Thursday, June 17, 2010

More calories, less calories.

Husbandcake gets home today. I could not be more excited. He lands at 4:00 today, although now that I think about it I don't know which airport so I do not at all know when he will be home...but it doesn't matter because he WILL be at home and we'll have dinner together and really just sit on the sofa relaxing and it will be glorious.

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2610 calories
Consumed 751 calories
Deficit of 1859 calories

Yikes!  I'm actually really angry with myself and I am finding it hard to put it into words.  It's not because I ate too low, let's face it I was really sick in the morning and anyone who is feeling like that is definitely not up for eating breakfast.  All I had was a kind of brunch-time snack and then lunch, both times just plain white rice.  The thing I'm angry about is that I didn't keep track.  At all!

I know that I've been doing well - heck, since I started this blog I have had a calorie defiicit every single day.  But it reminded me that I absolutely have to keep track.  What I did wasn't all that different than miscalculating the other way and allowing myself to eat macaroni and cheese and some fried chicken wings and ending up eating 2800 calories.  I don't want to be an unhealthy person.  I don't want to starve myself....and I don't care enough about losing weight to make myself unhealthy even for a little bit.

And you know, the grossest feeling came over me when I looked at my deficit this morning.  I thought to myself, you know...that wasn't so hard, I could do that every day.  I didn't even exercise yesterday, just walked around shopping for awhile.  I could just set my calorie count to 7 51.  I almost immediately came to my senses, I can't believe I thought it even for a second.  I don't want to be that person.  I don't want to be a fanatic.  I had all these things in my head that I wanted to write about today, but they'll all have to wait because this has me really freaking out.

I wonder if I am getting too caught up in it.  I also wonder if I'm making too big a deal over what was really a fleeting thought.  I guess half the reason I'm sharing it is that I feel like by saying it out loud it will reinforce what an unhealthy awful thing it would be to do that - and the other half is that I'm a little curious to know if other people have felt the same thing.

All right, now I'm all messed up in the head and feeling down on me.  So I'm going to do a short list of things I'm grateful for right now to get my head back into the right frame of mind to succeed today!

1. Husbandcake coming home - what?  I already said that?  Well then I must be really really excited about it.  He is just my everything, my other half, and I am lost when he's not home with me.

2. My awesome friends - especially two whose names start with E who hung out with me not only on Monday but yesterday too, because they are just good people and I can't imagine how I used to sit at home by myself when Husbandcake left.

3. Not going through weight loss alone - I wonder if a year from now I'll still be blogging about how grateful I am to feel like I'm losing weight with all of the people who have randomly found my blog.  I can't say it enough!

4. Oranges - Yum yum yum delicious!

5. Halloween!!!! - Yeah, it is over 4 months away.  However, one of my awesome E-named friends began a tradition last year of a themey party, and this year's theme is glorious is that?  You will hear much more about the excitement come October my friends - but I am excited months and months too early!


Happy Fun Pants said...

Oh wow! When I read your calorie count I thought "My goodness! What the heck is going on?"

And then I read the rest of your blog. :)

I think that it's SO healthy that in addition to losing weight, you want to be healthy. If that is your goal, you will achieve matter what.

Have fun with your Husbandcake tonight. :)

Spaghetti Cat said...

(((((Hugs))) I think sometimes the emotional battles can be the hardest part of weight loss. Hang in there girlie!

Natalia said...

I think a thought like that is OK as long as it's a fleeting thought. :) We all do it in some way or another, thinking about something that sounds good, but really isn't.

Glad that your hubby is coming home, enjoy your time! :)

spunkysuzi said...

I think we all have thoughts like that every now and then! Just don't do it :)

Erin said...

This is one of the friends whose name starts with E!! Thanks for the shout out. I should have posted many comments before now, but thought it would be too complex, because, you know, I have no skills. Anywho, just want to let you know, even though I say it a TON, you are awesome. And, you've got this! We could fast forward to a year from now and see that you are successful, in whatever form you decide that is. You are putting all of the pieces together and it is working, because you are making it work and you are amazing. I want to make sure I say that you are an inspiration to me and I am so impressed with how well you are doing and how open you are with your journey, in all of it's many incarnations. People need to know that their struggle is shared, and you are doing a great thing by sharing every part of yours. Now, more importantly, Halloween is going to kick ass!!!!!

KyokoCake said...

Thanks all!! I did eventually come to my senses and realize that you guys are right - it is completely ok to think of things if I have no intention of actually doing them. Aaaaaa!!! I just want to yell and be all excited about the affirmations that I get's a really amazing thing. are the awesome one. I'm happy to have someone to talk to (and eat with!) in person who is like-minded. I feel like I'm so surrounded by support...why the heck didn't I do this sooner??!! ;)

Anonymous said...

the important thing is that you did realise that 751 calories is too low. i get that same feeling when i realise i havent eaten much for the day, its like a guilty, sneaky happiness, knowing it will cause a loss, but at the same time its no good. i dont have an answer on if its a good or a bad thing but as long as it only happens for a good reason like when your sick, then i think that is ok :)

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