Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Further Reflections on my Weigh In...

My mind is preoccupied with thoughts of the lunchtime walk today.  I didn't go yesterday, because I had way too much work to catch up on.  Today I have to go after work to get my nails done.  That sounds absurd but I mean I really have to, or my nail lady will charge me more (I have gels).  And I don't want to be all gross to go there.  But I am tired of not going on the walks - they're fun and oddly challenging, which my normal workout routine is not.  I am just going to have to assure myself that I'm going to go tomorrow.  It's little things like manicures that remind me to relax during the day and not stress out about stuff like this.

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2477 calories
Consumed 1210 calories
Deficit of 1267 calories

I read this article yesterday on the Bodybugg website about underestimating the amount of calories you eat.  Based on my measurement changes I'm underestimating my calories by an average of 65 every day.  That's not bad, as the article went on about how most people underestimate by 20-40%.  On the days that I have a deficit of 1267 calories, it means that it could really easily only be a thousand.  I know I've heard from several people that a thousand calorie deficit is a lot but really it isn't.  I'm trying to keep the deficit between 1000 and 1200, because I'm really going for losing 2 pounds a week.  I don't mind going a little over, going a little under but I do think I'm on track eating wise.  I'm happy and full, trying to eat more often this week but keep it to the same number of calories.  The article made me feel a ton better for some reason, I think it's because I rely so much on numbers that I forget it's not fool proof!

I had a talk with a friend about my blog about my talking about pills and frustration and all that.  It left me last night with almost more questions and doubts than I was already having yesterday.  I want to do this, and I want to do it right...the healthy way, the way that when you talk to a nutritionist or a doctor they would be like, oh wow that's by the book - no shortcuts, no quick fixes, a complete lifestyle change that I keep up forever.  But it's not necessarily that simple either.  I want to prove that it works to lose weight that way but I'm not entirely convinced.

In fact that's what really started making me think about programs, pills, all of those things.  I want so desperately to believe that this will work and that I’ll be "rewarded" for doing things a certain way and when I’m not seeing those rewards on the scale it’s so easy to convince myself that I have already failed at it.   Which is kind of what I felt like I was doing in my disappointment over the past couple of weeks.

So where do I go from here? Still on the same path? Do I just have to remind myself on a day to day basis that I AM doing fine and I AM working towards the right thing? How do I suddenly get rid of my lack of patience at wanting to see five, ten pounds gone every week?

All this is going through my mind last night as I was trying to sleep and it actually took my morning commute for it to hit me. I don’t need to change. I already AM a positive person. I already know that I can do this, I can handle it and I want to make a change forever - not for now.  Anything else I rely on, any program, diet, pill that I use as a crutch, is only going to hinder me later.  To clarify I know that this is not true for everyone.  I sincerely believe that it has helped and will continue to help a ton of people to be a part of specific food programs or take medication or have surgery even.  It's just that for me, I'd use it as basically an excuse to get fat again, an excuse that I cannot do it on my own.

I have lost barely over 8 pounds in 6 weeks - on my own with no help from anything except the support of all of you amazing people.  If I keep up that level of loss or even a little slower I will be at my mini goal next summer.  Not bad, not bad at all.  Whether it goes faster or slower than that I can always, always remind myself - just because I have off weeks does not mean it will take me 6 years to lose this weight.

Here is my plan: it's so simple, it's genius.  I wrote myself a letter.  Yup.  Not sure yet if I am going to print it here but I wrote it.  It's now in my wallet.  If I am having an off day I will need to read this letter - in fact feel free to remind me if I'm being mopey, to read the letter.  If I don't want to exercise, if I want to buy cake, it's time to read the letter.  If I need inspiration - that's right, letter.

There is another thing that my friend said to me yesterday that is really making me smile today.  She told me that she has started seeing me as somewhat of an inspiration on the weight loss journey. She had a history of dieting in a slightly unhealthy way...or maybe extreme is a better word, and wants to see someone do this in a healthy way and not give up at the first sign of trouble.  Someone who knows about weight loss and puts it into practice instead of preaching at fatter people to do it instead (okay those aren't her words but were randomly relevant to our conversation).

It's odd that sometimes the people that are inspirations to us look back at us the same way.  It's one of the unique things about blogging, and it's one of the unique things about my friendship with this person.  In most relationships, the things I admire about people or that make me look up to them are things that I don't have myself.  But it makes me happy to know that the person who inspired me to care about losing weight and to choose THIS time to do it...is also seeing me as an inspiration to keep it going for herself.  It's humbling and flattering and has made me happy and has made me want to tell everyone reading this that I really appreciate the inspiration you all have given me too.


Fat Girl vs. World said...

glad to see that you're in a semi-happy/stable/okay place now...

Brigitte said...

You are totally awesome!!

screaming fatgirl said...

My feeling has always been that one does the behavior and the results will come. However, they will not be linear, and they will not be predictable. On average, they will be what you might expect.

I know you've said that you're obsessive, and I think your preoccupation with the numbers and being "rewarded" with results is related to that (though everyone wants to be rewarded for their effort). If you look at this as a "forever" change, then it might be best to view it as a more long-term deal rather than focus so intently on the short-term results.

I don't weigh myself often because of the sorts of impatience and frustration you feel. I know some people can weigh themselves often and not feel that way. It's a personality issue, but if your lack of specific or anticipated results bothers you enough to go after pills to push the process, then perhaps you should weigh yourself less often. Try to find reward in making the changes themselves rather than in the results of the changes. The results will come along.

Good luck!

Erin said...

HOORAY for reciprocal inspiration!! :) You are truly awesome, I'm so glad we're friends, and I look forward to watching you succeed! Selfishly hoping I do, too...it's like drafting in a race. Hmmmm...

KyokoCake said...

@Fat Girl vs. World - thank you :) and I hope I stay here, the up and down thing was not working out happily!!

@Brigitte - you are so awesome too...I mean talk about inspiration, how much you have done and are still doing, you are amazing!!

@screaming fatgirl - it is the non linear thing that gets to me, and I need to definitely find a way past it. I like things that are cut and dry, so it's tough. Weighing myself is a bit of a compulsion, so I do have a bit of tension throughout the day if I don't do it...which is tough to deal with (not to mention there are four scales throughout the two floors my company takes up in our building - scale city!!)

@Erin - it IS like drafting, haven't you noticed...it's like when I'm ready to give up you are all enthusiastic and vice versa. It's fabulous, so great I can't even really describe :)

Christina said...

I really like your letter idea. I may have to do the same thing! Thanks for the inspiration!

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