Sunday, June 27, 2010

Not Sacrificing

Yesterday I felt like I was running in circles.  I tried not to be upset with myself but I feel like now that I'm aware of it I realize I was doing it subconsciously a LOT.  I was annoyed that I hadn't taken the time to eat a proper breakfast (I had...gum.), then I was annoyed at myself for getting a sandwich for lunch, and then I was annoyed at myself for too much munching with my friends, even though I had specifically gone out of my way to only have low calorie versions of everything.

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2461 calories
Consumed 1864 calories
Deficit of 777 calories

So to those of you very very kind friends who have been patient and not too mean about me eating too few calories, you'll be happy to know that I had a talk with myself this morning about how 1864 calories is not disgusting and it's not unhealthy and I'm not super gross!  However at the end of the talk I advised myself to try to not eat 254 grams of carbs in a day where I don't exercise.  Because that is just plain unnecessary.

Every day I am amazed that I so easily have a deficit and wonder why I've never been serious about weight loss in the past.  But I look back and think, I had a deli sandwich and a bunch of finger foods yesterday...and in the past I would have had less veggie sticks, more little sandwiches, buttery yellow cake instead of angel food, and a nice big breakfast out of pancakes, maple syrup, sausages...SO much food that I don't need to survive.  I find myself having to think a lot about how I used to be, because I feel so often that I don't try hard enough.  As much as I make healthier choices now I am still out getting mayo on my sandwich and putting real butter in my mashed potatoes, eating Chinese food and I don't feel like I am sacrificing ANYTHING.  It's easy to feel like I could do more.

I've always struggled, mostly due to the OCD about being a fanatic.  It's difficult not to become a diet fanatic!  I could so so easily go crazy, off the deep end barely eating.  At least then I'd feel like I was making an effort - in reading all of your experiences the thing that hits me is that a lot of us have days where we aren't feeling like we do enough because we aren't unhappy.  As though losing weight has to be this awful, horrible experience that we all suffer through.  The more I thought about it yesterday I think I realized that I am really making sacrifices.  Not filling my bowl with rice every night is a sacrifice.  Measuring out carrot sticks instead of munching on Cheetos is a sacrifice.  Riding my bike instead of driving is a sacrifice.  And walking up a giant hill during my lunch break is totally a sacrifice!  It's just that these things are making me feel SO GOOD that they're actually making me feel guilty and bad!!

What is that about, right?  And what a great realization and I hope that some of you are feeling the same way as I am because the more this sinks in the more I realized that even when I'm annoyed with myself it's over something I really should be excited about.  Today I am really excited to go about my day, hopefully having a little time later to catch up on my blog reading (my google reader just informed me that I have over 100 posts to go through so that I know what is going on with a lot of you!!!)

I can't wait to go out and burn a few of those calories right now though.  I slept in - sweet! - and am going to a soccer game later (which I had also forgotten about during my long forgotten dream of a productive weekend!) so I have go get some exercise in right now before I lose the whole day!!


fatgirl_vs_world said...

I hope you get to a point where you don't think it's a sacrifice, but you consider it a gift to yourself.


Natalia said...

I know what you mean!

CJ said...

What you said is true, but I would rather not think of it as sacrifices. Otherwise I would pity myself for making so many of them!

KyokoCake said...

It's so weird what you guys are saying, that to me the problem was that until I really thought about it I just wasn't seeing it as a sacrifice. Now that I am it's actually making me feel better. It's counterintitive, but I really feel like making sacrifices is how I prove to myself that I'm trying so if I think of it in any other way, I feel like I'm not doing enough!

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