Rest or Push Through?

I know I only really weigh myself on Mondays but today the scale was really nice to me this morning!  I needed it too because yesterday after work instead of exercising I went home and fell asleep watching the Real Housewives of New Jersey (cra-zy!).  I meant to watch for only about ten minutes while I ate my new favorite snack - those Kraft 2% milk cheddar cheese slices.  60 calories and a cheese fix DAILY, it does not get better than that.  Ok it does, but nobody sells 60 calorie cupcakes with delicious frosting!  Anyway I woke up about 2 hours later and just didn't have the time to exercise later.
Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2626 calories
Consumed 1480 calories
Deficit of 1146 calories

I realized a little while after dinner that I was pretty low on calories and had a delicious glass of 1% milk with 2 cookies.  SO yummy, and so deserved after a day loaded with fruits and veggies and super healthy everything.

Today however...I'm sore! I have a gross blister on my heel! I'm tired! I feel sniffly and may be getting sick! Oh my gosh, I actually really could go on. Physically I am feeling like crap this morning. My mind is right there urging me to go go go but my body is like, please take a break!  I'm toying with the idea of not going on the walk today.  I really, really want to go and not lose my momentum but I haven't had a day "off" from exercise in about two weeks.

It's feeling like a tough thing because I'm scared.  Scared that I'm not doing well enough, scared that I'm doing too much, scared that if I skip one day it will be easier to skip another, scared that I'm going to make my blister worse.  Scared that I'm JUST FINE and only making excuses.  The thing about OCD that makes it really difficult for me is the paranoia.  When I was a kid it made me terrified that friends would abandon me, I was so defensive and thought everyone was out to get me.  As an adult I just find myself being a worrier.  It makes me somewhat indecisive.  In fact right now I'm tempted to just say - hey readers, a quick poll...let me know if you think I should go on the walk.

But I know it's only up to me and I know that I have to weigh all the pros and cons.  I need to learn when to just push through and when I really, truly need a break.  No excuses, no nothing, just a good rest.  Then again, knowing the sense of accomplishment that I'll have if I do the walk and turn out okay is pretty appealing too!  So tell me, my dearest readers...how do you know?  How can you tell when you should take a day off from working out?

My Awesome Husbandcake

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!  I put on a skirt that has been too small for forever...and it is way too big!!  Of course I noticed as I was halfway out the door that it was like falling off but it just made me so happy.  That's two days in a row that I've noticed my clothes fitting really differently and it feels awesome.

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2685 calories
Consumed 1628 calories
Deficit of 1057 calories

So yesterday Husbandcake packed snacks for me in the morning, which was so sweet, and included this little gem:

That just made my whole day!  How cute is that?  I know his handwriting is beyond horrific but he weighed out all of my veggies and raspberries by grams and put it in with my food.  It was just a really nice, really sweet thing to do.

Then I got home to an awesome surprise...Husbandcake FINALLY got his bike.  Now up until now I've barely been biking and staying close to the house because I really despise doing things alone.  But last night we set out with the intention of riding the 5 mile round trip to the grocery store.  We got as far as downtown Clayton (a little under a mile) when we realized something.  Neither of us have really gone biking in the past maybe 10-15 years.  Also we live on a mountain so getting back would be a little difficult.  So we decided we would just ride around the neighborhood instead of getting to the grocery store and being too tired to come home.

WHAT a workout!!!  Getting back up the hill to my house was pretty intense.  I discovered that I can barely bike uphill.  This whole biking to the store thing is going to take a bit of practice too - I never appreciated how much work it would be to bike in a not-flat area.  Husbandcake could not have been nicer or more patient when I struggled to get my bike and all my weight up, he just rode up the hills and stopped at the top waiting for me to get there.

I'm really happy that everything weight loss related ended up going really well yesterday.  In other aspects of my life it didn't go as nicely.  I am extremely lucky to have fabulous friends...some of them with strong personalities and while I like all of them, sometimes they don't all get along and it just kind of gets to me.  That coupled with me being very sensitive about truly silly things made for a very emotional day!!  I'm hoping today is a little easier overall :) and that it goes by very smoothly with my walk at lunch and everything later.  And I hope you guys have a fantastic day in EVERY aspect of your life!!

Weigh In...

I am having a really odd morning.  It's definitely not good...but not really bad either.  I feel like the best word to describe my morning is "meh" - nothing else really captures the weird limbo I'm in!

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2639 calories
Consumed 1526 calories
Deficit of 1113 calories

I feel okay about yesterday.  Not really good or bad.  I ate fairly well, got in some good exercise in the morning but for the most part I felt like I do today.  I had a good day, but also was out in the heat and went a little crazy (I was drinking so much water but still feeling a little woozy sitting in direct sunlight while we watched a women's soccer game).

This was at the soccer game and I had to take a picture, although the backside of the random lady who looked at me like I was crazy instead of moving out of my way is much less awesome than me!!

Then I had these weird dreams last night that involved various groups of people not liking me.  My extended family, my coworkers, it was just really odd.  Weird dreams, especially bad dreams that aren't nightmares, always affect me in this really strange way.  I just spend all day contemplating what the heck it could mean to dream that everyone hates me!

I also feel oddly about this week's weigh in:

Last week's weight: 212.4

Current weight: 212.2
Weekly goal: I did slightly better on last week's goal of eating regular meals.  This week my goal is to work out (not including lunchtime walks) every weeknight - hopefully with 2 runs, 2 bike rides and a walk.

Let's all be honest for a second - we always tell each other that a 0.2 pound loss is STILL a loss and we should still be really happy.  But it's hard to get excited about a small loss.  The thing is...the dress I am wearing today fits a little oddly...something that maybe not everyone would notice but to me I definitely do.  So I can't at all feel disappointed with a small loss when my clothes are getting a teensy bit bigger!!  I know that with the walking I'm doing I'm toning a bit and that can lead to less of a loss, which is why I set my weekly goal to keep working out!!  No starving myself and letting my body attack the muscle as well as fat.

Also on the side of disappointment is the fact that I'm realizing that I am not running a short sprint in terms of weight loss.  It's past even a marathon and closer to running one of those super marathons, the 100 mile ones.  I cannot, cannot, cannot worry about losing weight fast.  The reason this is disappointing is that I love things like the motivation that comes with the Biggest Winner competition at work - but I have by far the most pounds to lose to even take off one percent of my weight.  But even if I come in dead last in the competition I have to keep telling myself, all that matters is my END RESULT, all that matters is that I'm healthy, that I give the finger to diabetes and heart problems and all those things that run rampant through my family.  That I'm happy, Husbandcake is happy, all those things.

SO, even though all those thoughts are going through my head this morning, I am able to give myself a little pat on the back, a loss is a loss and I was bound to lose a little less weight as I stop undereating and start making sure I have a healthy diet before I had any lasting side effects.

Aww, I want to end talking about something slightly more happy than all that.  I'm planning a super healthy 4th of July diet - not even 100% sure what my plans are at this point but I am not going to eat bad stuff or drink too much (although I have been contemplating testing out the skinny girl margarita!!).  I'm really excited about it, and really excited about how much my mood has picked up just from writing this :)

Not Sacrificing

Yesterday I felt like I was running in circles.  I tried not to be upset with myself but I feel like now that I'm aware of it I realize I was doing it subconsciously a LOT.  I was annoyed that I hadn't taken the time to eat a proper breakfast (I had...gum.), then I was annoyed at myself for getting a sandwich for lunch, and then I was annoyed at myself for too much munching with my friends, even though I had specifically gone out of my way to only have low calorie versions of everything.

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2461 calories
Consumed 1864 calories
Deficit of 777 calories

So to those of you very very kind friends who have been patient and not too mean about me eating too few calories, you'll be happy to know that I had a talk with myself this morning about how 1864 calories is not disgusting and it's not unhealthy and I'm not super gross!  However at the end of the talk I advised myself to try to not eat 254 grams of carbs in a day where I don't exercise.  Because that is just plain unnecessary.

Every day I am amazed that I so easily have a deficit and wonder why I've never been serious about weight loss in the past.  But I look back and think, I had a deli sandwich and a bunch of finger foods yesterday...and in the past I would have had less veggie sticks, more little sandwiches, buttery yellow cake instead of angel food, and a nice big breakfast out of pancakes, maple syrup, sausages...SO much food that I don't need to survive.  I find myself having to think a lot about how I used to be, because I feel so often that I don't try hard enough.  As much as I make healthier choices now I am still out getting mayo on my sandwich and putting real butter in my mashed potatoes, eating Chinese food and I don't feel like I am sacrificing ANYTHING.  It's easy to feel like I could do more.

I've always struggled, mostly due to the OCD about being a fanatic.  It's difficult not to become a diet fanatic!  I could so so easily go crazy, off the deep end barely eating.  At least then I'd feel like I was making an effort - in reading all of your experiences the thing that hits me is that a lot of us have days where we aren't feeling like we do enough because we aren't unhappy.  As though losing weight has to be this awful, horrible experience that we all suffer through.  The more I thought about it yesterday I think I realized that I am really making sacrifices.  Not filling my bowl with rice every night is a sacrifice.  Measuring out carrot sticks instead of munching on Cheetos is a sacrifice.  Riding my bike instead of driving is a sacrifice.  And walking up a giant hill during my lunch break is totally a sacrifice!  It's just that these things are making me feel SO GOOD that they're actually making me feel guilty and bad!!

What is that about, right?  And what a great realization and I hope that some of you are feeling the same way as I am because the more this sinks in the more I realized that even when I'm annoyed with myself it's over something I really should be excited about.  Today I am really excited to go about my day, hopefully having a little time later to catch up on my blog reading (my google reader just informed me that I have over 100 posts to go through so that I know what is going on with a lot of you!!!)

I can't wait to go out and burn a few of those calories right now though.  I slept in - sweet! - and am going to a soccer game later (which I had also forgotten about during my long forgotten dream of a productive weekend!) so I have go get some exercise in right now before I lose the whole day!!

Gotta Practice What I Preach!

Well...my yesterday did not go as expected. Everything took much longer than I wanted to and I had completely forgotten that we were meeting my parents for dinner! I was so flustered and running around and then I ate this dinner and spent the whole time beating myself up for eating such unhealthy stuff - but when I got home and gave my best guess at everything I really hadn't done so badly calorie wise.


Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2859 calories
Consumed 1442 calories
Deficit of 1417 calories

I love seeing all those high calories burned. It is great, and I am NOT at all sore this morning which means that without a doubt I am getting better at that afternoon walk. A couple of the girls ran part of it yesterday...who knows but with my running training and a couple of months of those walks - maybe I will get there too!!!

It's weird that I sit here and preach about how much you should love yourself and be happy but I have these times during the day that I sit there and am completely down on myself without even registering it. They're called mealtimes - and I am really, truly glad that I realized what I am doing. Is this why sometimes I don't meet the right number of calories? It must be because last night every bite I took I was thinking, I can't believe you are doing this. I can't believe you are eating a fried samosa, I can't believe you are having noodles, did you seriously just not order dessert and take a huge bite of fried banana? Just constantly, a running commentary in my head that was so mean and so undeserved.

I actually said a few things out loud which helped me realize it because at one point Husbandcake was like - ok stop. He doesn't like anyone being mean to me even if it's myself. Which I totally understand. My next step is to turn it around - this cannot be healthy mentally or physically and at the end of the day, one bite of fried banana and two bites of creme brulee is nothing compared to the entire fried banana and vanilla gelato and crushed peanuts I would have eaten if I had ordered my own dessert. I am so happy with myself for what, 22 hours a day? It needs to be 24!

Anyway, I have a ton of stuff to do today but I feel like I'm definitely spending the morning being a little sad. It's hard to bounce back from any kind of mistake and it just takes me a little bit to get over things like that. I'll do better today, I know I can. I will be busy but I will make time for meals and snacks and I will not at all get annoyed with myself for eating!! Hope you all have amazing days :)

Walk of Doom and Blog Hop

Burned 497 calories today on our walk and the trek back up the stairs to where I sit.  I'm still nowhere near the people who are fast at it but I am shaving off a couple of minutes every day - and today I was able to carry on a conversation almost the whole time without gasping for breath!  I love it :)

It's teaching me though that I can walk a very strenuous 5K in under an hour.  In fact I can walk a 5K, go up 5 flights of stairs, walk back down and be done in one hour.  Not bad for someone as out of shape as me!!  I'm really excited...even though I also would like to go home right now and SLEEP.

Awesome Dream Weekend Ahead!

Hello my AWESOME readers, how are you today??  I am having a great morning so far, there's something about starting the day out on a hopeful tone that reminds me I can make any day positive or negative, even though I have no bearing on anyone but me.  So today is going to be a positive day, and I am going to get everything imaginable done!

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2742 calories
Consumed 1566 calories
Deficit of 1176 calories

I love seeing over one thousand there in my deficit.  NEVER gets old.  Although I'd love to see huge deficits and numbers like 3000-3500 every day (oh my gosh, I actually yawned as I was typing that...how perfect) I am really happy with how I've been doing.

I'm sore this morning from the walk at work yesterday - just barely.  Not nearly as bad as Wednesday when I was wabbling around (the new word for half hobbling and half waddling) all day but I could definitely use a massage or something!  The walk yesterday went a lot better than the first day, but I still hate that I feel like someone has to hang back and walk slowly because I can't keep up.

I touched really briefly the other day on portion sizes and how I just used to eat too much food.  I thought about it again last night as I ate too much without realizing it.  I measured out my food but I just thought, it doesn't look like enough.  Ugh - it was more than enough.  It still seemed like such a small amount of food, and I think it was more that I had trouble listening to myself and knowing when I was full.  So although I had every intention of running last night it didn't happen.  And I'm doubly disappointed because I was so excited when I did my first C25K run and I haven't gone since!  I know I've been busy but it just kind of sucks that I haven't gone ahead and made the time to do it.

Isn't it so odd to feel like you are right on track but to feel like you aren't doing it right at the same time?  I need to find a way to run more, to ride my bike more, to walk longer distances at home.  So here is my plan, my plan for today to be amazing and this weekend too:

While I'm at work Husbandcake will magically find a white iPhone in stock and have it charged for me by the time I get home (hey I didn't say everything had to be realistic!), then he'll buy his bike too and my little basket.  I will come home from work feeling just fabulous from my walk which I did quickly and take a shower, then go run far-away errands, then come home and bike to the nearby errands.  I will come home to news that my two friends who have applied for jobs in the past couple of weeks both got amazing jobs with no weekend hours at double what they are making now.  I will cook and eat a delicious healthy dinner and then I will get a quick run in tomorrow morning and keep moving all day while preparing for my party...which is not a party so much as me wanting a couple of my friends to meet each other who don't live in the same area.  But I am making healthy awesome food and we are going to have fun...so I get to call it a party if I want! :)  Finally on Sunday I am going to go on a six mile walk.  Leisurely, if I have to but 6 miles and no wimping out!!  It will end on Monday with me weighing myself and being forty pounds lighter than last week.  Haha!

Oh, what an awesome weekend!!  I can't wait to have it and I hope the majority of it comes true.  So now all that's left...will you guys tell me about your awesome dream weekend that is about to happen??  I would love to hear it!

You're Awesome - Step 6

All right, I was more sore yesterday than I thought - in fact I am still sore this morning, despite stretching and other things.  I'm actually really nervous about the walk today and hope that we're either taking an easier route or that I magically have already improved.  I definitely don't want to hold anyone else back, which I kinda felt like I was doing last time!

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2631 calories
Consumed 1479 calories
Deficit of 1152 calories

Not bad not bad!  I'm getting better at eating (hopefully I will continue to be more and more healthy) and I will just keep growing into this weight loss thing.  Now I'm in a good routine, eating well and exercising and all I can do is just wait for the pounds to fall off!  Hope it keeps up at least around the pace it's been at, because I can be very impatient.

So we're coming to and end with my attempt to convince you all how awesome you are.  I know with some people it will click and with some it won't but you guys really are all fabulous and I was just saying last night that I really feel helpless seeing fabulous people down on themselves.  And for those of you who have not been enjoying my endeavors I'll assure you that this is it and then we can go back to hearing about the other randomness that goes on in my day to day life!

Improving your life...
I almost wanted to end this by just saying, "If you keep trying to improve your life, there's nothing better you could be doing, so you must be incredibly awesome."

Which is true but just like if I had told you in the beginning to be happy with yourself and just consider yourself perfect - it's not that simple for most people.  Improving your life is really important.  It's difficult and scary to change, there is no doubt.  The problems you have now might be bad but they're just so familiar.  The problems that could arise when you start moving forward are scary and unclear.  And there will always be problems, but you will always be able to overcome them.  How could you not?  You are as close to perfect as it gets.

Improving your life to me means both improving yourself and changing your surroundings.  You want to be your best self, that's true but you also want to surround yourself with good people and effectively diminish the role of or cut out the bad things in your life.  It's simple-sounding but so difficult to do.  Every single day I work at being a little bit nicer, burning a few more calories, and not giving so much energy to the people in my life that make me unhappy.  Those are just a couple of the things I am working on right now, and they're little but difficult, and completely worth it.

I wanted to tell you though that even if you don't buy it, even if you don't think you're perfect, you deserve a perfect life.  The reason I strive to improve my life is because I want it to fit how great I am and how great the people around me are.  I want Husbandcake and I to have the perfect life, because I think he is absolutely perfect, faults and all and the better my life is the more it will add to his and ours together.  And once you realize how great you are it will hit you.  Someone THAT awesome does not need to be sitting around thinking that a boyfriend is going to solve all their problems.  Someone THAT close to perfect does not need more money or less weight to live a great life.  Live it now! 

I've been struggling with something that is heavy on my mind today, a friend of mine who is probably so sick of hearing about this and starting to be seriously annoyed with me, is really concerned about covering up a certain body part.  It's not an uncommon issue, whether it be our legs, arms, feet, whatever - a lot of people have that one thing they cannot wrap their brains around wearing something that shows it off.  For me, I look in the mirror, I mean I have a big dot on my nose, and it's all I see.

A caricature from the wedding on Saturday...he was nice enough to diminish it but it's still where my eye goes first!

I'm kind of lucky though, in that there was never any chance of me covering it.  I could live in a place where women are completely covered except for their eyes and you'd still be able to see it!  So I had to learn really early on, you just have to own the way you look - and be happy enough with it to go out and live your life.  But back to my friend, it's summer and we live in California, and as you can imagine wanting to cover up anything is going to be SO hot.  I know in her own time she will be better but it actually hurts inside knowing that someone who is completely gorgeous (and she won't believe that, but she really, truly is) could be so concerned about something that is not true (what she wants to cover up is not even close to being oversized or imperfect).  I know it doesn't mean much coming from someone who wanders around fat as I am in a short strapless dress, which is what I was wearing yesterday but I would feel so great in clothes if I looked like her.

Anyway, to everyone reading this especially that friend - I want your life to improve to meet up with how AMAZING I think you are.  Seeing you not confident or down on yourself really hurts me because when I look at any of you, read your blogs, hang out with you, I don't at all understand when you don't see what I see.  You're all amazing people and you are worth being healthy at any size, confident in every aspect of your life and happy.  Really, truly happy.

All right my fabulous friends, that just got really, really sappy and I'm going to walk away from it but before I do I just hope that you all feel great about yourselves and your lives and the paths that you are all on.  We struggle, we fall and we veer away from where we want to be but at the end of the day you are all incredible people and I hope you are so happy today with yourselves.  Have an awesome day :)

You're Awesome - Steps 4 and 5

I am sleepy and sore this morning!!  Good sore, can't believe I am feeling like this after just WALKING!  I am not going on the walk at work today which is a little sad but it's okay in the end because I'm meeting a friend and doing more cardio shopping.  I've been shopping a ton lately, luckily not buying too much but I'm always really happy to be getting my walks in while also doing something fun :)
Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2778 calories
Consumed 1551 calories
Deficit of 1227 calories

Cannot wait to do the walk again tomorrow!!  Awesome calorie burn!!!  I love it.  I did better with my eating too, got some extra calories in at my after work snack and had a DELICIOUS New Recipe Tuesday salmon with blackberry sauce.  I am actually really excited to be eating the leftovers for lunch today - cannot wait.  It was made even better because Husbandcake made it for me and friends that were over.  How great is that?  I love being spoiled!  And we had a great time with our friends yesterday untill it was 9:45 and I completely fell asleep on the sofa out of sheer exhaustion!

So in my spreading of my confidence you actually already have the important points.  But there are two things that I am going to kind of go over anyway because I think they're important and they're both things I struggled with back before I realized how great I am.  I hope you all are still with me after yesterday, and not finding me too absurdly cheesy.  I mean I am good as long as I feel like one person comes out of reading this stuff feeling happier, it is enough for me.  So onward to the next two steps!

Accepting Faults...
We all know that nobody is perfect and we are no exceptions.  Every one of us has a ton of faults, some of which we totally beat ourselves up for, some of which we will keep forever with and some of which we desperately want to change.  So that's not what I want to talk about, I want to talk about accepting the ones we have and even embracing them.  My gut reaction to a ton of things is to make snarky bitchy comments.  When Husbandcake is out earning money to support us on a business trip I pick a fight with him the day before he comes home.  For no reason, I'm just stressed and I do it.  My house is a mess right now.  I dwell on horrible things people have done to me.  I could go on and on, I can't even list all of my faults but I own every single one.  And I am okay with them.

Sometimes I feel like one of those people who are quick to make a joke about being fat so that they're not being made fun of.  Except I'm not making a joke.  I state the things I'm bad at and the things that I do that are mean or wrong because I want to let people know that I'm aware of them.  Criticism used to completely cripple me but now it doesn't.  People don't say to me that I'm bad at listening on the phone because they hate me - they say it because they want me to pay more attention on the phone (this is really difficult for me but hey, I'm trying!).  Something like that used to be enough to make me cry and now I just know that the best way to go about things is to meet in person.  I guess the point is, that you'll be so much happier if you are aware and up front about your faults.  You'll feel better about them and you won't run from them - you can attack them head on and feel great about what you're doing!

Being Nice to Others...
I talked about this yesterday briefly...that being the best person in the world (which you ALL are by now right?? Even with your faults!!) is tough because in one sense it means you're better than everyone else.  But remembering that other people have every right to feel like they are the best person in the world is really uplifting.  Recently someone taught me a really valuable lesson.  Everyone wants to bring everyone else to their level.  Everyone.  So if I'm really happy, I'm not threatened by other people being happy, I am THRILLED by it.  And if I am angry and bitter, seeing someone cheerful will ruin my day and I will do what I can to bring them down.  It used to make me feel better if I was jealous of someone to see that there are dents in their perfect life. Even if I didn't say it I wanted them down at my level.  But now if someone has something I don't - it's not about jealousy, it's about having a new goal!

Everyone really truly is on the same level in life.  We all have the potential to be happy and the potential to be unhappy.  And I don't want to get into the choices that we feel aren't ours, the complete hopelessness about chemical imbalances, depression and worse.  I am not a therapist or a psychiatrist or any of those things, but I do know that it's a challenging life when your brain isn't wired quite right.  However I will say that it IS possible, really possible, to overcome those things and be as happy as I am.  Hint: I did it!  And I'm not even that special!! :)

Okay I am special but no more than the rest of you.  I hope that you go on with your days bringing other people up to your level!

What? I'm more fit than I thought?

I went on a 3 mile walk up and down a crazy steep hill during my lunch break.  In the insane heat (I usually walk when the sun is down!), knowing I'd have to go back to the office (all sweaty and super gross).  I was with a couple of totally awesome and in shape ladies that sit around me along with the two people running the Biggest Winner program and they were so encouraging even though I was crazy slow and it just felt REALLY good.  I pushed myself a lot farther than I do with Rob or even my friends, because with them I feel comfortable letting them know just how exhausted I am.

And I learned something!!!  I can go a LOT farther and a LOT faster than I give myself credit for.  My walks at home with Husbandcake are going to totally change, I really have to start pushing myself!  It feels so great :) I burned 498 calores and walked over 5000 steps.  This walk will be going on almost every day and I'm hoping that by the time this Biggest Winner program is over I hope I will be a total pro at that hill!

You're Awesome - Step 3

Yesterday was the kickoff to my office's Biggest Loser competition, which is really adorably being called the Biggest Winner!  I loved it, there were a few ladies from my department that went and I was shocked at how in depth this program is!!  To explain it as quickly as possible, there are three ways to win prizes - there is a weekly drawing and to gain entries you go to activities.  There's a daily lunchtime walk, certain classes at the local gym and some after work activities like volleyball or hikes.  The lunchtime walks I am all over that, but the others it's difficult because I work early hours and have to get home, and I just live so far away!  But that's ok, because the prizes I REALLY want to win are for the bi-weekly weigh ins and whoever has lost the highest % of weight.  That's how I'll know I'm doing well ;) and then at the end there is a grand prize, second and third place.  But that's not all they are doing!  They are also having seminars, teaching about healthy eating, exercising, all sorts of stuff, and I'm really excited about doing those too :) can't hurt to learn more right??!  I'd be lying though if I didn't say I love winning stuff and can't wait to see what the prizes are!!!!

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2694 calories
Consumed 1128 calories
Deficit of 1566 calories

Ohhh I have something to say about my calorie consumption...I think I will leave it until the end though...

But for now I am excited to share with you the actual secret to my confidence.  It's so silly, so very silly you will probably laugh at me until you realize that I am serious and this is why I think I am so very very awesome!!

Setting Standards...

What IS the definition of awesome, or the definition of perfection? Is someone perfect when they are funny? When they work to make a difference in the world? When they lose 2 pounds a week? When they're rich and beautiful? It's all opinion. One person's perfect is another person's waste of time. So now is the time for you to decide what perfect is. Here's a hint - go back to that list from yesterday, and put all of those positive things about you on the list. Just like that, you're well on your way.

My definition of perfect is my life. I don't even want to go into too many details because I could go on and on all day but my list includes serious things (be married to someone you think is the best person alive - AND be constantly working on being the second best person so that you can truly deserve them), happy things (have at least four people you can honestly call your BEST friends, and have them all be extremely different people), silly things (have a plan in place for if you win the lottery and what you are going to splurge on first), and unique things (have a really really kick ass name like Kyoko). Some things are going to be common (be good at your job/career, have a sense of humor, etc) and some are going to only apply to you (have a fun shaped birth mark on your foot, have a collection of snail figurines). The point is, now is your chance to redefine perfect, and realize that you don't need anything impossible to get there. Now is the time to realize you don't HAVE to be inches taller to be happy and you don't NEED all the money in the world to be the most awesome person you know.

Of course, of course, of course you will still want to add in things that you don't have. And that's all right. In my definition of perfect, I am my best self. Which is attainable, and I'm already partway there. I am smart, mostly nice, and I should have added in there that I'm enthusiastic, which I think is a great quality! But when you add that in to your standards, please don't give it too much space. Don't rely on things you don't have yet for your self worth. Use them to raise your already high self worth. If 40% of what makes you perfect is losing that last 20 pounds - then every time you slip up and have some potato chips you are setting yourself up to be extremely disappointed in yourself and feel like a failure. Losing weight for me is far closer to 4%, and yeah I want to make my life 4% better!! But if I don't, if I have a day where I feel like eating a big plate of pasta, it's okay. I don't have to beat myself up for it - and I definitely don't, because the Panda Express I ended up eating last night was SO exactly what I needed!  And no cheating on that one either by saying 4% is weight loss, 4% is fitting into a size 2, 4% is looking good in a halter top, 4% is skinny legs!  Don't let those things have control - in fact why not just make 4% WEARING a halter top and knowing you look great now.

It's tempting here, but no matter what is on your list, don't impose it on other people. I know judging by your new standards you are currently the best person in the world (and doesn't it feel GREAT?!). However the trick to it is always realizing that everyone else should feel the same way. I have one friend in mind who, judging by my standards, completely fails at life. She is independent and ambitious, she is understated and simple, she hates ruffles and bows and most of all despises my sparkly sunglasses. Just a total failure by my standards. But....I mean come on. How can someone independent, self-sufficient, great at her career and totally all kick ass girl power be a failure?? She can't be! She just has her own standards. We acknowledge how different we are and how awesome that makes each of us. She will never completely understand why I feel more comfortable in dresses and I will never completely understand why she wants so badly to succeed at something that doesn't involve being a wife and mother. Just remember that if you take your friend who is different than you and help her realize that she might be 20% perfect by your standards but she's 96% perfect by her own standards, you get to add something else to your list of why you're so great.

All right now assignment today ;) but I hope you all really make a list.  I do just want everyone to be so happy with themselves, and I want other people to feel like I do because it's been such a great thing in my life :)

I am off to have a HEALTHY breakfast...not too low in calories, but not awful for me either.  I found this last night after looking through a bunch of calorie calculators and it's the lowest calorie amount I could find online that I should be eating.  For EXTREME fat loss at a moderately active level it is telling me I still need 1441 calories.  Now on a day without drinking I have a lot of trouble getting that high which is an odd problem considering how much I used to eat without thinking.  So I was wondering for those of you who track that kind of thing how do you keep up a healthy number of calories.  I eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm not and I feel okay, great even.  But I do want to be healthy above all else and start a lifestyle I can keep forever, not just while I'm losing weight and I'm thinking to be healthy I actually need to be eating just a little more.  Any tips??

You're Awesome - Step 2

Good morning!!! My yesterday was uneventful...but only because I was SO TIRED. I had errands to run in the morning, went and met my parents and we drove down to my auntie's house and the second I got in the car I was asleep. Then groggy almost the whole time we were there, and back in the car and passed out AGAIN! We ended up going to bed shortly after 9pm, and I'm still tired this morning. Gotta get back into a routine this week - I was actually annoyed that I didn't get to run last night!!


Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2224 calories
Consumed 1259 calories
Deficit of 965 calories

You might think I did well but eating yesterday was tough for me. The morning was so hectic that I didn't get to eat breakfast or lunch, so my three meals were: snack table, dinner, dessert. Not good!! At least I stuck mostly to veggies and delicious cherries :)

I am ready to go back to telling you how awesome you are. Because every time I see an email pop up that one of you left a comment, or anytime I get to reading blogs, which due to my busy weekend I am way too behind on - you all make me really happy!!! And I sit here and see that every day I have a deficit, every day I am just doing well and it's unbelieveable. It's not like any other time I've tried to lose weight - I feel great, I feel happy, I've completely gotten out of the long lasting funk I was in earlier this year. And I totally give credit where credit is due - to the people who read this blog and are so sweet to me day after day!

Right now I am going to take a moment to appreciate that segue.....and we're back!

Giving Yourself Credit...
The reason I think people don't give themselves credit is because it is so hard for most people to make a list of things they are good at. You might feel like you're bragging and you want to be humble. But eventually, you start believing that you truly are nothing special until you come to the final conclusion that you're just ok...or worse! To me being humble is totally useless. That's not to say you should feel like other people are beneath you - but even if we put everyone on the same level, it should be higher than it is! Every person out there should not feel normal, they should feel awesome!

We had talked about before, realizing that the things you are good at outweigh the bad things people say but it's so important to realize that you're not JUST better than negative comments. Every day little things you do are awesome and you just write them off, "oh it's normal, everyone would do it." I guarantee you that's not true. There are people too lazy to teach their kids how to tie their shoes, there are people who are too spiteful to do someone a favor without expecting something in return - and there are people who are so bitter and angry that they can't even handle hearing someone be happy without trying to be mean and drag them down. We can talk later about not bragging or putting other people down when they are lazy, spiteful or any of those other things but for now, keep it positive and keep adding to a list. I would suggest writing it down so you can look at it in the future when you're feeling down on yourself. It's amazing the things that we are good at that we just brush off. It IS awesome that you cooked peas instead of eating pop tarts and it IS awesome that you hugged your pets goodbye - not normal, but really great.

There is another aspect to giving yourself credit, and that is giving yourself credit when you fail. If you're horrible at pool but you walk away from the table laughing and having had a good time, you need to give yourself credit for how great a person you are. If you're in a bad mood and just can't overcome your anger, give yourself credit for TRYING to see the bright side. It's so important that we don't view ourselves negatively all the time. We all have faults and I'm not even going to talk about that because we all give ourselves "credit" for those faults by constantly beating ourselves up for them. In fact, right now I want you to give yourself positive credit for acknowledging that you have faults. No more beating yourself up.

That's really important - it was a huge turning point for me when I realized I was so down on myself because I weighed twice as much as my husband. I didn't know how to deal with it, because I didn't want to care about my weight but that is a big difference staring at me in the face. But all I wanted to do about it was eat...and there I was at the same time taking care of him, cleaning and keeping our home, keeping things running and NOT giving myself credit. It's almost the same thing I was talking about Friday - what is more important, my weight or my making an entire other person happy?

I love to give myself credit for little things. Why would you not do that? It's like an active choice between thinking you're awesome and not thinking you're awesome!!!! Ok so I have another assignment for you today. Besides making the list, that is. Your assignment is to tell at least one person today why they you think they're great. On blogs, off blogs, Facebook and Twitter, real life, we come across so many people in our lives that make us happy and they ought to know it! And then, go back to your list and add to it that you were nice to that person :) I know it all seems silly but was everything I needed to pull myself from an extremely depressed, angry bitter and bitchy person, to someone who can't even comprehend why she let herself forget the amazing person she is, and sometimes I read other peoples' blogs and I just want them to be as happy as I am. NOT to say I don't have my bad days!! That would be a lie, but overall and almost every day I am a really, truly happy person.

I know I'm cheesy. I wish sometimes that I was a motivational speaker. I have so much enthusiasm and sometimes difficulty channeling it. But now on to my weigh in...

Last week's weight: 215.2 on my new scale
Current weight: 212.4!!

Mini goal weight: 150 (I don't think this will be my end goal weight...but it's so far away and I have no idea what I will look like, what my shape will be, so this is where I'm getting to before I turn around and make that final decision!)

Weekly goal: I've been FAILING at my weekly goals, I have been so busy with everything. I am going out to dinner probably tonight and tomorrow...having a small get together (it's more like a meet and greet?? lol) on Saturday and so my goal is to keep normal eating schedules and to calorie check AS I GO so that I am not flustered and eating pounds and pounds of cheese.

Oh my goodness 2.8 pounds?? Feels GREAT. I love it, I'll take it and be really happy with it. And I needed it too because last week I think I was down to 212 on the old scale, so it's good even with that jump up to see those numbers going down down down!! I don't know if I posted this before but my highest weight ever was 247...down to 216 in a year and if I keep going like this out of the 200s before I know it!!!!

Happy Falker Satherhood!

If you don't know what falker satherhood is...you really should check out Cake Wrecks...especially for someone who loves all things cake related like me it's hilarious :) I hope that all of you are able to spend Fathers Day with the dads in your life, I am excited to go hang out with my dad and head down to have dinner with the whole family and my grandfather.  Can't wait!

The wedding and my whole day was great!  Despite my complaining about not loving my dress and wanting to wear the waste-of-money one, I felt good in it.  I loved my jewelry, got a new necklace and wore my favorite humongous amethyst ring that I put on every chance I get!

In front of the chapel

Here is how I did yesterday:

Burned 2518 calories
Consumed 1680 calories (which is funny because I JUST changed my goal to 1400)

Deficit of 838 calories

NOT BAD!!  But I have to say that out of that 1680 - 565 were from WINE.  Yikes!  Let's just say I was feeling pretty good that night!

So in the morning, we met up with our friends Mark and Jen at Chow, where I had eaten but never breakfast.  We sat outside and I had these amazing lemony pancakes with raspberry sauce.  Then Jen and I went to get our nails done (our pre-wedding ritual since I got married in 2005) and we met back up at our house to veg out for awhile before the wedding.  The ceremony was at St. Mary's College and they just have the most beautiful campus and chapel!

The happy couple!

After the ceremony while the bridal party was taking pictures we had a bit of time and so we wandered around and had a bit of a photoshoot!

Galileo is my homeboy - we have the same birthday!

It's kind of a boring portrait shot but I love the way he looks in a suit!!

Me with my girls!  Jen on the left and Rainbow on the right.

As cheesy as it is to walk around taking a photoshoot we had a ton of fun and laughed a lot :) I love this shot!

Another one of me and my hunny!

And then we were off to the reception, which was really fun - even though I was a little worried about a buffet I did REALLY well on the food - filled my plate with salad and fruits and veggies, and only ended up eating two teensy slices of beef.  And I didn't finish either :) it just feels so awesome to not always be concerned with how much I can eat and how good it is to be eating.  Food should not be the center of my life!!

This is one of those pictures...I love it and I love the way we look but GEEZ my arms are humongous and my dress is all hanging in a horrible way.  Lol!!  But I had to put it in because the sentiment is there and I love that man and weddings just make me want to marry him again and again!!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

(quick note that I don't have much spare time today or tomorrow so the next You're Awesome lesson is coming Monday!!  Until then just keep repeating to yourself every minute that you are awesome, because if KyokoCake believes it it MUST BE TRUE!!)

If you don't know me in person, you will not understand my post title but if you do, you know that when really awesome things happen sometimes I can't find the right words so I end up...screaming?  Yelling?  More like squealing with excitement.  I don't even know where to start with everything awesome that happened last night!!!

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2504 calories
Ate 1248 calories
Deficit of 1256 calories!

All right so two things happened last night and I'll just go chronologically.

I had forgotten my lunch for work and I wasn't feeling very hungry so I just had an extra snack...and then by the time I got home yesterday I was famished!!  So I get home and try to persuade Husbandcake to go to our absolute favorite local Italian place and he looks at me skeptically.  I told him I haven't had much to eat and I'm ready to splurge it on cheesy delicious bruschetta and they make the best melt in your mouth lamb you've ever had (I know, not many people like lamb but I love it!).

My parents ended up stopping by, and we all headed over there.  We had sparkling wine which...I mean it just makes everything feel so festive and happy!!!  But here is where it gets really great - I only had two slices of the bruschetta before I felt completely stuffed.  I mean sure, when something is piled high with four kinds of cheese and caramelized onions you know it's not going to be low in calories but only two slices??  It was great.  My dinner came and I ate two bites of lamb and two bites of potatoes, along with all of my carrots, and I was done.  Done!!  That tortellini experience from the other night really opened up my mind, and now I feel confident that I eat really healthy food the majority of the time, so I can stop once and for all worrying about denying myself delicious things.  Not to mention I have at LEAST two maybe 3 more meals of that deliciousness to eat later!

All that and I still came under my 1500 calories.  Well under them in fact and I changed my Bodybugg goal to be burn 2400 eat 1400 instead of 2500/1500.

Oh but my friends that is not all.  We came home, sat around for awhile (Husbandcake had a bit of a tummy ache because he definitely pigged out a bit, what a role reversal!) and then I started chatting with my friend Erin.  She had had a frustrating experience earlier in the day and I was telling her that if she wanted to go out and talk or have fro-yo or anything we could - and she says to me "no...I think I'll run."

Completely blew my mind.  I thought that was such an amazing and awesome response, I just turned right then to Husbandcake and said, ok we can't put it off another day.  Today is the day I have to start running, and then someday Erin and I will be able to go running together because she is that great and that INSPIRING.  I have not ever responded to stress by actively doing something healthy.  It usually takes all of my willpower to not respond by baking cupcakes and eating them.

It takes me forever to get to the point, doesn't it??!  Here is the point, we did the first day of the C25K program, and I felt/feel just great.  I know for experienced runners it's nothing (you actually only run a total of seven minutes) but for a total fatty who has never not ever even in her thin days gone for a run??  I absolutely could not possibly be more proud of myself.

All right my fabulous bloggy friends, I hope your days are just THAT incredible!!  Mine will be!  I am going to have a healthy breakfast and then tonight go to the wedding of an old friend, and hopefully get some pictures of myself all fancied up because it's been awhile! ;)

Quick AWESOME news!!!

I just found out that my office is planning to have a biggest loser type competition!! We all start on Monday - I can't wait! :) It will all be done but the % of weight you lose with weigh-ins every couple of weeks through August and PRIZES!!! I am really excited, I am just picking up motivation here, there and everywhere!
I know I've said before that I'm the largest person at my office and it is a little intimidating to think about being weighed in front of people and knowing that they will know exactly how fat I am.  It's so silly though because I fully expect nothing but high 5's and a lot of encouragement from the people I work with.
Yay!!! Can't wait!!! :D

Also forgive me if I'm not doing this right:

You're Awesome - Step 1

Yesterday was a complete mess health wise. I came home, pretty much just fell asleep until Husbandcake got home, got up, made an awful(ly delicious high calorie) dinner - cheese tortellini with jar alfredo sauce, and was asleep again by 8:30. It's not actually that weird for me to sleep that much, I barely get any sleep when he's gone and sometimes the relief of having him home just really allows me to relax. I am a little annoyed though, because I had these grand plans of starting my Couch to 5K program last night. Oh well - there's always tonight.

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2295 calories
Consumed 1397 calories
Deficit of 898 calories

I don't know how to beat around the bush so I'm just going to say that it is DISGUSTING how much I used to eat. Tortellini? Fill the bowl, slop on the sauce, just gross. Last night I had one cup of tortellini to see if I would be ok with it, I looked at it and just thought, oh man I'm going to need seconds. Measured out a little bit of sauce and...I was really full. I was full and if I hadn't been paying attention I would have eaten twice as much!! So I am really excited about paying attention to portion sizes :) it's really really helping me along. And I'm glad that I discovered I can eat cheese filled pasta with cream sauce and it's really ok calorie wise as long as it is in moderation!

I have a bunch of new followers today. Hi new followers!! If I'm not following you and you have a blog leave a link! :) I cannot get over how awesome it is to hear all of your stories and I definitely will check it out!

Speaking of awesome, I wanted to talk to you all today about how awesome I am - but in reality I wanted to show you how awesome YOU are. The thing is, last weekend I was talking to my awesome friend (the one who is a brand new mommy, and when I blogged that she was in the hospital in labor, she actually read it and texted me!) and she was saying that she doesn't think everyone gets me. And that's ok but I do want to try to explain myself because I know I come off as slightly (or extremely) conceited. I'm not conceited.  I'm confident - and I want to share my secret with you guys, because I don't have quite enough to say to write a self help book and get gloriously rich doing it!

There are six steps to being as happy with yourself and your life as I am with mine: ignoring idiots, giving yourself credit, setting standards, accepting your faults, being nice to others and improving your life. If you follow those six things, REALLY follow them, you will feel so good about yourself that you almost feel bad for people who aren't you.  But you won't really feel bad for them once you read the last bit about being nice to others.  I'm only going to do one a day for the next week and I hope you enjoy and end up being even a tiny bit happier about yourself.  It would be better though if you end up being EXTREMELY happy with yourself.

Ignoring Idiots...
You will not change the mind of people out there. Neither will I. There is a girl out there who used to be a friend of mine, our friendship fell out over her having too much drama for me to deal with, and her feeling like in my quest for self-improvement I left her behind (that part I take responsibility for, I had left her behind and it was mean of me). Two years after our friendship ended, I was at the wedding rehearsal for a close friend when she egged my car and left tabloids about fat stars on my windshield. I was angry about it, but...I could have felt a lot worse.  I could have cried. I could have felt badly about myself and I could even feel angry now but I don't. Why should I? She's right - I AM FAT. And she's thin. But I have amazing things going for me that she doesn't. I didn't leave a path of unhappiness in peoples' lives when I passed through, and I have never been so unsatisfied with myself that as a grown adult I egged someone's car in a church parking lot during a serious occasion.

Just like that girl, there will be people who will play on your insecurities. They will hopefully not be that obvious about it. But they will be there, and they will point it out if you aren't happy with your weight, your hair, your car, your spouse.  But it doesn't mean you don't have things going for you that are even better. Your friends, your ability to write eloquently, your NICENESS, these are all things that you have to keep in mind. It's more important to me to be smart than it is to have a nice handbag - so if some idiot tries to make you feel inadequate for carrying around your Payless bag, just know that they are complete morons, and you have what is important already.

Let's also not forget about other kinds of idiots.  Sometimes it's not one person egging your car, it's feeling like a huge part of society is against you and making fun of something you have going on. It's enough to make anyone feel defensive! Take the things in your life that you get defensive about and use them to your advantage. I have felt defensive about a great number of things. Defensive about my OCD, the things I have, my marriage...and for awhile it was hard but I realized one day, that instead of defending things that people look down on I'm going to be proud of them and count them among my accomplishments. Yes, I have a mental disorder and sometimes it's really serious - but I'm also extremely organized and dedicated. Yes, I have a bit of an addiction to nice things - but I'm also good at budgeting and not ever using credit cards anymore. Yes, my marriage is actually based on inequality - but I've never known anyone to be happier in a relationship than I am, and I've never for one second thought that Husbandcake was capable of making a decision without thinking of what's best for me and my happiness.

Those things that we get defensive about - our weight/appearance, our jobs, all of that - are not things that make us worse people. That's why our inclination is to defend them. But instead of getting angry that some idiot dared question them, we should all be walking around with an insane amount of confidence in them in the first place.

I'm giving you an assignment today!  Tell me something that you feel defensive about or that someone has insulted you for, and then DEFEND it. You're fat? Tell me why it's not a big deal because you feel great in your top from Lane Bryant that none of those skinny chicks can buy! Someone told you that you have no sense of style?  Tell me why you'd rather have your kids' drawings tacked to the wall than a framed Picasso! I can't wait to hear it!!

Yet Another Reason I Totally Love Blogging

I want to start off by saying how awesome it is that Karen gave me this award today.  Because she mentioned in her post that it made her frustrating day a little happier - and it did for me too!!  I am really happy and all excited like at my first blogger award (did you see how I'm so conceited I just assume I'll get another?? lol).

The rules are to tell 7 things you may not know about me and then pass it on to 7 others...so here goes!  Should be pretty easy since I just started blogging ;) and you all have only seen a tiny sliver of all my crazy.

1.  I'm sexist.  In my marriage we take on very old fashioned gender roles, and even though our mortgage was a bit much for us at first and I had to enter the working world, we're currently trying to slowly wean ourselves off of using my paycheck so I can be comfortable after I lose the weight and get pregnant, to stop working (it's a long term plan!).  However I do want to make it 100% clear that it's only a decision for me, not for everyone and I would never impose my beliefs on other people.

2.  I love Lost.  The show.  Yeah, it's over and I'm still talking about it!  Husbandcake had a business trip to Hawaii back in April and I made him fly me to Oahu for a few days so that I could look at the places that they film.  100% worth it as we ran into two cast members at dinner one night including the guy who plays my favorite character (Daniel Dae Kim/Jin).

3.  I think I'm addicted to rice.  It used to be that Husbandcake and I would fight a lot.  A LOT, and I didn't realize why until one day he made the connection that if I hadn't had white rice in maybe 36 hours that I get really cranky.  I don't know if I should find it alarming or amusing!

4.  I hate awkwardness.  Some people revel in it and love shocking others or mistake being taken aback by being really impressed, but it's one of my pet peeves.  I hate embarrassing people and I hate it when things just get really awkward.  To the point that I made up a due date to a salesperson once because she was SO nice and she just really, really thought I was pregnant.

5.  I love weddings.  If weddings didn't take place on weekends and evenings I would be a wedding planner.  I was married just shy of 5 years ago and I still subscribe to bridal magazines!

6.  There is a Prius cult and I'm in it.  I love my car more than someone should love their car!  It's awesome and everyone should have one and save the Earth and all that nonsense but even more than that it's a reeeeeally nice car.

7.  I own at least 4 tiaras.  Not the plastic kind.  Well I have a couple of plastic ones but I'm not counting those.  I was never in pageants.  I am just one of those people that finds excuses to have Halloween costumes with tiaras or wear one on my birthday.  They are pretty much the epitome of girly to me and I feel like I'm still a little kid who wants to be a princess :)

And on to the 7 blogs I want to give the award to!!  I tried to pick people that I don't think have gotten it yet :) and I'm sure I am forgetting some that I love to read but here are a few of my faves:
1.  Jen Lindstrom @ 40 Weeks/280 Days to a Healthier Me! - who started blogging only a few days after me which makes me feel extra...accompanied on this journey!
2.  Spaghetti Cat @ The Journey of Spaghetti Cat - who has an awesome attitude and is just a sweet person!
3.  C @ Breaking Free...I need to escape this food prison - because I just really like the way she writes!
4.  Fatgirl vs world @ I go through life in inches and pounds - who always writes about interesting and awesome things! (plus you have to love her profile pic)
5.  Monica @ Confessions of a + Sized Girl - whose posts I always look forward to because it's such a complete glimpse into someone else's life!
6.  Screaming Fat Girl @ Screaming Fat Girl - who completely always brings out the philosopher in me!
7.  Gilly @ Something Something Something Fat Chick - who is both insightful and funny!

More calories, less calories.

Husbandcake gets home today. I could not be more excited. He lands at 4:00 today, although now that I think about it I don't know which airport so I do not at all know when he will be home...but it doesn't matter because he WILL be at home and we'll have dinner together and really just sit on the sofa relaxing and it will be glorious.

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2610 calories
Consumed 751 calories
Deficit of 1859 calories

Yikes!  I'm actually really angry with myself and I am finding it hard to put it into words.  It's not because I ate too low, let's face it I was really sick in the morning and anyone who is feeling like that is definitely not up for eating breakfast.  All I had was a kind of brunch-time snack and then lunch, both times just plain white rice.  The thing I'm angry about is that I didn't keep track.  At all!

I know that I've been doing well - heck, since I started this blog I have had a calorie defiicit every single day.  But it reminded me that I absolutely have to keep track.  What I did wasn't all that different than miscalculating the other way and allowing myself to eat macaroni and cheese and some fried chicken wings and ending up eating 2800 calories.  I don't want to be an unhealthy person.  I don't want to starve myself....and I don't care enough about losing weight to make myself unhealthy even for a little bit.

And you know, the grossest feeling came over me when I looked at my deficit this morning.  I thought to myself, you know...that wasn't so hard, I could do that every day.  I didn't even exercise yesterday, just walked around shopping for awhile.  I could just set my calorie count to 7 51.  I almost immediately came to my senses, I can't believe I thought it even for a second.  I don't want to be that person.  I don't want to be a fanatic.  I had all these things in my head that I wanted to write about today, but they'll all have to wait because this has me really freaking out.

I wonder if I am getting too caught up in it.  I also wonder if I'm making too big a deal over what was really a fleeting thought.  I guess half the reason I'm sharing it is that I feel like by saying it out loud it will reinforce what an unhealthy awful thing it would be to do that - and the other half is that I'm a little curious to know if other people have felt the same thing.

All right, now I'm all messed up in the head and feeling down on me.  So I'm going to do a short list of things I'm grateful for right now to get my head back into the right frame of mind to succeed today!

1. Husbandcake coming home - what?  I already said that?  Well then I must be really really excited about it.  He is just my everything, my other half, and I am lost when he's not home with me.


2. My awesome friends - especially two whose names start with E who hung out with me not only on Monday but yesterday too, because they are just good people and I can't imagine how I used to sit at home by myself when Husbandcake left.

3. Not going through weight loss alone - I wonder if a year from now I'll still be blogging about how grateful I am to feel like I'm losing weight with all of the people who have randomly found my blog.  I can't say it enough!

4. Oranges - Yum yum yum delicious!


5. Halloween!!!! - Yeah, it is over 4 months away.  However, one of my awesome E-named friends began a tradition last year of a themey party, and this year's theme is CANDYLAND....how glorious is that?  You will hear much more about the excitement come October my friends - but I am excited months and months too early!

Sick!

Nothing profound today...I'm sick.  I woke up this morning with stomach cramps and worse.  Can't imagine what I ate that was so bad, but it was something.  I am keeping my fingers crossed that I feel better later, because there are things I want to DO today, darnit!  Not to mention I don't like missing work, because every once in awhile in my line of work there are emergencies and I absolutely worry that it will happen when I'm out.

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2378 calories
Consumed 1436 calories
Deficit of 942 calories

I have pretty bad chronic stomach problems so this isn't too new for me and I am confident that I can go back to sleep and be ok enough by this afternoon.  But in the meantime, I really miss Husbandcake (think that makes it worse) and I am going to try to sleep this off!!  I hope you are all feeling better than me!

A Buffet of Random Paragraphs

I almost choked this morning on my water.  It was because I looked at my calories and couldn't believe I burned that many without working out.  I know I didn't eat well yesterday, I went out both to lunch and dinner, and I did walk up 5 flights of stairs (and down a few, cough, but we'll talk about that later).  And yet here I am with an awesome deficit.

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2552 calories
Consumed 1601 calories
Deficit of 951 calories

I even said to my two friends at dinner, awww it's going to be the first day that I don't have a deficit!  So I am really surprised.

I made the realization this morning that I am having trouble separating all of my thoughts, and the thoughts of what I want to write in my blog are no different.  So here we go, a buffet of random paragraphs...

I should not eat caprice sandwiches.  I know mozzarella is not like great for you, and I know that sandwiches are bad enough without being on foccacia bread.  But it sounded delicious and I got it and ate half along with a cup of soup.  I was so full last night I thought I was going to die.  It's been awhile since I've eaten too much quantity wise (versus eating too many calories) and I was not a happy camper last night.  On the other hand, butternut squash soup made with vegetable broth instead of cream?  Amazing, and much lower calorie than expected.  I should eat more of that.

In high school I was in dance class, and I was not horrible.  I used to be coordinated!  However these days I can't walk.  I was walking up the stairs in my building yesterday and fell, nothing tripped me I literally just lifted my foot and missed the step.  I fell back hard on the first step with my hip and the landing with my butt.  OWWWWW!  I know I'm overreacting because the bruise is like not even bad today, but I was really unhappy about it.  I canceled the Monday walk and we went shopping instead, which ended up being enough of a walk apparently and did not hurt at all...then had dinner at this place in Walnut Creek called Lettuce where I had the aforementioned delicious soup.

A good friend that went to high school with Husbandcake is getting married on Saturday.  I bought this beautiful dress for the occasion:

And because buying things online is a gamble I bought this backup dress too with the intention of returning one of them.  I love the blue dress, it comes and it is like absurdly big on top - I mean I'd have to take four inches out of the strap to make it fit me.  I go in yesterday to get it altered and the woman wants to charge me $60...and I came to my senses.  Who do I think I am, spending $150-170 on a dress?  On ONE dress for an occasion that is not even about me?  That is a lot of money on a dress that I am 100% confident I will never wear again - I just won't.  I don't have more weddings this summer, and I am really committed to losing weight.  So I'm wearing an old dress and returning both of them.

But why should ANYONE care about all this?  Well...I saw it like this.  Spending more than I've ever spent on a dress (not including my wedding dress of course) to me is almost like a safety net to stay this weight, this size.  But wearing an old dress that I don't love but is a perfectly good dress - is like saying to myself, "KyokoCake!  I know you are 100% worth a hundred dollar dress, a six hundred dollar dress, because you are truly awesome and will look fabulous in whatever you choose.  But the fact of the matter is, you are not going to be here for long and it's not cost effective to keep this dress.  You are going to be smaller, healthier, in shape and even more awesome - so let your spending reflect that."

I feel awesome.  I don't know what I was thinking before but I sure do feel like I was sabotaging myself.  I wonder how many ways we all do that to ourselves without even realizing it!!

And in my last bit of randomness before I let you all get on with your mornings, I got two emails yesterday about my weight goal of 120 and how it was really really low.  See...I'm 5'5" and have a small frame.  I am not at all big boned.  Do I know what 120 pounds will look like on me?  Nope.  Honestly my goal is to wear a medium and sometimes fit into a small.  I'm short enough, that's an ok goal for me.  But my OCD demands numbers, percentages, things I can evaluate so I am not sure exactly what the number is and I just picked 120.  I know both of you were extremely well meaning and I did not at all take offense to it.  For all I know I'm going to reach that clothing size at 150 and just stop losing weight - I have no clue!!  So thanks, and if anyone knows randomly what 5'5" and medium/small would be weight wise, I'll completely update my goal and thank you profusely for setting me right!

I hope you guys have a really great day.  Not just a little bit but I mean I hope today is awesome eating wise, feeling wise, everything!!

Complete Emotional Mess

I cannot even describe my yesterday in its entirety to you.  It was up and down and I had a crazy episode and even now I have absolutely no idea what was going on in my head!  I think I was stressed because I knew Husbandcake was leaving this morning on a business trip and I would be all alone until Thursday (ok not alone, I have great friends and actually am now booked every day to do something with one of them).  But it was really one of those days that normally I would find solace in an ice cream cone.

...and I did :) and it was delicious!

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2804 calories
Consumed 1113 calories
Defecit of 1691 calories!!

So even though the ice cream cone was more calories than any of my actual meals I did really well!

The highlights of my day, starting with the crazyness...we went out to the grocery store for a quick trip and when I come back inside the house my dog Potato does not come greet me right away, so right of the bat I feel like something is wrong.  My other dogs are right there and happy, but I'm all freaked out and I go to look for her and instead I find in the bedroom a burr and a little bit of blood.  She picks up burrs in the backyard a lot, no matter how much yard work we do she still manages to find more and get them stuck all over her (she has long hair).  The burrs that she picks up are those round kind:

That's the closest picture I could find!

 So right now my mind is racing.  It's like maybe 4-5 drops of blood max, but in my head she's got a burr stuck in her paw and she's really hurt, bleeding to death and I'm actually running around the house just crying and imagining the worst.  Like a crazy person!!  Anyway it didn't even take me that long to find her but I was freaking out so much that Husbandcake had to search her for where she was bleeding, he couldn't find any place and our other dogs and the cats were just fine...it's kind of a mystery where the blood came from but looking back at it, it certainly did NOT warrant me sobbing uncontrollably for five minutes.

I mean look at her, she's so precious!!

And immediately after that I turn around and meet my friends for lunch.  They are this awesome couple that we know because I used to work with the wife, and they are expecting.  Actually, they are REALLY expecting like at the hospital right as I'm typing this (she's in labor but they might send her home if she's not quite ready yet).  Well we met in the parking lot and of course she is like, are you crying?  And I didn't have time to think up a reason that a normal person might have been like sobbing their eyes out randomly so I just told her what happened and we shared a laugh over how silly I was!

From there my day pretty much turned around.  We ate at that same place I had the humongous hamburger the day before (there are three restaurants in downtown Clayton, which is only about 2 minutes from our house so we end up eating at those three places pretty often).  And I think I made up for the hamburger.  Got a mandarin chicken salad, which turned out to be delicious and very low calorie - I mean there wasn't even salt or pepper on the chicken, barely any dressing, which is exactly how I like it.  And it was pretty, I should have taken a picture so you could all be jealous!!  I felt a ton better.

Then we went to run errands including getting new flip flops because my puppy chewed up my favorite pair, and that's okay because I looooove new flip flops!  It's the little things...

Our puppy and second corgi Chips, although Chomps would have been more appropriate!

Finally once we were back home I just felt like working out...we had thought about going to the nicer place downtown for dinner because on Sundays they make these home style dishes and they're cheap and all, but I just got really into exercising and we decided to go do that next week instead.  It was an awesome feeling to make that choice!!  Working out over dinner out?  Old KyokoCake would never have done that!

That was a seriously rambling blog post.  But it's over now except for...my weigh in!
Starting weight: 216

Last week's weight: 214.5
Current weight: 213 (215.2 for purposes of next week)
Goal weight: 120
Weekly goal: Work out during my lunch break 3 times this week in addition to regular workouts, and keep trying to drink more water, which I totally failed to do this week!

Woo hoo!! Another pound and a half!!  Also I am changing scales so I weighed on both scales this morning. I am so glad I did that because they're all so different, and I would have otherwise been really depressed to see that 215.2 on the new scale looking back at me.  But I love my new scale, and I hate how my old one is digital but only shows you in half pounds, what is that about??

So at least I had that happy time to take into today, because I always get a really bad case of the blahs when Husbandcake is gone.  I absolutely hate it, and I'm so happy that I have my friends around to keep me company but of course nothing makes up for not having your husband around!  I hope you all have wonderful Mondays and hug your pets!!

Feeling Super Gross

Mentally and physically I feel so BLEH this morning.  Mostly physically, that cheeseburger is not sitting well in my stomach.  Mentally I am waverying between feeling a little guilty about eating poorly, and being really excited about going on a long bike ride today!

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2443 calories

Consumed 1998 calories

Deficit of 445 calories

I used to just be happy with a deficit but I was not happy yesterday.  I was feeling lazy and was doing my Wii Fit just so that I could make sure I got a few of those cheeseburger calories off but it did not relieve this stomach achey nonsense!

I am not one for beating myself up usually so it's not like that...actually it was a really weird revelation.  For the most part when I eat unhealthy things, it's totally ok with me.  I don't want to eat ANYTHING unless the taste/experience/whatever is worth the calories.  I'm a really logical numbers based person so I just have to quantify it.  For me....cake is worth it (most of the time), so is rice, but chips are not worth it, they do not taste good enough to make me ok with how bad they are.  Little judgments like that make up my eating day.

And in my opinion when you want a GOOD non fast food cheeseburger and you take that first bite, it is completely worth it.

Guess what?  NOT ANYMORE!  The way my stomach has felt is like having fast food.  Husbandcake and I have rarely eaten fast food in the past few years and when we do our systems are not used to it, it just leads to a night of feeling really gross.  And I realied that I feel the same way now about that huge cheeseburger.  Another thing to cross of on my list of unhealthy things I want to eat, and I think that is a good thing.  So I at least learned a lesson from it!

And moving on to awesome things, I cannot WAIT to go on my bike ride.  Waiting to hear back from a friend and wanting to potentially go get a bike for Husbandcake today, that will determine when/where I go riding later.  I want to ride down to the local bike shop and get a basket that I can rig up for this little girl to come along with me:

This is Potato, one of my three dogs and definitely the most spoiled favorite! :)

All right I've been lazy enough - time to get up, make some HEALTHY breakfast choices and get on with my potentially fabulous day!!