A Buffet of Random Paragraphs

I almost choked this morning on my water.  It was because I looked at my calories and couldn't believe I burned that many without working out.  I know I didn't eat well yesterday, I went out both to lunch and dinner, and I did walk up 5 flights of stairs (and down a few, cough, but we'll talk about that later).  And yet here I am with an awesome deficit.

Here is how I did yesterday:
Burned 2552 calories
Consumed 1601 calories
Deficit of 951 calories

I even said to my two friends at dinner, awww it's going to be the first day that I don't have a deficit!  So I am really surprised.

I made the realization this morning that I am having trouble separating all of my thoughts, and the thoughts of what I want to write in my blog are no different.  So here we go, a buffet of random paragraphs...

I should not eat caprice sandwiches.  I know mozzarella is not like great for you, and I know that sandwiches are bad enough without being on foccacia bread.  But it sounded delicious and I got it and ate half along with a cup of soup.  I was so full last night I thought I was going to die.  It's been awhile since I've eaten too much quantity wise (versus eating too many calories) and I was not a happy camper last night.  On the other hand, butternut squash soup made with vegetable broth instead of cream?  Amazing, and much lower calorie than expected.  I should eat more of that.

In high school I was in dance class, and I was not horrible.  I used to be coordinated!  However these days I can't walk.  I was walking up the stairs in my building yesterday and fell, nothing tripped me I literally just lifted my foot and missed the step.  I fell back hard on the first step with my hip and the landing with my butt.  OWWWWW!  I know I'm overreacting because the bruise is like not even bad today, but I was really unhappy about it.  I canceled the Monday walk and we went shopping instead, which ended up being enough of a walk apparently and did not hurt at all...then had dinner at this place in Walnut Creek called Lettuce where I had the aforementioned delicious soup.

A good friend that went to high school with Husbandcake is getting married on Saturday.  I bought this beautiful dress for the occasion:

And because buying things online is a gamble I bought this backup dress too with the intention of returning one of them.  I love the blue dress, it comes and it is like absurdly big on top - I mean I'd have to take four inches out of the strap to make it fit me.  I go in yesterday to get it altered and the woman wants to charge me $60...and I came to my senses.  Who do I think I am, spending $150-170 on a dress?  On ONE dress for an occasion that is not even about me?  That is a lot of money on a dress that I am 100% confident I will never wear again - I just won't.  I don't have more weddings this summer, and I am really committed to losing weight.  So I'm wearing an old dress and returning both of them.

But why should ANYONE care about all this?  Well...I saw it like this.  Spending more than I've ever spent on a dress (not including my wedding dress of course) to me is almost like a safety net to stay this weight, this size.  But wearing an old dress that I don't love but is a perfectly good dress - is like saying to myself, "KyokoCake!  I know you are 100% worth a hundred dollar dress, a six hundred dollar dress, because you are truly awesome and will look fabulous in whatever you choose.  But the fact of the matter is, you are not going to be here for long and it's not cost effective to keep this dress.  You are going to be smaller, healthier, in shape and even more awesome - so let your spending reflect that."

I feel awesome.  I don't know what I was thinking before but I sure do feel like I was sabotaging myself.  I wonder how many ways we all do that to ourselves without even realizing it!!

And in my last bit of randomness before I let you all get on with your mornings, I got two emails yesterday about my weight goal of 120 and how it was really really low.  See...I'm 5'5" and have a small frame.  I am not at all big boned.  Do I know what 120 pounds will look like on me?  Nope.  Honestly my goal is to wear a medium and sometimes fit into a small.  I'm short enough, that's an ok goal for me.  But my OCD demands numbers, percentages, things I can evaluate so I am not sure exactly what the number is and I just picked 120.  I know both of you were extremely well meaning and I did not at all take offense to it.  For all I know I'm going to reach that clothing size at 150 and just stop losing weight - I have no clue!!  So thanks, and if anyone knows randomly what 5'5" and medium/small would be weight wise, I'll completely update my goal and thank you profusely for setting me right!

I hope you guys have a really great day.  Not just a little bit but I mean I hope today is awesome eating wise, feeling wise, everything!!