Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Once you've starved....

Let's just get this disaster out of the is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2116 calories
Consumed 1070 calories
Deficit of 1046 calories

It was such a mess yesterday.  I missed a snack due to being at the nail salon forever (also, I hate unfamiliarity and the random new guy that was there did such an awful job that by today every single nail is messed up and the gel is actually peeling off, which I did not know it could even do!) I fell almost 200 calories under where my meal plan had put me.  Today I learned my lesson and brought my extra snack along so that I can eat it at the normal time whether I'm home or not, and I think it will keep me on track.

Today I am going to get back on track...I will go on the lunchtime walk, get my nails fixed and then come home and eat more of my awesome New Recipe Tuesday meal for dinner - Lyn's Butternut Squash Macaroni and Cheese.  Delicious, another success, and using multigrain pasta, low fat cheese and other awesomeness it came in totally low calorie and just plain perfect!!

I had this whole blog almost all written out about this awesome vacation dilemma I am having (whether or not to go on another vacation to Spokane this year, despite the fact that thanks to Husbandcake's job we've already been to Hawaii and Chicago, and won free nights at an inn in Napa later this month - thereby making up for the 3-4 years we went vacationless)...but the more I wrote the more I realized something.  Something about weight loss which is so much more relevant than how I used to be poor.

I read something once about how once you've starved you never feel full again.  In context it meant that you always have this little tiny fear that you won't have enough food again so you don't stop eating in the moment.  It's actually also a lot like hoarding, where you are so afraid of losing things and people that you fill your house with garbage to prevent it.  I actually likened it to my situation a few years back where (and this is making a very long, complicated story into an oversimplified one) Husbandcake and I found ourselves in debt and not able to pay our bills.  Through an absurd about of work, determination and going without things we thought we needed, we paid off our debt.  We now live credit-card free but I still have this fear inside me that is keeping me from saying yes to going to Spokane - the fear that I'll get used to going on vacations and drive us back into debt.  It's one thing to tag along (as this would be) on one of Husbandcake's business trips, where his flight and our hotel are paid for - but we certainly cannot just up and go on trips whenever we feel like it.  And there are times when I just freeze, too scared to spend even a penny on something, out of fear that we'll be in that situation again.

But talking out that dilemma made me think about losing weight.  Specifically about the fear of going back to where I was.  I still remember the day that I saw "247.0" stare back at me from the scale.  There it was.  Twice as heavy as Husbandcake, and I could lose a hundred pounds and still technically be overweight.  I remember feeling so disgusted, and then looking in the mirror and for the first time in as long as I can remember not liking what I saw.

There is a part of me that is terrified of going back to being 247 pounds.  There are times when I know, without a doubt that if I fail on this weight loss journey the only thing that will happen, is that I stay how I am now. Maybe gain weight. So why is it that every once in awhile I feel like it will mean my entire life will be in shambles?  Why is it that sometimes the fear is not even for my health but for everything else?  Honestly, there are times when I feel like it would mean that I will become poor again, my bills will pile up again.  I will somehow become unhappy again.  Back in time to when most of my friendships were toxic and unhealthy.  I have completely let go of those people in my life and my fear is that I will find more just like them, and lose the fabulous friendships I have now.

It's weird to say that, it feels like I have been thinking it for awhile but I've never put it into words before.  Even weirder that now that I've written it out I feel like I have this power over it, and that I won't feel that way again.  It sounds so silly, that weight would have anything to do with those other things.  Just like knowing that it's not a magic fix to make you happy and give you the things you want - it's also not a magic hindrance that will take away all of the things you've worked so hard for.  Oh!  I actually feel empowered!!

I'm curious if any of you want to share...if you all have fears about what will happen if you don't reach your weight goal, or if you give up or gain weight or any of those things?  I sometimes wonder if my brain works overtime and nobody else thinks of the same things I do.  But even if you don't want to share, I hope you can say it out loud and overcome it, because I feel this awesome weight lifted off just by sharing with you guys  and it is fabulous!!  Have a great Wednesday!!


Brigitte said...

This is precisely why I don't have a goal weight set. (Insert rumbles from others about the awfulness of this idea.) I would become a neurotic mess.

In my mind, I would be happy at 190 all the experts say I should be in the 170s. I am leaving it open because I want to reach a weight that I feel comfortable and healthy. I've been fat since I was 3 years old. Even playing basketball for years didn't change the flub. I definitely wasn't healthy.

When I was sick, I gave up on my weight. I didn't really care what I ate as long as I slept for more than 2 hours. I'd eat the house!

I want to be the best me I can be. If that means that I don't hit someone's expected goal then screw it. My goal is not to have ALL the health problems my mother developed. I have high blood pressure and asthma. I was probably well on my way to being diabetic. No more sista!!

You won't fail at this. Together we can all win this battle. Never let the self doubt creep in. Work everyday to squash those fears!

karen said...

My greatest fear is to gain hugely significant amounts of weight and become "super obese" (a step beyond morbidly) ... because that's what killed my mother. Too much of my family is obese. I can't do that to my boy if I can help it and I truly believe I can. I look at my cousin who's just barely 30 and it terrifies me for her because she talks like she's trying but everytime we see her she's bigger than the time before.

KyokoCake said...

@Brigitte - I never know about my goal, if it's good, if I'll stop there or before there. But I like having the goal so I feel like I'm making more progress. I have a lot of fears about being like my dad too, so I'm glad that I started this process now!

@karen - you will not get there, are amazing and I hope that you inspire your cousin, and so many other people in your family to follow in your footseps!

Christina said...

Nice to meet you! That butternut squash mac and cheese recipe sounds great! I'm going to try that out very soon!

Ali said...

First of took a big step in ownign your bad day by blogging it, thinking about it and working out what to do now instead of giving up. Very inspiring.
As for fear of not reaching goal...well I have never thought about that as I feel that I can see it happening. You have to vicualise it, you have to believe it. If you dont believe it, no one else will. I havent set myself an unrealistic goal. In fact my goal weight is to actually the highest in the healthy range of BMI, but I feel this weight would be best for me). You will get there hun. xo

KyokoCake said...

@christina - Welcome!!! The mac and cheese was SO delicious, I cannot wait to have it again...I used low fat cheese and multigrain pasta and it was really low cal :)

@ali - I am really feeling it today. No doubt, no nothing - I'll get there! I love days like this :D

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