I'm the Biggest Winner!! (ish)

Well in complete honesty I came in second place.  But I am calling it a win that I came in first for my office...as I don't know any of the people down there in southern CA!

Today was really great beginning to end - er, now.  For our healthy breakfast potluck, I brought fruishi - fruit sushi that was like little nigiri.  It turned out awesomely!!!  I loved it.  Sushi rice covered in a bit of light coconut milk and splenda - and I topped it with various fruits.  I used pineapple, mandarin orange, strawberry and raspberry, I think raspberry was my favorite.  They were only about 40 calories each and so yummy (I can't wait to have some of the leftovers for dessert!).

I also HATED talking in front of people which was hilarious because out of all the people in that room there was only one I haven't had quite a few conversations with.  Anyway I babbled and I think I repeated myself and completely forgot what it is I meant to talk about...but it's ok because it was short and then it was over!

When it came time to announce the winners I was so nervous...I know I had done well but honestly I kept thinking about how embarrassed I would be if after all my coworkers built me up I didn't even place!  But I shouldn't have worried because I know that the real win was getting healthier and not winning wouldn't have been the end of the world.  And then I saw that the first place winner had lost less than 1% more than me and I just KNEW!

During the Biggest Winner competition at work I lost 24 pounds, or 11.2% of my body weight.  I set out to lose at least 10% and thought it was a lofty goal, but August was such a great month for me that I just couldn't believe I had done so well.  I lost the highest percentage of weight on the final 2 weigh ins!!  And I lost the highest percentage of weight in my entire office...but let's be honest, I couldn't have done it without the support and encouragement of everyone that participated and I hope I properly let them know in my mini-speech.  I am so incredibly shy that getting to know people was the biggest blessing and the best part of it.  Ok the weight loss was great but let's be fair, I was on that track anyway.  It was every walk that I met a new person or had a good conversation.

I won a few fabulous things...another gas card, personal training, some supplements and a rolly-up blanket...haven't decided what if anything I'm going to give away but I'll be sure to keep you updated!!  And that's not the best part.  The best part was Monday when Michele asked me if I wanted to go on a walk - and I couldn't, but Elizabeth and I did today, and it was just as intense as any of the ones we've done before.  Such a little thing, but it makes me feel like it's NOT over...I still have a long way to go and I am really happy to know that those girls are still going to be walking with me until I get there...or...until it rains, but we'll worry about that later!

For all that I haven't found my groove yet like I was talking about yesterday, I am doing something right.  Today for some reason I am feeling better about not having a routine, like maybe my routine is just to constantly try new things?  I don't really know what I'm saying other than...I feel like my non-routine worked, so I'm going to stop whining about it.  For a little while anyway!

Not to mention that after my complete Chinese food pig out I was still down on the scale from yesterday so woo hoo to that :) what an awesome day!!

Weekend Fail, Routine Cravings and Weigh In

First of all, don't you want a $100 gas card?  Because I would really love it to go to one of my fabulous regular readers, because the whole reason I am giving it away is to show YOU how much I adore and appreciate you!!  If you have already entered good luck, if not go do it now!!

I meant to be vegan and organic this weekend.  I did well on Saturday, except that I got chicken in my salad without thinking.  But for the most part I was super healthy.  But I realized Sunday that I needed to do a test run on these healthy muffins I wanted to make for the Biggest Winner potluck.  It was my first foray into gluten free baking, as one of the girls in my department has a gluten free diet.  But, it didn't work out.  I made six batches with about 6-8 mini muffins per batch and EVERY SINGLE ONE came out gross (that's not true, one was kind of ok but looked like purple rocks....).

Those of you who know me in real life know I'm a baker.  I love to bake and I'm good at it, whether I'm making boxed cupcakes or super fancy bread or whatever.  So this has brought down my entire weekend.  I've never spent a day in the kitchen and come out frustrated before so this is a big hurdle.  At the end of the day I scrapped the whole thing and I'm making something non baked.  Found a recipe for fruit bruschetta that looks so pretty, I may just do that.

It just doesn't erase the frustration, you know?  And the frustration that I can't just make some really delicious buttery sugary high fat muffins was there too.  Ok, rant over.

Anyway, my frustration carried into this morning, and was not overcome by my awesome weigh ins.  First my weigh in at home:
Last week’s weight: 192.5
Current weight: 190.2
Pounds lost this week: 2.3

Woo hoo!

And then my awesome work weigh in:
Last weigh in: 194.0
Today's weigh in: 189.8
% loss: 2.16% - that's for 2 weeks.  I will tell you all my final % during the Biggest Winner tomorrow!
 
So after that I don't understand how I can still feel frustrated but I do.  I want to go home and try MORE muffin recipes which I know is not going to do me any good.  I guess I'm just feeling a bit obsessive.
 
I am REALLY happy with my loss this week.  I am continuing to feel like I'm right on track with my weight loss and I'm loving it.  I love where I'm headed and having OCD I have a fabulous spreadsheet that tells me things like, how many pounds a week I have to lose to be X weight by X date and some other fun things to play around with.
 
There is something that has been bugging me though and it's my lack of routine.  Testing out different things throughout this month and trying to find sustainable healthy habits has been taking a toll on me.  I am a creature of habit, and the part of weight loss and especially fitness where you have to change up your routine is really difficult for me.  I'm enjoying eating all kinds of healthy food, but I think I may take a mini vacation from it this week.  I'm allowing myself to have a little break where I eat some foods I've been trying to cut out of my life.  I don't know what it is about me, but I feel like I don't have the right balance and I'm trying to figure out what to eat and how often and how much and all of those things - but I'm not finding the right combination with the results I want.  I feel like food wise I'm right on the tip of having a routine and a good balance but I'm just not there yet.
 
And the limbo of trying new things is making me crave sweet and sour fish.  People in my life are probably really tired of hearing me talk about it, but I've been craving it for awhile, even though I really didn't feel great the last time I had it.  Why is it that eating is so emotional?  Knowing how great my body feels eating these fresh veggies and fruits all the time, I just don't understand why nothing makes me feel as good in my head as rice with sweet and sour fish.  I don't get ME!
 
But I'll continue to try to embrace it and work forward.  And maybe scheduled indulgences will be what works for me, to eat really healthy stuff and give myself a time limit, like every X days I can have food that will make me feel awful but happy at the same time.  Or once a month I'll have a certain week where...um...let's just say craving bad food seems more urgent than other weeks and I'll allow myself a few indulgences and some chocolate or something.  Whatever it is, I just want to figure it out, start it and get into a routine with it.  Then I'll feel so settled!  That's the hope anyway.
 
Ohhhhh I've gotten to the point in my blog where I hate how whiny I have been!  All right let's end on a fabulous note.  Husbandcake, who has been gone since Saturday morning, comes home today!  He was in Vegas with his cousin and their friends/fantasy football league having a super fun time (and today he happened to see that there's a Valentino boutique in Caesar's, soooo...I'll be going to Vegas sometime soon) and I missed him like crazy.  So I could not be any happier that he's headed home tonight!!
 
See?  Don't you love happy endings?  It puts everything in perspective.  No muffins?  No routine?  Who cares, my husband is on his way to the airport to come home to me RIGHT NOW!!

Very Happy Friday!!

Here is a list of things that are making me especially happy today.

1. I’m wearing pants – or at least I was when I got to work (changed into my walking skirt for the walk!).

Those of you who have been with me from the beginning will remember that I don’t wear pants. These are those pants that I bought in March, except they’re looser now and I was not wearing either of those suuuuuuper gross body shapers that are so awful and uncomfortable. I got so many comments already from coworkers and I felt really good about the way I look, to the point that maybe just maybe I will wear the pants a little more often. Of course…I did still wish I was wearing a dress, old habits are hard to break!

2. Surprise goat cheese

Yeah…we had a meeting this morning and I kept trying to repeat to myself that I’d only eat healthy stuff today. And then I saw the quiche. Oh, my friends, if I could explain to you how much I love quiche. So I took a little slice, and on my first bite there was goat cheese. Which is one of my very favorite things. I had to have a second slice. I’m giving myself lego blocks for not having the one with bacon though!
3. Good friends
Especially today it’s making me happy to have good friends to vent to. Friends who know that whatever is driving you insane that second might not matter tomorrow and they see the whole picture and keep things in perspective. Also friends who vent to you and YOU are the one that knows that they don’t really mean things and you can keep it in perspective too.

4. My rings are loose
My guess is that within the next 5-10 pounds I’ll have to get them sized down! I may have to do that more than once but I can’t handle not wearing them for however many months it takes me to reach my goal. Plus I have the best jeweler in the world, so any excuse to visit him makes me happy.

5. Last lunchtime walk
Last OFFICIAL lunchtime walk that is. It was a great one. I hadn’t walked up the big hill in I think a week or so, so it felt really good. I kept up with Elizabeth (or maybe it was just that we were the only two!) and I was out of breath a lot but felt really good.

6. My Bodybugg!
I recently redid my whole Bodybugg program. For awhile I had my goal weight in there as 120, changed it to 150, but there is a smaller, more happy goal that I will share with you guys when I get there (should only be a month or so away) and I get SO much more excited seeing that I’m so close to it. I feel like I should set a new goal for every 4 pounds just so I can really see all that progress.
7. CUPCAKES
’ve been “off” of cake so long, I am not about to end my cakeless streak with just any old grocery store bad icing confection. Oh no. I have had an inkling for a few days (I guess that birthday cake that was in the office really DID get to me!) that I want cake and I am planning to do it the right way, with amazing cake, with fabulous people. At American Cupcake where I will replace a lunch with a flight of cupcakes paired with wine. Cannot imagine. Also their mixed drinks look delightful and amazing. Champagne with sprinkles? Yes please, sign me up! I deserve a treat…so keep your fingers crossed that it works out for me!!

8.  It’s making me happy to see people entering to win the $100 gas card. Come on you guys, who wouldn’t appreciate the extra $100…so enter!

Beloved Me! and Blog Hop

Good afternoon lovelies! I hope you all saw the giveaway I posted earlier!! I love being able to give back to you guys who give me everything, the support to keep going and the inspiration I need every day! I just really appreciate everything.

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2573 calories
Consumed 1618 calories
Deficit of 955 calories

Yesterday my afternoon was so stressful. I had the worst bit of insecurity that was just weighing me down. It was one of those things where there was confusion about whether or not people wanted me around…and it’s hard to ask people outright if they want you there, especially a group of people, because there’s no answer other than “of course!” even if they really don’t. It’s just. so. awkward. And of course instead of letting it go, my gloriously miswired brain obsessed about it and came to the conclusion that Husbandcake is the only one who likes having me around, and anyway that’s just because he promised in his vows and he’s an upstanding guy. Oh, what must it be like to not go from tiny doubt to super crazy in about 4 seconds! Will I ever know for myself?

Meanwhile the power was out at my house…so…I kinda had something not healthy. Not super UNhealthy but…I had frozen yogurt. It was actually exactly what I need on an absurdly hot day, to have something very cold and refreshing. I only ended up at 196 calories for the whole thing. Not a bad indulgence if I do say so myself, but surprisingly I’m feeling extremely guilty. Yeah I know that I can’t go without treats – I get that. But I didn’t go because it was hot out. I didn’t go because I was REALLY craving fro yo. I went because I was upset and I felt like nobody liked me. I don’t consider myself an emotional eater but…I probably am. I do crave sweets when Husbandcake is gone. I crave sweets when I feel lonely for any reason I guess. I hate overcoming these struggles. It’s not the number of calories, it’s not the frozen yogurt itself. It’s feeling like I have this problem with eating and no matter how far I come I still feel like I’m pulled back into it.

Anyway, as usual, I have a ton of friends waiting by to let me know that they do want me around, and…as usual…they make me feel silly for even doubting that I had them all along. It doesn’t matter that the original people may or may not want me around in this one instance. I’ve made so many changes in my life and the one that’s hardest to make is in my head. Losing this weight is not at all the biggest change I’ve made, and it’s nowhere near the hardest to let go of. It’s much more of a struggle to let go of the misunderstood or unliked girl that I was at one point. It’s hard to accept that my support system, you included…is REAL. And that you actually like me.

I do wish that for all the amazing people in my life, who I work hard to never take for granted, I could let go of this insecurity and just feel confident that they and you are always there for me without having to constantly be reassured.

Heh heh…sounds like a September goal…

Even after that, Super Healthy August is still in effect, in fact the last four days I’m going back to my short term vegan organic food that I ate at the beginning to remind myself of how good it felt and get back to all healthy deliciousness.

But can I just say one last thing about frozen yogurt? I have a love hate relationship with those places where you serve your own. Love the ability to choose my toppings and amounts and the popularity of fabulous Asian-y flavors. It’s just that I got a GOOD amount of yogurt yesterday and my cup wasn’t even half full. They make you feel cheated! It’s so easy to just fill the cup and then suddenly you have over a half pound of frozen yogurt and toppings!! At home I choose what I eat out of VERY carefully. Small plates, small bowls, eat soup out of a mug. It makes me feel like I am having a full container of whatever I’m eating and I don’t feel like I’m cutting back. For some reason eating two rice bowls of salad is SO much more satisfying than having the same amount taking up half of a huge plate. So please, frozen yogurt places…put out some smaller cups too so we can feel like we’re having a big dessert treat and not like we’re on a dreaded (ugh) DIET!

Rant over, gratefulness for my loved ones setting in, and fabulous plans tonight with a really good friend. My day of rest from exercise, unless I get an inkling to Wii Fit which I haven’t done in awhile. I’m content and it’s nice.

Well I've already felt the love today - now go show some to these fine bloggers!

$100 GAS CARD GIVEAWAY!

I mentioned that I won the prize for losing the highest percentage of weight in the Biggest Winner last week.  I am still so excited for it and it's keeping me focused this week but I also got a fabulous prize for it...a $100 gas card!!  Everyone including me can really use this prize, but as I have a Prius I'm already pretty lucky on gas savings so it's all for YOU GUYS again!!!!

The giveaway is going to work a lot like last time with one difference - if you have more than one entry you MUST post more than one comment.  On the Bodybugg giveaway I entered comments for a lot of people who had multiple entries in one comment but it was exhausting, so this time enter 10 comments if you have 10 entries to be sure you have ALL those chances to win!!

I want to give you as many opportunities to win as possible, so if you really want it you can have a ton of entries and if you are only kinda interested you can have one. Doesn’t that sound great?! Every entry needs to have your email address on it or if I know you in person your name so I can reach you easily if you win!

****This giveaway will end at midnight on Thursday September 2 with the winner announced on Friday so you have a TON of time to win - 8 days worth of entries!!****

The first entry, the required entry, is to follow my blog publicly (click follow over on the right hand side of my blog and follow the directions!) – so leave a comment with your username!

Then there are a ton of additional entries!!

The easiest is to leave a second comment telling me what your absolute favorite dream car is.

Drool...mine is a Bentley Continental.  Don't worry, in my dream world it's a hybrid and very earth friendly!

Facebook:
Become a fan of like a fat kid loves cake (1 entry) - post if you already are a fan too and I will try to remember to keep up that page!!

Post a status update linking to this giveaway and tagging like a fat kid loves cake (1 entry per day – up to 8 total!) If you don’t know how to tag in a Facebook update click here.  Make sure you actually explain what the link is for - you have to mention that it's a $100 gas card giveaway!

Friend me on Facebook – or post if you are already my friend (1 entry)

Twitter:
Follow @KyokoCake on twitter (1 entry)

Tweet about the giveaway (1 entry per day – up to 8 total!) – and don’t forget to link back to it in your comment so that everyone knows how awesome you are and they can follow you too! Make sure you tag me, and add and other subjects that will help get more people to this opportunity, like: RT @KyokoCake #giveaway Win a $100 gas card! http://bit.ly/aooqUD

Blog:
Mention this giveaway on your blog and link back here (1 entry per day – up to 8 total!) – and don’t forget to include a link to your blog post!

Dedicate an entire blog post just to this giveaway (2 extra entries – one time only, and be sure to leave two comments)

Oh my goodness that is 31 chances to win. 31 chances for you to get $100 gas card! So get to it!!

Various Biggest Winner things!

What a liar, I said I was back and then I did not post yesterday. My lovely friends I just did not have time. I was so busy…ok I tried to lie again but honestly the truth is that I got home and Husbandcake had bought me the super amazing world ending huge blu ray set of Lost. I LOVE Lost. I spent an entire day driving all over the island of Oahu JUST to look at Lost filming sites (oh and to find Dave’s favorite bbq place). And then I almost cried in a restaurant when I met Daniel Dae Kim, who played my favorite character, and Michael Emerson who is also on the show and had a fabulous conversation with them. So you can see I was just not able at all to post!


Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2396 calories
Consumed 1372 calories
Deficit of 1024 calories

And here is how I did Tuesday:
Burned 2476 calories
Consumed 1428 calories
Deficit of 1048 calories

It is HOT. It’s almost too hot to exercise. My lunchtime walk yesterday was lonely as nobody else wanted to brave the awful heat outside. And I almost didn’t – but it’s the last week of the Biggest Winner competition and I am fully committed to finishing STRONG. Today there were three of us but…man, it was so absurdly tiring and I couldn’t bring myself to walk over and get my lunch out of the fridge until an hour or so after we got back!

Oh! I said I had another giveaway as I won the Biggest Winner prize last week. I am hoping to put it up tomorrow, so watch out for that! It’s a really awesome prize that EVERYONE can use (ok almost everyone) so I hope you all will enter. Tee hee…I’m so excited!!

But speaking of the Biggest Winner competition that has unexpectedly become the theme of this blog…I was asked by the fabulous girl who is running it to say a few words at the finale event. What? Just about how the competition has gone for me and things like that, and it will only be a few minutes (there are other people that will be speaking too!). I’m not um, great with public speaking. I’m really shy in person and I don’t speak as well as I write. So what do I talk about? What do I say? Besides of course that I owe it all to other people! It is all you guys and your support and your words of wisdom and tales of caution! It’s all the people at work for all their encouragement and their company on walks.

Any ideas? What should I talk about? What is inspiring? I have a ton of unformed ideas rattling in my head but having a bit of trouble focusing them!

Now I'm REALLY Back (with a weigh in!)

I woke up this morning feeling like MYSELF. Maybe all I needed was a really great weekend to get me back in the right frame of mind. I’m in a great mood, looking forward to a super healthy week to finish out Super Healthy August, and I’m going to transition into Mostly Healthy September.

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2354 calories
Consumed 1389 calories
Deficit of 965 calories

I have to get back to my land of 1000 calorie deficits every day. I miss them and I feel lazy when I burn so few calories. However it was worth it yesterday to feel a bit lazy, because it was a great day. Food wise my last week has been pretty bad. High calorie bad foods, and even though I didn’t eat a lot of them, they ate up my allotted calories like crazy. Food wise, the low of the week was Friday’s dinner. We were out with friends to a delicious dinner, ate a tapas-size plate of chicken and went to a play. Had a fabulous time…and then got home and realized that I’d eaten too much. It’s not that there was too much food or anything like that – it’s that I KNEW I wasn’t hungry anymore and kept eating. That knocked a good section out of my lego tower, that I haven’t completely rebuilt yet. I know I absolutely have to learn when to stop eating if I ever want to maintain a lower weight.

And I think I will, it is just taking longer than expected. Some things are so much easier in my structured kitchen where I portion the food out and then put it away in the refrigerator out of sight.

Saturday was not so much better with the food, I was up in Sacramento having a wedding dress outing with Jen, and we went out to lunch at this place that had mostly fried food. And yes, they had salads. Not the healthiest salads with all the add ins but they had them, and I just couldn’t bring myself to eat them – even after the guilt and stomach ache of the night before. So I had a grilled cheese sandwich. And it was delicious but literally tasted like it had been deep fried in butter. Regretting that one too. and then there was last night – I made chicken soup, and it was SO good, and so low calorie so I sat down to a nice big bowl of it…and then took a giant bite of Husbandcake’s Pasta Roni. Creamy, cheesy Pasta Roni. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I hadn’t taken another giant bite later, or that third bite. I woke up this morning just feeling determined – determined to not let this turn into a week of messing up. I really made a commitment to myself to be healthy this month, to see what changes in my life I can make to be healthier and eat better, and I want to get back to it and finish the month strong.

Let’s move on to something happier. Weigh in!
Last weigh in weight (2 weeks ago): 197.0
Last week’s weight (I didn’t post but still weighed!): 194.0
Current weight: 192.5
Pounds lost this week: 1.5

I know that’s not a huge loss compared to what I've been doing but earlier in the week I was down lower – this weekend did me in! So today I’m on top of my water consumption, have some extremely delicious and very healthy foods to be eating and I feel really happy. All that seems like it’s going to band together to help get the rest of the weight off. Yay!

More good news – I know I was so excited to win that Bodybugg for you guys and give it away but I got a more important win than a participation prize this past week. I lost the highest percentage of weight in the last weigh in. That’s what it is all about to me – not starving myself, but eating healthy and seeing the results I want to see. I am so happy, I can’t even tell you guys. Also…I did win a prize, and I am going to give it away on the blog so watch for it next week.

I’m going to end by saying that it’s really nice to be back. I’ve heard from quite a few of you who have struggled with depression and I just know that some of you will really understand what a great feeling it is to feel like yourself again, to not have the melancholy ruling your brain! It’s a great feeling and has given me awesome motivation for work today and the lunchtime walk. How’s that for a change of tone since last time??!

Mourning the Losses

I know I said I’d be writing this a few days ago but I just didn’t have the time...not just the time it took to write it but the time to recover emotionally from writing it all, as I've been so all over the place. I want to thank all of you for your wonderful comments on my blog. You guys are sweet and supportive and believe me if there was a group of people I would share the needy, desperately unhappy side of me with, it would be you. Alas, the issues in my head are a bit too strong for that, and the similarity between the way I had been feeling and the person I used to be was too much for me to deal with.
I’ve realized something about the 55.6 pounds I’ve lost since January of 2009. It’s a LOSS. Not just a loss of weight but of a part of me. That’s not to say I was defined by my weight because I don’t believe I ever really was, but losing weight the way I am is bound to change more than my total pounds. I’ve changed my life, and the recent big losses have really opened my eyes to the fact that I need to mourn my old life, my old self. So here we go, I will work through all seven stages of grief and come out better on the other side.

Denial
How many times have I posted that my clothes don’t fit on this blog? And I still continued to be surprised. I was so surprised every time I looked on the scale and in the mirror. I forget that what I’m doing is working and tend to beat myself up over making these tiny mistakes. I also denied the change in my life. I denied to myself that a lot of our life was wrapped up in food and eating, because that would make me have to admit that more of our life was changing than I intended. Denial was easy, it was a place I blissfully spent a lot of time until I was unfortunately yanked out of it mostly due to last week’s fight with Husbandcake.

Guilt
I’ve had to come to a very harsh reality. Losing weight in this way has been going so well. I have worked hard to change my lifestyle, my thought processes, everything. I’ve tested out many things and tried to realize what was sustainable long term and what wasn’t. It sounds exactly right when I write it down but I was just SO focused on that, I wasn’t paying attention to anything else. And the other things are the most important to me. I am a person who defines myself by my marriage. My lifestyle IS my marriage, I can’t honestly say that anything else comes close. Yet there I was, trying to cram my entire life into my weight loss plan. I stopped eating dinner with Husbandcake, because I eat two small meals in a night. You’re just not really sharing a meal with someone when you’re eating separate dinners and just happen to be on the same sofa. I just neglected my marriage, I neglected his feelings because he’s bound to have feelings on my changing life, my changing body, my changing everything.

Saying it brings the guilt rushing back. I claim to be someone who lives their life to make one person happy, and I have spent the past month not caring about whether he’s happy at all. It’s a horrible thing. We’re both at fault after our fight, I was not the only one to blame but neither was he. It always takes two people and we both accept our part in it, but it’s been tough for me to deal with.

Anger
Oh, swift-acting anger and how soon it came after guilt. Why should doing the right thing be hard? Why should changing my life, being healthier, getting better, walking faster is somehow leading to me being SAD. Why is it that the more I like myself in the mirror the less things are going right? We all know, deep down – every one of us that is trying to lose weight knows that taking our extra weight off is not going to solve all of our problems. Some of us even realize that it will cause new problems and we just have to hope they are more manageable than the old ones. But dealing with the reality of the new problems is something I just didn’t anticipate. It’s led to a lot of bitterness, and at times I’ve asked myself if the stress is worth it. And then my skirt falls off when I stand up and I think, oh…ok, yeah it is. See how quick the anger went by? Easy come easy go I guess.

Bargaining
Honestly for a few days I was exercising like crazy, really trying to have NO treats even my obligatory little pieces of cheese and my thought process was this – if I lose this weight NOW, as fast as I can, it will be better and it will be over. Silly Kyoko. All I did was start a cycle of being too tired to do anything at all, even the smallest amounts of exercise. I know I can’t do that, I know even if I did it wouldn’t make anything better. This is a lifestyle change that just HAS to be done. And changes have to be made on both my part and Husbandcake’s – and there is no short cut around it.

Depression
Now comes the worst of all of it. it’s the realization that no matter what I do it’s a struggle. And it is much more than the struggle of “do I or do I not have this extra cookie”, it’s just tough. I don’t want to write too much about it because I don’t want to get sucked back into that way of thinking. Depression for me is this serious all consuming horrible thing that leads to more horrible things. We’ll just leave it at the fact that it was difficult to see past my problems and on to not only the solutions but the fact that at the end of this process, no matter how rough, things will get to be better than they were when I started. I get it now. I really do.

Recovery
Recovery is where I’m at. I feel like the last two weeks of my life have been significantly over-dramatized even to myself. It’s weird to feel such a serious loss over something that isn’t that serious (I mean compared to losing a loved one or a pet, having an illness, that type of thing). It’s a loss of a lifestyle that I loved though, and I am and always will be a huge fan of letting yourself feel all your feelings, good and bad give them the weight they deserve and really work through them.

I’ve learned that a lot of what is physically sustainable with regards to eating habits hasn’t been emotionally sustainable. I didn’t ever consider it. I’m not physically craving certain things, I’m craving sharing a meal with someone, someone who is not so keen on eating the healthy food that I need to be giving myself now. And I know I’ll be able to find a solution…I just…haven’t, yet.

Acceptance
How about let’s make a deal – I’ll let you know when I get there, and in return you’ll hope for me that it’s soon!

I am doing better now.  Noticeably better.  I am ready to get back to blogging and sharing, and I'm ready to get back to a positive place where I can have this last week of my Biggest Winner competition and finish strong, have a sense of accomplishment and then really move forward.  I truly hope that by sharing this I'm helping someone else - anyone else - deal with any lingering crazy feelings that go along with changing their life for the better.  My plan is to take a long rest after getting all that out, and then go on to have a wonderful day.  I hope the same for all of you!!

I'm Back!

I’ve been a bad blogger. I’ve neglected my wonderful readers who I care about so much! It’s just that I’ve been really down and negative and I hate being that way – I hate everything about it. I hate people knowing how down I get, and I hate people seeing my inability to snap out of it. I hate the ups and downs of it, that I can feel so happy doing something and the second it’s over I’m super mopey again. I hate that I feel like I’m always whining to you guys and it’s no different than begging for sympathy or fishing for compliments.


I know that’s silly, I know you guys are all really sweet and understanding people. It's just tough for me to be that person who spreads her negativity. To put those thoughts out in the world…well I can’t imagine how it could do anything but infect other people, which is the last thing I would want. It’s because in the past, I’ve handled unhappiness so poorly and run the extremes between hiding it and dumping it on anyone who is unfortunate to be near me. In addition to my OCD related paranoia (I did manage to hide my OCD from friends, family and even my husband for 10+ years of my life) I have had problems with depression for years and years. I went through a time (middle school through college, so almost half my life) where I couldn’t deal with my problems or my depression properly, including a time in high school where it came to a point that I tried to harm myself. After that it was various medications with various side effects and throughout all of it I acted in a way that made everything worse for myself and those around me.

All I thought I wanted that whole time was sympathy and understanding. Now I realize that I wanted people to give, give, give to me emotionally even though I had nothing to spare for them. And I’d get annoyed or even angry at people who I thought weren’t taking my feelings into account even though they had no idea what I was going through, yet I didn’t ever bother to care about their feelings and problems. Of course, everyone’s problems are going to be more important to them than other people – maybe with the exception of a few very rare relationships or a marriage. I just didn’t realize that there was a world outside the pit of despair that was my own head. Now of course I understand that it’s not realistic for even the best of people to carry on a friendship with someone who takes and expects so much but can’t give you anything – so of course a bunch of teenage girls could never handle the stress of that and so many friendships ended in so many horrible ways and hurt feelings. It was so horrifyingly painful to learn this lesson that even just writing it out brings tears to my eyes. And that’s the reason that I don’t ever want to go down a road where I ask people for things again, because I don’t want to get any closer to that person I used to be.

I do have serious but non-mopey things to write about. How feeling successful in my weight loss threw me into such a dark and confusing place, how I’m dealing with it now and doing better, and how climbing out has even been hard as completely unrelated stress is weighing me down – but I AM getting out of it. It’s taken me days as it’s emotional to write but I think so relevant to all of us that are trying to lose a lot of weight, and I am hoping it’s ready for you to read tomorrow. I started writing this whole blog post about the things that have gone on in the past two weeks, from my fight with Husbandcake through last night, but I just don’t want to relive it. We will just say it’s been a rough time for awhile and I’m very, very grateful that Husbandcake gets home tonight!

But it’s also been a reminder of the love in my life and the great people I am surrounded with. I credit those people with so much of what makes me like myself. They inspire me to be better every day. They offer to come by and eat carrot sticks with me at my house when I’m not eating out and I’m tired. They think through my problems and give me this amazing feedback and the insight of someone who isn’t in the thick of things. They get out of bed way before they need to and come to my house to fix my plumbing when I can’t reach an emergency plumber, and some of them are nice enough to go out and buy parts, fix my shower while I’m at work, and then invite me for dinner so I don’t have to eat alone. They send me emails even though they don’t know me in person, even though we’ve never had a conversation before, they want me to know they will be there for me. My alienating so many people in past parts of my life has taught me that not everyone has that and it makes life so much better. That’s probably why I talk about it just so much, because just saying it once doesn’t really express how much joy the people in my life bring me.

I didn’t put my calories for yesterday, because for my dinner I mixed some of my low calorie soup with the significantly higher calorie version I made for Husbandcake and I have no clue how many calories it was! But rest assured I have done well. The one exception being the mini binge of strawberry liquorice from Trader Joe’s, of which I had about 150 calories’ worth by the end of the day. But it’s okay, I could have done oh so much worse!

Anyway if you made it through all of that I want to thank you so much. I really love sharing with you guys when I am at a place where I feel like I have things in perspective.  Just like all of you have been so sweet and giving to me, I wish I was always able to send you nothing but positivity and happiness!

Good News Sandwich

Good news and bad news my lovelies. Actually I’ll make it a good news sandwich – a good thing, a bad thing and another good one, how is that? In fact, you should probably go MAKE a sandwich to eat while you read this because I’m warning you it’s going to be LONG. I meant to sit for a minute this morning and catch up with blog comments when I did the blog hop but I ended up running really late and didn’t get a chance to. It’s just as well, none of you need me to spread any mopeyness that I might be feeling. My first good news is that I have officially canceled all of my weekend plans (except my hair appointment, because nobody needs to get a lesson in just how grey haired a 29 year old can be). I’m going to RELAX, no exercise, I will eat a ton of vegetables and watch movies or something fun. That is GREAT news.


Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2092 calories
Consumed 1455 calories
Deficit of 637 calories – ugh. But I guess it couldn’t be helped.

Here is how I did Tuesday:
Burned 2830 calories
Consumed 1507 calories
Deficit of 1323 calories

So the bad news, and this is more annoying than bad, is that I’m going crazy…let me explain why. I’m exhausted. I’ve over-used that word since Monday but let me tell you that my brain is TOO TIRED to come up with a synonym. Monday I was just tired, I’m always tired if I haven’t had what I deem to be a relaxing enough weekend. Tuesday I felt like I was too tired, like something might be wrong. Then Tuesday night things went downhill.

I wish I could convey to you my relationship with Husbandcake, of course I think it is the best marriage someone could dream of. We are needy, and miss each other after only a few minutes of being apart, and we are compassionate, because we both have faults like everyone and we have learned to be accepting of each others’. We don’t have Serious Fights. When I say don’t I mean since we moved in together in 2001, we’ve had three Serious Fights, and I guess I qualify serious by two things. First, the arguments lasted longer than 20 minutes which is rare enough and second, the fights were actually about us, as opposed to just being two people who needed to blow off steam because they were annoyed about something unrelated. We bicker back and forth, we annoy each other (and I vent to my friends, but still feel comfortable telling him exactly what I say to them), but at the end of the day I don’t live by “don’t go to bed mad” – I live by “don’t be mad for more than 10 minutes” and that is a blessing that not a lot of people can manage.

This picture of us all happy is to soften the blow ahead...

With that in mind we had a Serious Fight Tuesday night. The biggest fight we’ve had in almost three years. It lasted about an hour and involved both of us leaving the house for periods of time to calm down, something that has never happened before. It might have lasted longer…but as we were really getting to working stuff out I got so tired I couldn’t stand up anymore. I could hardly even sit up and I was thinking that I wonder if this is why people are hospitalized for exhaustion. Of course, I know I am completely overly dramatic and I mostly attributed my shaky legs to that, and we went to sleep pretty soon after that with the promise to talk more the next day (we did, and everything is good again, with plans to keep it from getting to that point again).

Of course, after that I woke up the next morning to a cat on my pillow and my eyes puffy and red. I am allergic to those darn cats and when they sleep near my face I am sneezy and feel awful in the morning. Between that, my stomach ache and the fact that I could barely stumble into the bathroom – I just had to take my stomach medication and stay home. But it felt (feels?) like the world was ganging up on me and I just don’t get why. I was doing SO WELL, feeling so happy and thinking of all the milestones I’ve had in the past two weeks. It could just be that all the changes are too overwhelming and my body, pets and subconscious were all trying to get me to stop and calm down. So I listened.

I slept almost all day yesterday off and on. I tried to watch March of the Penguins maybe four times, but kept sleeping through it. I didn’t feel groggy necessarily but still felt so drained. Emotionally, physically, mentally I had nothing to give even to myself. I barely burned 2000 calories all day long. I ate soup almost all day because despite the warm weather and beautiful day I felt cold. I spent the moments that I was awake talking to Husbandcake about serious things, having some really good conversations and enjoying being near him.

All that, while significant, is only the background for today’s bad stuff. So after my day yesterday I expected to wake up feeling at least a little rested. I felt so much better emotionally but still am feeling physically like I ran a marathon yesterday. I got ready this morning, and sat at my computer for a minute before seeing the time and rushing to leave the house. We crate our puppy Chips, he is potty trained for the most part but anytime we’re gone longer than a couple of hours, he’s just not too trustworthy. Usually he runs into the crate, he loves it and sleeps there a lot and knows that he’ll get treats. This morning he decided to play the can’t-catch-me game and just bounced around running away from me. For about five minutes straight I chased him and he ran away, pouncing back and forth and wagging his little stub of a tail in a way that any other time would have been so adorable.

You'd never know he's such a little terror, he's the cutest thing in the world!

I sat down on the floor, and cried. I cried until he came over to me and climbed in my lap to make me feel better. I am just so emotional. Even now I’m embarrassed that it got to me in that way, although I know that it wasn’t the dog, it was a huge pile of things and that one small annoyance was just the thing that made it all overwhelming. I don’t know how I went from so happy on Monday down to where I was Tuesday night, back to feeling happy and back down. And although now I feel calm and good but I am wondering, in the back of my head what will set me off next. Now you can see why I cleared my schedule for the weekend. I’m not up for anything that could be even remotely stressful, although I do believe I will have to have a therapy session with my therapist my friend who is a therapist who I unabashedly take advantage of Erin.

Oh wow…after ALL that my good news seems so superficial. It’s really not, so bear with me. I am one of those people who loves to dress to reflect my mood. I consider it a great thing that my closet is full of girly ruffles and bright colors. And when I’m feeling “bleh” I like to wear things like my jean skirt, which in my head is all frumpy and lazy-looking. This morning I could not find a single thing to wear that reflected my mood. Seriously. My beloved frumpy jean skirt fell off of me. My fitted shirts hang loosely, and all of my gray and dram dresses are limp and shapeless on me now.

You guys all know this isn’t the first time I’ve noticed my clothes fitting loosely – in addition to it I ordered a bunch of workout clothes from Old Navy and returned all but two tank tops because it was all huge. But it continues to hit me at odd moments, simultaneously befuddling and delighting me. I mean, I wore that skirt just last week and it was looser but not anywhere near falling off when I stand up.

Now that I’m over the whole episode with Chips this morning, that delight is seeping back. I know in my head that losing weight is not going to keep me from having bad days. I could have a great weigh in and a horrible day because I don’t want my weight to define me. But it makes me feel a little ungrateful to actually feel unhappy during a month that I’ve been doing SO well in. I also know that change isn’t just hard to make, it’s hard to deal with. Even though it’s a good change, it’s a strain on me and on my amazing Husbandcake to shake up our whole lifestyle. The faster the change (and I’ve lost ten pounds in only two weeks) the more strain it is. Who would have thought that emotionally I’d almost want to lose the weight slower so I have more time to adjust?!

Friends, I have rambled long enough. I’m so grateful if you’ve read this far. It’s difficult for me to not even go on and on, because I have always been one to over-share about the crazy that goes on in my head. I probably could have said something like “so I have been up and down lately” and that would have truly sufficiently gotten the point across. But I am happy to have all of you to share my crazy with, and to get it out there in hopes that it will be over SOON and I can go back to feeling (at least somewhat) carefree and happy to be headed where I am headed!

Fat to Fit Blog Hop!

Good morning!  I will post a proper blog later today...sorry I didn't post yesterday but I spent most of the day sleeping on and off.  I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm exhausted and have been that way since Monday.  Then yesterday when I woke up my eyes were almost swollen shut and my stomach was upset and there was just no way I was going to make it into work.  My allergies teamed up with my stomach to make it kind of a miserable today but no worries - today is MUCH better.

Didn't get rid of that exhaustion though.  Mentally, physically and emotionally I feel so drained.  I've gotta snap out of it, or something...I'm not sure how but I will get there!!

On to the blog hop...hope you all enter and click through to a few of those links!

Epiphanies and Other Journey-Related Things

I am way, way behind on your comments on my blog. It’s awful. I am behind on everything, I still can’t remember to check/use Twitter even though I really like it. Today is one of those days that all those tiny little things feel like they’re piling up on me. That’s right friends, I’m having an off day and I don’t like it!


Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2601 calories
Consumed 1422 calories
Deficit of 1179 calories

Not bad. But my calories burned did remind me that when I’m losing weight, the time for coasting is extremely short lived. Right when you really feel comfortable relaxing into a groove, your workouts don’t burn as many calories and it’s time to change things up.

My burn on the lunchtime walks, which for weeks has hovered around 505-510, was down to 460 yesterday. Today it was at 484. I’ve been walking faster, getting better and I’m on my way to being fit. I’ve been repeating to myself all afternoon – this is GOOD. This is what I wanted! But there is a part of me (come on, there’s a part of you too) that just wishes I could relax in a routine, and easily lose the weight and be fit without putting in the effort. That part of me is whiny as all heck today.

I think it might be that I’m exhausted. I wonder if I’m getting sick, or if I’m having some kind of deficiency in my diet. I have a multivitamin but honestly I forget to take it more days than not. It could just be an off day, we all have them, we all get in bad moods but something about today is just making it hard to get through. All day I’ve been slow, thinking about sleep with a longing that is way too strong, and going through the motions without enough caring.

That’s enough whining for one post, don’t you think? Let’s move on to the things I SHOULD be focusing on today. I say it every day and I find new ways to say it but I am just changing so much! Changing too slowly (I am after all impatient) and at the same time too fast. I barely had time to adjust to almost-200 lbs me and now I’m under. And under for good – I mean even after a big meal I am still at 198 – time to make that spa appointment! But after the happy jumping around dance and then the excitement that my celebration probably burned a few more calories, I take a minute to look at myself and wonder what is happening to me.

You learn so much about yourself when you make a change. I’ve learned that I wasn’t ok with my weight. You might not find that to be an epiphany but it is for me. I always thought I was happy, I always had cute clothes and thought I looked just fine in them – and I just never really considered that I was one of those people who didn’t want to be fat. But you know, getting in the way of myself, always being the first to get tired or winded…being the slowest, seeing truly disgusting bulgey parts – I was not happy with my weight. It’s good to realize this now. Good because I can really FEEL myself feeling better about myself.

What else have I realized? I like appreciating things. I love it in fact. I love that going for a bike ride makes me appreciate lounging on the sofa. I like that I appreciate housework when I see how many calories it burns. I LOVE that eating only one cookie makes me savor every bite, every crumb and it really just tastes better.

I realized I don’t need sugary sweet everything. I don’t particularly like soda (although you’ll catch me drinking lemonade or limeade every chance I get) and the only ones I ever enjoyed were the sweetest. Cream soda, root beer, those old fashioned orange cream ones. But I don’t really enjoy them now when I do indulge. I will take a sip of Husbandcake’s soda, and then think about how I could not even finish an entire can.

The last thing…I didn’t realize it about myself. I realized it about everyone around me. As the people I know realized that I was trying to lose weight they have been overwhelmingly supportive and encouraging. People like Erin, or my coworker Elizabeth, who have TOTALLY inspired me along this journey are coming back and saying that I have inspired them too. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and happy. People mention when they can see I’ve lost weight, they mention when they see me walking faster or being more active, but best of all, is when they mention that I just look happier. It’s like the weight off my body is lifting the weight of stress around my head too. And it’s like I am finally understanding just how sweet and wonderful the people in my life are.

Oh! I really don’t feel whiny anymore!

I know that I have a lot of readers now and those of you who have made it this far in a long post I am wondering – what has been your favorite/most surprising epiphany along your journey so far?

Weigh In and Milestones

Back to normal in …like a fat kid loves cake-land! For now anyway, I am still holding out hope that I win more and more stuff, to pass it along to all of you who keep me accountable, keep me happy and going strong. I’d love to give away 20 Bodybuggs so you can all discover how awesome they are!


Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2555 calories
Consumed 1553 calories
Deficit of 1002 calories

Under normal circumstances I’d probably be a little embarrassed about such a low number of calories burned. However, as I set out to make yesterday one of my 3000 calories burned days…I’m a LOT embarrassed. Oh well, there are other weekends and other activities!

What I’m really excited about today is my weigh in!!
Last week’s weight: 202.1
Current Weight: 197.0
Pounds lost: 5.1

Weekly goal: I accomplished my goal of helping someone else on their weight loss journey and I feel fabulously about it! This next week my goal is simple. I want to work out every day and stay on my eating plan.

All right, what is going on with losing 5 pounds a week?? What is my secret? I don’t know but I’m just going to happily continue along doing what I’m doing. That’s not even all of the good news!

From last Monday, my waist is down 2 inches. 2 INCHES! My hips are down 3 inches. I feel myself getting closer and closer to another mini goal I’ve had in the back of my mind. I want my waist measurement to be smaller than my bust. I will feel SO GOOD then. My waist has been smaller than my hips as of July 6, so now it has to get down farther.  In case that wasn't obvious, I carry ALL my weight around my middle, every last ounce of it, and I hate being shaped like a beach ball with legs, so I'm REALLY happy that's changing!!!

And my friends, we are still not at the best news. I started tracking my measurements at the end of June. There is a section on the Bodybugg website where you enter them in and it estimates your lean and fat mass to help show you that you ARE losing the fat pounds even if you’re gaining muscle. On June 24 I was at 108 pounds of lean mass and 104 pounds of fat mass. Today…I’m at 116 pounds of lean mass and 81 pounds of fat mass. That is 23 pounds of fat gone in a month and a half.

Oh yeah – the best news. On January 1, 2009 I weighed myself and I was at 247 pounds. That’s the highest I’ve ever seen on the scale. As of today, I have lost 50 pounds. Sure, half of it took me a year and a half to do and the other half took me a couple of months, but however I did it, I really did it and I don’t ever want to get back up there again.

There are so many things I can think of to be happy about today. Counting this one, I’ve had two posts in a week about multiple amazing milestones in my life. I feel so blessed, so happy and so truly on my way in this journey. I also feel like there is a chance of me meeting my mini goal by the time I turn 30 (next February)…I just have to keep an average up of 1.7 pounds a week!! Going through a phase of losing 5 pounds a week is really fun but definitely not sustainable for me…my metabolism is going to adjust to any changes I’ve made and then it will be time for me to change it up again!

My lovelies, that is all I have for you today. I hope you go out and have wonderful, beautiful afternoons, evenings and tomorrows!  Can't wait to catch up on what all of you are up to :)

Bodybugg Winner!!

Hello all!! I want to thank all my new readers and everyone who entered the Bodybugg contest. I really want to just ask around the office and see if I can get one for every single one of you, because you all have amazing reasons and each of you is so deserving. And if you’re one of the many who entered and didn’t win, I hope you will stay tuned because we’ve got 3 more weeks of this work competition and every single thing I win (as long as it is transferable) is going straight to you guys, so hopefully that will mean giveaways galore! Keep your fingers crossed for me and I’ll keep mine crossed for you!

The craziest thing happened when I was trying to pick who got the Bodybugg. A few of you that I know outside of blogging have asked how I’m choosing the winner. I’ve numbered all of the comments, and added extra comments for those of you who put multiple entries into only one comment (that way the number of comments equals the number of entries). Then I go to one of my favorite sites Random.org and put in the number of comments, it randomly generates an answer. Or in my case, THREE answers!

Here is who won first:

Karen of Muffin Fixation, who is so fabulous and who I am forever indebted to for getting my blog out there in the very beginning…but alas, she didn’t really enter!

But it wasn’t over yet, as this next number came up:

The lovely Brigitte of Poohpees World, who is such an awesome person and SO deserving…but alas, she didn’t enter either!

So by now Husbandcake and I are giggling like little kids, and looking to see if there are any other comments that aren’t really entries, because we’re sure they’ll come up next. Instead…

Good things really come to good people. I thought it was so sweet that Fat Girl Vs. World of I Go Through Life in Inches and Pounds entered not for herself (she already has one of these amazing devices) but for her friend.

Fat Girl Vs. World – I must say once again in my blog that you are such an inspiration, such a sweet person and you make me want to go hunt down giveaways and enter them for my awesome friends.

Crystal of How I learned to run faster than the zombies by avoiding corndogs also entered for herself multiple times, and here is her reason for wanting a Bodybugg:

Congratulations Crystal!! I know you will use it and love it, and I hope that when you’ve reached the point that you’re comfortable without it you will pass it along to someone else who needs it!

Last Chances

The first last chance is the Bodybugg Giveaway...you all went crazy on the entries lately!!

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2749 calories
Consumed 1542 calories
Deficit of 1207 calories

The other last chance is me.  It's almost 3pm, I've only just now eaten lunch and I haven't done any exercise. NOT GOOD!  So instead of writing all about fun stuff that I wanted to say today, I am just going to remind you about the giveaway...and let you know that the day is NOT over yet if you've been lazy like me...get out there, move around, finish out the day eating well and for those of you like me who are reporting their weigh ins tomorrow, drink a ton of water!!

Creative Cardio...and Temptation

Don't forget the Bodybugg giveaway!  Two more days!!

And there's another giveaway for a CSN gift certificate at Fat Like Me - which is a blog you should be reading anyway because it's one of my favorites!!

I am trying something new this morning - black coffee.  When we went to Hawaii in April, Husbandcake bought some fabulous Kona coffee that is all supposed to be coconut-y and creamy.  Let me let you in on a little secret.  If you don't like black coffee...you just don't like black coffee.  And since I'm trying not to have any more 200 calorie cups of coffee I guess I am just going to have to make it a very rare treat.

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2687 calories
Consumed 1477 calories
Deficit of 1210 calories

Why am I waking up EVERY MORNING feeling great?!! I love it love it love it!!!!

Today I am doing some more of my creative cardio that I love so much.  Sadly, no cardio shopping but I am doing some crocheting with fabulous ladies and some cardio cleaning.  The last time I spent a couple of hours cleaning out the garage I burned the same as walking a 5K.  I don't want to do too much because I'm thinking tomorrow is likely to be one of my 3000 calories burned days and I definitely don't want to tire myself out.

I know I repeat myself a lot but I just love finding creative ways to burn calories.  Exercising is not my thing.  I feel great after a walk, of course but making my way through even a half hour workout video I get so bored.  Plus I love giving myself credit for doing things like sitting and chatting with friends but still keeping my hands busy and moving.

However...related to chatting today I am having a problem that I'm going to need to get over soon.  I'm becoming scared of going out to places where there is food or high calorie anything.  Maybe I'm scared of temptation, that I don't have the drive that I feel I should.  My knitting group is meeting at a coffee shop and I'm nervous that I won't be able to avoid the sweet coffees and fabulous pastries.  My goal is to have unsweetened iced tea and no snacks (well maybe I will bring some carrot sticks to extra-avoid temptation).  I love that so far I've really stuck to veggie-type snacks and I want to keep that going strong!!

A coffee shop is hopefully a good place to start, I can work my way up to greasy salty food establishments in time.  Maybe even someday walk into a bakery...haha.

Besides, my fingers will be all busy like making a blanket so I hopefully won't have time to think about delicious things I'm not eating.  I can do this!!

Health is Good but Thinking is Hard

Have you entered to win the Bodybugg Giveaway today? I hope so – I am hard at work trying to win you all another one because I think everyone should get one!


It seems like almost everyone in my life is in good spirits lately. It’s been really nice, very calming. I have some issues with taking on the moods and attitudes of people surrounding me, so I try really hard to find people who are for the most part very serene and happy, or enthusiastic, energetic, healthy, all those things and I have achieved this with incredible success. I completely advise all of you to do the same – positive attributes are so contagious and it makes you feel amazing when you realize that YOU are sending positivity back to all those people and making them happier too.

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2835 calories
Consumed 1530 calories
Deficit of 1305 calories

I am completely settled into my eating calorie-wise. I think if I stick between 1450 and 1600 a day I feel fulfilled and healthy. There is something that is confusing me though. When I was stuck down eating 1100-1200 calories a day I had the same deficits I do now. So why is the weight MELTING off of me now that I’m eating more? Seriously – I am down almost an entire pound from yesterday. I know, I know, it’s water weight, it’s this and that, we all fluctuate, but I am seeing crazy returns on the scale since I started eating more. For a numbers person that is baffling! So for now anyway I’m just saying to myself, “KyokoCake – seriously, do not question this, just go on and enjoy your large quantities of veggies and relish in every bit of peanut butter and all that fun healthy stuff…and if you stop losing weight you can figure out how to change it up then.” BUT – take note, my friends that don’t eat a lot, that eating has turned out to be better and more fulfilling in every way.

Yesterday was so great. Just fabulous. But not just because of the four things I wrote about in my blog post. It was also a great first non organic non vegetarian non detox day. I had this fear in the back of my head that I didn’t want to voice even to Husbandcake but I thought I would make it halfway through and then rush home for pasta with cream sauce and alcohol and cupcakes. I didn’t even want anything – I didn’t even eat rice. Seriously! I did make soup with a bit of beef in it, and it was SO filling I could barely finish a cup of it. So I know now, and it’s hopefully permanent, it’s time to cut way back on meat and keep up with a ton of fruit and veggies.

Today…I don’t know. It’s a fabulous day, weighed in at 199.0 this morning (again, whaaa??? That’s awesome!) but I’ve been really out of it mentally. My brain is just working slowly, work tasks are taking almost twice as long as they should, and I forgot when Husbandcake is going out of town. I sent him a text apologizing for not getting to spend tonight with him because he’s leaving tomorrow and he responded wondering where it was he might be going…because his business trip is definitely not this coming week.

Well even though I’m ditzy today I still am sticking to my meal plan. I probably don’t have the mental capacity to stray from it anyway so I’m glad it’s all written out for me! I’m feeling good, had more soup for lunch and I have to say I cannot believe how great it was to make healthy soup. My normal go to for the comfort of soup is Campbell’s Tomato Bisque and of course I can’t make it with water, no, I make it with half and half or real cream. So it is FAR from healthy. But I made an onion soup with tomatoes, cabbage and carrots. And then I snuck in extra onions and lean beef. I know, that sounds so weird to most people but I found it on a low calorie website and had plans to eat enormous amounts of it – because I had zero idea that I would get full on so little.

All right, I’ve rambled for long enough. Writing this has actually been difficult because I can’t seem to form a coherent thought. Please tell me the rest of you have these days too!! I am just completely useless! Thank goodness I don’t need to think clearly to go get my pedicure!

Four Times the Awesomeness in One Post

Have you entered my Bodybugg Giveaway yet or passed the information on to someone who would like it? I would love your help in getting it to someone who it will help get healthier!


Something happened this morning that made me stand in my bathroom and cry for a minute. In a good way! I have not one but four fabulous things to talk about that have all banded together to make today beyond fabulous so let’s get to it!

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 3024 calories – barely made it but I made it!!
Consumed 1475 calories
Deficit of 1549 calories

Awesome thing 1 – 3000 calories burned!!!!!
I know from reading a lot of your blogs…some of you are there multiple times a week. However, my metabolism is just trucking along right where it is, and is definitely not helping as much as I’d like! Those calories included a lunchtime hike, a walk with Husbandcake and a half hour of Wii Fit. That’s a lot of being active for one day, especially a weekday, and I do believe that when I go for this again…I will do it on a weekend!

Even better than the fact that I burned 3000 calories is the fact that I still feel good today. In general I think the thing holding me back from doing it is the time constraints. I have so much I want to do in my day, and a lot of time getting quality exercising in means cutting out one or two of those things I am excited about. But like I said, I’ll get to it on a weekend day and it will be like nothing! I know I can do it again and hopefully make it a regular thing to burn this many calories in a day and feel this great about it often.

Awesome thing 2 – Detox success!!!!
I feel great after four days of doing really well. I had one slip up, I don’t even want to talk about it. Here I am all excited about getting chemicals out of me and one of the days I just popped a piece of gum in my mouth. Sugar free gum, all chemicals, all everything. But hey it’s a small price to pay for feeling so great now, so I’m not even going to worry about it.

I love my month long eating plan. It is going to ease me back into something closer to my “normal” eating habits, but I’ve made it all complicated so that if I get to a point and think – you know what, I’m just not sure I need red meat more than once a month – then I just won’t have it. Oh my goodness, I can’t even tell you all how much I’m hoping that happens.

Awesome thing 3 – On the edge!!!!!
So if you’re wondering what made me cry, it was this

There really aren’t words to describe how it makes me feel to see that so I’m just going to hope that you all understand, even if that’s not the number that will make you feel that way, even if you haven’t gotten there yet. But in my head I’m separating my feelings into two parts…the first being that I am happy and I am allowing myself to revel in my happiness and my weight loss. I’ve lost about 47 pounds since January of 2009 – about 20 since I started blogging and being serious about it…through all of the changing scales, big losses, small losses, and the week I gained and it hit home today that I’m actually doing something. I’m getting somewhere. It’s easy to say “oh I’m 0.4 pounds up/down from yesterday” but this is a huge milestone number for me.

My other thought is, I am all prepared today to call around, find a wonderful spa and go have a pampering myself day (my reward for getting under 200 lbs). But I’m not 100% ready to admit I’m there. I'm going to wait to celebrate until I can be under 200 at the end of the day, after dinner, all of that.  When I'm under 200 pounds all the time - I will be all over that reward!!

Awesome thing 4 – I feel like a different person!
The combination of the first three awesome things have led to me looking at myself today. My arms, my fingers, my face, just looking. I’m really different. People keep telling me to post a new picture of me in that long dress that is my profile picture and I do think it’s time to bust it out and look at the differences in myself, so expect that soon.

I can't get enough of noticing the differences.  I can't believe what I've done in two months...why didn't I ever try this hard before?  What a fabulous day.  I hope you are all out there as happy as I am!!

Fat to Fit Blog Hop

I know I've started posting this every week but I hope that those of you reading actually click through to some of these other blogs.  I've found more than a couple of blogs I really love by reading through these!  Lucy at Diminishing Lucy sets it up every week and it's worth it to read what is going on over on other blogs - so check it out!!

Versatile Blogger Award! (and more!)

Hello again friends!  I got a blog award, from a few different people and I just kept putting it off because I am so bad at thinking of things about myself!

However I don't want to pass up the opportunity to highlight the three amazing bloggers who nominated me!

So every award has rules and here they are :

1. Thank the person who gave you the award.
2. Share seven things about yourself.
3. Nominate fifteen newly discovered blogs.
4. Let your nominees know about the award.

Thank Yous

1. The first person to give me this award was Vegan Ana - a runner who has adopted the idea to have a vegan diet for all meals except dinner!
2. The second person was Midori, Mighty Warrior - who is not only kick ass at losing weight but is hilarious the whole way :)
3. And then Kristina at Off The Couch - who like me looks at everything she does to see if it burns calories...and is now cardio waitressing!

Seven Things About Myself

1. A lot of my OCD manifests itself in obsessing over insignificant decisions.  My stylist told me to find a picture of someone online with hair color that I liked - that's all.  But there are SO MANY colors and I hate decision SO MUCH that I've been trying to convince a couple of my friends to find pictures for me.
2. I trained myself to smile one summer because I had this friend who just smiled all the time and I really admired that about him.  More than just smiling though, I trained myself to be happy almost the same way that I'm training myself to be healthy...it worked once and it's definitely working again!
3. I really want to retire.  I don't know if I've posted that on this blog.  I'm 29 and desperate to retire...hoping that when we're ready to have kids that I will be able to!
4. I like to collect things.  But I'm unfocused.  I have a mini collection of those lucky cats, the ones that look like they're waving.  I have a collection of glass paperweights - we get a new one every year on our anniversary.  No big, impressive collections yet though!
5. I like being wrapped up.  In the summer when it's too hot for blankets I keep a sheet out on the sofa so I can still have that feeling of being nestled into bed or whatnot.
6. I love octopi.  Why don't I have an octopus collection?  Well...I kinda do but they're all dog toys!
7. Another OCD one, and octopus related.  I love the numbers 4, 8 and 16.  I fixate on the number 4 constantly!

The 15 Blogs
I don't know!!  There are so many out there...I know this is a total cop out but....I'm nominating you.  All of you...I subscribe to all of my readers' blogs (if I don't follow yours, leave a link in the comments section!) and I love them all!!

I have a small favor to ask of you all...if you have an extra minute can you vote for my friend Jasmine in this contest??  http://1013.com/pages/wedding-in-a-week.html they are Richard and Jasmine and they are fabulous!!

On My Way to 3000 Calories...

Have you entered my Bodybugg Giveaway yet or passed the information on to someone who would like it? I would love your help in getting it to someone who it will help get healthier!


Good afternoon!! Or good other time of day for a few of you. I am still riding on kind of a high from all of my good feelings yesterday. I also ate NON STOP all day yesterday. It was weird to do that…at one point in my life that would sound like the makings of a glorious day but I realized that’s really not who I am now. I got so tired of eating, but I was really trying to go all fruits and veggies and keep up my calories. I did it though! I feel like I’ve used some kind of reverse psychology on myself though, like I ate so much that I can’t help but be convinced that I don’t ever want to eat all the time again.

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2974 calories
Consumed 1291 calories
Deficit of 1683 calories – geez!

Today will be easier. It’s Day 4! Having some delicious and refreshing milk today along with all of my other stuff and then it’s time to really evaluate what it is that I want to keep in my life and what it is that I want to cut out…or at least scale back on. I wonder if financially I will be able to budget to eat all or mostly organic and fresh stuff all the time. I think I can, at least I can until the next time I run into a buttery fuschia leather Valentino work of art (what can I say, I LOVE handbags) at 30% off…and then it might all just go down the drain!

I’m also starting to think about how I’m going to slowly reintroduce things into my diet. I don’t want to go overboard all meat and rice explosion tomorrow, but I also don’t want to keep my calories this low after I worked so hard to get them up! So I started this morning working on a VERY detailed meal plan for the rest of the month – that doesn’t provide for eating out (ok maybe one celebratory meal while I am wedding dress shopping with bff-Jen...yay!!!!!), which is something I should cut back on anyway. It’s one of those days that I love my OCD and I love Microsoft Excel. And this really fits in with my August goals of finishing the Biggest Winner strong and being better at meal planning!

My other goal for the day is to make this one of my 3000 calories burned days. After my lunchtime hike with my wonderful coworker, the same amazing person that gave me my Bodybugg – I am well on my way. And I feel great!  So...I'm cutting this blog entry short to go do some fabulous exercising!

Change - REAL Change

Have you entered my Bodybugg Giveaway yet or passed the information on to someone who would like it?  I would love your help in getting it to someone who it will help get healthier!

I am feeling pretty sleepy this morning. I am also mildly craving coffee – not actual coffee but sugar, cream and caffeine which is about how I usually take it. And at almost 200 calories a cup (still over half that when I use Splenda instead of sugar), I am trying to give it up. But today, I am a bit tempted to go make myself a bit of that candy sweet yummy warm drink to wake me up. I’ll get through it!!

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2596 calories
Consumed 1073 calories
Deficit of 1523 calories

I went slightly off track yesterday. It was an accident though. I went shopping at Ikea and then out to an early dinner with a friend (for you locals, we went to the Marketplace in Emeryville because I know they had a salad bar, what I didn’t expect is how painful it was to walk by all of the various kinds of Asian foods that I know are oh so delicious). I had a teensy salad because that is what happened to be there, and then went home and had some mashed cauliflower that was beyond delicious. I made some mixed vegetables for dessert, or as the Bodybugg system calls it “late snack” – but then I just fell asleep and missed that whole mini meal.

Oh well, I’m back on track today with my delicious fruity breakfast and a ton of water. And no coffee!

I keep waiting for this moment to come…the moment where I realize I absolutely need a 100 calorie chocolate bar from Trader Joe’s, or crackers, or something. But it’s not coming. Sure, I am tempted by things but it’s not that NEED to eat certain foods that I expected. I am not irritable despite the fact that I haven’t had rice since Saturday (and believe me, my addiction to white rice has actually caused huge fights with HusbandCake in the past). I also realized yesterday that despite my blog theme I haven’t had REAL cake since I started this journey. I mean, angel food cake is great and I have had it twice…but we all know it can’t take the place of red velvet. Or could ever compare to an unfrosted yellow cake cupcake still hot from the oven. All right I’ll stop before we all go out and rob bakeries – but my point is that I’ve never set out to deny myself the most delicious of all desserts. If I really truly felt I needed it I would allow myself that luxury, but I haven’t. I’ve passed it up during birthday celebrations at work, and I’m still here, still alive, still me.

I got all contemplative about my diet and healthy lifestyle after I posted a comment over at I Go Through Life in Inches and Pounds, because I wrote that I didn’t eat a balanced diet and I didn’t know what to do to change that. I am realizing now that I DO know and I am actually well on my way...perhaps with a little help from Fat Girl Vs. World...who seemed to catch on faster than I did that maybe I was just looking for validation. Maybe I don’t eat perfectly (who does?) but looking at my diet now compared to what I was eating in May, it’s a great change. And by the time September rolls around I expect to be saying to myself that my diet is much more balanced that it was even in July!

What I need to do now is take my own advice. Give myself credit for learning and doing, and realize I am not the same girl who put off starting her healthy lifestyle so she could pig out and drink sangria one last time.

I think with everything I’m putting into words this morning I’ve built a whole floor on that lego tower.  Or maybe just built up around the foundation, which is just as important. I feel happy with myself. Physically I’m feeling great too…well, a little tired but that’s just due to watching tv too late (had to watch the Real Housewives of New Jersey, although it made me think I should do a tv-detox too…).

Anyway we all read and write so many posts about how we haven’t gotten anywhere or changed anything – and I want all of you to take today to realize you HAVE changed, just like me, just in such a good way that it iddn’t even occur to you. You’re amazing and getting or staying healthy – now go give your own Lego tower some new blocks!!

BODYBUGG GIVEAWAY!

That’s right fabulous readers who I just adore so much – your favorite cake-themed blog is having a giveaway. Last week doing those lunchtime walks by myself TOTALLY paid off and I won the participation raffle. And it’s a Bodybugg!

I have a quick history about me and my Bodybugg. I really wanted one for awhile, and my very sweet and generous coworker gave me hers that she hadn’t been using regularly. It has helped me so much that I know when I am done with it (which I assume will be when I have reached my goal weight and feel comfortable maintaining on my own) I will give it away to someone else that can benefit just as much. The opportunity to give one of you a brand new Bodybugg makes me so happy – I just remember every time I lose weight how grateful I am to my coworker because this is that one thing that REALLY clicked, and I want to help someone else that much.

If you want to learn more about the Bodybugg go here - it is a great site, for a great product, and I can't say enough about how much I love it.

Here is how the entries will work – I want to give you as many opportunities to win as possible, so if you really want it you can have a ton of entries and if you are only kinda interested you can have one. Doesn’t that sound great?! Every entry needs to have your email address on it or if I know you in person your name so I can reach you easily if you win!

The first entry, the required entry, is to follow my blog publicly (click follow over on the right hand side of my blog and follow the directions!) – so leave a comment with your username!

Then there are a ton of additional entries!!

• The easiest is to leave a second comment telling me WHY you think a Bodybugg will help you out – I would really love for it to go to someone who it will help as much as it is helping me!

Facebook:

• Become a fan of like a fat kid loves cake (1 entry)
• Post a status update linking to this giveaway and tagging like a fat kid loves cake (1 entry per day – up to 7 total!) If you don’t know how to tag in a Facebook update click here.
• Friend me on Facebook – or post if you are already my friend (1 entry)

Twitter:

• Follow @KyokoCake on twitter (1 entry)
• Tweet about the giveaway (1 entry per day – up to 7 total!) – and don’t forget to link back to it in your comment so that everyone knows how awesome you are and they can follow you too!  Make sure you tag me, and add and other subjects that will help get more people to this opportunity, like: RT @KyokoCake #giveaway #weightloss Win a Bodybugg! http://bit.ly/aj29nB

Blog:

• Mention this giveaway on your blog and link back here (1 entry per day – up to 7 total!) – and don’t forget to include a link to your blog post!
• Dedicate an entire blog post just to this giveaway (2 extra entries – one time only, and be sure to leave two comments)

Oh my goodness that is 28 chances to win. 28 chances for you to get an amazing Bodybugg that usually sells for $250!!! So get to it!!

Weigh in and August Goals

After Day 1 of what I’m no longer calling a diet, detox or not (I’m calling it happy fun time) I feel GREAT. I am going to credit above all else the amount of water I had – 85 ounces and normally I call it a win if I get in above 40. This morning I am down THREE POUNDS from yesterday. Note to self – you like water. I will keep drinking it to help you out!


Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2269 calories
Consumed 1307 calories
Deficit of 962 calories

Not my finest deficit but hey – I was sore and had a fabulous day of watching movies and having a good time. And it’s pretty important to have a great day of rest every once in awhile!!

I can’t believe I forgot to do a goal check in yesterday and think of my August goals! Let’s see how I did for July’s goals:
1. I want an average deficit of OVER 1200 calories a day for the whole month. Yep – still loving that I changed that one. I’m calling it a win even though I most likely don’t deserve it according to my gain last week! I’ll just say that every day I tracked food, I had a deficit.
2. I want to continue New Recipe Tuesday and try for Meatless Monday at least twice. New Recipe Tuesday successes all around. Today is the first meatless day that is actually a Monday so that’s not bad either!
3. I want to clean out my closet, get rid of too-big clothes, sort any too-small clothes that I’ve kept for way too long and get organized with everything I want to keep. Yay! Another success. I’m even wearing an old-new dress today, which is my term for things I buy online but don’t fit me and then I forget to return them. Well…it fits now so it’s new now and I’m feeling great in it!
4. I want to ride my bike all the way to the grocery store and back! I kicked this goal’s butt, that’s all.
5. I want to make it from this moment until it’s available and in my hands to STOP COMPLAINING about not having my iPhone 4 yet. I’m doing awesomely on this one too…in fact I have a picture of the white phone on my current phone’s background and I’m more excited than frustrated even though I have to wait!
6. I want to take time to let all of my most treasured friends know that they are special. Massive fail. I actually bought note cards but got distracted and didn’t do anything about it. You ARE all special though, and I really mean that.
7. I want to get fun and cheap jewelry instead of wearing the same few pendants over and over. Still no luck, but it hardly matters as I’ve barely taken off my gorgeous anniversary necklace to exercise, sleep and shower. It’s too pretty!
8. I want to spend a whole day (our 5 year anniversary) happily drinking wine and eating great food with NO GUILT – yikes, that’s a tough one…but important! This one is a win…times three as I spent all three vacation days doing exactly that!

All right, so here are fabulous brand new August goals!:
1. Finish out the Biggest Winner competition STRONG. No slip ups, temptations, indulgences, nothing. One month of being really, really good.
2. Learn how to meal plan even better. Look up recipes ahead of time and really be extra organized.
3. Have two days where my calories burned are at 3000 or higher.
4. Get back to wearing eye makeup every day. I have so completely stopped this and I always feel like I look tired and bleh and that’s not good!
5. Embrace my new work schedule by fixing my hair. I always love how my hair looks on the weekends but for work it’s usually the messy bun look. My new work schedule puts me starting 45 minutes later and I’d love to take a few of those minutes to look a little less like a slob!
6. Let those fabulous friends whose friendships I cannot live without know how important they are. It’s a goal worth repeating until I get it just right.
7. Take at least two awesome things from this four day happy fun time that I can keep up permanently. I’ve got one – the water consumption, so I need to find one more thing!
8. Get to 100 blog followers…a lofty goal to gain 33 in a month but I’ve got some awesomeness coming your way momentarily and hopefully you will become a follower and encourage your friends too!!

Now on to what has so far been the highlight of my day – my weigh in!!
Last week’s weight: 207.6
Current weight: 202.7
Pounds lost: 4.9 WHAAAAAAAAA?? I knew I was doing well but that feels beyond awesome.
Weekly goal: I totally failed/forgot about last week’s goal of a day with 3000 calories burned! But I did reach my other weekly goal of totally getting back on track this week. My goal for the coming week is to help someone else on their weight loss journey!

My fabulous readers…stay tuned, for what I’m about to post next!!