Once you've starved....

Let's just get this disaster out of the way...here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2116 calories
Consumed 1070 calories
Deficit of 1046 calories

It was such a mess yesterday.  I missed a snack due to being at the nail salon forever (also, I hate unfamiliarity and the random new guy that was there did such an awful job that by today every single nail is messed up and the gel is actually peeling off, which I did not know it could even do!)...so I fell almost 200 calories under where my meal plan had put me.  Today I learned my lesson and brought my extra snack along so that I can eat it at the normal time whether I'm home or not, and I think it will keep me on track.

Today I am going to get back on track...I will go on the lunchtime walk, get my nails fixed and then come home and eat more of my awesome New Recipe Tuesday meal for dinner - Lyn's Butternut Squash Macaroni and Cheese.  Delicious, another success, and using multigrain pasta, low fat cheese and other awesomeness it came in totally low calorie and just plain perfect!!

I had this whole blog almost all written out about this awesome vacation dilemma I am having (whether or not to go on another vacation to Spokane this year, despite the fact that thanks to Husbandcake's job we've already been to Hawaii and Chicago, and won free nights at an inn in Napa later this month - thereby making up for the 3-4 years we went vacationless)...but the more I wrote the more I realized something.  Something about weight loss which is so much more relevant than how I used to be poor.

I read something once about how once you've starved you never feel full again.  In context it meant that you always have this little tiny fear that you won't have enough food again so you don't stop eating in the moment.  It's actually also a lot like hoarding, where you are so afraid of losing things and people that you fill your house with garbage to prevent it.  I actually likened it to my situation a few years back where (and this is making a very long, complicated story into an oversimplified one) Husbandcake and I found ourselves in debt and not able to pay our bills.  Through an absurd about of work, determination and going without things we thought we needed, we paid off our debt.  We now live credit-card free but I still have this fear inside me that is keeping me from saying yes to going to Spokane - the fear that I'll get used to going on vacations and drive us back into debt.  It's one thing to tag along (as this would be) on one of Husbandcake's business trips, where his flight and our hotel are paid for - but we certainly cannot just up and go on trips whenever we feel like it.  And there are times when I just freeze, too scared to spend even a penny on something, out of fear that we'll be in that situation again.

But talking out that dilemma made me think about losing weight.  Specifically about the fear of going back to where I was.  I still remember the day that I saw "247.0" stare back at me from the scale.  There it was.  Twice as heavy as Husbandcake, and I could lose a hundred pounds and still technically be overweight.  I remember feeling so disgusted, and then looking in the mirror and for the first time in as long as I can remember not liking what I saw.

There is a part of me that is terrified of going back to being 247 pounds.  There are times when I know, without a doubt that if I fail on this weight loss journey the only thing that will happen, is that I stay how I am now. Maybe gain weight. So why is it that every once in awhile I feel like it will mean my entire life will be in shambles?  Why is it that sometimes the fear is not even for my health but for everything else?  Honestly, there are times when I feel like it would mean that I will become poor again, my bills will pile up again.  I will somehow become unhappy again.  Back in time to when most of my friendships were toxic and unhealthy.  I have completely let go of those people in my life and my fear is that I will find more just like them, and lose the fabulous friendships I have now.

It's weird to say that, it feels like I have been thinking it for awhile but I've never put it into words before.  Even weirder that now that I've written it out I feel like I have this power over it, and that I won't feel that way again.  It sounds so silly, that weight would have anything to do with those other things.  Just like knowing that it's not a magic fix to make you happy and give you the things you want - it's also not a magic hindrance that will take away all of the things you've worked so hard for.  Oh!  I actually feel empowered!!

I'm curious if any of you want to share...if you all have fears about what will happen if you don't reach your weight goal, or if you give up or gain weight or any of those things?  I sometimes wonder if my brain works overtime and nobody else thinks of the same things I do.  But even if you don't want to share, I hope you can say it out loud and overcome it, because I feel this awesome weight lifted off just by sharing with you guys  and it is fabulous!!  Have a great Wednesday!!