing myself to have treats, so that I am not tempted to go overboard.  Sustainable!

I so set out to blog about weight loss.  I guess I am writing about my process.  And I'm excited about it - now off for some healthy breakfast!!

Ooh-la-la, She's Trippin'...La-dee-dah, Mental Slippin'

My theme song for the day:


I once saw an interview with this singer, where he said something about how he tries to be straightforward and honest but everyone just ends up thinking he's being ironic and confusing.  It's a weird thing to not have people understand you when you're saying things the best way you know how.  I feel like I had this moment yesterday where I was doing everything I could to be, I guess vulnerable and open...but all anyone else heard was demanding.  It is kind of a lonely feeling to feel misunderstood, no that's not the right sentiment.  I think it's lonely to feel like you're not on the same page as other people, especially if it's probably your fault.

I have been up all night, which isn't helpful the night before a big party.  I finally decided to get up and put some words down, really try to work things out.  And who knows if I'll end up posting this and in what form but I've always been really open with you guys.

I know you guys see this little part of me, and most of the time it's a really great part - when I'm happy I want to write and share it with you guys, share it with the world.  When I'm not doing well it's not so simple.  I think it's a pretty normal reaction to not want to share or spread the awful, negative feelings we all feel from time to time.  Maybe that skewed view is what makes people not understand me, or maybe it makes you all think I'm a different person than I really am.

I've been forced to really consider a lot about the things I do and how they affect people.  Specifically, how my most recent episode with OCD has affected people around me.  Something like that is difficult because in the moment, when I have zero perspective, when my head is all consumed with the obsessive thoughts - I can't snap out of it.  It sounds so easy to say that I should see things how they are but that's not how the disease works.  And while I am glad that I am out of it now after a couple weeks of slowly climbing out, it's really depressing to reflect on the effect my checking out had.  It would be so nice to just snap back into life but that's not how LIFE works.  All we can hope for when it comes to other people is that if we try our hardest to be good to them, that they will do the same for us.

I had a very emotional and really...serious talk with a couple of friends last night.  One of them said something last night that really stuck out in my mind - actually it was the thing that kept me up last night.  She was talking about...not having seen her in her darkest hour (yet).  It spoke a lot to me.  These past few weeks have not been my darkest hour, that "honor" will hopefully forever be stuck far, far in the past.  But they surely have been the worst times of my adult life, at least when it comes to the unhappiness lurking in my head.  And now they have seen me like that.  And it has been hurtful to them.  I have had these pockets of escape, my weight victory, my vacation in Tahoe and my new online friends - and those things have been validly AMAZING, but I just have taken and taken from my "normal" life to give to them.  It has to stop - this is a balance that needs to be restored.  Because those things shouldn't be an escape.  They should be a part of my regular life, things that don't detract from regular life (work, friends, everything) but that ADD to it.

It's strange too because in the midst of all this one of my new friends went through something similar...feeling like new friendships or new fun things to bond over are threatening in some way to old friends.  At least I think that's what it was about.  It turns out that's what it was about for me anyway - that I didn't even see how much I was neglecting the things that made my life so wonderful before this stress attack.

And that's where I am now.  Figuring out how to recover from this whole episode.  Trying to take these awesome new things in my life out of the "escape" category and merging them with the awesome things that were already there.  Acknowledging that some things in life take work - and those things are so, so often the most rewarding and the most amazing.  Anyway, I love you guys.  Readers and friends alike.

I feel better.  I'm glad I got all that out.  I am hopeful.  I am really, really excited about my party tonight.  My friends Amanda and Erin have outdone themselves, it is going to be amazing and something I could not be more grateful for.  I hope you are going to be there too :)





as a little post script I want to acknowledge that today is the Day of Remembrance.  It is the anniversary of Executive Order 9066, which led to Japanese Americans being taken from their homes and put in camps during World War 2 (http://dayofremembrance.org/).  In addition to all of the other crazy emotional stuff going on today, I am really missing my Jichan.  He and my Bachan (my grandparents) were in the camps, and it wasn't something that was really talked about but I hope they know that I am thinking of them today and missing them, wishing they were both still here.

Keep On, Keep On, Keep On, Yeah

I realized today how awesome I am.  I know you all already know, because I remind you on a very regular basis lest you forget that I am the awesomest, but today it came to me epiphany-style and it was great.

I had a pretty bad panic attack this morning.  I was just feeling so overwhelmed with things that were awesome, awful, stressful, and scary (in the sense that the unknown is scary).  I don't even want to get into it though because those thoughts are gone and I don't miss them.

I was thinking this morning, as I have been for several days now, that I have really changed as a person since I started this blog, since I lost the weight, since I wanted to be healthier.  I am so proud of myself, and so grateful for all of your support.

So now that I've kicked my most recent goal's ass, am not obese, and am a runner, what is my next goal?  Well friends I'll tell you.  I want to be not overweight.  Yep, another 30 pounds need to go out the freaking door.  And I figure even though not being overweight would be 149 for me, I'm going for 147.5.  Why?  Long time readers might know that that will be a HUGE MILESTONE of 100 pounds lost since my heaviest weight.  And I'm gonna get there.

I set a tentative goal date of July 23.  My 6th wedding anniversary.  We'll see how I'm doing a month or two in and if I need to change anything up, but I think I can accomplish this NO PROBLEM.  Especially with my half marathon training, which is on hold during this gross weather.  I am so excited.

I feel like the end is in sight.  I know it's not really, I know I have a lifetime of watching what I eat, of maintaining and staying fit.  But when I'm on, I am ON and I know I can eat well, exercise and get my weight down even more.

I also feel this insane hope about my OCD.  I know I've talked about it so much lately, and I know if you don't suffer from it it's really difficult to understand, but know that I'm sick of talking about it/thinking about it/living with it/being obsessed with...being obsessed.  However, I have been...accepted to a program that I think is REALLY going to help me out.  I don't want to talk about it much until I've gone through it (it will be over mid-March)...no sense in painting a picture of something I haven't seen yet.  But I am hopeful, and happy, and I can't wait to move past this most recent obsessive crazy-time.

The feeling of the day is awesome hope for the future.  What's making you excited about your own future today??  Let's keep all this happiness going...

You Make The Rainclouds Disappear

Hi lovelies.  I haven't posted in awhile have I?  Over a week, I believe.  As usual, I was just too too too busy!!  I had a woooooonnnnnnnnderful weekend in Tahoe with some really fabulous people, and then of course spent the past two days really spending some quality time with Husbandcake and getting my relaxing on.

Yesterday was my birthday.  I'm 30!!  I'm not one of those people opposed to aging.  My life has gotten better every single year I've lived it (ok let's say, since I turned 18 at least).  It's continuing to get better.

I entered my 30s not obese.  My scale told me yesterday that I was at 178.1 (that's after a weekend of some serious drinking and eating of delicious foods).  I cried a little bit...not being obese still means a lot to me, gets me very emotional.  Last February I never realized how serious I could be about losing weight and being healthy.  The dress I wore to my 29th birthday party was a 3x.  The shirt I wore yesterday was a size large.  I feel different.  I had a little mini cake roll from the Asian market instead of a full on cake.  Don't get me wrong, I loved it like a fat kid loves cake, but I never envisioned a day I wouldn't have a good sized cake that me and Husbandcake would pick our way through for a whole week.

Look at these BEAUTIFUL LADIES!!  (and look at my lack of chipmunk cheeks, that's pretty awesome too!)

I entered my 30s a runner.  A runner!  I was on vacation in Tahoe over the weekend...and I ran.  In the snow, all bundled up.  It felt so good.  My whole life I thought I hated nothing more than running.  I played soccer for 12 years growing up, and I mean...if they made a sport like soccer where you could kick the ball around without moving I think I would have liked it a lot more.  Now I crave it.  It took what, a month??  And I crave running?  Love, love, love it.

See that Erin and Amanda?  Yeah I rocked the monster hat.  Monster hat, giant scarf, too stylish for words.

I entered my 30s wearing pants.  Yeah, I know that sounds crazy but after years of not wearing them I feel great.  That extra 70 pounds looks great now that it's gone from my body.  I lost my chipmunk face.  I would say I look great in my jeans but to be honest with you...they're feeling a little big on me ;)  Husbandcake and I were at a friend's house briefly yesterday and he said when he came and stood next to me, putting his arm around me he couldn't believe how different it was.  To go in a year and a half from barely being able to give me a big hug, to being able to hold me like that meant so much to him.  And it means SO MUCH to me.

I entered my 30s in control.  Well, almost in control.  I'm still having some trouble with the OCD stuff.  Still a little obsessive, but it's nowhere near where it was a couple of weeks ago.  No depression, everything has been happy.  There's been pockets of stress here and there but nothing I can't handle!  I feel so much more in control of my own thoughts and it makes me happy.
I entered my 30s feeling beloved. I know quite a few of you are my facebook friends and my new Twitter friends and I was so overwhelmed by the number of people wishing me a happy birthday (although sorry all of you, because my favorite birthday wish came today, courtesy of the singer of my theme song - speaking of which, I've been listening to it every morning to remind me that I can kick ass every. single. day.) I actually was brought to tears twice yesterday just from feeling surrounded by the most wonderful people anyone has ever had in their lives, online and in person.

I swear, Twitter makes me feel like it's ok to be a crazed superfan.

I love each and every one of you reading this.  I'm feeling sappy today.  I wish you all lived close to me and we could just hang out in one big fabulous group of amazing people.

I doubt I'll be back posting until after the masquerade ball on Saturday (do you live near me?? Are you coming to the ball??), I think I'm about to become the busiest person ever.  But I will be back, I do miss blogging, I do love all of you and I think about you and wonder how you're doing and want to read your blogs again, but it's just so tough.  I'm gonna have to...cut down my list of like 400 blogs I read or something!

All right loves.  I hope you are all having beautiful wonderful healthy times!!  If you really, really love me...post a comment telling me how you've been, because I really, truly want to know.  I miss you guys when I am only posting sporadically and not reading blogs.  I miss you a tonnnnnnn :) have a fabulous day!!

If you wanna start something, know one thing: I'm king.

I have had this theme song this week - it's this mildly obscure song by Weezer called King (by obscure I mean, I am not 100% on this but I think it was a bonus b-side to one of their deluxe albums and is sung by the bass player).  Anyway the feel of the song is this really mellow confidence, the song itself feels laid back but the guy is pretty much talking about how he is no doubt in charge and don't mess with him.  It's definitely not your typical get pumped up song, not at all.



But it's been my theme song because I feel like I am on top of the world.  I heard it Monday morning and it just nailed how I need to be feeling right now and I made this conscious choice to let it set the tone for my day.  I felt like I was singing it straight to my stress, straight to all the things that have been getting me down.  And since then I've been riding a high from my weight loss, my running, everything.  There is no feeling so wonderful as climbing back out of that pit of OCD despair.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still feeling very obsessive, but I've also been really happy.  I feel like I am turning things around, I can do anything...Isn't it amazing the difference only two days can make??

Yesterday was one of the best days I've had in a long time.  I went running at lunch, Week 3 Day 2 of c25k is, I believe, run a minute and a half, walk a minute and a half, run three minutes, walk three minutes - and then repeat.  My last run, I must not have heard the beep telling me to stop and I ran for over four minutes.  That...is HUGE.  I was complaining to a friend last week that I hated the jump from one minute to one and a half.  And now I'm running around for four minutes without collapsing?  What a freaking feeling!

I feel like it was some kind of crazy sign that I was right to really make the effort to attack my stress.  It didn't hurt that the thing that made me look down at my phone and see that I had run too long was the very guy that sings that song tweeting at me that I made his day (from telling him that the song made my day).  Which made MY day.  AGAIN.

Anyway, I guess I just want to really appreciate and enjoy this inspiration, motivation, happiness.  My life is great.  I've accomplished every single thing I really, truly wanted to do by the time I was 30.  Married Husbandcake, which I wanted to do from the day I met him.  Bought a house and made it into a home, have wonderful pets and an amazing group of friends, life does not get better.  And the best part is that there IS still room for improvement.  I am going to phase meat out of my life, I am going to take better measures to manage my stress, these are all goals that I can accomplish, that I will accomplish.  Because I can do anything...I'm king.

So I'm looking to you all for just a little more inspiration.  Tell me what your theme songs are.  What gets you pumped up, excited, just plain happy?  What makes you run a little faster or put that extra effort in?

Oh hi

You don't know it but my little oh hi, yeah that little greeting up there, comes to you from a different KyokoCake.  A KyokoCake that is...not obese.  A KyokoCake that will enter her thirties being not obese, being in the best shape of her life (ok since high school anyway).

That's right.  With a freaking week to spare, I am calling it!!  It's been four days that I've been under 180 both in the morning and at night.  That includes a martini party, fried rice, you name it, I had an awesome weekend and kept it around 178.  This morning?  177.7 - OH MY does that feel good.  It just occurred to me I should have taken a picture.  But I have been too excited, every morning I get off the scale and dance around a bit.

In fact, if I could do it, I would hack all of your computers so that when you open the blog post, your screen shoots out confetti and you can hear me all giggly with delight.

*now for a quick disclaimer.  I know there are a lot of people out there who think BMI is a horrible indication of fitness and health.  I kind of agree, it takes into account zero variables, and really fit people are often miscategorized because muscle weighs a lot.  But in this case, just knowing that there's a number out there and now I'm on the side of it I want to be on...it makes me feel great.

Time to set a new goal!!  What should it be, what should it be?  I can't even think of it right now.  I can't even think about my OCD right now, I can't think about anything but how far I have come.  About forty pounds since I started this blog, and I think a little over SEVENTY POUNDS from my heaviest.  What a freaking day.

I can hardly concentrate on anything this morning.  I've been waiting, kinda expecting the scale to go up and down all weekend, and it didn't.  I could honestly go on and on.

But instead, I'm going to go get my work done, revel and be happy, think about my new goals and wish all of you so much luck on the way to yours.  Because damn it feels SO GOOD to achieve one :)

It's Time I Got Back to the Good Life

All right.  It's been awhile again and again all I can really explain is that I've been in the pit of OCD...and there's no internet there.  Haha...no, the past few days I've kinda been into Twitter (@KyokoCake) because my attention span for things outside the realm of my obsession is closer to 30 seconds than 30 minutes, and believe me when I say I can't write a blog post in 30 seconds!!

I'm climbing out of the pit.  I'm still in it.  Just slowly trying to...I guess logic my way up to the top.  I have nothing in my life that should make me less than ecstatic.  I really mean that.  I know you long time readers know that I think I am AWESOME, and I do...I really do.  Being obsessive can be a sad and ungrateful feeling, and it's tough on the people around me.  I have these friends...and my husband, and my family.  They remind me of all the wonderful things I have and it's hard to be aware of how great things are and to still not just snap out of it.

So I've gotten quite a few emails, texts and everything else after my last post.  And by quite a few I mean, I have not had the time to even reply to everyone.  I've cried more than once.  I...can't express how much it means to me to know how much people who read this blog care about me.  The right words don't even exist.

I had the weirdest thought this morning.  I have been thinking about all of my anxiety lately and I gave myself a bit of a break.  Honestly people, there is a LOT going on with me.  Not necessarily bad.  Mostly good.

I have been talking for so, so long about a career change.  Husbandcake wants me to be home, my work hours are stressful and so is the commute.  But there is a type of stability in having a real job, there is a comfort in working for a fitness company while losing weight and being in shape is still such a huge focus in my life.  My job is not all rainbows and sunshine but I can honestly say I work for a great company in an AWESOME group, we all get along and hearing other people talk I know I have it good.  So it's not an easy decision, and I feel like there are people just waiting on me while I'm in limbo and not committed fully to anything - which isn't fair to anybody.

Limbo itself seems to be hardest on me.  Husbandcake, for now, will support me in whatever I decide to do.  But it's tough for him to hide his preference to have me home, because he works from home most of the time and it's...tough for us to be apart every day.

A couple of you asked about what was making me want to do some grand gesture.  Maybe it's because I am only nine days from leaving my twenties behind me.  Maybe it's because the job limbo is one of a million things I feel like I am on the edge with.  I feel like it's time for me to have more substance.

I'm not saying that I'm shallow.  I'm not, I am actually surprisingly intellectual.  I say surprisingly because I don't really let that geeky philosophy loving girl out very often.  I am really self conscious about the way my brain works, and I feel like I don't make sense to a lot of people.  And even if I did, well...I don't think many people would find it fun to over analyze the things that intrigue me.  I can spend hours listening to a song and just reveling in the fact that the pieces fit together like a puzzle, and not a lot of my real life friends follow Disgrasian enough to go on and on about it like I can.

That's not really the point though.  The point is that I have all these thoughts, these serious thoughts about life, where I'm going, the state of the world, you name it, and at the end of the day I've been really happy to let them go at a moment's notice when I see a pretty handbag or the potential for a theme party.  And maybe I feel like it's time to find a different balance between being serious and being...frivilous.  It's tough though, because I really am comfortable being that distinctly frivilous person.  The mildly sarcastic, probably slightly drunk and easily distracted girly girl who is texting you RIGHT NOW because she saw a bunny with a mustache in a store window.

See, I got distracted from the serious thoughts again.  Not that I really knew where I was going with this in the first place.

I know serious me wants to do things like...make the world a better place, stop eating meat (I don't like feeling guilty about delicious things), be more in control of her OCD.  She thinks she wants to keep getting more into running.  She wants to finish losing this damn weight so she can get pregnant.  She wants to be calm and centered in her life.  And I want to help her.  Maybe I should just pick one thing and stick with it.

Maybe I just need more confidence.

I've been writing this post for about an hour now and I'm so frustrated - I wanted to delete the whole thing but I thought in the end I'll just share my frustration.  I wrote all that, I mean all of it and I have no conclusion.  No place to go, no real resolutions reached.  Rawr...what is this, a mid-life crisis at 29?!!!  I hate ending on such...dissonance.

Thanks for bearing with me so long though.  I've actually been working on a post for tomorrow that makes me almost feel like myself again - some really good news that I have been holding on to for a couple of days.  You'll be happy to read it.

For now...Husbandcake has some pretty bad allergies and we're having to miss a wonderful Superbowl party so I can take care of him.  So I should probably...do that :) hope you are all having a lovely Sunday!

Why am I so obviously insane...

I’m not dead…I swear it. I feel kiiiinda like a zombie though. Please know that I haven’t forgotten you and I haven’t left the blogging world again, I just find it hard to find a spare few minutes to write thoughts down at all. Which is sad.


Quick blog related update: um, I’m at 181.3 as of this morning Yep, lowest weight since…who even knows when (like I really had a scale those 5-6 years I was steadily gaining a hundred pounds). The scale numbers are steadily if not quickly going down and the running is improving ever so slightly. I’ve been insisting to everyone in my life that I have NOT been losing weight lately and now I have to stop doing that because it's not true anymore!! I’m totally confident about my birthday weight goal too which is great! To be honest the weight loss is the only part of my life that I really feel like is going well right now. I know that’s not really true…but I think maybe I’m just lacking perspective.

I have been having a really rough time. I kind of have two jobs, most of you know one of my jobs is working in property management for a fitness company…well in a past life I was an editor of sorts and that job is complicated at best. I still do work from time to time for this publishing company. Maybe 90% of the time the whole company is just my dad, by himself, taking orders and all that, he doesn’t put out new material anymore really and it’s just kind of plugging along. But when things get complicated, like this giant project we’ve had lately, I have to help out.

So between work-work being really complicated, editing-work being extremely time consuming, birthday party planning being crazy and about ten other things I’m lost. I’ve retreated into my OCD in a really bad way. I’ve found a new obsession, and I spend all of my time thinking about it, reading about it, and just…in general being obsessed.

There’s something so unnerving about knowing that you’re crazy. In some ways it’s terrifying and in some ways it’s calming. I know what needs to be done – I need to stop fixating on something so frivolous. But in the moment…when I feel panicked it’s so comforting to retreat into my own little world. It’s just a weird dynamic I guess. The whole thing is making me have all these disjointed and grandiose thoughts. I’ve contemplated this ten day meditation course, just up and leaving my life for ten days to be a part of it, and I’ve contemplated becoming a pescetarian. Is that how you spell it? What I mean to say is that I would be giving up all meat, except fish.

My brain is all over the place. I was pretty convinced I could sit here and write something to you all that didn’t sound crazy. I’m not 100% sure I succeeded. But I adore all of you, I haven’t been keeping up on your blogs, and I’m sorry. I’ll get back from this obsession and be a part of the real world. I hope it’s soon.

And I ran, I ran so far awaaaaaay...

Lovely and wonderful readers, I'm sorry I haven't been around all week.  I have been doing...not well, not bad.  Running every day (even if some days it's less than half a mile), but it's hard to keep my calorie deficit where I want it.  It's like, I burn a few hundred more calories and I feel like I want to eat about eight hundred extra.  It's awful!!

The running, however, is going all right.  I am slow, not in the way that everyone says "oh I'm so slow" but in the way that I am actually slower running than walking.  I'm not opposed to being slow in general, but I'm annoyed at not seeing an improvement.  I finished week 1 of couch to 5k, meaning I've REALLY gone out to run three times.  And it may sound dumb but I'm sitting here annoyed that I haven't improved at all.  I know I know, running three times isn't exactly a huge amount of training (or even a habit, really).  Still, it would have been cool if after the last time I had made it even a tenth of a mile farther in the same amount of time.

Beyond running I haven't been up to anything but party planning.  I got my mask ordered, got together a bunch of other things and in true OCD fashion I made a wonderful and extremely detailed to do list for myself.  On the weight loss front, a big nothing has changed since the last time I posted - so disappointing!!

I wish I had a better update for you.  Something interesting to say, perhaps.  I'm swamped at work and the stress follows me home.  Nothing very serious, just a lot of little things.  But enough that I'm struggling to keep up with life right now much less blogging.  I'll try!  I miss you all when I'm gone :) hope you are all having wonderful weeks!!

ps, I gave up on giving up coffee - however I am keeping it down to 2 cups per week!  And...trying to save them for the weekend too, it's going pretty well!

Running. *shudder*

186.9.  Another pound lost and another reward (this one was a white board).  I reeeeeally need to take these in to my office and enjoy them!

Hi!

Hello my lovely lovely friends.  I've been off in the world of masquerade masks for a few days.  I literally can't think of anything else.  It's been awful and wonderful at the same time.

I have a lot of new subscribers, and I am so very very pleased.  Hi new followers!!  Introduce yourselves!  If you are brand new you should know I'm planning a masquerade ball, and if you're in the bay area (or not) I would love you to come.  Because I am THAT excited.  You should probably also know that I have OCD and that is why I obsessively talk about it.  I'm trying to keep it to a minimum so that today I can talk about...

Running.

I was going to link back to a blog where I know I very strongly stated I was not a runner but I can't seem to find it.  I don't like to run, I don't get running, I quit c25k on week 1 day 2, and not even after I completed day 2!  However, upon further thought I've decided I'm going to run.  To be a runner.  I said in an earlier blog that I was going to run the Disneyland half marathon, and I'm pretty excited about that goal.  I actually am procrastinating signing myself up, although I know that is going to happen by the end of this weekend.

I have a plan.  A running plan that goes from today until race day.  A plan that will make sure that I can run it in the time allotted or hopefully faster.  I'm scared of this plan.  And embarrassed by it a little bit.  The thing is, I am starting off by trying to run a tenth of a mile away from my house and then back.  When I looked on Google Maps I felt humiliated to myself that I had to PLAN to run that tiny distance.  But when I really truly admit it to myself, I haven't been working out or walking lately.  I am out of shape.  This is the realistic way to go about things.

There are a lot of emotions I have associated with this plan.  The first is like I said, embarrassment.  I may or may not have mentioned that Husbandcake is a runner.  A distance runner in fact.  He considers himself out of shape when he gets out of breath...after a mile.  I consider it a huge accomplishment when I make it up one flight of stairs without wanting to sit down.  He'd never judge me or make me feel bad or slow but I'd just know that he didn't understand where I was coming from.  Another emotion is anger, anger at myself for letting myself get to the point that I don't have the confidence to run less than a quarter mile.  Then there's hope, that I can actually be a runner and imagine all the glorious calories that I'll be burning when I am out there running 5-6 miles at a time.  But I'd be kidding myself if I didn't tell you that the bad feelings took up about 90% of my feelings.

That's not like me.  Sometimes it's like me.  But I haven't snapped out of it, and THAT is not like me.  I try to be very upbeat and happy.  After all, I am about to start a wonderful fitness journey that will end in tutus!  What else could a girly girl want?

For it to be easy...

Yikes.  Really yikes.  That is NOT freaking likely.  The goal for me is to get my time under 2.5 hours.  That is not likely either.  Or maybe it is, maybe I'll be a natural and end up being faster than I think.  I imagine myself barely making it in under the 3.5 hour time limit and it's scary.

I'm scared that I'll fail.  I'm scared that I'll stick with this plan for a week and then forget it.  That I won't actually run the half marathon, that I will be on the sidelines cheering my friends on.  That while I'm cheering them on I'll be eating a corndog or something.  It's weird not to have faith in myself.  After all, I am awesome.  I really am, I have my moments of doubt but I don't fake how much I like me.  That's what makes those moments of doubt so hard.

I've got to snap out of it.  I can't kill myself with doubt before I've even started.  I have to go look at my plan again and get excited.  Yes it's embarrassing to run a block and back because that's as far as I can go, but it's just the first step.  And soon enough I'm sure I'll be posting that I ran those 5 miles without stopping, and we'll all be laughing at how silly I was that first day being worried about failure.

Right?

Coffee and Other Musings

I gave up coffee.  It's awful.  That's an awful way to start a blog post too, but I don't even care.  I'd probably have a better beginning if I'd had my coffee.  Coffee, as far as I know (I don't know, I'm making this sentence up) is not that bad for you.  What is bad about my drinking coffee is that I take it with two splendas and 3 tablespoons of creamer.

In case that doesn't mean anything to you, look at this picture...

See that coffee on the right?  NEEDS MORE CREAM. 

Some people drink coffee black, I drink it white.  And that my friends is a good 100 calories for every small mug of coffee.  Some days half the calories I consume at work are in coffee creamer and that cannot be good.

In better news, I'm at 187.3 this morning.  What does that mean?  It means I'm over 1/4 of the way to my birthday goal!  So that's a small victory right??  I bought a couple of cute frames for my desk - pictures will follow as soon as I get some photos in them!

In even BETTER news, the manipulation of my friends to help me in my diet is working!  I am looking forward to a fabulous night of dress trying-on and dinner at the home of one of my most wonderful friends, Amanda.  A combination of the two things most on my mind, being healthy and my masquerade ball - how can I help but be happy.

Oh my gosh, and in EVEN BETTER news, Husbandcake is home tonight.  Home from a few days in Washington DC, where he was having some kind of training.

It's the little things in life that make you feel good.  What's making everyone else feel good today?

Mini Weigh In

I almost forgot to let you guys know the fabulous news, that this morning I was down to 188.1, meaning 2 new things for my cubicle...hmmmm....whatever shall I get??  Any ideas?

Fat Tax and the End of Settling

Who spent this weekend looking at the prettiest dresses ever??

Oh...it was me!!!

Most people are going to think I'm crazy - and maybe you're right, a little bit.  My wonderful friends and husband are planning a 30th birthday party for me.  I could not be more excited - it's a masquerade ball!!  I just want to invite everyone I've ever met and have a fabulous time (uh - ps, you're ALL invited, provided you want to make the trip out to California).  But in reality what I want most is a beautiful ball gown, so I have been looking all over for ball gowns all weekend.

As I was going through one website in particular, I started finding myself annoyed when I came across this:

(no, I am not crazy enough to be spending nearly that much anyway in case you were wondering)

Please don't misunderstand me - I understand that bigger clothes take more fabric and therefore cost.  Of course I also know that the difference in fabric amounts between a 16 and an 18 is not that much.  On the other hand, a 10 in that huge dress is going to use a LOT more fabric than a size 2.  So how is it fair that only size 18 and up have to pay the amount?  Why don't my skinny friends get a discount?

You'll notice from my title that I have a name for this charge.  I call it a fat tax.  And yes, I think it's unfair.  If you are going to charge based on fabric, charge a different amount for every single size.  Will that kind of suck for everyone?  Maybe.  Would I happily pay a higher price based exactly on what I'm getting?  Definitely.

The random injustice of being told we have to pay more to look nice is so frustrating.  There are even some plus size sites that charge you more over a certain size.  Not to mention that's just when we're able to get something similar to non-plus size clothes.  Most of the time the plus size versions of clothes are crazy - giant weird prints, unflattering cuts, tents!  Even at my store of choice (Old Navy) you get your regular size dresses and then the plus size dresses are lumped in basically with maternity.  Wider straps, less detail.  A lot of fabric to try to hide your shape.  But very, very obviously just a "fat" version of the cute smaller clothes.

For those of us that are on the journey to losing weight, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And that light is that eventually we'll all find our wonderful normal-size find, that perfect dress or shirt or whatever that makes you feel like jumping up and down and screaming that you lost weight.  For me this came in the form of a dress I wore to a friend's wedding in LA last month.

To get it though, check out this progression of dresses I've worn to various weddings....

This dress...I can't tell you how much I hate it.  There are no words, I just hate it.  and that is the look after hours of alterations, not to mention this dress came in regular sizes with thin straps, a better length and altogether way more wonderful. (and of course cheaper)

 

I'm pretty sure I posted pictures of this dress when i wore it.  It is an ok dress.  It had in addition to the bow under the bust that you can't see in this picture, bows at the shoulder.  It suffered from way-over-detailed syndrome, but I was pretty happy at the time to find a big girls dress that was not black..

This dress...oh my goodness, this dress.  Let me explain...

The thing about the dress I bought in December...is that I bought it at a juniors store.  I bought that dress for $22.50 at Charlotte Russe, and didn't have to alter it.  I'm going to let that statement re-sink in to my own mind.

To be able to shop at a normal size store is wonderful.  To be able to shop at a juniors size store is amazing.  I remember when the standard for a great dress was "minimal alteration, not black" - who wants to live like that?  Shouldn't the standard for a great dress be "feel fabulous, wear exactly what you want" instead?  It was eye opening for me to realize that.  To realize I could feel that great, to realize that I could be that happy with an outfit.

It couldn't have happened for a better wedding either.  Surrounded by Indian women in the. most. beautiful. saris you've ever seen, anything less than the perfect dress would have made sucked all the confidence out of me.  Wait - I am so distracted by how much I love that dress that I forgot my point.

OH!  Here is my point, let's bring it all back around. I am annoyed that people want plus size girls to pay more for clothes that are less wonderful.  I want to FIX it.  The epiphany that we don't have to look at clothes the way we are used to is a powerful one.  Now I get it.  And I want it to be that way for everyone. *end rant.

I just wanted to end on this.  I wish i could wear this every day.  Ok maybe minus the sleeves...

Running Just As Fast As We Can

Yesterday was a complete success.  My calorie deficit was just over 1000.  I forgot to weigh myself this morning but that's ok.  I think I did fabulously.

I meant to take pictures of the fabulous salmon salad and the cheesy muffin things I made last night, but forgot.  It's ok though because they were not at all pretty, but fairly delicious.  Especially the cheesy muffin things.  I wish I had brought one to work to eat right now...

Today I am going to ramble about my fitness goals.  I have one vague goal for this year, and that is this: the Disneyland half marathon in September.  The thing is...it's not my goal per se.  It's Erin's goal (and will be her second half marathon because she's aMAzing) and I'm just tagging along.  I mean my training so far, has been to decide that we should dress up and wear tutus and mouse ears.  I've even looked for tutus online.

This is how in shape I imagine Erin and I will be by September.  Hahaha...

Training-wise I know I need a plan.  I've walked a few 5ks now, one of which I jogged for...I dunno maybe 15-20 feet of it.  Haha :) seriously though I think I will set up a training schedule for how far I can run and how fast.  It will be much like the system I had for riding my bike to the store so long ago.  Or maybe I will re-try the couch to 5k program.  Either way, a little more every day and I'm sure I'll be able to do it in no time!  Well...er...a long time.  But it will be gradual and I think I will be able to do it.

So my own personal fitness goals are important too. But rather than a goal to work towards I think what I want from myself most of all is a commitment.  I want to work out two of every three days.  AND I want to move all day.  Even if it's just bouncing on my exercise ball I want to keep moving.  I need to get back in the habit of using the stairs during the day, using the restroom on the first floor and walking back up...whatever it takes.  I think we all know that every calorie we put into our mouths counts - well in the same way, every calorie we burn counts too!

In other, I meant to post this with my weight loss goals!  It's the first piece of my cubicle remodel....and I didn't even have to do any work for it :)

Don't I know the awesomest people??

 As you could have already guessed the theme of my cube will be pink and sparkly.  Can't wait, gotta get that first pound off!

Noms

Yesterday my calorie deficit was 812.  To get to my goal weight it was supposed to be at least 870.  Oops.  Which led to a not fun weight this morning of 190.4.

While I could easily blame that on the fact that I didn't exercise, that wasn't the problem.  It was my eating.  And it's exactly that, that is inspiring me to write to you about my eating goals today!

I have two eating goals, and the first one is so simple.  Cook.  A little background is that my work schedule changed.  Again.  And I am not getting home until about 6:00.  It is really rough.  I think back to a couple of months ago when I was home at 3:45 and I'm just...sad.  I feel like I don't have the right amount of time to get things done.  But guess what - it's time to suck it up.  Boo hoo, other people don't get home until 6:00 and THEY don't go out to dinner every single night or have their husbands cook for them.  So I will not do that either.  It makes me feel like a slacker when all I do is work and relax, and I can't fall into that trap so I have to stop now.

To help me with cooking though, I'm tricking a couple of friends into being healthy with me.  I guess it's not a trick as they'll probably see this when I post it.

A little preview of what my lucky guests might get tonight...

I'm experimenting on them with new recipes and I am going to trick them and possibly others into making this a weekly or bi-weekly thing, where we eat healthy food and cook instead of going out.  I really need this in my life.

My other eating goal is to PLAN.  I've already started the plan today.  I set alarms on my phone, to remind me to eat at good intervals.  Yesterday I didn't plan, had consumed only 300 calories (over 1/3 of that was coffee creamer!!) and got home starving and unable to think straight.  So I did what any complete idiot would do - I ordered fried rice and ate WAY too much of it!

To help with planning on a larger scale I bought a weekly calendar that will get stuck to my refrigerator where I can plan out my menus for the week.  If I have ideas and know what I'm cooking, I can get things out of the freezer or whatnot and never be stuck wondering what to eat.  Let's hope they have fast shipping and I can get started right away!

Hmmm, plan and cook.  Those goals are so simple they just might work...at least I hope they do!  What a boring post :) but super important.

What are your eating healthy tricks?  I have only a few that have REALLY helped me.  Weighing and logging my food are the biggest ones - my kitchen scale is almost as awesome as my Bodybugg, and it keeps me from overeating every time I use it.  The other thing I do is go small.  Small bowls (think rice bowl size), I even have small utensils.  I eat ice cream with a demitasse spoon - and all I take now is a teensy scoop!  It makes everything seem grander than it really is and makes small amounts of food last longer so I get that full feeling before I'm able to eat too much!

What a delicious eating trick!  Makes me want tiny amounts of ice cream right now!

Oh, hello scale - f*** you too.

So...not feeling as emotional as I was yesterday.  Or maybe it's just a very different emotion.  I'm angry!!!  Rawr!

 I had to peruse my old posts to find that on October 25 I weighed 184.4 pounds. I don't weigh that now. I hadn't stepped on the scale since I think Christmas morning, and then I was at 185.9. This morning? 190.1..

(that is me.  I did not draw it, but I saw the mirror and I looked like angry domo-girl after weighing myself)
 
I went back up into the 190s :( the sad face is the only thing I can think to let you know that it made my morning feel unhappy-like,.  I know, I know.  I will get over it.  All of it - the sad, the weight, the disappointment.  I will get past it.  I will be 184.4 pounds again.  And then I'll weigh less than that, I have faith.  This morning though...well, as I said, rawr.  It's a mental hurdle to see that 9 on the scale.

Let's try to move on (I'm not good at moving on so be prepared for me to come right back to this topic).  I meant to talk about goals today.  While my resolutions are vague at best, I really want to have something tangible to work towards.  And as this is first and foremost a weight loss blog I'm going to start with my weight goals and maybe over the next couple of days talk about fitness and eating and all the stuff that goes along with it.

When I started this blogging journey I was at 216 pounds.  Having already lost 31 pounds in the year and I half before blogging, I wasn't working towards anything in particular but had decided on a weight goal of 120.  Immediately I was chastised!!  I guess 120 was too low...at least since it's so far away.  I settled on 150 but I don't like that goal anymore.  At 150 pounds I will still be overweight (I'm 5'5") - only by about a tenth of a pound but overweight nonetheless.  And as weights go up and down on a daily basis...I'm settling on a magic goal of 148.  Safely normal-weight, and once I've been there for a month or two I can re-evaluate where I want to be. For now though - 148 is IT.

Meanwhile I do have a separate short term goal of 179.9 lbs as I am VERY EAGER to get out of the obese category.  I'm so close, although...twice as far as I was in October apparently.  I know I can do it though, and I'm going to try to knock it out fast.  I am banking on a lot of that weight going away quickly...hoping that it will jump down once I start drinking water, eating better food and flushing some of the ick out of my system. 

I actually am setting a goal date, something I haven't had a lot of success with but it's so important to me.  I'd like to be 179.9 by my 30th birthday.  I want to enter my 30s not being obese.  There I said it.  Now that is no short order - my birthday is in February and this would mean losing almost 2 pounds per week.  But I am confident that I can do it if I really, really try.

I do have a plan to get there...but I'll share that with you along with my eating and exercise goals.  First we will talk about the fun part of weight loss goals: rewards.  This being my birthday time of year, and less than 6 weeks away from my favorite and the most sparkly of all holidays I am going to go into reward OVERDRIVE.  Yeah you heard me.  And I'm getting a reward for every. single. pound. until I am no longer obese.

Now they're not huge rewards, some of them are very very small in fact.  My coworker just "remodeled" her cubicle at work and everything just looks so cute!!  So me being the copycat that I so obviously am, I am taking some time to remodel my own and for every pound I lose I'm going to allow myself to get one thing for my cubicle up to 10.  Anything from a frame to a lamp to a pen.  And just think with all the wonderful Valentine's Day things out there I am going to go into girly heaven.

Well, THAT certainly made me feel a bit more happy about having gained this weight - it's going to be fun getting rid of it!!

Unrelated to the rest of my post but I'm curious and being a lover of all things celebratory...what is your favorite holiday??  I can't help but love Valentine's Day.  It feels like the whole world is celebrating my birthday with me, decorating for me, it couldn't be more perfect!!

Love, Loss and Root Beer Barrels

Hello again my friends.  I wanted to get back into blogging about my everyday life again right away.  But every time I tried to write about how I've been health wise I find that I can't avoid this.  And what is the point of talking about my everyday life if I'm leaving out the most important things?

Last Monday, my jichan (grandfather) passed away.  The particulars aren't...particularly important.  He lived a long and very full life.  He was a wonderful person.  There isn't enough time in the world for me to say all I want to say about him.  I said in my last post that we weren't an overly emotional as a family and I meant it, but he still managed to make me feel like I was loved in a way I understood.  I have this really random memory from when I was a little kid (maybe 5 or 6?) and he was babysitting me and my sister.  We were across the street playing when I suddenly got sick in the neighbors' driveway.  In a second he was there...he must have been watching from the window.  He carried me home and asked if I was okay.  He took care of me.  When my dad got home, the first thing he asked me was if I'd gone back over to clean up after myself at the neighbors' house.  That's not to be down on my dad, because I know (now) that he cared and his brain just works differently.  But I mean...when you're growing up and something so small as a request to clean your room can make you think your parents hate you - my jichan was someone who always loved me.  For an overly emotional kid he was a safe haven.

There were no regrets with him either.  Not a one.  While a big speech about how much I love him would have just been weird for both of us, I hope I showed him.  I tried my hardest on birthdays, fathers days and Christmases to make him presents from the heart.  Whenever I could I would hand make his gift.  For his 90th birthday I gave him an afghan that was...oh my gosh by far the most labor intensive (but nicest) thing I've ever made.  It was little fish that all fit together to make a larger blanket, and I hope he loved it as much as I loved making it, and I hope he understood every silly and important emotion that I put into it.  I really do think he knew, and I knew he loved me, and what else matters.  I was so lucky to have been able to spend a bit of time with him the day before he passed.  There was nothing I ever would have done differently.

But it's been really difficult.  I spent a few days putting on a smile, because life went on - at least that's what it seemed like for everyone else.  I didn't really get how life was going on, but it did.  I found myself wanting to buy things.  Mostly candy-related things...I can't tell you how much chocolate I had, cookies and candy.  My love of candy came from him.  As long as I could remember he kept hard candies in the ashtray of his car, and I remember always happily unwrapping one when I was lucky enough to be going someplace with him.  The thing about life going on though is that it really doesn't make unpleasant things go away.  You have to stop and deal with things and for me it was rough.  Whenever it was just me and Husbandcake I was beyond a wreck.  I never stopped eating.  Not once.  There was always more candy.  There was always another box of Christmas cookies to be opened.  I would eat while I was crying.  I knew I was trying to eat away my sadness and even that didn't stop it.

Let's be clear - I wasn't the picture of healthy living before he passed.  I had already been eating VERY poorly and not exercising at all.  After his memorial service I took a deep breath and realized that it had to end.  I couldn't eat my problems away, and I knew that I was going to have to get back to a sustainable life.  And that's what I've spent the past couple of days doing.  Coming to terms with not having any more grandparents.  Coming to terms with someone so important to me being gone.  Realizing that he was more important to me than I ever knew.  Moving forward wanting to learn from all of his positive traits.

I know he wouldn't want me to wallow in a sugar filled pit of despair.  There's no doubt of that.  I went with a wonderful friend of mine last night and focused all of my unhappy feelings into this:

If you know me in real life you will know how out of character it was.  I hate pain.  I am not a tattoo type person.  But even the day that he passed, I had this feeling that I wanted him to be with me always in some grand gesture type way.  I am sure my parents will think I'm crazy (I don't think they quite believed I was actually going to do it), and quite a few of you will too.  But it felt right to me and if anything was ever worthy of being immortalized even symbolically it was this.  The fish is because he was a fisherman, he loved fishing and I hope he would have liked it.

I miss him.  And after writing all that...sorry, I'm too drained to come up with anything more poignant :)

New Year, New Resolutions...

Hi.  Every time I come back here I feel a bit...shamefaced.  I had this whole plan to start really blogging again once the new year started, once the craziness of the holidays and family time had died down.  I was a bit thrown this week, and it hasn't worked out how I wanted it to.  Nothing this past week has gone the way I wanted it to.

Still, it's the new year.  I made it!  There is so much I wanted to tell all of you, but instead of dwelling on the serious and sad things that have been happening I wanted to tell you about my resolutions.  To understand how important they are you should understand how important the new year is to me.  I get out an entire year's worth of superstitious nonsense all in two days - December 31 and January 1.  I am very much helped along by some wonderful Japanese traditions of cooking and feasting and family.

The new year is a time for new beginnings, and it's so important.  I know a lot of people out there will say that if something is important you can start at any time, but I think that a lot of us do a LOT better with that extra nudge.  I needed that nudge.  I need to come back to you all...it is harming me to be away from this world and my healthy lifestyle.

The new year is a time to be with people you care about and to set the standard for your year ahead.  I rang in 2011 for the first time in many many years with just myself and Husbandcake.  It was nice, relaxed...I missed hosting our annual Pajama New Year party, but I loved every moment of the two of us.  I also really love spending New Years Day with my family, and although our normal routine was interrupted (a whole other post) I was happy to have the day with the awesome people in my family.

The new year is an excuse to dream about who you want to be and what you want your life to be.  I've looked ahead and had huge dreams.  My resolutions are always so important to me.  They're well thought out, even when they're silly and I've never broken one.  But this year one wasn't enough for me.  So here goes...my new year's resolutions:

1. Care more - I lost someone last week who made me feel cared for.  I have realized throughout the week that I have family who cares more than they show (we are not big emotional gesture people), and friends that care more than I could imagine.  I want to live up to the amazing standard these people have set for me.  Mushy, yes...but true.

2. Be healthy - I've never resolved to lose weight.  And I won't now.  But I want to commit myself to being healthy, eating healthy foods, having a healthy lifestyle.  I want to run the Disneyland half marathon in September, for which I will begin training as soon as my foot stops feeling tender (got a tattoo today!)...so maybe in a couple of days.

3. Be me - I lost me.  I didn't hand-make any of my Christmas presents.  I haven't been cooking.  My house is a disaster.  And all these things made my loss feel so much worse...I felt like I lost my way, wasn't even looking for it and someone punched me in the face.  I want to feel like myself again.  Maybe I'm not the same person I was last January.  I'm smaller (yay!), I'm a little older, so who knows.  But I don't want to wallow back into nobodyness again.

4.  Blog - Maybe not every day.  Maybe I can't keep that up anymore.  But I'd like to give myself the chance every day, and not desert my blog just because I keep forgetting and get lazy.  It makes me happier, it makes me healthier, so I want to do it.

There we go.  I know it's a lot.  I know that this is a random and weird post.  I have a ton more to say, but today I am drained and can't say much more than that.  Just know that I will be back tomorrow :) and I missed you!!