Birthday Binge?

I've been out of blogging action for a week!  Sorry about that.  Still doing well.  Still eating well, as long as we forget that Friday and Saturday happened.

But I don't really want to do that - see Friday was my birthday, and part of the wisdom I've gained in my 32 years is, if you want sushi on your birthday, go for it, pig out and enjoy every bite.  And maybe if you're still feeling like carbs and fried rice with fried salmon just go ahead and eat it the day after.  So between that and my super creamy tomato soup my calories were a little out of control!  I got it out of my system, back on track and as of this morning I was only up 0.1 pounds from Friday morning anyway.

Which puts me today at 205.4. Which means that since January 1 I'm down 12.6 pounds.  It also means that my goal to lose 20 pounds by June 1 is going well because I'm already down 4.6.

So as you can tell I'm feeling really good.  I just have been self conscious about writing/posting this blog at work, even on my lunch break, for reasons I'm not going to post in public.  And it's tough when I get home, normally I eat early and bike or skype or whatever, and don't think much about logging on to the computer and being coherent ;)

It's amazing what momentum can do for you though, really I have been feeling good and energetic every day except today.  Last night I slept badly, and by badly I mean 3 hours tops.  I have a feeling that I'll be in bed around 8pm tonight just completely passed out!!  Even so I'm glad I got up and got on the bike this morning.  It was really difficult but I felt great afterward.

Not much else to report.  I hope you are all having wonderful days!

Chicken Soup for...HEALTH

Hello!!

I hope all of you had a good weekend.  I did - I splurged a bit on Saturday - my friends made a Chinese New Year feast of deliciousness.  Veggie/tofu dumplings, green onion pancakes, and my friend Elizabeth made avocado deviled eggs that I found on pinterest and they were just SO good. I could have eaten about 20 pounds of food but in the end I didn't.

Yesterday was even better, as I went super healthy all day and made my favorite chicken soup - it's just low sodium chicken broth and every single type of vegetable that I love thrown into my slow cooker.  This time it was onions, onions, onions, cauliflower, broccoli and carrots.  And more onions (I really love onions in soup).  It's one of those things you can't believe is so low calorie and I love to have a small bowl of it before a meal, so I'm not tempted to overeat.

But that wasn't my highlight of yesterday. I got on the exercise bike, I had a little bit of tension to work out because I was...bidding on something on ebay. Don't judge, that crap is STRESSFUL for me!! But after I won the auction (woo-hoo) I still had all this energy.  I ended up working out about 55 minutes but at a really fast pace, definitely not my normal as-long-as-there's-movement workout.  I feel a little sore but a little more energetic today. It's nice to have good momentum, it keeps you going.

There was one point Sunday morning that I was texting my friend saying that I just wanted to cook an entire salmon and stuff it in my face with plenty of rice, but instead I had a nice lunch of a berry smoothie and chicken breast and raw carrots. And it felt better than if I'd ended up in a salmon and rice coma all afternoon - in fact at night he texted me telling me that he was glad that I stuck with healthy eating.

*Just to clarify, I don't think salmon is unhealthy - in fact it's one of my favorite healthy foods.  I just was craving a particular type of salmon dish that is fried with oil and a sweet sauce and I wanted to surround it with carbs.

Fruits and Vegetables

Just an observation: when you're trying to go REALLY heavy on the fruits and vegetables, it's hard to get enough calories.  I felt like I never stopped eating yesterday!  Although in the end I got about 600 calories of fruit and vegetables in - that's almost half my calories in that goodness :) feels great!

Hungry Hungry Kyoko

It's another hungry day.  My healthy food isn't cutting it today.  Maybe my metabolism is up or something because I am all off.

I didn't work out as much as I wanted to last night.  About 30 minutes in I got a really bad muscle cramp in my leg.  I stopped for a minute and massaged it out, stretched and went back to it.  It was ok for a bit but 5 minutes later it was back so I quit for the night.  Kind of sucked, but I hope tonight when I go back to it, that I'm ok again.

It amazed me how bad it felt to not get my full workout in.  I've been going between 45 minutes and 2 hours at night on my exercise bike.  The 2 hour workouts are really just me sort of lightly pedaling along, and the shorter workouts are a little more of a hardcore speed race.  I got into bed really disappointed and fell asleep earlier than I meant to.

And then today I've been SO hungry! Like stomach-growling hungry even though I've been eating! I think it's knowing all of this delicious food is waiting back in my house.  I went a little crazy last night at Grocery Outlet with the fresh fruits and vegetables.  I had like four bags just filled from the produce section, and then milk and frozen blueberries, and it just felt good to leave with only those things.  So what do I do this morning? Bring a grapefruit to eat?  A couple kiwi? Nahhh I forgot it at home -_-

Of course.

It's maybe a little silly, because we do get free fruit at work (and I have noticed free vegetables recently as well!), but short of stealing a bunch to take home with me, I find that it's easiest to get my own and start my day with some fruit or something fresh to go with those meal replacement shakes.

Hope you are all having happy healthy days :)

SUSHI.

I am craving sushi in the worst way.  And it's been too long since I've had it so I'm not craving a couple pieces of delicious and fresh salmon...I am craving like massive quantities of rice and fish and everything that comes along with it.

I managed to put it off for now - maybe I'll go next week.

I wanted to thank you guys for your clothes advice.  I did stop by a couple of thrift stores but found absolutely nothing :( but I did find a couple of kind of looser fit skirts in a smaller size that I think will look just slightly fuller if I lose a few pounds.

Meanwhile I can't seem to shake my desire for unhealthy food.  It's been a little while since I've gone out to eat and that's been really good for my health and my focus on losing weight - but the past couple of nights, and today, I am dying for some Korean bbq/sushi/Hawaiian food.  Basically I want rice rice rice and preferably some greasy chicken along with it.

I even sat down yesterday and did a meal plan - so I'm set knowing what I'll be eating for the next week, and groceries are bought so I don't have a chance to go out and have anything bad. I'll let you know how it works.

Sorry so boring today - I could go on, but believe me when I say all I'd talk about is...sushi. ;)

All Smiles

Maybe my problem is I just don't know WHEN to write.

If I don't get a blog out on my lunch break I just kind of let it slide all day.  Last night I got home, did a bunch of cleaning, had dinner, worked out, showered and crawled into bed around 9pm.  I didn't stop moving until then, and then I pretty much just lay there until I fell asleep.  It was nice.  I was down a little more this morning too, bringing my grand total to 8.2 pounds this year!

Today what is on my mind, is a friend of mine has been trying to come to the US for awhile.  He applied for a visa, went in for an interview and was told that it needed further processing.  A google search annoyingly brought back that often when someone has a Muslim name their visas are held up - I can't even get into that because it angers me but it is what it is.  It's been a tense couple of months for him, waiting and not knowing what was happening with his future (he wants to go to graduate school here in the states and become a therapist).  I woke up to a picture of his passport, with a shiny new visa inside! He got it, just today, which means he is free to start school in the fall.  I'm so happy for him, he is one of my very best friends and will actually be staying with me while he's here.  It's nice to have your future sorted out, at least to some extent, so I am all smiles for him and his good news.

Not to mention I'll be very glad to have a concert junkie in the area to go to rock shows with!

And someone to go on walks with, because I am a big scaredy-cat and I tend to exercise indoors especially in the evenings because I don't want to get caught outside alone in the dark.

That's been on the forefront of my mind today.  It's kind of keeping me floating amidst some bad news and bad friends. I've been doing my best to focus on the positive and for the most part I'm doing well, I just have to get rid of this little nagging headache but it's nothing another productive and calorie burning night won't fix ;)

Clothes Help

I have a serious question for all of you that have lost weight or are in the process of losing weight: what...the heck do you do about clothes?

I'm really cheap. I buy a lot of clothes on clearance and from places like Old Navy. So yesterday I'm looking at all the Old Navy clearance section online and thinking, I'd really like some of these long skirts/dresses for my trip...but wait, don't I want to be 20 pounds lighter?  How am I supposed to buy clothes for 20 pounds from now...especially when you don't really want to be counting your chickens before...that 20 pounds is actually gone.

My OCD gets in overdrive about things like this.  I'm sure any other plus size girls can understand, it's one thing to run to a mall and get any long black maxi skirt from any store if you're a size 6 but if you're rocking a size 20 butt there is no guarantee that you'll be able to find ANY skirt in ANY store.  What if I get up to a few weeks before my trip and everything everywhere is tank tops and short skirts that will turn me into a popsicle??

I figure my options are to buy things a little tight and hope that they still work, or to just deal with loose fitting clothing.  But I don't know what's best.  I don't really like loose fitting clothing.  My favorite pair of jeans are about 3-4 inches loose in the thigh area and as wonderfully comfy as they are I know I look kind of slobby and I get self conscious.

Anyway the point was to turn it to you and ask for ideas and advice and how you all deal with it.  Help!

I meant "daily" in a loose sense

Did you like how I said I was going to blog daily and then didn't do one the next day?

I had a good excuse. I was busy, and I don't have a bike desk and I spent almost all evening biking.  Legs are killing me today and it feels nice.  Also nice is that I've been having a nice little party in my head here in the office today.  Good music and a good mood just really get me all happy and more importantly moving!

Today has overall been really good. I had a talk with a friend this morning about the nature of weight loss, and girls and boys, and not wanting to be in a bathing suit in front of your favorite rock star.  We discovered that both of us were trying out meal replacement shakes because we weren't making the best morning choices.  She was just starting out, meanwhile I've spent a little bit of time trying to figure out what works for me, taste wise, vitamin wise etc.  I've discovered that ones intended for weight loss are...generally not for me.  If anyone else can choke down a SlimFast more power to you but EW.  I've even tried doing my own smoothies but when I'm rushed in the morning, I've found that my go to has to be extra easy and can't involve washing the blender.

What else, I'm down another half pound, this means about two pounds toward my goal of 20.  I'm really trying to get in a healthy eating and exercise routine.  Shake for breakfast, salad/veggies for lunch, light-ish dinner.  And Special K bars as snacks, because those things are made of pure deliciousness.

None of that is very exciting.  But that's my day :) hope you are all having great days!

Stepping it Up

Good afternoon!

Expectations have been on my mind today.  I keep thinking about how much I expect for my efforts in weight loss and in life.  I mean we all want to be treated perfectly.  We want something that fits into the parts of our lives that we love but that changes all the parts that we don't like.  When you're talking about a relationship how many of us know a girl who wants a perfect prince charming to sweep her off her feet and treat her like a princess?  How many of us ourselves want to lose weight by having a magical fix, a workout that only takes us 5 minutes a day?  But just pining away for perfect things only leads to sadness.

I try to view life from a place of bettering myself.  That isn't something I've always done and I don't like the person I was before I did it.  I used to be that person that expected everyone to be what I needed right then.  But now I feel like I have to stop and think, what do THEY need ME to be?  How dare I take from someone and not give back.  Do I want to be treated like a princess? Then I better be ready to make someone feel like a prince.  Do I want my weight to fall off? Then I'd better treat my body how it needs to be treated and not give in to that caramel mocha craving.

In my sleepy state this morning I tweeted "How do people expect perfection when they're not perfect? Lower your expectations to your level, or work on bettering yourself!"  What I really meant was...ever since I started bettering myself and being worthy of the things/people I want in my life, I feel great and I want other people to know that too.
Anyway why do I keep thinking about this? I think it's because I've been really relaxed about easing into working out and eating better.  I found myself thinking that I remember back when I was losing over a pound a week, over two pounds.  I was thinking about the effort I made then.  And I certainly didn't go out for Swedish pancakes with lingonberry butter on Sunday mornings.  I didn't rationalize eating an extra serving of rice here and there.  So it's time for me to either lower my expectations or step it up in my actions.

I choose stepping up my actions.  And I'm not going to hope I lose 20 pounds by May for my trip.  (Side note that it doesn't make sense anymore anyway, because my trip was pushed back to June).  I *am* going to lose 20 pounds by this trip, that's a little over a pound a week but I know I can do it because I'm going to put my mind to it.  And who knows maybe I'll lose more, or maybe I'll just work up how long I can jog without feeling like my lungs are exploding.  But it's time for me to step it up.

And write here every day. I get pumped up when I write my blog.  It needs to be more of a priority!

Another pound gone!

Hi!
I know I've been sporadic here and I'm sorry.  I need to figure out how to type up my blog posts while I'm on the bike!  Actually I know how, my friend has this bike desk combination thing that is CRAZY, but I think it would be perfect.  I'm trying to spend my evening down time on the bike.  I don't know if I can really count it as working out because I'm not exerting myself too much, but I'm just doing it to keep moving.  I like how it's worked out so far because I'm down another pound.  Gotta keep it up.  I'm super motivated too, because I've been obsessive about planning my trip to England and Scotland (which has been pushed back to June).

So my lunchtimes have been filled with research on going to the places I'd most like to see and meeting up with friends.  I'll have every moment of the trip planned out months in advance (silly) but I can't help it, when I get excited about something I really go crazy!

There isn't much else going on with me.  I somehow avoided getting sick and am feeling great now, oh and last week when there was ice cream I successfully avoided it, which I am pretty darn proud of!!

Hope you all are doing well, I'll be trying to catch up with all of you today :D

Ice Cream

You guys, there is free ice cream in my office. Right now. Must...avoid....

Sicky sick

I'm home sick from work today, I think I might have caught a nasty cold that my boss had last week. So I'm resting and doing everything I can short of injecting Zicam directly into my bloodstream.  I don't want to get sick, too many exciting things happening.

Yesterday I had some good down time with a friend of mine and I remembered that some days that's exactly what I need.  I get caught up in the little nuances of online life, and I'm not saying I don't love it because I've made so many good friends that way (hey, I met that friend on the internet too!) but it's easy to get caught up in things people say or don't say, do or don't do or what their tone is.

In the end I let yesterday get to me too much.  I skipped lunch, came home and had like 6 Hershey hugs, then for my...lunch/dinner I had one of those fruit and cheese trays from Starbucks.  Not my healthiest day.  Today I'm not going to risk working out or burning too many calories but I'm sticking to some soup (chicken broth loaded with veggies) and lots of water.

Usually when I'm sick I take every opportunity to eat ice cream and be lazy.  I drink loads of juice and I say to myself I deserve it, I'm not feeling well.  Very glad to feel differently today.

also in bonus news, I have mentioned here before and if you have followed or friended me on any social media you know I...love Weezer.  And it turns out they're doing a second Weezer cruise!  Oh my gosh so much to save up for, between my summer UK trip and hopefully next January or so I'll be on a boat with my favorite band sailing to the Bahamas.  Life is good, now let's hope I can keep keeping the little annoyances out of my head and the healthy attitude in!!

Weekend Productivity

I'm going to get to a happier post but I wanted to share my obnoxious morning with you guys.  I woke up in just a great mood, super early just hanging out in bed with my cat (yeah, I'm exciting!).  And there are just some days that old issues come up and one did today, an ongoing thing with someone who is/was my friend, someone who doesn't like me for reasons they're not sharing, just one of those things I have to learn to live with and let go of.  And it's hard to live with and let go of things like that, especially when that person is likely to never be gone from your life, but it's a process and I'm dealing as best I can.  Then one of my best friends got some pretty great news and we celebrated and oh my gosh before 9am I had cried from frustration and cried from happiness.  I am feeling so extra crazy today.

But that's today.  I wanted to tell you guys about the weekend I had. In three days, I only left home to go grocery shopping - but I'm ok with that because I was moving all weekend.  I felt and feel great about it.  I exercised, and cleaned like never before.  Windows are sparkling, everything is a little whiter, and I just feel good.  All of my mess and clutter has congregated in my dining room, in boxes that are neatly stacked, waiting for me to just go through one by one.

I seriously feel good about myself.  I know some of you probably keep your houses spotless, but that is so rough for me.  I've started making a to do list every day, and it has been awesome to check everything off and see it come together.

What's the best part?  Well I don't do weekly weigh ins, or let's say I haven't been sharing my weekly weigh ins but since January 1 I have lost 3.4 pounds.  I'm on my way.  Despite my crazy morning setback I'm feeling really good.  I need to go catch up on all your blogs, but thanks for your support and thanks for being here for me when I'm up and down and awkward and happy and everything else :)

Awkwardsauce

I didn't work out yesterday - I swear I was in bed by 7pm, just in a bit of pain and found it hard to be moving.  Sometimes being a girl is not fun.

This is going to come out of nowhere for most of you, but I've been thinking a lot lately about my shyness.  I am extremely shy in most circumstances, I find it hard to open up to people in person.  No not that, I find it hard to make any kind of conversation or coherent sentences.  It's been difficult for me as long as I can remember, but it's something I can mostly deal with.  A lot of people mistake my shyness for being stuck up or standoffish, and I guess I've been feeling that a little extra lately.

It's just felt like one situation after another where I haven't been physically able to say or do the right thing.  For the most part as an adult I realize that it is not the responsibility of outgoing people to make me feel comfortable.  It's my responsibility.  And I know that I miss out on things because I'm too quiet to speak up, it's just part of life.  On the other hand, there are times that I really feel singled out.  Sometimes at work I feel like I'm the only introvert in an office full of really fun enthusiastic people.  For most people it would be a dream, for me it seems to amplify my awkwardness.  And I love my job for the most part but when I go through these awkward phases - GAH! It's a lot to deal with.

Anyway, I think as part of my goal to be happier I need to take my crippling shyness up a few levels to a mildly introverted status.  Not sure how, I just know I have to get there.  And now it's out there on the internet so I have to do it ;)

Back to my fitness for a second, I'm not going to work out today either. Awful!  Especially since I'll be out to dinner and probably drinking wine and eating things that aren't on anyone's healthy list.  But Friday and the weekend - the wonderful three day weekend - are all about fitness and house cleaning.  Do any of you have any fun plans for the long weekend?

Mini Goal

I am trying a new routine this week of working out at night.  I'll eat dinner somewhat early, do whatever chores or whatnot that I need for the night, get on my bike for a 20-40 minutes and then take a shower and be lazy.

It's working pretty nicely.  This morning I woke up a little sore in the legs but nothing I can't handle.  It's feeling nice so far.

I like to set mini weight goals for myself, it's just easier than looking at the big picture of having to lose as much weight as I'd really like to and I have one now.  I want to lose 20 pounds. By May.  That's a pretty big goal, but it would be nice.  I'm hopefully planning a trip to England in May (and Scotland if I can pull it off), to see my wonderful friends there, some of them to meet in person for the first time!  It would be really great to take my first long flight like that with a bit of an accomplished feeling anyway.

I don't have much else.  I've just been on the lookout for that darned Ikea kitchen island and healthy crock pot recipes.  I hope you are all having good weeks!

January Goals check in

Hi!

I got a lot of good stuff done this weekend.  I had a lot of it planned out which I've found is key for me. I scheduled everything from working out to when I had time to set aside to get my kitchen to-do list done.

And I used my crock pot for the first time and the results were delicious.

This week I have a much more positive outlook than last week which was nice.  Sometimes when I get gloomy it's just impossible to snap out of.  But it's just about the middle of the month so I've been taking a look back at my goals.

For my fitness goal I've been ticking off how much I work off.  I'm trying to get in at least 20 minutes of any particular activity.  It was slow to start but I'm making a good dent in biking and walking.

For my organizational goal I got a bunch of kitchen canisters.  I meant to get a kitchen island, one I've wanted since like 2001.  And Ikea has discontinued it.  Cry cry cry, I'm going to have to look for it on Craigslist and whatnot because I WILL have this kitchen island :)

seriously you guys. it's one of my favorite things ever.

Healthy eating, oh gosh I don't even know.  One of my favorite things at Ikea is their lingonberry soda.  It's got to be as sugary as Kool-Aid.  No way is it good for me and I had two full cups of it.  And then Korean bbq for lunch.  Sunday wasn't too much better, although it was just as delicious.  I had grilled cheese and tomato soup at a friend's house for lunch.  So good.  I get spoiled with food, I know it.

So this week I've got to make up for it and step up my working out.  I've got a few healthy meals picked out.  I found this tip on pinterest to sprinkle a little bit of sugar free jello on apple slices for an awesome candy apple treat.  I tried it this morning and it was SO good!! From the looks of it I barely touched the jello so a little goes a long way.  It totally satisfied my craving for something sweet in the morning.

That's enough rambling. I'll pick a topic tomorrow, but today my brain is all over the place so it's only fitting this post is too.

Hi

I'm not dead.

Just thinking about stuff that is a bit overwhelming and not sure how to condense it down to this blog or if I should.  I've been pretty off on my eating this week.  I had Chinese food.  I've been having good lunches, salads and yogurt and fruit and sometimes a granola bar.

Exercise wise I've been on my bike at home.  I like that I can watch tv while I work out, because it's easy to get distracted from what you're doing.  The more I concentrate on working out the more annoyed I get so distractions are key.

I've been making a sort of year long schedule, looking over my goals and breaking them up into things I can do on a monthly/weekly basis.  I feel like having a plan to get through them all is a good thing.  But...it's super boring to write about.

Anyway this is just a check in.  I promise I haven't just stopped writing again :) I've been reading what you guys are doing and cheering you on all week too!!

<3 k="k">

Bad Day

I had a bad day yesterday.  From start to finish it seemed like an uphill climb.

I slept really poorly that night, had nightmares.  Woke up feeling pretty melancholy and couldn't get started.  I was late leaving for work, I could go on.  I was just in a funk and couldn't bring myself out and it seemed like anything I was trying was just making it worse.

I don't know about you guys, but I have never been able to get out of these moods in a healthy way.  Working out when I'm like this only leads to me being upset that I'm not in better shape.  I beat myself up for not being able to go faster or turn up the resistance.  So I opted for treating myself to a nice salad and some berries for dessert.

But no matter what, I can't shake the idea that if I'd gone out to get some fried rice and a cupcake I'd feel better.

I messed up dinner a bit too, kinda beating myself up about it all.  Then had more nightmares!!

How do you guys deal when you get this way?  I'm still kind of feeling funky...gotta shake it!

10 Goals for 2013

I really had fun making that list the other day.  I love lists.  My OCD brain sees things bulleted and numbered and makes me smile.

I wanted to write out some goals for myself.  My fitness and health goals have historically been all over the place.  When I first started losing weight I wanted to be 120 pounds.  I'm 5'5" so that's not impossible, but let's politely call it "extremely ambitious" - then I thought, well if I hovered around 140-148 at least I wouldn't be technically overweight.  Now, I don't know about numbers.  I'm rethinking a lot.  And as much as this is primarily a weight loss blog, maybe I'm going to start filling you guys in on the other things going on too, and this list is a good way for me to see in one place really what I want to do.

1.  I want to lead an active lifestyle - I want to walk more and run more. Bike more, drive less.  I want to do one of those color runs which I just realized is happening in March here eek I better get prepared!

2.  I want to be organized - I live a messy, cluttered life.  I know I can train myself to come home, put my jacket on a hanger, and be more responsible about where things belong.  I want to have a place for everything and keep it there!

3.  I want to be more thoughtful - I'm not...thoughtless. I just sometimes don't think things all the way through or make connections. Sometimes I forget to check in with friends whose parents are sick, friends who are waiting to hear back on job possibilities.  Sometimes I think a month later, aww I should have gotten that thing for this girl, she'd have loved it!  I want to try to be the person who makes those connections in my head, who follows up and who keeps these important people in mind.

4.  I want to be braver - I have this one friend who over the past year keeps encouraging me to travel.  And I'm very lucky to have friends around the world, well at least in a few countries and all over the US, who would be willing to host me and make sure I'm not wandering alone.  This year I really want to take advantage of that and not let my fears keep me limited to weekend trips here and there.

5.  I want to eat better food - I don't even just mean that I want to eat healthier food, although that's part of it. I guess I just want to eat consciously. I want to become a better cook, especially when it comes to cooking healthy meals full of vegetables and other goodness.  And I want to make better choices when I'm in a grocery store or a restaurant.

6.  I want to be more stylish - I could probably go 2 weeks wearing jeans and the same sweater in different colors.  I probably have (ahh Gap v-necks, I love you). My home is a mish-mash of things I've collected and things people gave me. I want to take this year to do things like buy nicer clothes, and make my place look more put together.  I go for cheapness over quality and I'm trying to move past that to make a put together me.

7.  I want to relax - I used to meditate for an hour every morning and an hour every evening.  Yet in 2012 I probably took the time to do that less than 50 times. With an overactive brain and a lot of stress I need to find ways to just decompress, whether it's meditating or a silly project like learning a language, creating things, anything.

8.  I want to lose weight - I don't know how much.  I don't know when I will either but I'd like to weigh less on January 1 2014 than I did on January 1 2013.

9.  I want to go out - maybe not go out. But be more social.  Every time I sit down and think about it I have a lot of friends I don't see enough.  I'll be making more of an effort to see them and have fun and not sit at home too much!

10. I want to be happier - and to be honest I think working on these other 9 things will make me happier.  But I felt like if I didn't write this goal out specifically I could find myself lost in the others.  I just want to smile every day, and maybe for some people that comes easily but for me I have to remind myself.

So there you have it.  It looks...so ambitious here all spelled out doesn't it!  What do you think can I get the ball rolling on all those in just a year??

12 awesome things from 2012

You guyyyyysssss....

I felt really whiny after yesterday's post.  Maybe not whiny but definitely out of whack.  I feel like I sometimes leave the impression that I've been in a crying void for a year, and that's not how it is.  So I thought, I'm going to come back today and tell you 12 things from 2012 that have been the happiest points of this past year.

1. I got to know myself so well.  And sure I turned out to be messier than I thought I'd be but I also turned out to be way stronger.  Also I turned out to be independent and mildly obsessed with British chocolate.

2. People who I haven't seen in months or even years, think of me when they see unicorns, cupcakes, octopi, happy things.  It's amazing to be associated with happy things, and it's uplifting when you don't feel happy.

3. I'm surrounded by people who taught me that you can lift someone up without pushing anyone else down. That can sometimes be a rough lesson to learn and at times it was hard for me but I'm very grateful I learned it.

4. I have friends here that I didn't know about.  I thought they were acquaintances, or maybe friends of friends, but they aren't, they're MY friends and I'm so lucky :) they are way more amazing than I knew

5. And my friends that I met on the internet, they're real actual friends too.  Way beyond the interests we have in common, they're there for me and make an effort to be a part of my everyday life even if they're across the country.

6. I can't be a vegetarian.  I gave it a really good try, about a year. But I love to eat fish, also chicken.  I don't know if that's one of the happiest points but fish is happy.

7. I can be responsibly irresponsible.  I think this is a very important thing to be able to do, especially as a 30-something girl, and it's awesome.

8. I got to know my favorite rock band (Weezer).  Like personally.  And they've all been so nice to me that I want to pinch myself. Or one of them.

9. Also I've met a ton of Weezer fans and they're so nice. Sometimes they know me from Twitter or somewhere and they come up to me out of nowhere and just have nice things to say. It makes me smile every time I think about it.

10. I'm doing something nicer than I thought I was capable of.  Sure it's for a friend who has been nicer to me than I thought possible, but I've been under a lot of stress trying to make his goals a reality and I've (mostly) been able to not whine about it and to just feel good about being nice.

11. My relationship changed with one of the most important people in my life.  At times I have feared that the relationship was over, or that it was never going to be happy, but I think we proved that when two people love each other they can make it through anything.

12. I found the point between humble and self-depricating and worked my way towards humble.  The theme of 2012 was not believing people could be so nice to me, and feeling like I couldn't possibly deserve it.  But I'm working at realizing that I'm lucky, but that I don't have to feel like I don't deserve it. So I'm going to set out to be as awesome to them as they are to me :)

I feel more positive after that.  I'll come back at you tomorrow and I hope you all have days that are made of rainbow and glitter and all that.

How did I get here?

I wouldn't say my weight loss journey has had its ups and downs.  I don't lose five pounds and gain three, lose ten and gain eleven.  One day, I stepped on to a scale and I saw a big 247 staring back at me.  It was a serious wakeup call.  From there, over the next three years I lost almost 70 pounds.  Some months I was right on course, some months I stayed the same but I didn't regain any substantial weight during that time.  This blog was such a help :) the people I met, they were so inspiring. Some of them have become real friends, which I'm so grateful for.

But at some point, I lost my way.  To say my life fell apart is kind of an understatement.  Yeah maybe I'm dramatic but everything I thought I knew about my life has changed, from what I thought I'd be doing with my days to where I'm sleeping at night.  I can't say that it's all been bad, because I've been working so hard to believe that everything that has happened will lead to bigger and better things for everyone involved.  But what I will say is it's been the most difficult year and a half I've been through.

And I think anyone who used to read my blog knows how I deal with intense unhappiness.  I eat things.  My two major food groups become white rice and gummy candy.  When I was alone or lonely, food was company.  Then when I finally reached out to my wonderful friends who I'd been neglecting, I found that being sad is like being pregnant - everyone wants to give you a hug and a cookie and you take it because you know it means they love you and you're grateful and it makes you feel good.  I was extra grateful for those friends because some people didn't forgive, and some people I couldn't forgive for abandoning me when I needed them most.  And when I mourned those friendships I did so with ooey gooey mac and cheese because it comforted me.

Which brings me to where I am now.  Reading over that to be honest I don't even feel that bad about the choices I made.  I wasn't mentally strong enough to watch what I ate, and I was so intensely trying to stay afloat that I couldn't make working out a priority.  You know what feels really good is that now I do feel strong enough.  I worked out today at lunch.  It wasn't anything big - 12 minutes on the AMT and 10 on the stair machine.  But it was a start, and I feel good today.

I feel like I'm at a good turning point.  I actually feel how I felt a few days after I saw that 247 looking at me - like I have the ability to take control of my life and get it under control.  Sure these days I am working on more than my weight - I'm working on organizing my home and becoming the person I want to be, but I've got this.

Also it feels good to have my workout shoes on again.  It's been too long :)

Planning to Plan

Today I'm looking for an iphone app.  I'm so picky, it gets frustrating after awhile.  So I had to stop because the #1 rule of getting rid of my stress is to stop doing things that stress me out.

What I really want is a schedule to manage my life.  I mean everything from having a notification pop up every other day to scoop cat litter, to friends' birthdays, to my cleaning schedule.  Also I want the app to be pink, also I want it to be pretty, and when I complete a task I want a unicorn to run across the screen, make a sound that is the audio equivalent of glitter and tell me how awesome I am.

Maybe I won't find that last one.  But I've got to at least try :)

I'm back at work even though I'm still in vacation mode. I had sushi for lunch today, left over from Japanese New Year, which is one of my very favorite holidays.  It consists of cooking all day on December 31, then you have the most delicious feast on January 1. I love it.  It's bad for a diet.  It's like rice city.  Also my sister is in town from Missouri, and the family is going out to dinner, so more sushi tonight.  Good thing it is not physically possible for me to tire of rice.

What works for you guys?  Do you plan out cleaning, meals, exercise, all that? I'm open to any and all suggestions.  I've seen binders, spreadsheets...it would be awesome to have an actual recommendation though!

New Year's Resolutions

Happy new year my lovelies  data-blogger-escaped-a="a" data-blogger-escaped-and="and" data-blogger-escaped-another="another" data-blogger-escaped-be="be" data-blogger-escaped-been="been" data-blogger-escaped-blog="blog" data-blogger-escaped-changed="changed" data-blogger-escaped-d="d" data-blogger-escaped-dramatically.="dramatically." data-blogger-escaped-fact.="fact." data-blogger-escaped-figure="figure" data-blogger-escaped-for="for" data-blogger-escaped-going="going" data-blogger-escaped-guess="guess" data-blogger-escaped-has="has" data-blogger-escaped-hi.="hi." data-blogger-escaped-i="i" data-blogger-escaped-in="in" data-blogger-escaped-is.="is." data-blogger-escaped-is="is" data-blogger-escaped-it="it" data-blogger-escaped-just="just" data-blogger-escaped-let="let" data-blogger-escaped-life="life" data-blogger-escaped-long="long" data-blogger-escaped-m="m" data-blogger-escaped-maybe="maybe" data-blogger-escaped-me.="me." data-blogger-escaped-my="my" data-blogger-escaped-nbsp="nbsp" data-blogger-escaped-never="never" data-blogger-escaped-not="not" data-blogger-escaped-or="or" data-blogger-escaped-out="out" data-blogger-escaped-over="over" data-blogger-escaped-p="p" data-blogger-escaped-past="past" data-blogger-escaped-place="place" data-blogger-escaped-post="post" data-blogger-escaped-really="really" data-blogger-escaped-relevant="relevant" data-blogger-escaped-s="s" data-blogger-escaped-say="say" data-blogger-escaped-store="store" data-blogger-escaped-that="that" data-blogger-escaped-the="the" data-blogger-escaped-this="this" data-blogger-escaped-thought="thought" data-blogger-escaped-time.="time." data-blogger-escaped-to="to" data-blogger-escaped-topic="topic" data-blogger-escaped-trying="trying" data-blogger-escaped-what="what" data-blogger-escaped-where="where" data-blogger-escaped-year="year">
(edited to ask what is all THAT junk above?? I wrote about my life changing dramatically and apparently blogspot wanted to say it in a crazy way)

I  tend to take my new year's resolutions very seriously. I think a lot about what it is I want to focus on in my life, what it is that I want to improve about it.  I try not to set any unrealistic goals.  This year it was difficult.  Having so little direction is confusing.  But I've decided on a good one, and my resolution is to make an active effort every day to reduce my stress.

I've talked about my OCD in this blog before, and many of you know that I am a giant ball of nerves and stress - and that's something I want to help change.  Whether or not that leads to more than just this lone blog post, we will see.  My hope is that it will help me in the way that it did before, and ease a stress that's been plaguing me for months...my weight.  Yep, I'm back up there.  And every pound that I worked so hard to lose and is now around my waist is causing me so much stress!!

I hope you've all been doing well. I miss all of you that I used to talk with so much...I hope you'll leave comments with links to your blogs if you're still writing so I can see what you're up to!

And I hope 2013 is as amazing a year for you as I'll try to make it for myself!

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