Hello my inspiring and amazing readers!  I am feeling surprisingly contemplative for such a beautiful Saturday.  I am hoping that while my brain is up and working overtime, Husbandcake will get up and we can go out so I can get the rest of me working hard too!

Here is how I did Thursday:
Burned 2629 calories
Consumed 1582 calories
Deficit of 1047 calories

And here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2604 calories
Consumed 1576 calories
Deficit of 1028 calories

Weird how normal a schedule I feel like I have now.  At times I have had numbers all over the place.  I'd eat 1500 calories one day, 1100 the  next, and there was no rhyme or reason.    I don't know if that's good or bad, or what it means but it does seem like I've got more of a routine going.

So here is my contemplation of this morning that made me get out of bed and head over to the computer.  I've been doing well this week according to my trusty scale.  Not super amazing fantastic, but I'm on track for a solid 2 pound loss, which is great.  But...I'm tired.  I woke up this morning sore and cranky.  Not sore like I won't exercise all day, but physically getting up was a bit obnoxious.  I think I'm coming back around to that feeling that I'm working too hard to get these less than super amazing fantastic results.  I'm feeling pretty tired of missing out on hours of lounging and snuggling time with Husbandcake and Potato because I'm always exercising.

She's so lonely! ...She needs me...

I don't know what my next step is.  Some days I feel like I could keep plugging away like this for as long as it takes, and some days I feel like it's so tedious maybe I will just stay fat!  Honesly, I had decided to do this four day detox diet followed by a week of all organic happy healthy food.  I'm having some pretty strong second thoughts on that...I mean four days isn't all that much to try to shake things up and feel less full of chemically things like Splenda and cheddar Goldfish...but it's one of those things where I can't put my finger completely on my motivation.  Am I expecting to lose 12 pounds in four days?  If so, no way should I be doing this.  But am I only expecting to feel refreshed?  Then it's a great idea.

And then there's my metabolism, which I find to be the real problem.  I need to trick myself into burning more calories while I'm just sitting around.  I'm not sure how though.  At work I sit on an exercise ball all day.  My Outlook reminders pop up every five minutes reminding me to move and drink water.  I try not to sit still but it really seems like I'm not getting rid of any calories unless I'm actually exercising.

I skipped the lunchtime walk yesterday to go out to eat with some of the other girls in my department.  It was worth it - both because lunch was delicious and I had fun chatting and sitting out in the sun - but the moment we got back I started wondering what other exercise I could squeeze in in addition to my fabulous walk with the always awesome Erin.

Maybe it's just a matter of motivation.  Maybe I have a case of the weekend lazies after a week of being totally and enthusiastically on track.  Maybe I'm feeling like I need more more more coming back to me as I lose this weight.

Those of you who are bloggers will probably understand...that I just reread this post and almost deleted the whole thing.  My problem isn't that I'm lazy, or that I'm unhappy with my weight loss.  I'm just WHINING.  And there's no reason.  I had two people tell me this past week that I'm really looking different, not to mention all of you and your extremely sweet comments on my vacation post.  My wonderful and always supportive coworker said it was like I was just vanishing.  And that's not even including Husbandcake who gave me a hug and then stepped back and said that it was really, really different to hug me now.  I'm getting so much back, I'm just whining because I'm sure and I don't want to do what needs to be done today - which is another day of exercise, healthy food and a healthy lifestyle.

Still contemplating the detox diet tomorrow...we'll see how I feel when I go to the grocery store later.  It's not much, it's just a few days of fruits and vegetables, everything all organic and fabulous, and no chemically nonsense!  I'm sure I will make a very last second decision as usual.

All right, it's time to gain my positive outlook for the day and to get me there I will share with you five things that I'm so grateful for...

Husbandcake (ok and Bruce Willis too, he's cool and I'm grateful for that)...but Husbandcake is always at the top of my list and I'm always feeling happy and lucky to have his support.  I know if I told him today that I really, truly wanted to stay fat he'd drive me to KFC or whatnot in a heartbeat.  But he'd also know if I wasn't serious...and he'd probably drive me to get...a salad or something healthy that would make me feel better!

My awesome friend Erin, who I can take a long walk with and laugh almost the entire time...who is one of those people that is always full of compliments, notices everything and makes you feel good about yourself whenever you're around.  I love that, and being around her definitely makes me want to be a better/nicer person.

Corgis...this, my friends, is why I am building up my collection.  So far I've amassed this many:

But soon I'll have enough corgis to take over the world.

60 calories whaaaaaa?  These are my new favorite things.  What a fabulous treat!!!

Awwww I'm grateful for where I live.  It really is a beautiful day here, too beautiful to be inside and not out exercising, being happily active and enjoying the amazing sunshine.  It's a good life, mine is not so hard, and I'm doing JUST FINE.  So my list of thankful things has done me well and reminded me there is so much to be thankful for and so little to be whiny about.  Hope you are all having wonderful days!!

Quick Check in and Blog Hop

Good morning my lovelies!  I don't have much time but I wanted to check in and share another fabulous morning with you!!!

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2588 calories
Consumed 1605 calories - are you seeing this fat girl vs. world??!!  All healthy food again :) you finally got through to me I guess!
Deficit of 983 calories

Can someone please just beat me over the head with this information?  I feel well when I eat well.  I am happy, feeling very upbeat this morning and I know it's because I forced myself to eat good food and not just pick out the very lowest calorie food.  Including more peanut butter - which was actually in my office in these little 200 calorie packs that I cannot resist.  Yum!!

I know, a lame short blog!  It's ok though because there are all these other blogs to check out (and that I will have to check out too!!)

Ah Vacation...is it too soon to go back?

Sorry for the lack of post yesterday and lateness today!  I've had certain computer issues...that are extremely annoying.  However health wise I have been doing fabulously and getting back on track.  I went on the lunchtime walk solo yesterday as well and once I got home went on two more!  One with a friend and one just into downtown Clayton to meet Husbandcake after his dinner out with a friend.  Check out super-active KyokoCake!!

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2945 calories
Consumed 1793 calories - what??!!!  With no alcohol?  I assure you though it was ALL healthy food, including some absurdly delicious peanut butter that was perhaps too delicious to be eaten in moderation.
Deficit of 1152 calories

I'm really getting into the hang of this food as fuel thing.  I still enjoy food (so much!) and I am happy to be eating well...I am realizing it's just like putting gas in the car.  You have to have a certain amount to keep it going, but it doesn't make sense to put in ten gallons a day when you're only driving four miles every day - it will overflow and be gross!!  So on the days when I am burning a ton of calories I have to remember to refuel and on the days that I'm being lazy I have to remember that sitting on my butt does not require much fuel at all.

It feels good.  My lego tower is huge.  I didn't even take away blocks for this week's gain.  Big deal!  All that yummy food was totally worth it.

It was a struggle over the weekend especially - eating healthy stuff, that is.  I miss the bread and cheese of Napa, I miss the wine and the carefree-ness so it's a little bit of a shock to come back to normal life where I have to cook and make sure there isn't a lot of butter in everything!

I know I said I would share pictures of my wonderful totally worth it trip...it was really amazing!

First of all, our room - if you can even call it that.  Here is HusbandCake sitting out on the front porch.

Very quaint!  The cottages are super cute, I almost wished we could have had one more day to just hang out around the resort and in our room!

Our deck/outdoor area.  We had breakfast out at the table one day.  The chair you see in the background has a heat lamp over it too!!  We sat out there at night and stargazed all cozy like!

Wednesday when we first got up to the area we headed to Black Stallion Winery which was a really pretty winery...

It's like everywhere you go in Napa is an opportunity to have a delightful photo shoot!

and on to Darioush, where I realized that I need a tiara stand to keep my bottles of wine in!

Thursday we went to Castello Di Amarosa, which is this as-authentic-as-possible castle that some rich winemaker built.  Wines were not fabulous but it's worth it to go for the grounds and the tour!!  Gorgeous!

A view of the castle from the guard tower

In front of the drawbridge

Me daydreaming about being a princess (you can probably tell by now that Husbandcake had the camera almost the whole time)

My gosh it's like he's a real dragon.

That delightful barrel is full of port, which I happen to love.  Yum!

After that we went to a couple other places but let's be honest, you can't quite top that castle - it was amazing!

Friday was our actual anniversary, and we have a few traditions that we do every year on July 23...we went to lunch at our usual place in Sonoma and walked around the square for awhile shopping.  We got a couple of things at the jeweler who made our wedding rings - every year we get a glass paperweight and a little something for yours truly!  I wish I could even describe the necklace (I'm wearing it in the picture below but it does it absolutely no justice, at some point I will get a real camera and share its glory with all of you...in case you can't tell I love love love jewelry!)...

On to our most important tradition of exchanging presents on the stage we were married on at B.R. Cohn Winery.  It was as always a fabulous time to be at the winery, and be at the place where it all started five years earlier!

Our kinda annual hold the camera out with your hand anniversary picture!

Aww...that was nice to re-look over all those pictures.  I am so blessed and since this is after all a weight loss blog I am going to share that I am extra happy that upon weighing myself this morning I'm already lower than last week's weigh in.  Can you believe it?  What a bounce back after being up this week! Woo hoo me!

Weigh In

I couldn't decide between writing out a longer post or taking more time to read all of your blog posts that I am, as always, so far behind on.  I think I read too many blogs, but how do you cut any out when you have such a good time keeping up with people??

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2940 calories
Consumed 1462 calories
Deficit ofo 1478 calories

Alas it was not quite enough.  I knew while I was partaking in my three day wine and cheese and bread fest that the scale was not going to welcome me back with wonderful numbers and I totally got what I deserved.  Saturday morning I was at 210 and despite my active and fairly healthy weekend I still ended up with a disappointing weigh in!

Last week's weight: 206.7
Current weight: 207.6
Pounds gained: 0.9
Weekly goal: Two weekly goals this week, the first being to get back on track and eat well all week to make up for the anniversary trip.  The second goal is to burn 3000 calories in one day, sometime this week.

3000 calories is a lofty goal, I've never gotten that far before.  Even 2940 includes a 40 minute Wii workout, a bike ride to the store and back, and almost 2 hours of swimming (okay the swimming wasn't REAL swimming, it was hanging out in the water and I had to estimate my calories anyway because Bodybuggs aren't waterproof).

Still, that is a lot of activity in one day, I'm totally feeling it today, very sore!!  But it felt good and feels good now.  And going down two and a half pounds since Saturday felt good too - I know it was mostly water weight that I got rid of but if you guys even knew how much delicious food and bread I had in Napa...to only escape with less than a pound gained is nothing short of a miracle.

In the interest of complete honesty, I am sad to see a gain for the first time since I started my weight loss journey.  It is really, really sad.  On the other hand, I knew what I was doing the whole time, and every bite was worth it, every sip was worth it.  And it still feels worth it now, I loved letting go and having fancy food that does not come with calorie counts.  I didn't even attempt to track what I ate, but I know I stopped when I was full, and that's more than I've ever done in the past.  Husbandcake promised to get all of the pictures off of the camera and his phone today, so I will have an awesome vacation related post tomorrow!

Oh!!  Can you believe I almost forgot - let's end this on a high note.  I went to get my swimsuit yesterday and...it's huge!!  I tried on an old one and it was better but...it was still big.  LOVE IT!!!  It made me feel so fabulous to know that they were not only looser but that the one I've had for a year is so loose I couldn't even wear it!  Yay!!!

I Missed You!!!

Hello my wonderful amazing inspiring beautiful readers!!  I have been away too long and I miss the blogs and I miss you all.  It's only been a few days but a few glorious days, and I can't wait to share it all with you (tomorrow)...

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2322 calories - and that was with an hour of working out doing Wii Fit - sigh, I am going to have to change my routine and get that metabolism back up!!
Consumed 1210 calories
Deficit of 1112 calories

I had really high hopes of working out yesterday, and I did in the morning, but then went to see the Twilight movie with my friend (omg, it was so awful it made the first two movies look better), and when Husbandcake came to pick me up I fell asleep in the car and barely stumbled to bed.  Got up to eat dinner and was in and out of sleep on the sofa until about 2am when I finally gave in and went to bed for good.  Awful!!

Today is shaping up to be better.  I am meeting one of my very best and most wonderful friends and her family for breakfast to celebrate the fact that she got engaged last night!!  I knew it was coming but it didn't make it any less wonderful to see two people I really love make that commitment to each other.  I can't believe it's happening and nobody who knows me will be surprised that I have 4 or 5 bridal shower themes floating around in my head already!!

All right my friends...hopefully I will get in a better post later, although my day is certainly full of breakfast (where I will make healthy choices!!), a bike ride and hopefully swimming too!  Otherwise I will talk to you all tomorrow and hope that your weekends are going so wonderfully!!

Another Bike Ride, and Vacation! (and blog hop!)

I cannot describe to all of you how amazing yesterday was.  Start to finish it was such a great day!!  I'm not tracking my eating while I'm on vacation (way too hard eating out all the time and it just stresses me out when I don't have nutrition facts in front of me - but I am doing better and eating less than I usually do with all of the temptation and delicious food in Napa!!!)

Oh except get this - yesterday, I burned 2899 calories!  How great is that??

So yesterday morning we went on a bike ride.  We headed back over to Safeway and sat outside and had a little bit of breakfast.  It was nice to sit outside, nice to feel active!!

On the way home, my handlebars came loose.  Seriously.  How does that even happen?  But as they were moving up and down easily, I was really not able to ride home.

You know you're in bad shape when your bike is giving the thumbs down along with you!

Husbandcake rode on ahead while I walked my bike towards the house - he intended to get the car and come pick me up.  And for a minute or so I was actually really disappointed about not getting the exercise in (remember that I live on a mountain, so my calories burned are ALL in the ride home!) but then I realized I still had the opportunity to get a bit in.  So I walked as fast as I could to get as far as I could in the time it took him to get the car.  And I made it about 1.3 miles while he rode 2.2 - NOT BAD!!!

Actually after he met me in downtown Clayton, he realized that in his haste he had forgotten the giant cooler in the back of our car.  So instead of loading my bike up, he tightened the handlebars and I rode most of the way home.  I still can't make it up that last hill but I got a little farther than last time before  I had to get off and walk.

After all that, we got our stuff together and headed out to a couple of wineries before checking in - both of which were beautiful and I'll have to share pictures with all of you at some point when Husbandcake is awake because they're all on his phone.

And our room.  I cannot even tell you guys.  It is this little cottage that has everything you could want, from heated floors in the bathroom to a lounge area outside under a heat lamp.  Words can't describe how lucky I feel to have this glimpse into...what it must be like to be rich.  I will save up for 5 years just to be able to come here again...or maybe just hope and pray that somewhere, someone else will raffle off another couple of nights so I can come back.  Seriously.  Look at this place.  And we are, of course, in the cheapest room.  I can't even fathom there being anything nicer!

All right my lovelies, I am off to another fabulous day...or maybe take a note from Husbandcake's book and go back for more sleep.  I cannot wait to see what else my amazing Husbandcake has planned for me, I can only say I don't deserve all this amazing stuff and I am so, so grateful for every moment!!

Last but most very definitely not least...it's blog hop time!

Busy Busy Short Post

No time today...too much to get done on my last day of work for the week!  I'm not sure how well I'll be able to post while we're on our trip.  I'm sure there will be down time though, and in that down time I will be sure to let you all know just how off track I'm getting ;)

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2603 calories
Consumed 1314 calories
Deficit of 1289 calories

That's pretty good for a weekday, considering how I've been doing lately at work - barely meeting 1200 if that.  It was still hard to get my calories in while eating all of my servings of fruit and veggies.  But I had the most delicious slow cooked ribs ever last night, I can't even tell you.  Husbandcake started them at like 1:30 in the afternoon and they were all melty and...okay I know that's gross if you don't like ribs but they are among my very favorite things.

I'm still riding that wave of awesomeness from yesterday.  I am completely happy with both of my weigh ins...and I hope you all keep your fingers crossed that I win the work weigh in this week because it will lead to a FABULOUS surprise for this blog.  I'll know for sure on Friday!  The lunchtime was yesterday was crazy - I burned 517 calories and I'm definitely still getting faster.

That's about all there is.  I am so, so so excited for my anniversary trip.  Husbandcake has planned the whole thing out and all I have to do is show up!  A fantastic arrangement if I ever heard one.  I hope you all are having amazing weeks!!

Bikes, Chinese Food and Weigh Ins

Hello all!  Another week, and I am gloriously happy.  But you have to read my WHOLE post before we get to the weigh in, so...ha.

Here is how I did Saturday:
Burned 2564 calories
Consumed 1502 calories
Deficit of 1062 calories

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2640 calories
Consumed 1522 calories
Deficit of 1118 calories

Well, Saturday was SUCH a success.  That is 1502 calories of AWESOME HEALTHY FOOD, and I feel really great about it.  I can't say the same for yesterday's eating.  The day started out really well...

Husbandcake and I got up early and decided to get a little farther on the bike ride.  I was surprised - we've been slowly working our way farther and farther but I notice yesterday that the entire second half of the ride to the store...is fairly flat.  So once we reached that point I was more than fine and we made it all the way!

We rode a little around Clayton, with me wishing that it was a bit flatter.  But it was not too warm yet, and it was really a great ride.

I did really well, fabulously well...until we were back on my street going up to my house and I had to get off and walk.

Sad!  But once the steepest part was over I went ahead to end on a high note.

All in all I can't complain, it was an awesome ride.  After we lazed around for awhile longer we got up and went to see Inception, which was fantastic.  Husbandcake got popcorn and I did pretty well not having any.  Instead I had a small pack of those sour punch straws, which I love, and the whole pack was 210 calories.  The movie was great, I felt beyond fantastic about the candy too.  But then...we went for Chinese food.  I knew the whole time what a bad idea it was.  It's all sodium and oil...but it was also delicious and then there I was 725 calories later and not even feeling completely full.

I spent a lot of time the rest of the day worrying about my two weigh ins today.  My scale has absolutely loved me this week, and I just felt in my head that I was going to retain about 8 pounds of water.  Haha...well the worry was good, it made me drink almost 50 ounces of water the rest of the day, so that I could kind of flush out my system (yeah I was just making it all up, I figured that water would be best though!).  Had a healthy dinner of mostly veggies and I felt pretty good afterwards.

I guess there's only one place to go from there...
Last week's weight: 210.1

Current weight: 206.7
Pounds lost: 3.4
Weekly goal: Ummm, to keep doing what I'm DOING!  I've found a good stride and I really am wanting to keep it up!!  Oh - and my other goal is to not gain 12 pounds while I'm up in Napa...haha.

This sounds strange but I really wish I'd started out with the scale I have now.  I feel like, I know I've lost more than ten pounds but numbers wise I'm still really, really happy to be only 0.7 away from seeing that.  I'll get there, and soon!!

I am really happy to be finally where I want to be.  I feel like at one point I was overdoing the exercise, and I don't want to do that again.  I will find a good balance between burning calories and eating right - what I was doing was so much work and so much frustration.  And this week I was a lot more relaxed and a lot happier.  It's like stress is high in calories so I'm doing much better now!

I'm holding on to this feeling.  I feel stupid about last week and feeling down.  Sure, it will happen again - I won't be silly and say my next 56.7 pounds are going to melt away with a smile on my face, and I certainly don't expect to lose 3.4 pounds every week!  But for now, I am going to just revel in happiness that I am doing well, I'm happy and I am losing weight.

I hope you are all happy too :) good luck to anyone else who has Monday weigh ins!!  Hopefully my work weigh in goes just as happily!

Boring Day, Boring Post

It's going to be another good day.  I can feel it.  It's going to be a completely boring day, involving a bit of cleaning, and hopefully a bike ride.  Just thinking about it makes me happy all over again.

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2256 calories
Consumed 1237 calories
Deficit of 1019 calories

I took a little block off of my lego tower last night.  I was all weird about eating all day and then had over half of my calories (about 700) for dinner.  My stomach was upset, I ate way too much at once.  It's weird, my attitude about eating.  If I think too much about it, I get annoyed that it should be so important to me.  If I don't think about it, suddenly it's after 6pm and I've only had 500 calories.  So today if I'm more aware, I'll add it back!

Oh! I am going to do something really fun today!!  I am going to work on taking in a few of my dresses and tops.  I know eventually I'll have to buy all new stuff but I'm hoping to put it off as long as possible.  I know it doesn't sound fun but believe me, every stitch, everything just will make me so happy about how far I've come...so I am feeling great today.  And while I'm doing all that, I will be starting on cleaning out my closet and getting a little farther on my monthly goals.

Sorry I don't have anything more interesting for you all this morning.  As usual I am reveling in the boring-ness that I get to enjoy today!  And now off to read what the rest of you have been up to the past couple of days :)

Building, Building, Building

I was so happy yesterday - getting back to exercising, eating well, I mean everything just came together to be great.  Then this morning, I am feeling happy, energetic, fabulous.  I know when I am feeling sick, lazy, all of those bad things it's just a circle and I hope this one is too, that one good day will just propel me into the next!  In fact, I updated my letter to let myself know how happy I am so that I remember for next time that this works and I feel great!

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2480 calories
Consumed 1422 calories
Deficit of 1058 calories

So there's that :) I feel like eating more than a thousand or so calories gives me a LOT of energy for the next day.  I woke up not feeling tired, ready for my day and really just like a whole other person.

I was thinking about all of the happy things I wanted to talk about in today's blog.  My scale for the past few days has been so good to me.  My dress is too big.  I am carrying over from my yesterday, which included only nice conversations with awesome people.  The whole day!

It occurs to me that every day I am finding new ways to think about the weight loss journey I'm on.  Sometimes it's rough seas, sometimes it's a marathon, today...it's a lego tower.  Bear with me, as the more I think of it the more this makes sense (and makes me want to buy legos).

Every time I put on a dress that needs to be taken in I add a lego block.  Every time I see even a tenth of a pound lost or a quarter inch lost it's more blocks.  Get farther walking up the stairs before I stop for a break? Another block.  Big victories call for big blocks but even the little victories call for a little something to add to the tower.  And some days I'm looking at my lego tower thinking of how far I have to go - after all by the time I'm done I am going to be looking down at my old self from so far away!

And then some days I'm staring at my pitiful tower beginnings wondering how far I have left to go.

Some days I feel like I don't know what I'm doing...

And some days I feel like I haven't done anything at all yet.

You can apply almost any metaphor to losing weight but this one seems right to me.  I have all of the building blocks (literally) that I need to go ahead and complete my journey and the days that I'm feeling bad...all I'm doing is demolishing the thing that I worked so hard to put together.  So here we go, hopefully ahead to another stretch of feeling great, adding to my tower quickly and carefully so that I don't knock it over, creating a good foundation so that I don't ever end up back at ground level.

Now I want to go out and buy a lego set.  I'm so happy and grateful for all of you.  I say it often but you mean so much to me.  I hope you all have your fabulous towers building up and up today :)

Goal Check In

All right my fine readers, I am finally truly prepared for the day.  I have an entire outfit for going on the lunchtime walk (amazing, top AND bottoms AND shoes!), I am mentally awake for the first time in a few days, which is great, and I'm happy.  I also need to jump start my exercise again, so I'm happy to be walking and hopefully biking later...just getting active again.

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2205 calories
Consumed 1153 calories
Deficit of 1052 calories

So today I wanted to check in with you (okay and with myself) about my July goals to make sure that I am on track!

My goals for July are:
1. I want an average deficit of OVER 1200 calories a day for the whole month.  I changed this one to having a deficit every day and good thing I did ;) feeling much better about that decision.  I've definitely been keeping up with it!
2. I want to continue New Recipe Tuesday and try for Meatless Monday at least twice.  I didn't do it on Monday...but I have had more than two days of no meat.  It's good, but a little harder to meet my calories on those days.  I guess because I normally have it with rice so I'm missing out on all those calories too.
3. I want to clean out my closet, get rid of too-big clothes, sort any too-small clothes that I've kept for way too long and get organized with everything I want to keep.  Hahaha...yeah I have not started this at all.
4. I want to ride my bike all the way to the grocery store and back!  I'm still working on it.  Definitely getting better though, which is nice, and getting more comfortable on my bike :)
5. I want to make it from this moment until it's available and in my hands to STOP COMPLAINING about not having my iPhone 4 yet.  Oops...failed :) but I'm doing better, since the white one is not available until the end of August so at least now I have somewhat of a date.
6. I want to take time to let all of my most treasured friends know that they are special.  Awww, I forgot about this one too.  I'm working on it!
7. I want to get fun and cheap jewelry instead of wearing the same few pendants over and over.  I've tried...no luck.  Erin are you reading this?  We need to shop more (as if that were possible)...
8. I want to spend a whole day (our 5 year anniversary) happily drinking wine and eating great food with NO GUILT - yikes, that's a tough one...but important!  All right...this one is coming in about a week - July 23.  I am not really foreseeing any problems with it though!!

Well, I guess I am doing all right.  Not great.  I can do better the second half of the month!  I need to get back on track.  I was talking to my coworker this morning and saying that I am finally seeing the results I want on the scale - the problem is that I haven't been exercising lately.  And I really, really am not up for hearing that I'm losing all muscle - I'm not (unless my measurements are lying that is...).  So in my head what I am doing today is just repeating over and over that I need to be healthy, and not all flappy-skinned, and I have to exercise, even if it means I lose it a little slower!

It is hard when I'm feeling this happy about my weight today...to remember to BE HEALTHY!  I hope that all of you are out there being healthy and not giving in, starving yourselves or any of that bad stuff - if we all do this the right way we'll succeed once and for all :)

I hope I have more to report tomorrow...my days have felt so uneventful this week!!  I hope that the rest of you are doing well on your monthly/weekly goals.

Blog Award and Other Things

First, I have to admit I didn't go on the walk.  I went to go change for it and opened up my gym bag to discover no shirt.  And I wasn't so keen on getting my dress all sweaty nasty so, oh well!!  That was my little update for the afternoon :)

I got an award from Jen recently, and I am honestly just now caught up enough on blogs (you all have too many interesting things to say, and I have the most trouble keeping up!) so I wanted to say thanks Jen!!

There are three things with this award:

1). Thanks the recipient: Thanks Jen!! I love reading your blog :) we started all this at just about the same time and it always makes me happy to see your progress!

2). Link back the giver: Here is Jen's blog.  You should go read it...just open it in a new tab, finish here and click over.  Do it!

3). Reveal 10 things:
So I feel like if I get any more awards I don't know what else to say about myself.  But here goes...

1.  I'm terrified of up-escalators.  The other day Husbandcake and I were on one and he reached out to get a piece of lint or something out of my hair and I yelled at him.  Total gut reaction.  I am oddly okay going down on escalators but up...is bad.

2.  I like Twilight.  Now I resisted for years and just started listening to the audiobooks on my commute and while working out.  The writing is horrible, that is for sure - but I am really enjoying the story.  Wow, that was even more embarrassing than I thought.

3.  I wear flip flops every day.  Yes in the winter, yes in the rain.  Part of the reason I didn't exercise much until recently?  I didn't want to wear shoes...my feet are claustrophobic.
 
4.  A lot of people have those celebrity lists of people they want to/would sleep with.  I do not, and I have trouble looking at other people that way.  I am definitely more prone to finding famous men either:

pretty like a girl

adorable like a stuffed animal

or funny like a bobblehead

5.  If I could live anywhere, it would probably be my parents' house.  They have the perfect house and yard, and I hope someday they'll sell it to me so I can live there again.

6.  I am not artistic.  People often think I am because I love crafts and I love to theme, but give me a pencil and a piece of paper and I can barely draw you a stick figure.

7.  Jewelry is my weakness.  I am actually friends with my jeweler.  We will sit for hours designing jewelry - whether or not I buy it is a whole other thing but we have a ton of fun every time (and sometimes espresso vodka).

8. I don't have a group of friends. It annoys me sometimes. I love my friends but I feel like almost everything I do is one on one or double dates, and rarely have I had a girls day that didn't involve introductions at the beginning

9.  I really want to learn calligraphy.  Not this kind:

but this kind:

The only problem is I don't even know where to look to learn that kind of stuff.  Sure would be nice though.

10.  This last one is not about me but is outrageous nonetheless - the city I live in (Clayton, CA) was recently knocked of CNN's Best Places to Live list because they wanted to cut out anywhere that had a population of less than 50,000.  Which I find odd because the population of less than 50,000....is a big  part of what makes it the very best place to live :)

Well I guess I have to do four things!!  Now to hand out the award:

1). Brigitte at Poohpees World - for as much as I adore Brigitte you would never guess that in real life we have never spent a ton of time together.  She lives sadly far away from me in Missouri (where my sister lives), just started blogging again, and is JUST AWESOME.

2). Jess @ That's Just How I Roll - who recently wrote a post that really hit home with me and I was so glad to read it.  And glad that even though it was about feeling down she got right back up and made changes for the better starting the very next day!

3).  Ice Queen @ Fat Like Me - I always love reading her blogs, whether she is talking about her walks or really getting a little deeper...they are awesome, and one of the ones that even when I'm way behind in my blog reading I try to catch up right away :)

I hope you will go ahead and check them out.  They are all fabulous writers and even more fabulous ladies!!

Once you've starved....

Let's just get this disaster out of the way...here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2116 calories
Consumed 1070 calories
Deficit of 1046 calories

It was such a mess yesterday.  I missed a snack due to being at the nail salon forever (also, I hate unfamiliarity and the random new guy that was there did such an awful job that by today every single nail is messed up and the gel is actually peeling off, which I did not know it could even do!)...so I fell almost 200 calories under where my meal plan had put me.  Today I learned my lesson and brought my extra snack along so that I can eat it at the normal time whether I'm home or not, and I think it will keep me on track.

Today I am going to get back on track...I will go on the lunchtime walk, get my nails fixed and then come home and eat more of my awesome New Recipe Tuesday meal for dinner - Lyn's Butternut Squash Macaroni and Cheese.  Delicious, another success, and using multigrain pasta, low fat cheese and other awesomeness it came in totally low calorie and just plain perfect!!

I had this whole blog almost all written out about this awesome vacation dilemma I am having (whether or not to go on another vacation to Spokane this year, despite the fact that thanks to Husbandcake's job we've already been to Hawaii and Chicago, and won free nights at an inn in Napa later this month - thereby making up for the 3-4 years we went vacationless)...but the more I wrote the more I realized something.  Something about weight loss which is so much more relevant than how I used to be poor.

I read something once about how once you've starved you never feel full again.  In context it meant that you always have this little tiny fear that you won't have enough food again so you don't stop eating in the moment.  It's actually also a lot like hoarding, where you are so afraid of losing things and people that you fill your house with garbage to prevent it.  I actually likened it to my situation a few years back where (and this is making a very long, complicated story into an oversimplified one) Husbandcake and I found ourselves in debt and not able to pay our bills.  Through an absurd about of work, determination and going without things we thought we needed, we paid off our debt.  We now live credit-card free but I still have this fear inside me that is keeping me from saying yes to going to Spokane - the fear that I'll get used to going on vacations and drive us back into debt.  It's one thing to tag along (as this would be) on one of Husbandcake's business trips, where his flight and our hotel are paid for - but we certainly cannot just up and go on trips whenever we feel like it.  And there are times when I just freeze, too scared to spend even a penny on something, out of fear that we'll be in that situation again.

But talking out that dilemma made me think about losing weight.  Specifically about the fear of going back to where I was.  I still remember the day that I saw "247.0" stare back at me from the scale.  There it was.  Twice as heavy as Husbandcake, and I could lose a hundred pounds and still technically be overweight.  I remember feeling so disgusted, and then looking in the mirror and for the first time in as long as I can remember not liking what I saw.

There is a part of me that is terrified of going back to being 247 pounds.  There are times when I know, without a doubt that if I fail on this weight loss journey the only thing that will happen, is that I stay how I am now. Maybe gain weight. So why is it that every once in awhile I feel like it will mean my entire life will be in shambles?  Why is it that sometimes the fear is not even for my health but for everything else?  Honestly, there are times when I feel like it would mean that I will become poor again, my bills will pile up again.  I will somehow become unhappy again.  Back in time to when most of my friendships were toxic and unhealthy.  I have completely let go of those people in my life and my fear is that I will find more just like them, and lose the fabulous friendships I have now.

It's weird to say that, it feels like I have been thinking it for awhile but I've never put it into words before.  Even weirder that now that I've written it out I feel like I have this power over it, and that I won't feel that way again.  It sounds so silly, that weight would have anything to do with those other things.  Just like knowing that it's not a magic fix to make you happy and give you the things you want - it's also not a magic hindrance that will take away all of the things you've worked so hard for.  Oh!  I actually feel empowered!!

I'm curious if any of you want to share...if you all have fears about what will happen if you don't reach your weight goal, or if you give up or gain weight or any of those things?  I sometimes wonder if my brain works overtime and nobody else thinks of the same things I do.  But even if you don't want to share, I hope you can say it out loud and overcome it, because I feel this awesome weight lifted off just by sharing with you guys  and it is fabulous!!  Have a great Wednesday!!

Further Reflections on my Weigh In...

My mind is preoccupied with thoughts of the lunchtime walk today.  I didn't go yesterday, because I had way too much work to catch up on.  Today I have to go after work to get my nails done.  That sounds absurd but I mean I really have to, or my nail lady will charge me more (I have gels).  And I don't want to be all gross to go there.  But I am tired of not going on the walks - they're fun and oddly challenging, which my normal workout routine is not.  I am just going to have to assure myself that I'm going to go tomorrow.  It's little things like manicures that remind me to relax during the day and not stress out about stuff like this.

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2477 calories
Consumed 1210 calories
Deficit of 1267 calories

I read this article yesterday on the Bodybugg website about underestimating the amount of calories you eat.  Based on my measurement changes I'm underestimating my calories by an average of 65 every day.  That's not bad, as the article went on about how most people underestimate by 20-40%.  On the days that I have a deficit of 1267 calories, it means that it could really easily only be a thousand.  I know I've heard from several people that a thousand calorie deficit is a lot but really it isn't.  I'm trying to keep the deficit between 1000 and 1200, because I'm really going for losing 2 pounds a week.  I don't mind going a little over, going a little under but I do think I'm on track eating wise.  I'm happy and full, trying to eat more often this week but keep it to the same number of calories.  The article made me feel a ton better for some reason, I think it's because I rely so much on numbers that I forget it's not fool proof!

I had a talk with a friend about my blog about my talking about pills and frustration and all that.  It left me last night with almost more questions and doubts than I was already having yesterday.  I want to do this, and I want to do it right...the healthy way, the way that when you talk to a nutritionist or a doctor they would be like, oh wow that's by the book - no shortcuts, no quick fixes, a complete lifestyle change that I keep up forever.  But it's not necessarily that simple either.  I want to prove that it works to lose weight that way but I'm not entirely convinced.

In fact that's what really started making me think about programs, pills, all of those things.  I want so desperately to believe that this will work and that I’ll be "rewarded" for doing things a certain way and when I’m not seeing those rewards on the scale it’s so easy to convince myself that I have already failed at it.   Which is kind of what I felt like I was doing in my disappointment over the past couple of weeks.

So where do I go from here? Still on the same path? Do I just have to remind myself on a day to day basis that I AM doing fine and I AM working towards the right thing? How do I suddenly get rid of my lack of patience at wanting to see five, ten pounds gone every week?

All this is going through my mind last night as I was trying to sleep and it actually took my morning commute for it to hit me. I don’t need to change. I already AM a positive person. I already know that I can do this, I can handle it and I want to make a change forever - not for now.  Anything else I rely on, any program, diet, pill that I use as a crutch, is only going to hinder me later.  To clarify I know that this is not true for everyone.  I sincerely believe that it has helped and will continue to help a ton of people to be a part of specific food programs or take medication or have surgery even.  It's just that for me, I'd use it as basically an excuse to get fat again, an excuse that I cannot do it on my own.

I have lost barely over 8 pounds in 6 weeks - on my own with no help from anything except the support of all of you amazing people.  If I keep up that level of loss or even a little slower I will be at my mini goal next summer.  Not bad, not bad at all.  Whether it goes faster or slower than that I can always, always remind myself - just because I have off weeks does not mean it will take me 6 years to lose this weight.

Here is my plan: it's so simple, it's genius.  I wrote myself a letter.  Yup.  Not sure yet if I am going to print it here but I wrote it.  It's now in my wallet.  If I am having an off day I will need to read this letter - in fact feel free to remind me if I'm being mopey, to read the letter.  If I don't want to exercise, if I want to buy cake, it's time to read the letter.  If I need inspiration - that's right, letter.

There is another thing that my friend said to me yesterday that is really making me smile today.  She told me that she has started seeing me as somewhat of an inspiration on the weight loss journey. She had a history of dieting in a slightly unhealthy way...or maybe extreme is a better word, and wants to see someone do this in a healthy way and not give up at the first sign of trouble.  Someone who knows about weight loss and puts it into practice instead of preaching at fatter people to do it instead (okay those aren't her words but were randomly relevant to our conversation).

It's odd that sometimes the people that are inspirations to us look back at us the same way.  It's one of the unique things about blogging, and it's one of the unique things about my friendship with this person.  In most relationships, the things I admire about people or that make me look up to them are things that I don't have myself.  But it makes me happy to know that the person who inspired me to care about losing weight and to choose THIS time to do it...is also seeing me as an inspiration to keep it going for herself.  It's humbling and flattering and has made me happy and has made me want to tell everyone reading this that I really appreciate the inspiration you all have given me too.

Back to Life...Back to Weigh Ins

How sad is it that my mini vacation is over?  I've been so lazy I'm almost embarrassed to post how many calories I burned yesterday!  I was too lazy to even go get a manicure and a pedicure (desperately needed, my nails are gross).  But I feel so refreshed and I feel so ready to get back to my normal exercise and eating routine.

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 1958 calories
Consumed 1302 calories
Deficit of 656 calories

Here is how I did Saturday:
Burned 2040 calories
Consumed 1230 calories
Deficit of 810 calories

I really didn't like those low deficits (my lowest yet, I believe) but I also know from the way I'm feeling, that I am going to jump back in today.  I am also prepared to find a way to realize that a break from work and from chores doesn't need to mean a break from exercising and eating well.  Once I get that down, I think I will be even better.

But let's get to where I want to be today - my weigh in:
Last week's weight: 212.0

Current weight: 210.1
Weekly goal: I think my weekly goal is going to be...to figure out what my reward will be once I am finally less than 200 pounds...

Now I will not lie - I am really happy about my loss this week!  But I'm also all about being honest so I kind of wanted to work through everything I've been thinking since I stepped on the scale this morning.  I've been thinking a lot and it's a good loss for one week but I'm just not 100% satisfied.

At first I was just happy to see a loss but the more I think about it the more I just don't understand.  1.9 lbs should be the minimum I'm losing every week.  Very simply put, weight loss is about burning more calories than you take in.  We can all count fat grams, carbs, all that but the science of it is, if you eat fewer calories than you use up you should lose weight.  Muscle, fat, whatever it is, you should lose it.  And I am not really losing the weight I should be losing, according to the calories I burn and the calories I eat.  Muscle building can account for some of it but there is a limit and I'm past it.  I'm not bodybuilding, only doing minor strength training, there is no reason for me to be losing only 6 pounds in a month and a half.

I'm putting a lot of effort into this and I am still not over the past two weeks that I only had 0.2 lb losses.  Why is that, on a day like today?  I feel like I should really be dropping the weight like nothing, but I am not seeing the results.  Yes, I am seeing a few results in measurements, but I can lose 20 inches off of my waist and to be honest, it will never mean the same thing as 20 pounds.  What an awful thing to think, but like I said I am trying to be honest here.

Last week after my loss I told Husbandcake and my sister that I wanted to make a doctors appointment and get some kind of help.  No, not a nutritionist, not advice - drugs.  Prescription drugs.  I am not going to act like I've made a final decision on this, although for now I've decided to hold off.  I know I'd be doing it out of laziness...because I don't want to work so hard for the results I've been getting.

So there you have it, even with a good weigh in I am still really questioning what it is that I've been doing, what it is that I am going to do next, and why I am just plain not losing weight in a way that corresponds to my big calorie deficits.  Maybe it is just a matter of lowering my expectations...but I know how hard I've been working and to not see my weight going down this much every week is in a way making it seem like I'm working at nothing.

Let's for a second get back to happy though.  Even with ALL THAT going through my head I am still so excited about the loss.  I mean come on!!  It's my biggest weekly loss since I started this whole thing - by almost a half pound!  It sounds like I am gloom and doom today but I'm really not.  I feel like I'm back on track and I want to keep up on this.  Honestly the difference I've seen this week is that I've exercised less and relaxed more so I'm wondering if that's something I might want to keep up.  I don't want to get back into another situation where I'm so exhausted from over-exercising that I make myself sick again!!

All right my wonderful, beautiful, supportive and amazing friends - I am ready to go attack my day, eat some healthy stuff and burn some calories and get started on another week that will turn out as awesomely as the one I just finished!

I know I'm lame, but now I'm back!

I know I've been gone for...a couple of days!!  I was up in Sacramento on Thursday, out in San Francisco yesterday and just having a little break from everything including my computer.  It was really, really nice, and exactly the break that Husbandcake and I needed for our own mental health.  Sometimes I get really overwhelmed, up and down, emotions crazy and all over the place...and it takes a really calming time to get me back to where I need to be.

Since first and foremost this is a weight loss blog so I want to say that I have been ON TRACK with my eating! :) I have been slacking a little on recording it all but still, I'm watching my portions, getting all my exercise in and it is really nice.  Today...let's see, it's almost 4pm, I am still in my pajamas and loving every second of it.  I know I will have to get up and get some kind of physical activity in but I am just too busy reveling in my own laziness.

I just wanted to share, especially after my mopey beginning to the week, that I am so happy right now, so very content.  I have spent the past few days with some of my very best friends (and my very newest friends!) and having some very wonderful times.  I'm so thankful to have things in perspective!!

All right, this is a lame post :) not much to say on such a laid back day!  I am going to go do some reading and find out how all of you have been doing...I'm hoping you all are having fabulous Saturdays.

Destined to Lose Weight?

It's Wednesday isn't it?  Crap.  I had leftovers last night.  I'll definitely be trying new things tonight, whether or not they'll be healthy is another story.  I'm disappointed though because last week I came across Lyn's cauliflower mac and cheese and I have been dying to try it.  I love cauliflower and cheese so I don't see that any harm can come from putting them together!  But alas, there is always next New Recipe Tuesday to give it a good try!

Here is how I did yesterday:
Horribly.  I failed at being positive, I failed at going on the lunchtime walk...failed at making something new for dinner.  I was unhappy about my weigh in all day - not to mention that even though my scale put me at losing 0.2 lbs this week and 0.2 lbs last week the scale at work put me at losing ZERO pounds over the two weeks.  Which I am still annoyed about but I'm blaming it on the scale because I know I lost that almost-half-pound, so :-P

Here is how I did yesterday, calorie-wise:
Burned 2740 calories
Consumed 1346 calories
Deficit of 1394 calories

So, the good thing about yesterday being such a total failure is that today has the potential to be a ton better.  A million times better.  A half day at work, a super fun time tonight up in Sacramento with AWESOME friends, I am really excited about the day.  And I am also pretty excited that despite my desire halfway through yesterday to go down to the little cafe shop near my office and get several cookies, I stayed on track, ate pretty healthy food and I got my exercise in.  I guess it wasn't a total failure...just an attitude failure!

I'm so grateful for all of the support you all gave me and always give me.  I think a lot of us know just how valuable it is to have that support and to have that amazing feeling that you are not going through this alone.  I know I wasn't the only one who had a bad weigh in this week and in a lot of ways it helped.  I look at other people, who didn't lose much or anything and I know they aren't failures...so I have to admit grudgingly that maybe I'm not either.

I have had this conversation with a good friend a few times, about how we know what is right for losing weight, but we just don't do it.  I thought about that a lot last night, about how if it was just a matter of knowing what to eat or how to exercise it would be so easy.  The truth is, a lot of us know a ton about fitness and nutrition.  My dad runs a publishing company, and they make health, safety and productivity handbooks.  I've been writing articles about fitness and nutrition since my college days and for a long time it made me feel like a fraud.  At one point we were sitting there, two fat people telling people how to lose weight and live healthy lives, and I just thought we are cheating these people out of their money.

But we weren't - the information was valid.  The food chart that I made was awesome and helpful, I just didn't use it.  The tips on how to start a running program or to make sure you stretch were right on, I just never ran...or exercised at all.  It's crazy the amount of knowledge we have and the amount we've put it to use.  Now that I've started practicing what I preached for years I feel great.  I can't even tell you all why it took me so long.

My career, if you can call it that, has really centered around the health and fitness industries.  After working full time as a writer and editor for my dad, I went on to work in a bookstore that specialized in nutrition resources for children.  From there I spent a year working for a cellular company, which was not at all fitness related and we ate cookies and cupcakes regularly...but after that job I was called by a recruiter to fill in a temporary spot...at 24 Hour Fitness corporate.  Can you imagine a clearer sign that I am supposed to be healthy?  If you believe in God, which I do, it is so obvious that He wants to surround me with every resource to lose weight, eat right and be healthy.

I think a big part of the reason I was just SO down yesterday is that a failure to lose weight is like a waste.  A waste of all of my knowledge, the support around me, the free healthy food I get at work, the free gym membership, it's all wasted if I don't lose the weight.  I know though, that all I can do, is do everything I can and try my hardest and if I've done that - if I've eaten well, exercised and done what I can - I didn't waste it.  It's not the numbers, it's not the numbers, it's not the numbers.  I just have to keep telling myself that until I believe it 100% of the time.

The other reason...well I guess it also had to do with numbers.  I love numbers, and figuring things out.  That's why I figured out yesterday that losing 0.2 lbs a week I'd hit my 150 mini goal in the spring of 2016.  Six years of working THIS hard just to be mostly to my goal?  No thank you, I'd rather stay fat.  But you all, my voices of reason, know as you told me, that it will kick in soon, that the numbers will go down, that my work will pay off, it just didn't pay off on the scale these past two weeks.

But again, in my head just like last night I keep going back to the fact that I am meant to lose weight.  I can't get away from the fitness industry if I wanted to (which I don't), and I have so much support, so many amazing people in my life, so much knowledge about health and nutrition.  I am not meant to feel unhealthy, I am not meant to have stomach aches after dinner and I am not meant to be winded from chasing my dog down the hallway.  I am meant to be healthy, happy, fit, and thin.  That's just how it is :) and to be honest now that I've put it in words and put it out there, I feel a lot better about my "fate"!

Horrible Weigh In

I didn't blog yesterday!  First day I've missed since starting this whole thing, I believe.  After cleaning my house for what seemed like 48 hours straight I just needed a break from everything.  I slept in late (late for me anyway, which is 9-10) and had a lazy day.  Husbandcake's coworker came over and we had lunch and played Wii.  It was pretty fun.  I didn't weigh in yesterday, I did it this morning and we'll get to it in a second.

Here is how I did Sunday and yesterday
Burned 2851 calories Sunday and 2321 calories yesterday.

I extended my non-tracking to yesterday because I really felt like I was doing so well but I'm back to tracking today because I know I overate for dinner last night.

I want to preface this by saying that so far my weigh in has ruined my day.  It's only 7am which means there is plenty of time to bounce back but as of right now, I am having one of those moments where I hate everything and I feel like the world is against me. 

Last week's weight: 212.2
Current weight: 212.0
Weekly goal: I feel like my weekly goal should be to not starve myself after seeing that number on the scale.  Or to not cry at work today.  But right now that seems like a tall order so I'm just going to try to keep up with my monthly goals this week.

I know I'm losing fat.  I don't have one of those super scale things but in the past two weeks when I've only lost less than a half pound my clothes are still getting more loose.  But even though it matters it doesn't matter enough.  I am big enough that even gaining muscle I should be losing more than ONE FIFTH OF A POUND every week.  I don't know what I'm doing wrong, I'm eating healthy food, I'm keeping up with my vegetables, I'm feeling great, but something is just plain not working.  According to my food deficits I should have lost almost 2 pounds just Monday through Friday.  So what is the issue here?

I'm trying to turn this around and snap out of it but I just can't.  It's too much.  I feel like simultaneously giving up and starving myself.  Like crawling back into bed but also buying a treadmill and running all day.  I don't feel like me...it is not like me to feel this deeply and disturbingly defeated.  And it's not just the weigh in.  All these things seem so silly but are piling up on me and it feels like they are literally what is weighing me down.  My hair is doing this awful thing, my email inbox is full of things I don't want to deal with.  My handbag is a mess and I usually keep it so nicely organized.  I know I have days where I just need to snap out of whatever funk I'm in, which I know I need to do now...but it just seems worse than that.

And there goes my goal for not crying.

Like I said...there is plenty of time to turn my day around.  There really, truly is hope for today and I hope I'm able to find it.  I'm sorry for being such a downer!!  I can't even think of 5 things I really, truly feel grateful for right now.

*edited to add that something weird is going on with comments - I'm getting them in my email and I'm not sure why they aren't showing up here...hopefully it will be fixed soon!

New Dress!

Happy 4th of July to all of you who are here in the states (and to all of you that aren't, I hope you are having a fabulous Sunday)!!  I have so much to get done today, I just feel like I'm running around like crazy.

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2602 calories

I'm taking a break.  Yesterday I didn't track my food, although I was pretty aware of what I ate and I did eat good stuff.  Today I'm doing the same thing for the most part.  I am going to make sure I know the calories in the things I'm eating but I'm not going to write it down, add it up, obsess throughout the day.

You guys and your comments...they make me so happy.  I know I'm doing well and sometimes I just need something to focus on and obsess about, lately it's been making sure I get enough calories.  I talk about OCD a lot but that's how it is, just this ever present thing in my life that affects me every day and I need to back away from this obsession and just be happy with how I'm doing.

Which I am...because I went to wear a dress I bought a month or so ago that I never got around to wearing and the results made me so happy that I photo-documented it.

Hmm it did NOT look like this in the store...

I know it's hard to tell from that picture so here we are again:

It's so huge!!  Even pulling it out like that it's still loose in front.  When I bought it, it wasn't exactly tight but it sure wasn't too big.  I wore it anyway but caught a glimpse of myself once and realized the dress almost looks misshapen from being too big.

So to recap...I feel great, my clothes are looser.  I need a break from the obsession about my calories.  I burned a good amount of calories yesterday, I will burn a good amount today and I will really, really be happy.

Because I'm awesome!!!  How could I not be happy!!! Hope you guys are all feeling awesome today too because I definitely think you're the best :)

Rough Morning

Beautiful readers, I am having a rough morning.  Last night I was exhausted and didn't put in my calories from lunch and dinner, but I went to bed completely sure that I had eaten well over 1400 and that I was going to be so excited to come here and talk about how I ate healthy foods all day and still got my calories in.  Imagine my surprise when I didn't make it...

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2602 calories
Consumed 1126 calories
Deficit of 1476 calories

I don't get it.  I ate avocado, rice, vegetables, chicken, yogurt...and a ton more.  I even had risotto in there somewhere.  My amazing friend gave me this advice about making sure I eat 5 or 6 times a day but I just end up having snacks and all my snacks are those 100 calorie servings of stuff.  So I just don't eat enough.  But even that is nowhere near as baffling as me sitting here wondering...now that I'm eating so little...how in the WORLD did I ever eat so much as to get as fat as I am??

Well I know, the answer is a lot of stomach aches, a lot of feeling too full, a lot of "one more cupcake" and all that.  Now I feel full all the time.  Pleasantly so, but still.  I couldn't eat any more than I do.  I think I am going to try re-introducing higher calorie foods in my diet.  A girl I used to work with one day brought in an avocado, sprinkled it with lime juice and a teensy pinch of salt and just ate it.  It's delicious and now I feel like I should just replace at least one snack a day with something like that...at least it would get me an extra 150 calories or so over my granola bars and the like.

All right I'm dwelling and I need to move past it.  Yes, it was a disappointment and I still feel grossly unhealthy like I'm accidentally starving myself...but today is another day to eat well, eat enough calories and feel great.

I have a million things to do today, so hopefully I'll be running around and burning calories, and then I'm really hoping to get another bike ride in today.  In true OCD fashion I made a schedule so that every day I go a little bit farther so that by the end of July I will be able to ride the trip out to the grocery store.  For now though I just go part of the way, come back and then ride around the flatter areas of my neighborhood.  I feel so weird having to work my way up to such a short trip - but I know in less hilly places riding 5 miles is nothing!!  Okay no complaining, I'm getting better, getting closer every day.

For now I just am going to regroup, remember how awesome I am and stop obsessing over food, whether it be to make healthy choices or eat too much, I'm not going to let food rule over my entire day!  So there you have it, now let's all keep our fingers crossed that I come back tomorrow and tell you how successful I was!!

Feeling Better...and Small Goal Change

I'm feeling slightly better today but still not at 100%.  I feel a little embarrassed that I let myself get unhealthy in the process of trying to be more healthy.

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2224 calories
Consumed 1341 calories
Deficit of 903 calories

Yesterday after I left work early and took my nap I was feeling better.  I tried to eat some pasta in the afternoon because I was so low on calories but I got a stomach ache after not too much.  And then later I had some leftover sea bass from New Recipe Tuesday along with rice but got another stomach ache.  My new treat that I don't think I wrote about yet is to have one cookie and a cup of milk to get my calories up if they aren't enough at night.  It makes the milk feel like a treat and makes me feel good that I know to stop after one cookie and honestly...I love to savor foods, so limiting myself makes everything taste a little more special!  Oddly that was the only thing that didn't give me a stomach ache yesterday.

So I thought about how fitting it was that I wrote in my July goals that I wanted to have a deficit of 1200 calories a day, and then that very day my body is like "um, no...I don't think so".  First, I wanted to clarify that I meant an up in exercising, not down in eating!!  But second, I think I have to change that one right away.  It's too much and it's taking a toll on me.  I'm going to say that I want to continue to have a deficit every day.  That will be challenging enough what with our trip to wine country, 4th of July, other get togethers...so I am backing off.  Maybe a less aggressive approach is what I need right now.

I feel very, very off this morning.  I think it's because I didn't exercise yesterday.  It has in the past month become such a part of my life that I missed it like you would miss your favorite coworker at work - the day takes a little longer to go by and you feel a little less happy.  The end of whatever exercise I do in a day is normally when I get the best feeling of accomplishment, it's when I really feel like I'm on the right track.

I am trying to be positive about the day ahead though, at the very least I'm sure I'll get some cardio in later as we are renting one of those rug doctor things to clean our carpets.  I absolutely despise carpet and how it traps pet hair and other gross allergy-worsening things, so I love to have them REALLY clean whenever I can do it.  It involves a lot of furniture moving and walking around and then later I want to try to squeeze in some Wii Fit.  Still taking it easy though - I don't want to get all woozy and sickly like I did yesterday!!

Finally and perhaps MOST importantly, I am looking for some good recipes for barbecues.  Especially main courses.  I have no idea what to eat other than to know I am not up for hot dogs and other really high calorie foods!!  Any suggestions?  What are you all doing this weekend?

Blog Hop and Rest Day

Okay okay I am finally really listening to what I need to do.  And that is...eat more and STOP exercising once in awhile.  Why did I come to this conclusion?  Because I started feeling woozy and achey and I had to leave work early :( but thanks to the nice almost 3 hour nap I've had, the snack and the next hour or so of just sitting and reading blogs that I have planned...I am about to be feeling a ton better.

I'm still learning. I will get the hang of this being healthy and not going overboard thing...I promise!!

And it's blog hop time...don't forget to click through on these...I've found some awesome bloggers through this!

Try It...and July Goals

Well...I went on the walk yesterday after all.  I will go more in depth but it felt great :) I walked faster than I had before and felt awesome afterwards.  Later in the evening I wasn't feeling so well and in the end I did not get my calories in for the day.  I still am not feeling great, I can't tell if it's a stomach ache or a general feeling of "blah" - which is totally the clinical term for it.

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2696 calories
Consumed 1110 calories
Deficit of 1586 calories

I wish I felt like I was seeing the pounds on the scale dropping as fast as they should with all my deficits.  I also wish that telling myself over and over again that building muscle means losing less weight and is a GOOD THING would sink in already!  It's tough not to be disappointed, but I know at the end of the day I don't want saggy skin and I do want to be in shape.

Okay so back on to something happier.  I read something about running awhile back that came into my head yesterday and made me go on the walk.  Even if you don't feel like exercising, try it for 5 minutes.  Just 5 minutes and you can stop.  So I thought, I can get dressed, go down, and then maybe walk a half mile or less and if I feel too badly I can turn around and come back - and then I will know without a doubt that I tried and I wasn't just being lazy.

And now that I put it into practice I feel like that should become my motto!!  I really feel like there is no shame in not being able to walk up that hill every time, but I want to at least make an attempt so that I can turn around knowing I wasn't just too lazy to change, too lazy to try.  With my general blah feeling of today I am thinking I'll make it a short walk.  I didn't even make it all the way up the stairs this morning...ended up stopping at the 3rd floor and taking the elevator up to the 5th because I was in a bit of pain.

Even on my off days I think it's worth a 5 minute exercise :) and I hope that works for some of you too because despite my case of the blahs I feel really proud of myself for yesterday.  Well ok except for the eating but I am going to do better today.

Well I had some general goals at the beginning of last month and I figure it's time for a review and update!

1. I want to lose at least one pound every week.  I didn't exactly do this, but I'm calling it a win because it averaged out to at least a pound a week!

2. I want to try at least one healthy recipe a week to replace things like fried chicken wings and funfetti cake from my eating habits.  I did this every week except when Husbandcake was gone.  Verdict?  Delicious!!!  And it got me thinking more about eating fish and GOOD lean proteins, and delicious banana ice cream.
3. I want to wear eye makeup every time I leave the house on the weekends (yeah it's silly - but makeup really makes me feel better about the way I look and I'm sick of being lazy about it!).  Oh my...I'm not wearing any now, and I haven't for a couple of days.  But I stuck with it almost the entire month, which was really great.
4. I want to stop being FAKE.  I'm actually doing better with this.  Sometimes it is still hard and I don't want to start drama or do anything to upset people...but I know it's a balance.  People so often go through life not caring how they affect other people and I don't ever want to be that person.  But I have been a lot better at focusing my attention and effort towards people that I want in my life, people that are positive and people who have a positive impact on me.  I am calling this one as a win too!

My goals for July are:
1. I want an average deficit of OVER 1200 calories a day for the whole month.
2. I want to continue New Recipe Tuesday and try for Meatless Monday at least twice.
3. I want to clean out my closet, get rid of too-big clothes, sort any too-small clothes that I've kept for way too long and get organized with everything I want to keep.
4. I want to ride my bike all the way to the grocery store and back!
5. I want to make it from this moment until it's available and in my hands to STOP COMPLAINING about not having my iPhone 4 yet.
6. I want to take time to let all of my most treasured friends know that they are special.
7. I want to get fun and cheap jewelry instead of wearing the same few pendants over and over.
8. I want to spend a whole day (our 5 year anniversary) happily drinking wine and eating great food with NO GUILT - yikes, that's a tough one...but important!

Boom.  I just busted out 8 goals, so it is going to be a busy busy busy month!  What are some of your goals for this month?? I'd love to hear them :)